On the Hooves of Horses

by Emma Taylor

  “I insist. I think you need it more than I need to dust it every day. Besides, I heard on the grapevine that you are a bit of an artist yourself. Perhaps, we could do a trade down the track?”

  “On the grapevine hey?” I smiled at Rose as she carefully wrapped my floating key of hope.

  TEN

  I began to feel dazed and numb from the medication. I had been there before. It was the same pattern. It would work for a while, everything back on track, then once it had deep rooted itself in my brain, it started fanning out and creating a dullness, a fog. Slowly taking over my mind and spirit. If only I could control my screaming, then I would be able to come off the meds. Mum and dad wouldn’t have to know. But Reed would. He agreed that I should be medicated. Well, at least for the time being. Surely he would notice the change in me. I wonder if he had noticed the effects that the medication had already began forming in me? Or had a new paranoia manifested itself? I heard laughter down stairs. I headed down, noticing that the creak in the step had ceased.

  “Hey, babe. You managed to fix the stairs alright?”

  Reed turned to face me. He was stunning, but his face showed a little distance.

  “Yeah, no worries at all. There was a whole heap of boxes that you guys still haven’t unpacked. One of them was pressing up against the step. It just needed a few nails hammered into it.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yes, yet another thing your father didn’t get around to doing,” Mum said.

  “Fair go, Mum. It’s not like he had that much time,” I replied.

  “Well, it only took Reed here, what? Twenty minutes?” Mum said, placing her hand over Reed’s.

  “Yeah, if that. But then again, Louise, I did have all the tools at hand. Thom’s been a great help with the painting, but he’s not really a handy man is he?” Reed laughed along with mum.

  “Because he is always at work.” I stated. “Which reminds me. Thought you had a busy week.” I added to Reed.

  “Yes, babe.” He began, finally giving me all his attention. “You were going to call me after the Maria Island trip.” Damn! I did say that. I completely forgot.

  “Sorry. I got a little side tracked.” I said, leaning into him.

  “With that other boy? Lucas.” Mum piped. Reed pulled back from me.

  “Lucas? What were you doing with Lucas?”

  “Oh, it’s not like that. I ran into him at the cafe and he showed me through Landscape. That’s all.” I felt his grip ease, slightly.

  “Right. Well, anyway, I’ve got to travel a bit up North for work. You got any plans today? Feel like a drive? It’s only about half hour up the road, a little town called Swansea. You can easily fill a day in there.”

  “You know what? I think I will pass. I have some work to do, too.”

  Reed annoyed me. Mum annoyed me. Everyone thought they knew what was right for me. Even dad with his insistence on the medication. Haylie always looked out for me. She knew what was right. The times growing up when we had got ourselves into bad situations, she still managed to help me find the right path out. Is all hope lost now with the death of Haylie? Hope. The key. The medication obliterates the dreams, but I can’t help feeling like it’s also severing my connection to my sister. I miss seeing her at night, even if it is traumatic. They made her death appear less real. I guess that is the whole point, though. Facing up to her suicide and forcing me to live without her guidance. Yet, I still don’t understand how a foggy brain will allow me to do so. Reed had set up a meeting with one of his dad’s former management team. It was still over a week away and in reality, I had all the free time available and now that I lived in one of the most beautiful places in the world, well, what I’ve seen of the world anyway, all the inspiration at my disposal, yet, I could only feel the haze clogging my visions of interpretations. It’s true, I had a lot of work to do, to get organised, but my lack of focus and foresight was something I had never experienced before. Washed up artist by the age of 19—Ha! If only my high school friends could see me now.

  Fresh air. That’s what I decided I need. Fresh, crystal clear Tasmanian air. Perhaps it will also clear my mind. Looking out my bedroom window, I knew I would need a jacket. The clouds hovering in the sky were moving quickly. Every now and again, the sun would shine through, offering glimpses of hope. But I knew better. The force in which the clouds were moving proved that the bad weather was indeed on its way. I opened my wardrobe door and my hand gravitated toward Haylie’s leather jacket. It still smelt like her. Taking it from the hanger, I scrunched it up to my nose, breathing her in.

  “Please never lose that scent. I love you so much, Haylie.” I slipped my arms through the sleeves and let her hug me.

  Where was I going? Somewhere. Nowhere in particular, just anywhere but here. Anywhere away from here. I’m beginning to feel the restraints from life. I wonder if that’s how Haylie felt. Wishing that she could just leave and be her own person. Be the adult that she was growing into. Not having to answer to anyone other than herself. She never opened up to me if she did feel that way. Why didn’t you trust me Haylie? Maybe I could’ve stopped you. Maybe she was trying to get away from me, too. I grabbed my backpack on the way out. I knew my camera was upstairs. I took it apart last night to clean it. Wood fires are beautiful and efficient, but my God, they are dusty! I could see the build up of dust and soot on my lenses. I made a mental note then and there to never take my constant companion anywhere near the burning embers of our family fireplace. So it will be a day of sketches today. At least I hope it will be. Creativity is a strange thing. I have days when it just oozes and flows out of me so naturally and instinctively and other days that no matter how inspired I might be, it just doesn’t want to co-operate. I hate those days. Mrs. Bosworth’s number one rule from day one of my High School art education was to ‘Paint, draw, create all the time. Give yourself permission for it to be bad at times, for it is then that the truly wondrous material will spring to life.’ I’m not quite sure that motto applied to the students who only picked art as a subject because all else that was on offer for that period was chemistry or modern history. Apparently, art was a bludge subject. Perhaps it was for them in grade three, but Mrs. Bosworth was anything but a pushover. Tiny in structure, she made up for it with her bark, which was equally as bad as her bite. She had two kids permanently removed from her class in the first term and failing five more in the half year reports. She was a woman who took her art seriously. ‘Just start, Jayde. Introduce the pencil to its purpose. Some of the greatest inspiration was born from desperation’ I heard her voice wrangling its way into my brain. So I did as I was commanded.

  I must have been sitting for hours. I looked up above me and the remnants of the day were disappearing—fast. I had been in a total trance. Under the palms of my hands were pages and pages of sketches. The first few were embarrassing scribbles, but then my blood began to pump. I could feel it thickening inside my veins, rushing, forcing itself up to my chest. It was pounding and thudding so hard, I swear I could see my heart leap from its cavity. Every page was Haylie. Every single one. All Haylie. Tears, heartache, anger, love and finally despair.

  “What the fuck?” I jumped up. Tears began to swell in my eyes, too.

  “What does this all mean Haylie?!” I screamed. I don’t even recall doing these pictures.

  What is wrong with me? Tears welled in my eyes, making my vision blurred. I felt hot and cold at the same time and a vague popping sound twitched in my ears. I fell to the earth in defeat. “I don’t know what you want from me? I can’t do this anymore…” I sobbed. “Stop playing with my mind!” I screamed. I began shaking my head. “No more, no more, please…” I breathed in deeply to try and garner some energy. Tiny rocks lifting from my lips made their way into my mouth. I spat on the dirt next to where my body had lain motionless moments earlier. The ground had patches of wet where my sobs had resided. It was cold now, too. I collected my sketches, hoping to make sense of them at some stage, just not here and
not now. I could hear the night creatures scuttering around preparing for the long night ahead of them. This was no longer a place for me to seek comfort or whatever it was that I was trying to achieve by being here. I felt completely out of my depth. Fumbling forward I saw something black slivering through the scrub. A feeling of cold rushed through my body. With my eyes firmly placed on the creature, I retreated. I took a long stride back, followed by another, still eyes focused on the local habitant. Slowly at first, then I picked up my pace. Taking another step back, I realised that perhaps I had gone too far because I became snagged on a branch from a tree behind me. Ah, the perfect prey position! I quietly, but firmly tugged on my sister’s jacket. I knew straight away that I had torn it. I made my way home as quickly as possible. It was after dusk when I stumbled through my front door, dazed and confused. Absent mindless as I plumped myself down on my bed. I was still sitting there when Reed’s car headlights shone dancing images through my window. I don’t know how long I had been sitting there, completely still, if it not for the rise and fall of my chest. I didn’t hear his ute coming up the driveway, I just saw the projections on the wall.

  “Hey baby girl.” He greeted me fondly. Snapping me from out of my trance-like state. “Oh, it’s so good to see you.” I swung my arms around him tightly.

  “You ok? What’s wrong? You look upset.”

  “I just had a really bad day. Look,” I motioned toward the torn jacket that was hanging over my desk stool. “It was Haylie’s. Look at it.” I said to Reed, but I couldn’t.

  “It’s ok. We can get it fixed. It will be as good as new. What happened to it? How did it get torn?”

  “I was working in the bush and it g-”

  “The girl who hates insects and all the creepy crawlies that live in the bush, went into the bush?” He mocked.

  “Well, yes. It’s just so motivational in there, but I certainly won’t be heading back in a hurry. Anyway, it got late, I got sidetracked and then the natives began to rear their heads and I got spooked and ran into a tree.”

  “Ahh, hence the rip in Haylie’s jacket,” he nodded. “Next time try and be a little more careful, hey?”

  “There won’t be a next time, Reed. No more bush walks, no more camping trips, nothing.”

  “Well, that is disappointing, considering…”

  “Considering what?” I asked intrigued.

  “I have something planned for the weekend, for us. It’s not camping, but it’s not exactly 5 star either. Remember how I told you about the winery up the road, Kelvedon? I actually pass it every day this week, so I popped in on my way home this arvo and booked you and me in for the weekend.”

  A smile began forming on my face. “Just you and me? No mates?”

  “Just you and me. It was meant to be a surprise…”

  “Surprise! I love it! I can’t wait. Just you and me?”

  “Just me and you.” Reed corrected with his cheeky grin. I pulled him over to me, lying him down on my bed. Rolling onto him, I began kissing him with excitement for our upcoming date. He retaliated with just as much enthusiasm. I could feel his erection growing as my hips began to rock slowly against him. His breath became hotter and his chest started rising and falling rapidly in pleasurable anticipation. Instinctively, my legs parted and found their new home on either side of Reeds body. He took his shirt off and reached for mine, fondling my breasts on the way back down, freeing them from my lace turquoise bra. Reed gently squeezed my nipples between his fingers and slowly kissed them. Flicking them with his tongue. It drove me crazy. He spun me over and we both tore at our jeans. Finding my way back, in this blissful moment, I opened up to him and let him glide himself inside me. His tongue prodded my mouth just as urgently as my hips thrust on him. I can’t believe I have this amazing, gorgeous man as my lover let-a-lone the fact that I am having sex with him in my parent’s house without a care in the world. Little groans escaped both of our mouths as we became one. Opening my eyes just before I was about to climax, I saw that Reed had a look of horror and embarrassment over his face. I knew what it meant and I didn’t give a damn. I heard the click of the handle close as I shuddered and yelped in ecstasy. Reed cuddled me all night. Opening my eyes to him in the morning bought new exhilaration to the day.

  “What time is it?” I croaked.

  “Shush. It’s early. It’s too early. Go back to sleep. I want desperately to avoid your mother this morning,” He whispered. I giggled. “Shush, you’ll wake her.” He looked horrified. I laughed louder. “You’re not afraid of my mother, are you?”

  “Normally, it’s the fathers that guys have issues with, but there’s something about your mum that makes me uneasy.” He laughed nervously.

  “Is it the fact that she is completely anal or the fact that she caught us having sex last night?”

  “In her house. Please don’t forget that major fact. Now go back to sleep, I’m outta here. Call you later, baby girl.” He said kissing my forehead.

  * * *

  I drifted back to sleep. My eyelids shut, my body lay still. It was a peaceful state. I felt eyes beginning to twitch. I knew a dream was coming…We were twelve years old. Running along the hot sand, our hands intertwined. Racing each other and ourselves to reach the crystal cool of the Pacific Ocean. Relief is only a stone’s throw away, both dancing like fish hooked on a line. Haylie turned to me and screamed excitedly. “My feet are on fire!” It was the middle of the Summer school holidays and temperatures had soared up to 38 degrees. This was the third day in a row and we really needed the respite our local beach could provide. Swinging our arms back and forth, we jumped into the tepid seas. Sea water gushed up our legs and soothed the burn on the soles of our feet. We starting losing our balance once the wave began to make its forceful descent. Laughing hard, it was not long until we were both landed face first. I turned to Haylie.

  “This is so good.” But, Haylie didn’t acknowledge me. My laughter slowed. “Haylie?”

  “Haylie?” I demanded, spinning her around.

  “Work it out little sis. Be strong. Become you.” We weren’t twelve anymore. I awoke instantly. The house was cast with a pink glow. Early morning.

  “Oh, I’m so sorry honey. I didn’t wake you did I? I was trying to be so quiet. You looked so peaceful sleeping. I wanted to get an early start on the washing.” Mum said gliding around my bedroom.

  “Forecast is for late rain, so I just thought it would be a good idea….” But I wasn’t listening. I just dreamt of Haylie. I didn’t scream. And she spoke to me! Tears started piercing my eyes.

  “You looked just like you did when you were a baby. I-Oh Jayde! Whatever is the matter?”

  I quickly wiped the tears before they started a downpour.

  “That boy didn’t hurt you did he?”

  “No Mum, of course not. And he’s a man, not a boy.”

  “Well, why are you sad?”

  “I’m not sad, Mum. Just the opposite, actually. I’m happy. I’m really happy.”

  She had no idea that I had dreamt of Haylie. She was completely oblivious to the fact. Somehow, I don’t know how, but somehow, I didn’t scream. I didn’t thrash around in my bed. I didn’t wake in a pool of sweat. I just had a dream about Haylie and no one knows about it except for me.

  * * *

  “You do know your father is coming back on Sunday.” Mum called from the patio of our little home as I threw the last bag into Reed’s ute. She looked old and fragile standing there on her own.

  “Yeah, I know, Mum. It’s not an issue.” I called back.

  “I promise I will return her back in time, Louise.” Reed added, dazzling Mum with his smile. I think she blushed.

  “Of course, Reed.” She smiled.

  “Get in the car.” I punched his leg.

  “Hey, after the other night babe, I really need to work over time on your parent’s approval.”

  “Oh, please, she already loves you. Any money she’s talking about your hot body to all her bowls’ friends!�
�� I laughed.

  “I certainly hope not, I’ve known all those ladies since I was a baby. I can’t believe you’re being so relaxed about all of this. What’s going to happen when your dad gets home?” He asked as we drove out of my driveway.

  “What do you mean? Mum shouldn’t have been spying on us anyway. It’s weird. Besides, I am an adult in an adult relationship.”

  “Yes you are…you’re just in your parent’s house still.” He laughed.

  “Shut up! You’re on my side here!” I smiled. “Besides, I’m not going to stay there forever. I have enough money to put down on my own place. It’s just figuring out where I want to be.” I said, gazing out the window. Right now, I would love to be asleep. The dream I had on Wednesday morning was followed by another one yesterday. Not at night, but when I had an afternoon sleep. It was a different dream, another memory of our childhood, but it ended with the same caution from her. ‘Work it out little sis. Be strong. Become you.’ But I haven’t worked it out. I haven’t worked anything out.

  “You could always move in with me.” Reed said softly.

  “Huh?” He had interrupted another attempt at deciphering my deceased sister’s riddles.

  “With me. You could move in with me. God knows I have enough room.”

  “Oh,” I said. “Really?” I should be more excited, or at least pretend to be more excited, but the truth was, I was just so distracted by Haylie. What does she mean? And what do the sketches I did in the bush on Tuesday mean?

  “Or maybe not.” Reed laughed nervously.

  “I’m sorry babe. It’s a beautiful offer, but I’m not sure that would be entirely fair on Mum just yet. Dad’s away for work so much. She gets really lonely without him. That’s all.”

  “The offer’s there anyway. I think we both know where this relationship is going. I adore spending my time with you, Jayde.”