Crash

by Amity Cross

  “What?” he went on when I didn’t reply. “Some bird got your balls?”

  I fixed my gaze on him and glared.

  “Shit, I’m right, aren’t I?”

  Despite the dumb he exuded on a daily basis, looking at Dean was like looking in a mirror, and right now, the reflection was one of shock.

  “Get stuffed,” I retorted.

  “Who is she?”

  Running my gloved hand over my face, I shook my head. “Violet Fuller.”

  “Violet Fuller?” he asked, gaping at me.

  “Shut up.” I pulled at my gloves.

  “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  I shrugged. I’d never kept anything from Dean before, but this thing with Vee seemed almost sacred. I didn’t want to share it with anyone, including the guy who was half of me.

  “Linc.” He sounded pissed, and he was probably justified. I could’ve at least told him I was seeing her.

  “Sorry,” I exclaimed, throwing my arms into the air. “Things got…” I shrugged again.

  “Does Ash know?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Fuck, Ash Fuller knew, but you couldn’t tell your own fuckin’ twin brother?”

  Turning, I shoved him hard. “I said I was sorry.”

  He stumbled back a step but didn’t come back for more. He just scowled at me for a moment before he turned away.

  “Dean.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” he snapped.

  “I missed you, bro,” I said. “It was way too long.”

  “Yeah, well, I missed your ugly face too.”

  “You know we’re identical, right?” I asked. “You just called yourself ugly.”

  Cracking a smile, he turned and shoved me again. “Asshole.”

  I sighed again, not feeling into any of the training we’d been doing since I got back. Dean was watching me like I’d grown a second head, and I shook it off.

  “So, this thing with Violet, is it serious?” he asked.

  Taking a deep breath, I thought about her and me and the things she made me feel. I hadn’t felt like that with anyone else. She gave a crap about what I thought and not just because I was a fighter or I had money or a contract to fulfill. She really cared.

  “Fuck, she’s got you by the balls.”

  “Shit, Dean.” I cursed.

  “You’ve had a hard-on for her since we were kids. About time.”

  “She’s had a rough time of it,” I murmured, sinking down onto the bench. “It ain’t been easy.”

  “Yeah, that’s an understatement.”

  “She had a go at Ash for telling us about it. He’d never let on that we knew,” I said, remembering the day I’d let it slip. She’d looked absolutely mortified.

  “So don’t mention it,” Dean said. “That’s kinda common sense.”

  “So you do have some?”

  “Who’s the asshole now,” he retorted with a grin.

  “I’m worried that being apart from her is doing more harm than good.” I shook my head like it’d clear the confusion. “Then I think maybe she was relying on us too much, and the distance would be a good thing.”

  “But it’s not?”

  I shrugged. “I dunno.”

  “It’s only been a couple of days.”

  “I know, it’s just… It’s only been a couple of days and I already feel like this.” Like the world had lost its color.

  Dean stared at me like I’d just dropped my bundle. “Shit, Linc. She’s got your balls big time.”

  Yeah, maybe she did, but I wanted to give them to her. Metaphoric balls, that was.

  “You gunna invite her up here?”

  I shrugged. “The thing with Vee is that she’s been hiding herself away from the world ever since she was attacked. The world terrifies her, Dean. The first time I spoke to her since we were kids she had a panic attack.”

  “Fuck, but she’s better now, right? You’re together.”

  “She’s made so much progress,” I replied, staring at my hands. “But asking her to come here? It’s a simple thing for most people, but Vee isn’t most people.”

  “You think pushin’ her too much will fuck up what you’ve found with her?”

  I glanced at him and shook my head. “You know, sometimes I wonder if I got all the brains in the womb, then you say shit like that.”

  He clapped his hand on my shoulder. “I fuckin’ love you too, asswipe.”

  Grinning, I shoved him with my shoulder.

  “Look, it’s only been three days,” he went on. “Give it some time.”

  Standing, I sighed sharply before striding across the mats. “You wanna spar or what?” I declared, facing my brother.

  “Hell yes.” Like lightning, he was on his feet and assuming the position.

  For once in his life, Dean rubbed two brain cells together and was right on the money. I had to give it some time.

  There wasn’t much else I could do.

  **

  I stood at the window in my hotel room and stared at the view of Sydney’s CBD. Hundreds of lights shone across the night, and in the distance, I could see the curves of the Harbor Bridge peeking through the array of glowing skyscrapers.

  I’d let the lease on my apartment lapse when I went back to Melbourne, and everything had moved so fast that I hadn’t had time to organize anywhere to move back to. I didn’t care for bunking with Dean, and since I could well and truly afford it, I got myself a room at a mid-range hotel in central Sydney. Josie had offered to find me a sublet, but there was no point.

  It’d be another month before I could fight again, and then it was only two and a half months after that and the season would end for me. I wouldn’t be able to make up the points to progress any further even if I won every bout. Right now, I was fighting for the money. Hopefully, the title would come next year. Dean, however, still had a shot, and I had to be happy and present for him.

  The view really was beautiful, and I wished Vee was standing next to me so I could share it with her.

  Glancing over my shoulder as my mobile phone began to ring, I crossed the room to the bed and picked it up. I answered immediately when I saw Vee’s name on the screen.

  “Hey,” I murmured, sitting down.

  “Hey,” she replied. “How are you?”

  That was a loaded question even though people usually rattled it off to be polite.

  “Okay,” I replied even though I wasn’t totally sure that I was.

  “Training going okay?”

  Kicking off my trainers, I moved onto the bed, leaning my back against the headboard. “Yeah, it’s tough, but that’s just because it’s been a while. It’ll get better. Is everything good at Pulse?”

  “As good as it can be, I guess.” She sighed heavily, and there was a rustle as she moved.

  “Where are you?”

  “In bed.”

  “What are you wearing?”

  “Lincoln,” she shot back, but I could hear the smile in her voice.

  Laughing, I replied, “I’m in bed too.”

  “I wish I could be there,” she said after a moment.

  “Yeah, but I get why you’re not.”

  There were another few minutes of silence, so I just hung on the line and let her work out what she was trying to tell me.

  “I feel like I should explain about that night,” she said finally, and I bristled.

  “Vee, you don’t need to tell me anything if you don’t want to. It doesn’t matter to me.”

  “I know, but it matters to me.”

  “We never—”

  “I can talk about it on the phone,” she interrupted. “It’s less…confronting.”

  “Is it something you need to do?” I asked, my voice low.

  I knew the guy was off someplace in a wheelchair or wherever he ended up after Ash nearly beat him into a grave at The Underground, but I feared that hearing about what he’d done to Vee would send me over the edge. I came after the fact—much after—but I still wis
hed I had been there for her from the beginning.

  “I’ve never told anyone exactly what happened,” she murmured. “Ash knows because…”

  She trailed off, but I knew why Ash knew. Hammer had filmed it and sent it to him as bait. I pinched the bridge of my nose, pissed at the fact I was being totally useless right now.

  “Linc?”

  “I hate that I can’t touch you right now,” I said.

  There was a rustling over the line. “Yeah. I know.”

  “Vee, can I ask you something?”

  “Yeah, of course.”

  “Please don’t tell me. I know enough, and if I knew everything…” I hissed, my throat feeling tight. “I know Ash gave him what he deserved, but if I hear it…” I swallowed hard. “If I hear it, I will want to hunt the asshole down and finish the job.”

  “Okay,” she squeaked.

  “I’m not sure when I’ll get time to come back and see you,” I said. “Not until my run is over this season.”

  “When is that?”

  “At least three or four months.”

  There was silence, and if I was there with her, I would be able to tell if she was crying or not. I’d be able to comfort her, but I was all the way up here.

  “I know it sucks, Vee,” I said. “But it’s only for a little while.”

  “But what happens next year? And the year after that?”

  She had a point.

  “I just—”

  “Don’t even say it,” I interrupted. “I want you. Just you.”

  But fighting was my dream, and I didn’t know at what point the two could combine. Violet couldn’t come to Sydney. It wasn’t like she didn’t want to, it was because she wasn’t able to. Her anxiety was holding her hostage, and I didn’t want to push her to breaking point. I couldn’t be that guy who took and took and never made a compromise.

  “And I want you,” she replied. “More than anything.”

  I smiled to myself. All these years thinking about her and now, we had each other. I’d fantasized about what it might be like, and it’d lived up to all my expectations. She had her problems, but didn’t we all? We would work through them, just like we’d been doing. Then and now, it was all the same.

  “I better let you get back to it,” she murmured, her voice sounding flat.

  “You sure? I don’t mind.”

  “It’s okay. It’s getting late. I can text you tomorrow.”

  “Yeah, okay.” It was my turn to feel deflated.

  “Bye.”

  Watching the call disconnect, I felt like throwing the stupid phone across the room.

  Then and now? It wasn’t the same at all.

  Thirty-Two

  Violet

  Dr. Ormond had her therapist’s face on tonight.

  It was great to still have someone to talk to now that Lincoln had gone back to Sydney, but she wasn’t anywhere near as handsome. She was tapping her pen against her notebook, regarding me with a thoughtful expression, which meant she was trying to work me out.

  “How are you feeling now that Lincoln is away?” she asked, reading my mind.

  “He’s been gone almost two weeks now,” I replied. “It feels like an eternity.”

  “I know we talked about little steps,” Dr. Ormond said. “You’ve taken quite a few and some leaps as well.”

  Thinking about all the things Lincoln and I had been through, I smiled. I’d overcome the greatest fear of them all, a man’s touch, and everything else now seemed within my grasp.

  “Being in a relationship is like a partnership. You lean on one another with support and love but not to the point where one cannot stand without the other.”

  “Do you think that’s what I’ve been doing?”

  Dr. Ormond shrugged. “Perhaps. Being apart from him is obviously hard for you.”

  I wanted Lincoln so much, but was it bad for me? Or was it exactly what I needed? I was so confused.

  “Do you love him?”

  I stared at Dr. Ormond and blinked hard.

  “It’s a simple question when you think about it,” she continued. “But it’s the hardest one of all.”

  “I—” She was right, but I didn’t know the answer. At least, not yet.

  “Would you consider going to Sydney?”

  Instantly, I folded in on myself. “I can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “I… All those people…” I trailed off, knowing that I would be just spouting off a list of excuses if I continued.

  “It’s fear that’s holding you back. Of the unknown, of rejection, of the future.”

  “Fear of the future?” I asked, turning my gaze onto her.

  “Patients with your symptoms get used to what’s familiar to them. They cling onto what they know and are fiercely protective over it. For you, it’s your life here in Melbourne, which includes your brother, the office at the gym and your bedroom at home. Those are your familiar places. Fear of things outside of that comfortable safe zone is what holds you back from more. With more, there is always the chance of being hurt, but it also allows the good to shine.” She smiled at me kindly. “Think back to when I asked you about finding a job. How did that make you feel?”

  “Anxious,” I replied hesitantly.

  “And when you first went to Pulse?”

  Thinking back to the party and my first meeting with Lincoln, I shuddered. “Afraid.”

  “And how do you feel about that now?”

  I sighed sharply and shook my head. “Fine.”

  “There are no guarantees in life, Violet. You need to ask yourself what you’re willing to risk in order to achieve the things you desire the most.”

  I stared at her, my eyes beginning to glass with tears. “What do I do?”

  “It’s obvious you care for Lincoln a great deal. Being apart isn’t working as well as you hoped it would, but I can’t make this decision for you, you know that.”

  “I know.”

  “But I will offer you this advice,” she said with her usual friendly smile. “Going to Sydney wouldn’t be permanent. It’s a step toward conquering your fear of the unknown. Nothing is ever set in stone, unless you want it to be.”

  I got what she was trying to say. I was holding myself back, and by doing so, I could be doing damage to mine and Lincoln’s relationship without meaning to. The more I dwelt on it, the more I realized that if I couldn’t find it in myself to go to him, then I might as well kiss goodbye to what we’d found.

  There was only one thing I could do.

  I had to suck it up, face my fears and get on a plane to Sydney.

  **

  The first thing I did when I got to work the next morning was find my elusive brother. He hadn’t answered his phone last night, and I assumed it was because he was with Ren. There was no prying him away when he got to training with his girlfriend.

  “Ash?” I called out as I walked into the apartment.

  There was a bang from someplace within and a moment later, he emerged from the bedroom looking rumpled.

  “Shit,” I exclaimed. “Were you asleep?”

  “Yeah,” he replied, rubbing his eyes. “I crashed here last night and forgot to set my alarm. What time is it?”

  “Just after eight.” I looked him up and down. “You’re working too many hours. Between here and coaching downstairs—”

  “I’m okay,” he said, waving me off. “What’s up, squirt?”

  I rolled my eyes and joined him at the kitchen counter. “I want to go to Sydney.”

  Ash spluttered, choking on his own spit. “You what?”

  “I need to do it now or forever be a slave to my stupid anxiety,” I declared.

  “Is everything okay with Lincoln?” He narrowed his eyes.

  “It’s the distance thing,” I explained, glancing at my hands. “It’s only been a week or so, but it’s a problem. He’s not happy. I can hear it in his voice.” I swallowed hard, my throat beginning to feel thick with tears.

  “An
d you’re not either?”

  I shook my head. “It’s me. My problems are keeping us apart. He wants to help me, but fighting up there is his dream, Ash. How can I not do something about it? I can’t ask him to quit and come back after a couple of months of being together, so going to him is the only solution I can see. I couldn’t ask him to quit at all.”

  Ash was silent for a moment, and I glanced up at him. I could see the cogs turning in his brain, and usually, I’d be alarmed at the scheme he was cooking, but today, it felt different.

  “It’s a big step,” he said. “Coming out to Pulse was motherfuckin’ huge, but Sydney? You may as well be going to the Moon, squirt.”

  “I know, but I have to try.”

  “Do you want me to come with you?”

  “The thing about fear,” I said, remembering what Lincoln had told me the night he’d stripped and let me touch him wherever I wanted, “is the only way to overcome it, is to do the thing that scares you the most.”

  “So, you’re going to Sydney.”

  I grinned, my confidence levels soaring. “Can I have some time off?”

  He raised his eyebrows and opened the fridge, pulling out a carton of milk. “Sure thing. Just make sure you want it.”

  “I want it.”

  “Then go get it.” Opening the milk, he downed a few mouthfuls straight from the carton.

  Turning, I began to walk across the apartment, but Ash called out after me.

  “When and how long?”

  Pausing by the door, I said, “This afternoon and I don’t know.”

  “Fine, well, let me know when you’re ready, and I’ll give you a ride to the airport.”

  I hadn’t thought that far, and I was glad he’d brought it up. “Okay.”

  Going back to the office, I sat at the computer and pulled up an internet browser. Typing in the address to make the booking, I hesitated. Maybe I should call Josie. Not only was she Ren’s best friend but she was also the Twins’ PR manager and would be able to help me with Lincoln’s whereabouts. She was tall, blonde and glamorous but totally down to earth. Ballsy had nothing on it. She would be able to help cook up a surprise for my boyfriend for sure.

  Pulling out my mobile, I pressed her number, hoping she didn’t mind that I was calling before nine. It rang about six times, and just as I thought it was going to voicemail, she answered.