Stand By Your Hitman

by Leslie Langtry

  You know, I think I really missed an opportunity there. I actually invented the stuff before anyone else knew about it. But being a Bombay means no future as a patented inventor, so what are you going to do?

  Anyway, as you of course know, a vasodilator opens capillaries, which can cause a dangerous drop in blood pressure. Too much of it, your blood pressure is so low you have a heart attack because your heart is pumping harder. My little blue pill (I should’ve sued them for that too) was ten times stronger. So when a certain pimp of kidnapped child prostitutes from Thailand took what he thought would increase the duration of his erection, he keeled over before getting his pants off.

  The coroner’s report said he had an erection that lasted more than ten hours after his death (take that, Cialis!). I guess it made the news and everything.

  Ahhhh…memories. Like a fine pitcher of vodka and tonic on a warm day. I was starting to feel better, remembering my successes. But my head was starting to feel thicker, kind of like being stuffed up. I hate that alcohol does that. My glaucoma stash doesn’t have that effect—that’s a whole different thing. Unfortunately, I have a very low tolerance there too.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  WESTLEY: I’ve spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.

  —The Princess Bride

  “Missi? What are you doing here?” Lex pulled up a chair next to me.

  “Bitch is fucked-up.” Sami grinned as she helped herself to my cocktails. Now if she would only stop quivering…

  “I just needed a few mishuts.” I waved my hand and stared at it as it moved. It was quivering just like Sami.

  “What?” Lex looked at the almost-empty pitcher. “How long have you been out here?”

  “Damn!” Sami cried out. “This is straight vodka! This dumbass should be dead!”

  I shook my head and had to stop it with my hands. “No. There’s tomik init.” I’d asked for tonic. Maybe Sami was right. If so, was this sabotage too?

  Lex frowned and sniffed the pitcher. “Dammit. Who served you?” When I didn’t answer he turned to Sami.

  “She could’ve died from alcohol poisoning.” His words sounded like they were far, far awaaay….

  Lex began to rotate in place like a spinning wheel. I was fascinated. How did he defy the laws of physics like that?

  “Let’s get you back to the guesthouse.” He started to lift me out of the chair, and I walked sideways into a wall.

  The next thing I remember was waking up in bed next to Sami. It was completely dark outside, so why did it feel like the sun had taken up residence in my brainpan? I shrugged on one of the fluffy robes and stumbled into the great room.

  Damn. No aspirin. What kind of luxury cabana was this? I was in no shape to go rooting through my stuff to find the supply my sons had given me.

  “How are you feeling?” Lex appeared next to me, no longer rotating 360 degrees. Good for him. That could be dangerous.

  “Great,” I lied. I was doing a lot of that lately. “I need aspirin.” Now that was actually true.

  “Here.” He handed me a whole bottle of ibuprofen. “I picked this up in the gift shop after putting you to bed.”

  It took all of my strength—which at this point was not considerable—not to throw myself into his arms. Instead I swallowed four capsules on the spot.

  “I thought you were only supposed to take two?”

  I waved him off. “I developed a high tolerance to this stuff a while back.” It was true. Back home I chugged these pretty regularly, what with all the concussions from my explosions and whatnot.

  “Apparently you handle medicine much better than you do alcohol.” Lex smiled before wrapping his arms around me. Mmmmm. He smelled really good. Like soap. I love that smell. I’m sure I smelled like a distillery.

  I pulled back and smiled weakly. “Well, thanks for taking care of me. I guess I overdid it a smidge.”

  He laughed. “A smidge? Sami had two glasses and got a buzz. She told me that back home it usually takes a case of beer for that to happen. That was strong stuff.”

  I would’ve laughed, but my whole body threatened to explode if I even giggled. Everything—and I mean everything—hurt.

  “It’s not funny, Missi. That could’ve been an attempt on your life.”

  Okay. I stopped laughing as I remembered that my head had been on the keg seconds before it exploded. Damn. Had Isaac figured me out and started trying to kill me first?

  “So why did you disappear like that?” Lex looked concerned and I loved him for it. I loved him for it enough to lie some more.

  “I just needed some time alone. You know how it is, having a camera and everybody else around twenty-four hours, seven days a week.” I hoped that sounded sincere.

  Lex smiled. “I can totally understand that. It’s like being under a microscope. I wish I’d thought of it, actually.”

  I hated myself. I hated lying to him and my sons. This job was killing me. And I had to lie to everyone here. And while Lex was being so supportive and thoughtful, I felt even worse.

  “Well, good night.” I kissed him lightly on the lips and practically raced back to my room.

  My monastic life on the island was never like this. I didn’t have to treat people badly and pretend I was someone else. I didn’t really have any stress in my life. As soon as I got back, I was going to come up with some evil sort of revenge on the Council for putting me through this.

  That was a comforting thought, and my last one before I fell asleep.

  We were running late the next morning as the eight of us careened into each other (the fluffy robes acting as shock absorbers) while grabbing fistfuls of bacon off the cart and getting ready.

  We arrived at Camp Tico looking well fed and clean. The site hadn’t had any activity in almost twenty-four hours and it had been days since we’d lit a fire. Julie and Alan looked too distracted to care, but I was sure the audience would notice something wasn’t right when the show aired. Oh well—not my problem.

  “Well, I hope you all slept well,” Alan began, sounding a little sarcastic. “Due to some…um, changes at the network, we will be sending two of you home today.”

  We looked around at each other and rolled our eyes. Obviously the changes at the network included a healthy round of budget cuts.

  “So the two slowest people in today’s challenge will leave, becoming part of the jury.” Alan looked tired.

  “You mean we’re voting two people off, right?” Moe asked, and I automatically brightened.

  Julie shook her head. “We won’t have time for Tribal Council tonight. So the two of you with the lowest scores will exit the show.”

  “If you’ll just follow Julie, I’ll meet you at the site of today’s challenge.” Alan stood there, waiting for us to leave. No doubt so he could reappear at wherever we ended up.

  The eight of us on Team Tico followed Julie silently into the jungle. I don’t even think she noticed how quiet we were. Man, something was really eating them.

  It took almost half an hour of hiking to get to a riverbank deep inside the foliage. As we emerged from the jungle, I noticed a large crocodile laying on the bank. Crocs were native to this area and I’d seen them many times before. My teammates, however, had not. This I gathered from the screaming that followed.

  “What the fuck is that?” Sami shouted down from the limbs of a nearby tree.

  Everyone else pretty much said the same thing. Julie stayed a safe distance away, but tried to appear calm. Alan miraculously appeared and with a stick began to point at the crocodile.

  “Alligators are native to Costa Rica,” he began.

  “Um, no they’re not.” I couldn’t help it. The temptation to correct him was unbearable. I thought I saw Ernie grin from behind his camera.

  Alan looked unshaken. “Yes, they are. And this is an alligator.”

  I stepped forward. “No. Alligators live in parts of North America. This is a crocodile. An American crocodile to be exact.�
� He hated me already, so I thought I’d just have fun with it.

  “Whatever!” An angry Alan struggled to regain his composure. “Same thing.”

  “Listen, dumbass!” Sami shouted down. “My friend says it’s a crocodile and I believe her. The question is—what the fuck is it doing here?”

  I couldn’t resist giggling. Sami had my back all right.

  “You will wrestle this alli…crocodile,” Alan said, as one by one Team Tico’s jaws dropped. “You will be timed to see how long it takes you to drag the gator…I mean croc, to shore.”

  “Are you fucking insane?” Sami shrieked and I could swear that dogs in the nearest village covered their ears.

  “This time you’ve gone too far!” Isaac raised his voice—which startled me. “You can’t ask us to do anything life threatening.”

  The rest of the group murmured their agreement and Alan just held up his hands.

  “This is a challenge! Would you rather I had you wrestle a miniature dachshund? For christsake people! The name of the show is Survival!”

  We barely had time to reply before he shrieked, “Missi! You’re up first!” Why was I not surprised?

  Lex put his arm out to bar me from moving. Not that I was racing for the challenge, mind you. Crocs are very dangerous. And although this one seemed to be only four feet long, that wasn’t a guarantee some of us would come out in one piece. For a moment I wondered if what they had in mind for eliminating two of us was to feed us to the crocodile.

  “You can’t make us do this,” Lex said in calm, measured tones that made all kinds of butterflies flip-flop around in my stomach. Then I thought about Fiona and realized there was more to his concern than I thought.

  “If you refuse, you will be taken off the program,” Alan said, and sniffed indignantly. I wanted to feed him to the croc. It wouldn’t take long. We’d all just stand there on the shore, watching calmly as the croc grabbed him and pulled the smarmy host under. Soon, the thrashing would begin as the slimy reptile—Alan, not the crocodile—was spun around in the water until he drowned. Then if the croc was still hungry, we could feed him Julie.

  “If you don’t do it, Missi,” Alan snapped, “Sami will have to go first.”

  I knew how much Sami needed the reward money for this show. She wouldn’t refuse the challenge. At least I’d done this before (hello, I’m a Bombay!). Maybe I could buy some time or even injure the croc so it couldn’t hurt anyone else. As long as I could keep its mouth closed, I’d be all right. I took a deep breath and pushed away the protective arm Lex had wrapped around my waist. I immediately missed his warmth and support, but I had to do this. “It’s okay. He’s a small one. Just make sure everyone watches what I do, all right?”

  Lex and Isaac tried to stop me, and I believe Sami would’ve intervened too, had she come down from the tree. I just pushed through them and made my way to the animal.

  Now, few people know this because I’ve never told anyone my trick when it comes to reptiles. We had a couple of freshwater crocs on the island and I’d studied them for a while to see if there was a way I could use them for work.

  Besides the usual—hold them in a half nelson and get their tail tight between your legs so they don’t smack you around—there’s a spot where, if you apply the right amount of pressure, they just go into brain-lock. Then you can do whatever you want for about ten minutes. Humans have the same trigger. For men, it’s porn. For women, it’s chocolate.

  As I walked up to the croc, a native Tican emerged from the jungle and quickly wrapped a leather muzzle around the croc’s nose. Well, at least that was a bit of a relief. Crocodile jaws are very powerful. And if they get a grip on you and drag you into the water, you’re pretty much done for.

  The Tican then dragged the animal into the water and motioned for me to go in. I was barely wading when Alan shouted for Julie to start the timer.

  It really only took a minute or two to jump the poor beast from behind and lock my arms around him and my legs around his tail as I dragged him to shore. I didn’t even have to use my trick. The muzzle kept him from snapping and, unless I miss my guess, the poor croc was drugged. What a lame idea.

  “He’s drugged and docile,” I whispered to my team when I rejoined them. “Just do what I did and you should be all right.”

  “Sami!” Alan called, and I realized she’d gotten down and was standing next to me. “You’re up!” He’d regained some of his smarmy cockiness and I hated him for it. I’d have given anything to see him turned into crocodile crap.

  Sami froze for a moment. I thought she was going to give up. Not that I could blame her. The scariest thing she’d probably ever seen was the guy on the next bar stool at closing time when the lights came on.

  To my amazement, she walked over to where the croc was being dragged into the water by his handler. Even more impressive was the fact that she managed it in three seconds less than me.

  “Goddamned bitch gonna show me who’s boss!” she swore under her breath as she strutted back to us.

  “So far, Sami has the fastest time, followed by Missi. Lex, your turn.”

  My heart jumped a little as I feared he might get hurt. Then I remembered that the croc was muzzled and drugged and Lex was stronger than I was. Lex calmly waded into the water. I was so proud. He came back with a time that matched mine. And I liked the way his arm muscles bulged as he dragged the poor creature onto the bank.

  We watched as, one by one, Isaac, Moe and Dr. Andy managed to wrestle the crocodile to shore. It seemed to be going well. Only Liliana and Brick/Norman remained. Surely the reptile was getting weaker by now.

  Liliana straightened her back and walked into the water. To my surprise, she managed to grab hold of the animal and was just beginning to bring him to the bank when the muzzle sprang from his jaws and he started snapping. Liliana dropped him out of shock and the croc managed to grab hold of her clothes.

  Once he got a good grip, he started spinning in the water, dragging Liliana with him. I ran into the thrashing water to save her. Isaac and Lex appeared beside me. Lex grabbed the beast by the body as Isaac held the tail. I brought my hand down as hard as I could, stabbing him between the eyes with my fingers.

  It worked. The croc went slack and as the men dragged him onto the beach, I pulled Liliana from the muddy river. She said nothing as she staggered toward the rest of the group. I was seriously impressed.

  “Brick!” Alan acted as though what had happened hadn’t really happened. No one tried to fix the muzzle. What was going on?

  “Hold on!” Isaac shouted. “We need to get another muzzle on him first!”

  Looking around, I noticed that the croc’s handler was nowhere to be found. What did that mean?

  “We move ahead,” Julie said steadily. Was she nuts? One of the safety precautions was gone!

  “You know what?” Brick/Norman said in a squeaky, not-very-leading-man sort of voice. “I quit. I’m off the show, okay?”

  Alan and Brick glared at each other for a few moments. Alan backed off.

  “Liliana and Brick—you will go back to the Tigre.”

  Julie agreed with Alan and began leading the two out of the area.

  “The rest of you head back to camp,” Alan said, then promptly disappeared.

  I made a mental note to put some scorpions in his bed later. That would be fun.

  “Look at this,” Lex whispered to me on the way back to camp. He held out the harness. “It’s not broken.”

  Sure enough, I could see it was cut midway through.

  Chapter Twenty-five

  Nobody likes me. Everybody hates me. Guess I’ll just eat worms.

  —Children’s song

  “Why would anyone cut the muzzle?” Lex frowned at me. It was the first time he’d ever frowned at me and I decided that I didn’t like it.

  Isaac and Sami were quiet. We were sitting at the dinner table—the rest of Team Tico had already gone to bed. No one’s heart was in this contest anymore since it appeared
the host didn’t care one way or another if anyone got hurt.

  I picked at what was left of the turkey. “Maybe it’s Alan—trying to up the ratings.”

  “That’s fucked-up.” Sami glowered.

  “It’s irresponsible,” added Isaac.

  “It’s dangerous,” Lex said quietly.

  My stomach backflipped as I remembered that Lex’s wife had died because of stuff like this. The others weren’t privy to this knowledge, so I tried to change the subject.

  “Oh well. It’ll all be over soon enough.”

  Lex frowned at me again. I really hated it. “What does that mean?”

  “Um, I guess I meant that the show will probably go bankrupt before we can do another challenge any-way—then we can go home.” I shrugged for emphasis.

  “Man, this shit stinks.” Sami shook her head. “I could’ve used that goddamned money.”

  I forgot that these people were here because twenty-five thousand dollars was a life-changing amount to them. While Brick/Norman, Dr. Andy and Kit were here to get media exposure, Moe, Sami and possibly Lex wanted the cash to turn their lives around.

  Guilt is a horrible thing. I remember my mother once told me it was a useless emotion. Of course, that didn’t stop her from applying it like a thick-cut slab of bacon whenever she could. But the fact of the matter was that I was here on false pretenses.

  The only reason I was on this ridiculous show was to tail Isaac so I could kill him if I had to. A stab of the “useless emotion” got me in the heart when I thought of how I was throwing money around for this guesthouse. What did they possibly think of me? My guess was they wondered why I was even involved.

  And let’s face it—I hadn’t even done my job. I never tailed Isaac or even tried to pump him for information. Hell, I hadn’t even remembered to pack my truth serum. It’s strawberry flavored with half the fat, so it’s good and good for you!