Cindersmellya: A Dark Comedy Fairytale Romance

by Alexis Angel

  I know he’s into me, but he’s just taking his time and sometimes the dance before the actual fucking is so oh my gosh and crazy. I think it’s getting to that slow burn right now with the guy before we do it. But we really aren’t that sexual just yet. He’s mildly amusing and he has potential, but nothing where I’m about to climb on him during dinner.

  So yesterday I was going out for a drink with Match but before that I really really had this urge to see Horny Bar Guy. So I went over to his apartment which was a few blocks from the bar I was meeting Match Guy at and we fooled around for a bit.

  Problem is Horny Bar Guy is a slob and no way I’d ever use his toothbrush or anything. So now I have cum breath (you can guess what I did when I say I fooled around) and I’m off to meet Match Guy. And today is the day Match Guy wants to try and kiss me! On Date #3! When he should be trying to fuck me instead!

  I’m sorry, I may write a lot of smut and I may have pretty liberal attitudes on women and sex, but one thing I do not do is kiss another guy with another guy’s cum breath – even if its been washed down with two glasses of pinot.

  So I’m like uhmm no and Match Guy is like whats wrong. I couldn’t say.

  So now I have to go see him after work for a drink and hoping that I can get it all sorted!

  Just wanted to share with my Angels. I <3 writing to you!

  Recommendation for today is from Amy Brent. It made Top 100! Yay! I’m so happy and proud for Amy baby! And if all goes well, I’m gonna read it tonight! OH, also FREEBIE!

  Take care and talk to you tomorrow! <3

  Hugs and Kisses and Lots of Love,

  Alexis

  Spilling

  Oh, I told Match.com guy the other day what it is I do for work - which is basically be a smut queen - and he was so intimated it was crazy. Makes kinda a bit of sense though. I mean it took him 3 dates to even try and kiss me and I couldn't because I had cum breath from Arrogant Bar Guy and seeing him earlier so when we finally met for a drink I was like look I like you I think and I didn't want you to think I wasn't feeling you. So he was like oh, then why did you back away? And I was just trying to figure what to say because you can't be honest in this situation. So I was just whatever, I'm exhausted from a long day at work can we talk about something else.

  So he was like, wait, what do you do anyways. And I looked him in the eye and I was like, "Match.com Guy, I write smut."

  And he was all like, "What do you mean you write smut? I thought you worked in finance."

  "I do work in finance," I replied. "I still do consulting a few hours a week to pay the bills, but I also write smut."

  "What do you mean by you write smut?" he asked again.

  So rather than tell him about you know filling holes with 12 inches of lust muscle, I opened my phone and showed him 12 Inches.

  Yeah, so he hasn't called back yet. I think it's time to move on to next guy. I'm with the parental units for Easter, but Match#2 is actually in the same neighborhood for Easter and we've been texting and I might hang out with him Monday before going home Tuesday.

  Oh, check out my new video trailer for Dirty Lil' Angels below! And be sure to catch the new Mona Cox - its a collaboration between Jess Bentley and me. Its basically about a girl going through life kinda like what I basically talked about above lol.

  Hugs and Kisses and Lots of Love,

  Alexis

  Parting the Red Sea

  I wish I could like part the Red Sea. That was pretty cool!

  We used to watch the Ten Commandments like every year when I was growing up right before Easter so yesterday it was a great thing to be able to go back and watch it with my parents. I'm talking about the Charlton Heston one.

  Although, I gotta say, I get pretty pissed off when Moses goes to the mountain and everyone seems to forget in like ten minutes what they're supposed to be doing and start building the golden calf.

  Also, I never realized this before but that was a real live frat party that they were having at the end when Moses comes back and gets mad at everyone.

  All this meant that I basically ignored Match.com guy when he texted me wanting to talk. Whatever dude. You weren't confident with a strong woman at first, I dunno if you will be now. Oprah always said the first thing a woman says is usually what they're really feeling.

  So today is simple. Easter Dinner and stuffs. I had a relaxing morning. Read some B.B. Hamel to get into the Easter spirit lol.

  Although you know the problem with reading BB when you're at your parents house? There's no way to relieve the.....tension.

  Although, they did replace the showerhead in the guest bathroom. It's portable now. Hmmm...

  Men Are Like Onions

  I dunno if I can ever walk again...

  Usually I say that because of sex.

  Today it's because of food.

  I ate soooo much! OMG. I think I need to go get on the treadmill and run for like 50 miles and then get on the stairclimber for like 98 hours and then have like 100 hours of vigorous sex to work off all the food I ate oh no!

  But I got your emails and ok, fine. I will give Match.com guy a chance and respond back to his texts. So many of you were like oh my God, give the guy a chance he's probably intimidated by the whole thing I figured why not. But if he doesn't try anything - like if he doesn't put his hand on my knee or cop a feel or try to squeeze something or kiss me and just shakes my hand and says goodnight - that's it, I'm walking.

  The best line I heard from your responses was:

  "Men are like onions, they can either really enhance a dish or stink on your hands for a week. You never know, until you peel them!!!"

  I LOLLed so hard!

  Anyways, I'm going to go relax for the night, and actually Michelle Love sent me this book to take a look at and it was great! Take a look if you're in food coma with me and need to sit down with something sexy. Also, grab your freebie at the bottom!

  Goodnight!

  Hugs and Kisses and Lots of Love,

  Alexis

  Hopes and Dreams

  So much stuff to give away...

  Hey babes just dropping you a message as I leave the parental units and head back. It’s really awesome because I’m gonna be on an Amtrak train and sitting near the window as the train rolls along looking out the landscape and writing. Seems kinda romantic.

  Maybe a handsome stranger will sit across from me and look me in the eyes and ask me what I’m doing. And I can tell him I write smut and I’m writing a sex scene. And he would ask me, do I ever practice what I write? Then he’d see the look in my eyes and we’d go into a bathroom (?) and he and I would proceed to have sex. Then he’d get off at my stop and live real close to me and end up being a world class billionaire chef who also gave amazing massages and he’d scoop me up and take me forever to heaven – also known as The Ritz Carlton Hotel. Here, we would live happily ever after.

  Uhm, wow. I need to come back down to reality.

  Hugs and Kisses and Lots of Love,

  Alexis

  Train

  So I read this book on the train...

  I loved it! It was so amazing!

  Ashlee Price baby, I was reading your book on an BART train and getting all squirmy!

  BART stands for Bay Area Rapid Transit.

  But I couldn't do anything about it because uhm, hello, I'm on a train. So like I just kept reading. Anyways, I got home a bit earlier and I definitely uhm, rectified the situation.

  Oh speaking of, I talked to Match.com Guy #1 after you guys were like yeah give him another shot. So we’re meeting up tomorrow now. He’s taking me to some wine and cheese cave in the Castro. Yeah, I don’t know about going on a date in the Castro. It seems kinda like a bad omen. But we’ll see. I mean, at least this guy is taking me on dates, and he’s not like lets grab a few drinks and then bone, you know? Because sometimes, that’s what it feels like dating has become. Sometimes you don’t even get a meal anymore! I dunno about you, but I’m not putting handling your sausage
till I eat some steak.

  And it doesn’t even have to be steak. I mean, I’m happy with shrimp! Or lobster. Even arugula. But definitely bread. Like breadsticks. No pasta though because summer is coming.

  And oh my God, get ready to hear me moan about summer coming. So I have boot camp Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday this week to get in shape for summer. I only have a month and half. Luckily, my book boyfriends won’t care if I’m pale. Or have that extra few pounds that winter seems to hide so well.

  Taxes

  If taxes were only like romance novels, life would be easier...

  I swear, I can’t figure out which form I should fill out and what I should do. And before you tell me to use TurboTax or a service, need I remind you that I used to work on Wall Street. I should be able to do all this stuffs! But I don’t really like it – I didn’t like it back in the day either! I’d much rather wear fluffy PJs and eat ice cream and write smut and then put on heels and cute underwear and go out with my girlfriends to some club where this dashing and handsome guy would sweep me off my feet and take me back to his place and he wouldn’t forget the condoms so I wouldn’t have to root around through my bag either at 2 am in the morning wondering which one of us is gonna have to go to Duane Reade (Walgreens for people outside New York City).

  Anyways, we were talking about taxes. Seriously, so I have to do two sets of taxes. One with my business partner for my writing stuffs and one on my own for me. The Naughty Angel Publishing stuff at least someone else helps take care of – my rationale for this is that I’m too busy writing smut. But for me – I gotta do that on my own.

  So I’m looking at this form. And it’s saying business deductions. And I’m wondering do the sex toys count as business deductions? I mean I need them to write to see if a scene is hot or not, ya know? Like test it out LMAO. What would the IRS say?

  Oh, to top it off, then I start to imagine me sitting at the IRS office getting audited because for Occupation I put “Smut Queen” since I am like the #6 author in contemporary romance (woohoo!). And I’m all dressed all sexy in front of this IRS guy and he’s like what kind of smut? And I show him and he gets all flustered because he reads it too. And he’s like, fine take all your deductions and I’m like thanks!

  Yeah, I forgot what I was talking about just now and obviously went off on a tangent. But it’s good because I needed this break to talk to you guys. Doing taxes suck. I should have done my own way before this. But I gotta get it done today L

  Hugs and Kisses and Lots of Love,

  Alexis

  HEA

  So, guy I was dating has like totally fizzled out…

  Match.com guy.

  I gave him plenty of chances to express SOME sort of interest but while I could tell that he was into me and he wanted some, he just didn’t act. Even when I gave him multiple openings. I couldn’t have dropped any more hints without like you know, taking off my panties and writing my number on them – which you remember I did in the past haha.

  But honestly, in all seriousness, it’s like I would have had to take off my clothes and then take off his clothes and then get him hard and then get on top of him and have sex with him and maybe he would figure out that I was sorta into him.

  But I can’t do that. I don’t have the upper body strength to be able to move him like that. So I dunno. I guess I gave him several opportunities and when it didn’t happen, it’s time to move on. And I’m okay with that lol!

  But I feel kinda bad because I’m writing these happily ever after stories and I’m in a far from happily ever situation myself. But then I stop and think.

  I have my Naughty Angels. They make me happy.

  I have my Dirty Lil’ Angels on Facebook. That makes me so happy.

  I make countless readers happy (hopefully) every day. That makes me SOOOO happy!

  I have my parents and friends and everyone I know on Facebook.

  I have my fellow authors – I’ve learned so much from them and aspire to be so much like them.

  I have you guys and I look forward to talking to you everyday. It’s amazing and so therapeutic.

  So, I mean, who says I don’t have my HEA for right now?? Just because I’m not married doesn’t mean I’m sad. OMG. Maybe back in 1939 that was true but hello, its 2016!

  So, you know what? I’m so happy. Sure I’m not in a relationship right now. But I'm prolly the happiest I've ever been.

  So if you're out there in a bad marriage, single, divorced, or in a marriage and lonely, don't give up hope. Reach out to your sisters - the women around you. You'll never know how loved you are till you do!

  Hugs and Kisses and Lots of Love,

  Alexis

  HFN

  So remember back in the day (yesterday) when I said I was prolly get old alone by myself?

  So do you know Madison Faye? She is an awesome author. So she messages me today because she needed some info from me and I was all like waking up. But I was like “Hold on I just woke up but I need to get home and get you the deets”.

  That’s right because I totally woke up in some guy’s house. More appropriately in some guy’s bed. Not just some guy but this guy I’ve been crushing on for like a long time since last week when I saw him at the wine bar that he works at.

  But it’s completely crazy because yesterday after I wrote the email for my NL I went back to work and afterwards took my laptop and went to the wine bar and was drinking and working when this guy who works there comes by because he’s not working that day but just to say hi. He sees me as he goes to the bar to order some dinner and I say hi and we’re talking omg. He’s kinda cute but whatevs that could be wine goggles because I’ve had like three glasses of wine and it’s like evening. So we talk some more and he asks me what I’m working on and I don’t wanna tell him.

  But he keeps pressing me and I’m collaborating on a scene with Lana and I show him. He reads it and I swear I was only just glancing down towards the ground but I see his crotch and it looks like he’s gotten kinda hard omg yay!

  Then, instead of being all judgy he asks if I write pretty consistently and I’m like hello, I’m actually pretty prolific. So he takes my number and I get his and he says maybe in the future we can write together.

  A few hours later we’re texting. Then we’re sexting. Then I’m ubering to his place. Where we try and act out a chapter from 12 Inches.

  He’s not boyfriend material. But he was great one night material to make you forget. And put a smile on my face.

  :)

  Hugs and Kisses and Lots of Love,

  Alexis

  Sexy Saturday

  I just wanted to say "Sexy Saturday" okay?

  Lets see, I woke up with Wine Bar Guy this morning around 9 am PST and somehow managed to do the walk of shame back home (which wasn't too far) and shower and do some writing.

  Yeah, it was a good night last night. Although, trying to walk back in heels the morning after kinda sucks. So that's why this little bunny made sure to pack some flats in her purse! My genius astounds me.

  Then tonight I have dinner with a girlfriend after which we're going to a house party where we're meeting these two guys she knows. They work in tech, and the guy that I'm meeting works at Intel, so I'm gonna call him ComputerChip.

  So, as long as ComputerChip and I don't run into WineBar I think we should be cool. But WineBar has work today so I'm not worried. I'm gonna head to the gym (not the actual gym but the one in the building) and then shower and get ready for dinner.

  So that's two dates in one day!! Yayayayayaya!!! <3

  And yes, I do count waking up next to WineBar and giving him a slurpee a "date". We both did some eating, just not food, per se.

  And as long as ComputerChip and I don't actually hook up before midnight, we're fine. Which means no penetration inside of me. That means that up to 11:59 pm the chastity belt has to stay on, but then at midnight the belt comes off - along with everything else, baby!! LOL

  Why is this? I just don't
wanna be like the kinda girl that sleeps with two guys in one day, you know? It would be one thing if it were like they were together and like one of them was doing me from the back and the other I was going down on. But like they don't know about each other and I wanna be respectful because one of them could end up being the one. I just have that personal code of conduct when looking for love.

  Hugs and Kisses and Lots of Love,

  Alexis

  Naughty