Whiskey and Regret

by Danielle James

  “I can’t wait to go!” Frankie chirped, hugging me from the side. Xari held on to my other side and I wrapped my arms around both of them.

  My girls…

  “Ooh! I’m gonna pick out outfits. Come on, Xari.”

  “Go ahead, Frank. I’ll be there in a second,” she replied with a laugh. Frankie rushed out of the room and I waited to hear her footsteps above my head before grabbing Xari and kissing her. Her lips tasted like fruit.

  “You could have let me in on the surprise,” she said when we broke apart.

  “Wouldn’t have been a surprise then, would it?” My hand slid up to cup her breasts and pinch her nipples. They were already hard for me. Perfect golden pebbles.

  “I’m starting to think you more than like me, Evander. I might even say you…care.” She was grinning like there was a joke somewhere between her words. There was no joke. Only truth.

  I cared about Xari.

  I more than cared about her.

  “If I did care…would that be so bad?” I tugged on a chestnut brown spiral curl and Xari’s espresso eyes sobered.

  “It wouldn’t be bad at all. It would stop me from feeling lonely…like I’m the only one who cares between us.” The fine arch of her brows fell a little as she frowned.

  “You care about me?” I asked.

  “Yeah. I thought you could tell.” She shrugged.

  “How would I be able to tell if you never opened your mouth? You normally say all kinds of reckless shit without a problem. But when it comes down to telling me how you feel…you clam up? Bad girl.” I tipped my chin and nipped at her bottom lip, making her squeak. “Shh…” I pointed to the ceiling and she nodded.

  “I didn’t want you to think I wanted a relationship or anything. No strings attached, remember?”

  “Well, what do I do if I want to void our previous contract?” My hands rode her tiny waist, pulling her closer. Xari was like oxygen. I needed her near and around me at all times. The closer….the better.

  “You’re the lawyer, Freeman.”

  “I am…” We fell into another kiss because I was helpless. Sucking and biting on her lips and tongue was the greatest high.

  “Xari!” Frankie’s voice sounded from the steps. “Come on, I need your help…please? I’ll make you more bagels.”

  Xari pulled away from me and smiled. “I gotta help our girl pick out clothes. We can talk about voiding that contract later.” She bounced out of the room and I watched her ass as she left.

  What the fuck was she doing to me?

  I was seriously considering moving forward with her. Now that I knew her and saw past the bratty, seemingly immature exterior, I saw a woman I wanted to grow with.

  Fuck. I needed to take a walk.

  I went to the mailbox and made sure to take deep breaths and look up at the night sky. Normally, the housekeeper grabbed the mail but I needed an excuse to stretch my legs. I grabbed the small stack of envelopes in the mailbox and flipped through them. Two of them were for Xari. One credit card statement and one car note. I left them both on the island for her when I walked into the kitchen. I didn’t open her mail but I remembered when she first started working for me how she couldn’t stick to a budget and had no plans for extra streams of income. She hadn’t paid her car note because she thought her parents were still paying it. The same went for all her bills.

  She went from stacks of statements to two. Her car and her consolidated credit card.

  The whiteboard wall near the pantry was decorated in Xari’s curly handwriting with Frankie’s schedule mapped out for the week. She pushed the schedule to me and Alexis promptly, and she’d never been late picking Frankie up from school or activities. Her parents were worried that she’d never grow up but as far as I was concerned, Xari was growing into a beautiful, rooted woman.

  “Daddy! Come watch me model!” Frankie had to stop shouting through the house. It shattered whatever thought I was having every time. I headed to her room and found her dressed in a pair of distressed jeans and an orange halter top that tied around her neck. All I saw was pretty bronze skin fit for a princess. My brows bunched together and I sighed, folding my arms.

  “You’re wearing a jacket over that shirt, right?”

  “A jacket? It’s getting hot outside now. I’ll bake.”

  “Okay, so why not a tank top?”

  “Because I like this shirt.” Her eyes held onto defiance and I knew I had my work cut out for me.

  “Look, sweetheart…you’re beautiful. This color is amazing on your skin but you’re not wearing a halter top.”

  “Seriously, Dad? It’s a shirt. I’m not showing a lot. Just shoulders.”

  “And your back. It’s too much, Francesca.”

  “I have a cute Gucci tank that would look adorable with these jeans. Go through my shit until you find it.” Xari was the tension breaker Frankie and I both needed.

  “What if I find something else I like? Like that floral Dries Van Noten blouse…” Frankie’s eyes sparkled when she leaned against Xari whimpering and pleading. I knew those eyes. Those were the puppy dog eyes.

  “Okay…but nothing white or cream or…”

  “I get it, Xari. No light colors. I’m not five. I know how to keep things clean.”

  “Sure you do, Frank.” Xari smiled and patted her on the head. I knew if I weren’t standing there Frankie would’ve had an expert comeback for Xari. Instead, she just glared and walked to her room.

  “Haven’t you learned how your daughter operates?” Xari asked, bumping me with her hips.

  “I know. The more resistance I put up, the more she puts up and we end up in a stalemate.” I tugged Xari close to me and kissed her forehead.

  “See, you get it.”

  “I know but when I see my baby girl all dressed up and looking grown…” I groaned, tilting my head back. “I lose my shit.”

  “I know. Can I tell you a secret?” She laughed into her hand.

  “Yeah, what’s up?”

  “I was hoping you’d veto the halter top. It was a bit much. Frankie is my little baby. I don’t want to see her in a halter yet. Maybe when she’s fifteen or sixteen.”

  “I might agree to that,” I said, skimming my fingertips over Xari’s full lips.

  “Sixteen and she can wear halter tops.” She popped up on the balls of her feet and pressed a quick kiss to my lips. “Why the fuck can’t decisions with Alexis go over this well?” I didn’t want to bring up Alexis while I had Xari in my arms but I hated the way I had to fight with her when it came to raising our daughter.

  “Because Alexis is full of fillers. It’s in her brain now.” Even though I thought I was going to pop a blood vessel when I saw Frankie in that top, laughing with Xari brought me back down to earth.

  “We’re still on for talking about that contract, right?” I asked.

  “Yes, of course,” Xari grinned.

  “What contract?” Frankie walked in with an arm full of shirts and blouses. Xari and I jumped apart like we got caught fucking. My arm was only around her shoulders but Frankie had never seen us physically close that way. “Why was your arm around her, Dad?” She chuckled.

  “Jesus, Frankie am I so mean you think I can’t give your nanny a hug?” Calling Xari a nanny felt wrong. She was a part of our little family now. She wasn’t just a nanny.

  “Nanny?” Xari snapped, looking at me with eyes that could slice me in half. A nervous laugh was my only armor in a gunfight.

  “Xari is like my big sister,” Frankie said, also taking offense to me calling Xari her nanny.

  “Right. I mean, not exactly a sister but…” I tried to distance Frankie from thinking about Xari like a sister. It would make shit weird when I told her…

  What the hell was I going to tell her?

  Had I decided to take the next step with Xari?

  “Look, let’s pick out one shirt from the five million you have so you can put my clothes back.” Xari clapped her hands. Frankie eyed me for a little w
hile before dropping the clothes on her bed.

  I decided to leave before I interjected my opinion in any more outfit choices. I went to the den and tried to look over work emails but my book kept calling. I always answered when words called.

  My lips burned for a sip of whiskey but I refrained. I heard Xari’s voice telling me I didn’t need to drink when I wrote. I didn’t need to hide my passion.

  So, instead of pouring myself a glass of Jameson, I started typing.

  “Okay, I got her down to one of my shirts. She’s putting the rest of them back.” Xari sat beside me and kicked her bare feet up. “Ooh, is this A Heart’s Ache?” She asked, looking at the words on my laptop. It was the second half of my finished book; A Heart’s Song. I was impressed that she could tell.

  “Yeah. I should be working but…”

  “When passion calls, it calls. It’s like a drug. Now, imagine how amazing your high would be if you sent a query letter to a couple hundred publishers and you heard back from one.” She beamed with a smile.

  “You make it tough to write when you’re filling my head with dreams.”

  “It could be your reality but you’re being a scared bitch.” She poked me and I grabbed her hand without even a second passing. I bit her finger, trapping it between my teeth. “Okay!” She conceded with a laugh, snatching her finger out of my mouth.

  “Now, let me get some words in, woman.” I nipped at her shoulder.

  “Fine. You know I’m right though.”

  “Nah. You’re being crazy. My stuff isn’t ready for a publisher,” I insisted.

  “Okay, Evander.” She rolled her eyes and stood up. “I’m going to practice.”

  I already knew the sound of her music would relax me. It always did. I also knew I’d find myself sitting on the couch in the formal living room listening, watching, and needing to be closer to her.

  I held off for as long as I could. I wrote words and fleshed out my storyline. I hammered out steamy dialogue and even got into an amazing sex scene. I couldn’t write about sex without looking at the woman who made my dick hard with one look.

  When I stood to follow the melody floating from the formal living room, Frankie showed up with a smile. “Hey, sweetheart,” I said leaning down to kiss her forehead.

  “Hey, Daddy. You don’t have whiskey.” She glanced down at my hands then back into my eyes.

  “No, I don’t. I was getting some work done.”

  “You usually have whiskey when you write or work from home.”

  “Not all the time,” I countered, scrubbing my palm against my chin.

  “Yeah. All the time.”

  Damn, if my drinking was so habitual that Frankie noticed when I didn’t have a glass in my hand, something was wrong.

  “Can I use the oven? I saw a recipe on YouTube I wanna try.”

  “Yeah, don’t broil anything unless either me or Xari is in there with you though.” I loved watching her blossom and fall in love with cooking. She wasn’t half-bad either. I liked the bagels she packed me for lunch last week and she’d become an expert pancake maker.

  “Hey,” I walked into the formal living room and sank into the couch. Xari’s eyes opened long enough to look at me and flash a sexy smile. God, I wanted to kiss her lips and pull her against me. Instead, I poured all that passion into my words.

  The more Xari played, the easier my words flowed out. She was truly a muse to my writing. When she took a break and the music stopped, my eyes jerked to her. She was stretching with her eyes closed.

  She raised her hands above her head and leaned to the left and then the right. She was a slender reed in the moonlight. My feet carried me to her before I knew what I was doing.

  I slid my hands down her sides making her big brown eyes snap open. “You scared the fuck out of me. You know Frankie is right in the kitchen.” Her hushed tone and cautious expression only made me want to kiss her and touch her more. What the fuck was wrong with me?

  “I know but I told you what it does to me when I see you sitting there…perched, doing what you love, looking like an angel.” I leaned down and kissed her neck, tasting the sweet warmth of her skin. My hands roamed to her breasts, kneading them and seeking out the stiff nipples beneath her blouse.

  “Oh, god, Evander…” Her breathy whispers spoke directly to my cock. “You’re so fucking bad.” She pulled away, glancing toward the doorway.

  “Nah…I leave that to you.”

  “You already know how I feel about you,” she purred.

  “Do I?” The question was eager and hungry to hear her answer.

  “I guess that’s something we need to talk about when we discuss the uh…contract.” For the first time since I met her, Xari sounded completely unsure. It didn’t do much to boost my confidence. Maybe she didn’t feel as strongly as I did. Maybe she didn’t want to take our friends-with-benefits relationship to the next level.

  I did though.

  “What is this contract you guys keep talking about?” Frankie frowned. Where the hell did she keep coming from? I had to figure out what was going on with me and Xari before my head was completely wrapped up in her with no hope for a cure.

  “Xari’s contract,” I stammered, shoving my hands in my pockets and angling myself so she wouldn’t see my erection.

  “She’s not leaving, is she?” Frankie’s eyes were wide pools of emotion. She looked like my little girl right then. Sometimes she shifted in and out of maturity and childlikeness. I had a love-hate relationship with the preteen years. I loved watching her grow and become independent, but I hated how much she was growing away from me.

  “No, girl. You can’t get rid of me that easy,” Xari chuckled.

  “We need to discuss when she wants to move into the guest house.” That was bullshit. I hated lying to my daughter but I couldn’t tell her about Xari and me until I knew if there was a Xari and me. If there was a chance, then I’d break it to her with Xari by my side.

  …

  Bedtime for Frankie came quickly and consisted of hugs and kisses from me and a hug from Xari along with lots of secretive giggles that used to make me uneasy and curious. Now, I knew those giggles meant Frankie was having fun. I’d never heard her laugh so much.

  I settled in my bedroom to write because I didn’t want to be in the living room or the den. I wanted to be somewhere intimate and quiet when I talked to Xari about what was going on between us.

  When I knew Frankie was in bed with the lights out, I sent Xari a text to meet me in my bedroom. About seven minutes later, she was knocking softly on the door before pushing it open and walking in. The way she swayed her slender hips and shapely legs over to the bed, forced my eyes to focus on her.

  I might have been the writer but Xari was the words. She was the whisper in my ear that told me being a published author was a real possibility. My heart thumped harder in her magnetic presence.

  “You’re not writing in the den tonight?” She asked, climbing on the bed to sit beside me. I shut my laptop because when she was in the room, all my concentration honed in on her anyway.

  “Nah, I felt like writing in my room tonight. Plus, I wanted to talk to you.” My hand slid over to her thigh. It was warm and firm beneath my touch. I wanted to spread her legs and speak my feelings directly into her pussy.

  That would have been easier than admitting I wanted something deeper with her. It would have been easier than admitting what I knew was happening in my heart and head. It was the first time they both agreed on the same thing.

  “You wanted to talk to me or fuck me?” She grinned.

  “You and this nasty little mouth, Xari.” I gripped her smooth jawline and she giggled. She was always down to do whatever felt right in the moment. I didn’t know how she would feel about pursuing something deeper though.

  I’d watched her grow up and mature but how deep did those evolutions run? I hated the thought of putting my feelings on the line for them not to be reciprocated. The pads of my fingers tingled as I construc
ted the words I wanted to say in my mind.

  “Nah, but I did want to talk to you.” I kissed the back of her hand and she nodded, her eyes sobering.

  “About this,” she gestured between us.

  “Yeah.” I nodded.

  “Listen, Evander…” Her slender throat flexed as she studied her fingers and hands. Immaculately shaped and filed nails painted white seemed to be the most interesting things she’d ever laid eyes on.

  “If you don’t want to keep fucking around, I understand.” The fine arches of her eyebrows pulled together and crimson heat mottled her ochre skin. I couldn’t believe my ears.

  She thought I wanted to break things off.

  “I don’t want to keep fucking around, Xari,” I said with a huge exhale. Her shoulders fell and hurt flashed in her eyes. She tried to cover it but I saw it. I rushed to ease the sting. “I want something deeper.” I touched the side of her face, cupping her cheek in my hand. Her skin was warm and silky against mine. “With you.”

  She studied me for a minute, uncertainty gripping her in a frozen fist. “Wait, so you don’t want to break things off with one last fuck?”

  “Hell no,” I chuckled, relief dripping through my veins like cool water. “It’s the opposite,” I told her, swallowing a knot of jittery nerves. The room fell silent. The knocking of my heart reverberated against the walls of my ribs.

  It was now or never. Spit it out and put my heart on the razor-thin line. Either I’d come out on the other side reassured by her reciprocity or sliced to ribbons by her rejection.

  “Xari, I’m falling for you.” There. I said it. The truth was finally out in the universe. A truth I’d been avoiding for so long. I conjured it in my heart and spoke it from my lips.

  I couldn’t deny that I was falling. I cared about her too much. I loved her easy company and encouraging words. I loved her confidence and fire. I loved how she made me laugh. Most importantly, the way she loved Frankie put me at peace.

  The gasp she sucked in froze me. I didn’t know what was coming next. I held my breath and listened to my blood pound against my veins.

  Say something, Xari…