by Donna Alward
If.
Tess stared up into eyes so vivid with promise that all she had to do was reach out. She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth and tasted him there. Her body clamoured for more, but...
She shivered. Ty and Krissie.
She gave a tiny shake of her head.
She felt the sigh he heaved back, but he nodded his acknowledgement. He went to lift her off his lap, but she held up a hand to forestall him. She dragged in a breath, counted to three...four, and then removed herself under her own steam until she was sitting beside him again.
‘I really shouldn’t have done that,’ she murmured.
He surveyed her with watchful eyes, but didn’t say anything. She bit her lip and then shrugged. ‘But while I shouldn’t have kissed you, I can’t find it in myself to be sorry for it.’ She frowned, suddenly realising how selfish that sounded. ‘I mean, I’m sorry if I made you—’
‘Me neither, Tess,’ he cut in.
He leaned back, a grin lighting those ecstasy-inducing lips of his and hunger raged through her.
‘I don’t see why you shouldn’t have done it. I don’t have a problem if you want to do it again.’ He raised his hands. ‘Just saying.’
She laughed and shook her head. ‘I shouldn’t have done it because I liked it too much.’
‘And there’s a problem with that?’
It was the same as when she played the piano or the guitar—the world receded and the music took over. And until three months ago, she’d let it. Willingly. Gladly. She’d welcomed it. Only now, she knew how selfish that had been. How unfair it had been to those around her.
No more.
She’d let her selfish obsession keep her from Sarah, when her sister had needed her. She couldn’t afford to let Ty and Krissie down in the same way.
‘There are just too many strikes against us, Cameron.’
‘Like?’
‘Like the fact I truly believe Ty and Krissie need stability for a while. I don’t think it’s fair to ask them to adjust to a new man in their lives just yet. Not after everything they’ve been through. I don’t think that’s unreasonable, even if you do. We’re just searching for...’
‘An even keel.’
She nodded. ‘I really don’t want to mess this up.’
‘Strike One,’ he murmured.
She glanced down at her hands and then back at him. ‘There are other issues too. You have a grudge in your heart that’s bigger than forty hectares of golden canola. Until you come to terms with that, there’ll never be room in your heart for another woman.’
He drew back. ‘I have good reason for that grudge.’
‘Yes, you do.’
‘But?’
Couldn’t he see how much his bitterness, how much holding on to his grudge was hurting him? ‘It’s just from where I’m standing—sitting—that’s Strike Two.’
He didn’t say anything.
She couldn’t let it go. ‘What Lance and Fiona did to you, Cameron, sucks. But...’ She gripped her hands together. ‘But has it never occurred to you that maybe they never meant for it to happen, that they never meant to hurt you? That maybe they just fell in love with each other? Maybe he’s just as appalled by what’s happened as you are.’
Cam dragged a hand back through his hair, making it stand on end. She ached to reach out and smooth it back down.
‘Look, Tess, all his life Lance has been jealous of me. Jealous that I had a father with a bigger station than his father’s. Jealous that I had two homes I divided my time between. Jealous that I did well at sport and at school. You name it—if it was mine, he wanted it.’
He scowled out at the yard. ‘If he spent half as much time working towards whatever it was he wanted instead of resenting me for having it, or stealing it from me, then he might have achieved something worthwhile. I thought he’d grow out of it. Hoped he would. For heaven’s sake, he’s twenty-six years old! I never thought he would go to such lengths, but...’
His hands clenched. ‘But it appears he still wants what I have, so, no, I haven’t considered the fact that he never meant to hurt me. I know that’s precisely what he was hoping to achieve.’
Bile burned the back of Tess’s throat at the expression in his eyes.
‘He stole all that I most cherished in this world, and he laughed while he did it. Forgiveness, even if he asked for it...’
He broke off, his face growing grimmer. ‘This time he went too far. He involved an innocent third party in his nasty little games.’
All that I most cherished. She swallowed, suddenly nauseous. ‘Fiona?’ The name croaked out of her.
He gave one hard nod.
She swallowed again. ‘Forgive me for saying this, but the fact she, um...canoodled with your brother while engaged to you doesn’t exactly cast her in the role of an innocent.’
Did he still love that tall, slim woman with the golden ponytail? The thought left a bad taste in her mouth. If her stomach hadn’t been churning so badly she’d have grabbed another piece of cake to override it.
‘Lance has always had more charm than was good for him. He knows how to woo a woman and make her believe he’s in love with her.’
She leant towards him, though she was careful not to touch him. ‘But maybe he really loves Fiona.’
He turned to her then and raised a dark eyebrow. ‘When he’s finished with her, he’ll dump her.’ His lips compressed into a hard, grim line. ‘He’ll break her heart. All just to get back at me.’
That didn’t ring true. Oh, she didn’t doubt for a moment that Cam believed it, but... ‘They looked very together at the luncheon...as in a definite couple. Cameron, it’s been ten months. Your mother obviously thinks they mean to marry.’
He didn’t say anything for a long moment. ‘Even if what you say is true, does that excuse the fact that they betrayed me?’
‘Of course it doesn’t! But maybe it’d prove that they never meant to hurt you, and that has to count for something.’
‘If it were true, perhaps it would.’
She ached for him then, for the pain she sensed bubbling beneath the surface, his utter sense of betrayal. Forgiveness would bring him peace, if only he would consider it. Ten months. Surely that was long enough. But some wounds, she knew, never healed.
She smoothed her hair back, longing to make him smile. ‘Do you know you kiss like an angel, Cameron? And that by holding onto your grudge you’re depriving some woman out there of the most divine kisses, all because you won’t forgive Lance?’
He stared and then a laugh shot out of him. ‘I didn’t realise you could be quite so persistent.’
‘Dog with a bone,’ she agreed. Speaking of dogs... She glanced around and then blew out a breath when she found Barney and Fluffy sunning themselves only a few feet away. ‘My parents found it one of my less endearing traits.’ But it was the reason she’d become such a fine musician.
He leaned towards her, swamping her with his green-grass freshness and all that false promise. She gulped. He didn’t mean to kiss her again, did he?
He reached out and traced a finger down her cheek. Her pulse leapt to life beneath it. ‘Tess, regardless of what anyone says, you are divine.’
What if she channelled all the energy she’d put into her music into healing this man, into loving him and showing him there was a better way? Would she succeed? Would she—?
She drew back. She didn’t have the time or the luxury for those kinds of games. If she only had herself to consider...
But she didn’t.
Her skin pimpled with gooseflesh when she recalled the kind of family Sarah had dreamed of having—a wonderful, close-knit family who loved each other, supported each other and did things together. That had all been taken away from her. It had all gone so terribly wrong for he
r, and for Ty and Krissie too. Tess couldn’t let it go bad for them again. Her fingers shook and her throat tightened. She’d failed Sarah once, but she wouldn’t fail her again.
Ty and Krissie were the ones who deserved—who needed—all her energy. And she couldn’t risk their hearts to such an endeavour. She couldn’t let them become so dependent on Cam that they’d be crushed when he left.
When he left...
‘And Strike Three,’ she said, ‘you’re planning on leaving town. Unless you’ve changed your mind on that head.’ Her heart gave a traitorous jump.
‘I haven’t changed my mind.’ He stared down at his hands. ‘Strike Three,’ he agreed.
They sat in silence for a moment. ‘So lots of reasons not to kiss,’ he said, as if double-checking her resolve.
‘Yep.’ She couldn’t keep the glumness from her voice.
Cam rose. ‘I think it’s beyond time that I made tracks.’
A protest clamoured through her but she bit it back. He was right.
He set his dusty Akubra on top of his head and touched its brim in a kind of salute. ‘I’ll be seeing you, Tess.’
It had all the finality of an irrevocable goodbye.
* * *
‘Let’s go down this road,’ Ty said, pointing to the right.
Krissie nodded her agreement.
Ty held Barney on his lap, Krissie held Fluffy on her lap, and Tess had a picnic hamper on the passenger seat beside her. It was Saturday. The children had completed their first full week of school, and they’d agreed to spend the day exploring the surrounds of their new home.
Tess turned the car obediently in the direction Ty had indicated. All the roads around here seemed to be unsealed, and some of them weren’t in the best of repair. This one was no exception, but she didn’t mind driving slowly to avoid the worst of the potholes and corrugations. It gave her a chance to enjoy the scenery.
And the scenery was stunning—long stretches of low hills green with wheat and lucerne. Here and there a river or stream gleamed silver-blue amid the landscape. There were ridges of land dotted with scribbly gums and sheep, and brown fields enclosing brown cattle, muddy dams and dandelions. It was warm enough still to leave the window down and the air was fresh and green, if occasionally dusty.
‘Fluffy thinks that’d be the best spot for our picnic,’ Krissie announced, pointing to a stand of Kurrajong trees up ahead.
The trees formed a natural glade that sloped down to a river. Tess glanced at her watch. They’d been driving for just over an hour, and, if her sense of direction was anything to go by, they should’ve nearly completed the loop that would take them back into Bellaroo Creek.
They’d taken the road west out of town and the plan had been to circle around and come back in on the town’s northern side. According to her calculations, they couldn’t be more than a couple of kilometres from the township.
And it was nearly lunchtime.
And she was starving!
She pulled the car to the side of the road. ‘Well spotted, Fluffy. This looks like a fabulous picnic spot.’ She hoped whoever owned the land wouldn’t mind them trespassing. ‘Watch out for cows,’ she hollered as the children and animals spilled from the car and raced towards the river. ‘And don’t get too close to the water!’
She was out of breath when she reached them. And, truly, it was the prettiest spot. They all gazed at it in silence for a moment as if to just drink it in. ‘Beautiful,’ Tess breathed.
Krissie slipped her hand inside Tess’s. ‘Do you think Cam has a river on his station?’
‘I haven’t the foggiest, chickadee, but I expect so. You can ask him next time you see him.’
‘At judo class!’
Both children were excited by the after-school activities on offer, but especially Cam’s judo class.
‘Ninja!’ Ty executed a high, flying kick that made Fluffy flap her wings.
‘Food,’ Tess countered.
They spread out a blanket and devoured their picnic—sandwiches, fruit, date scones and bottles of water—sharing it all with Barney and Fluffy. By the time they were finished, Tess wanted nothing more than to curl up on the blanket and doze in the sun.
‘Barney wants to explore,’ Ty announced.
‘Of course he does,’ Tess said, suppressing a grin, a sigh and an eye-roll all in one movement. She glanced at Krissie.
‘Fluffy wants to sleep.’ She sighed.
Lucky Fluffy.
‘Right, well, we’ll take our picnic things back to the car and put Fluffy in her cage to sleep.’ Tess had thankfully had the foresight to pack the cage and some newspaper. She left the rear door of the car up and wound down all the windows. ‘Okay, which way does Barney want to go?’
They walked beside the river. With the children and puppy racing off in front of her, leaving her momentarily chatter free, Tess was at leisure to enjoy the peace. After only five minutes of walking, they rounded a bend and a low sandstone and wrought-iron wall brought them up short.
Krissie turned back to her. ‘What is it?’
Tess glanced over the fence. It was so overgrown it took her a moment to make out what it was. When she did her stomach gave a queer little jerk. ‘It’s a cemetery,’ she said, watching both children carefully.
Neither recoiled, and she let out a breath.
‘Can we go in?’
Shielding her eyes against the sun, Tess followed the sandstone wall around until she found what she was looking for. ‘The entrance is over there.’ She pointed. If they’d driven a little further on they’d have happened upon this spot in the car—it was the very end of the road. Her lips twisted. In more ways than one, she supposed, but she determinedly left the gallows humour behind as she walked through the gate.
‘Ty, Krissie.’ She gestured to the children. ‘There are some rules we need to observe in a cemetery. It’s very bad manners to walk on a grave, so please keep to the paths.’ And there were some, even if they were terribly overgrown in places. Someone was doing what they could to maintain this little cemetery. ‘If you want to look at the headstones walk beside the graves, okay?’
Both children nodded solemnly. ‘What about Barney?’
‘Puppies are exempt, young man.’
They turned in concert to find an elderly woman, half hidden in the shade of a Kurrajong tree, sitting on a camp chair beside one of the graves. ‘I hope we’re not disturbing you,’ Tess ventured.
‘Not at all, lovey.’
Tess moved towards her. ‘I’m Tess Laing and this is my nephew and niece—’
‘Tyler and Kristina, yes, I’ve heard about you folk and I’m real pleased you’ve come to settle in Bellaroo Creek. I’m Edna Fairfield. I meant to make it to your luncheon, but my knees aren’t as young as they used to be. My husband, Ted, and I own a pocket of land just back that way.’ She nodded back the way Tess and the children had come.
After shy hellos, Ty and Krissie raced off to explore. Tess sat on the grass next to the older woman and Barney settled at her feet to nap. ‘I’m afraid we’ve been trespassing on your land. I’m terribly sorry.’
‘You’re welcome to wander through our holding whenever you want, lovey.’
They sat in silence for a while. Tess finally gestured. ‘Is this a private cemetery?’
‘Lord, no, it’s the Bellaroo Creek cemetery, but folks these days prefer to scatter the ashes of their loved ones on the land. Hardly anyone comes here any more.’
‘But you do?’
‘My dear mother and father are buried just over there.’ She pointed to a nearby grave. ‘And this here—’ she touched the edge of the grave she sat beside ‘—is where we buried my darling boy, Jack. He was only a tiny tot—eighteen months—when croup took him.’
Tess read the dates on the h
eadstone and a lump lodged in her throat. Edna had been coming here for sixty years to sit by her beloved baby son. ‘Oh, Mrs Fairfield,’ she whispered. ‘I’m so sorry for your loss.’
‘Don’t you go wasting your sympathy on me, young Tess. Ted and me, we raised three healthy children and sent them out into the world—good strong folk we’re proud of. Into every life there comes some sorrow.’ She might be old but her eyes hadn’t faded and they glanced shrewdly at Tess now. ‘I understand there’s been some recent sorrow in your lives too.’
She nodded. Into every life... She glanced at Ty and Krissie, carefully walking around the graves. ‘I’m thinking, though, that moving out here means we can start focusing on good things again.’
Please, God.
‘I don’t doubt that for a moment.’
She couldn’t help smiling at Edna’s no-nonsense country briskness.
‘But, lovey—’ Edna sighed after a moment ‘—I can’t help wondering who’ll come here and tend my Jack’s grave when Ted and I are gone.’ She shook her head. ‘It’s a silly thing to worry about, I know, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking about it.’
‘I don’t think it’s silly.’
She didn’t think it was the slightest bit silly. She went to say more but suddenly found Ty and Krissie standing in front of her. Holding hands, no less! ‘Everything okay, poppets?’
‘Can we bury Mummy here?’ Krissie asked without preamble.
Whoa!
Okay.
Um...
She glanced at Edna. ‘Is it still possible to arrange a plot here?’
‘I expect so, lovey. Lorraine Pritchard would be the person to ask. She’s the president of the Residents Committee.’
‘That’s Cam’s mum,’ Ty said to Edna. ‘He’s our friend.’
‘He lives right next door,’ Krissie added.
‘He’s a good young man,’ Edna agreed. ‘He helps Ted out every now and again. Means we can still manage to keep a few head of cattle on our land.’
He did? Tess stared at Edna. What would she and Ted do when Cam left?
* * *
Cam’s farm ute was parked out the front when they arrived back home. Tess parked beside it and tried to school her wayward heart back into its normal pace and rhythm instead of a ridiculous speeded-up staccato.
