Hold My Hand

by AC Oswald

  The old lady’s expression widened with a beatific smile.

  “You know, sometimes it seems as if everything’s going wrong, honey, as if there’ll never be a way out of our problems, but we should never give up. Even in the darkest times, there’s still hope,” she said. “And sometimes, when we least expect it, the happy times are waiting right around the corner.”

  Savannah sniffled, then blew her nose with a tissue the woman handed her. “It doesn’t look like it.” She started to sob. “It really doesn’t look like it.”

  The woman sat down next to her and began toying with the golden amulet she wore around her neck. “Oh, honey, you’re far too young and pretty to be so desperate.”

  An ironic laugh clutched at Savannah’s throat.

  “You know, sometimes,” the woman continued, “when I feel a little sad or when I’m missing my husband, I try to remember what makes me happy. I try to live every day as if it were my last. That doesn’t mean I have to do special things. I simply do what makes me feel better in that moment, go for a walk, have breakfast on my porch, call an old friend.”

  How she wanted to tell the woman to shut up, that she had no idea what she was talking about, but she could see the woman meant well, and Savannah didn’t want to be rude.

  “I’m sure you have a lot of good friends,” the woman said. “Call one of them. Do you have a boyfriend? I’m sure such a pretty girl has all the boys waiting in line on her doorstep.”

  That got Savannah’s eyes rolling. “You know, I’m really not in the mood to talk, actually,” she decided. “I’m really sorry, but things are more complicated than you make them out to be. Not that I’d expect you to understand.” She rose from the bench. “I should get going.”

  “I hope everything will be better soon. Try to appreciate the little things,” the woman advised.

  Savannah pulled out the closest thing to a smile that she could manage. “Will do,” she said and continued her walk. She wanted to leave the park as fast as she could.

  Her phone vibrated with a text just as she turned the corner. It was Maggie, her coworker from back when Savannah had still been able to work a real job. As she read the message, a jolt went through her, and her eyes widened. Her tongue ran over a sliver of her bottom lip as she read it once more to make sure she wasn’t imagining things, but the words remained the same:

  Perfect, I really need the cash. Count me in.

  Bethany leaned back against Amber. She picked up some foam and blew bubbles through the bathroom. Amber was sitting behind her in the tub, massaging her shoulders and peppering soft kisses along her neck.

  “How do you feel about the whole double-date thing? Honestly?” Her fingers caressed along Bethany’s wet skin. “What do you know about Savannah’s girlfriend, anyway?”

  She sighed at Amber’s touch and sank a little deeper into the tub as she attempted an honest answer. “I don’t really know anything about her.” The muscles in her jaw turned downward into a frown. “I know she’s Italian and that she introduced Savy to her family in Europe. I suppose she’s very pretty too.”

  “Don’t you think it will be weird? I mean, she’s the woman Savannah cheated with, after all. I don’t mean to sound judgemental, Bethany. Like, I don’t want you to think that this makes me uncomfortable or anything, because I’m fine with it. I just don’t want you to get hurt by bad memories.”

  Bethany entwined their hands together and kissed Amber’s fingertips. “I know. I’ve thought about it too. But she’s been my best friend, you know? My best friend since I can remember. We’ve been inseparable since we were six years old. That’s more important to me than the fact that our relationship didn’t work out, you know?”

  “I understand,” Amber said slowly. Her chin rested on Bethany’s shoulder. “And if it gets too weird, we can still leave, right?”

  “Right.” Bethany gave her girlfriend’s hand a quick squeeze.

  “Do you think she’s changed? Savannah, I mean?”

  Bethany had to think about that for a while. “Well, she seemed more…mature? I don’t know.”

  “Was she immature when you knew her?”

  “Um, sort of. It’s weird, but there’s something about the way she talks, the way she acts, that’s more…serious. She used to be very outgoing when we were younger, always having the last word, always telling people what she thought of them, even if they didn’t want to hear it. She was so energetic. She drew all the attention to herself when she entered the room. But I think she must have grown up a lot since then. When she enters the room now, she looks a lot…smaller.”

  Amber’s fingers disentangled themselves. A beat of silence passed. “And how do you feel about that?”

  It was hard to put into words what she had felt. It had been a different Savannah, though that didn’t necessarily mean anything bad. Her hair had been different too.

  “Beth, are you over her?” Amber asked so quickly that it was barely understandable. A moment later, she mumbled, “I’m sorry, I just…”

  “Honey,” Bethany whispered, “of course I’m over her. I mean, I love her, I do. But as I said, I love her as the person who’s been so important to me my whole life, not as the person I want to date. She broke my trust, but I know she’s a good person at heart, a good friend. But I want to be with you, okay?” she paused. “Just you.”

  She turned around to capture Amber’s gaze with her own, then smiled and placed a kiss on her lips.

  Amber smiled back. “Okay,” she said. “I guess I just needed to hear that.”

  “All right, repeat it again!”

  Maggie looked up at the ceiling with a loud huff.

  “My name is Loredana Valentini. I’m from Orbetello, a pretty Italian city that‘s a one-hour drive from Rome. I have an older and a younger sister, and I’m a doctor. In my free time, I like to go jogging, and I play tennis—”

  “What’s your favorite movie?”

  “Is it really that important?” Maggie’s eyes scanned the long handwritten list of details she was supposed to remember.

  “Am I paying you for this or not?” Savannah hissed back.

  “Yes, geez, chill. My favorite movie is Letters to Juliet. My favorite singer is Tina Turner.” She paused. “Do you seriously think anyone’s gonna buy that I’m Italian? Have you looked at me? I’m a redhead, for God’s sake.”

  Savannah responded with a glare that could cut diamonds. “You better make them believe it! And Italy has plenty of redheads, so I don’t want any excuses.”

  Maggie frowned as she pushed the piece of paper aside and leaned over the table’s surface, with her face close to Savannah’s. “All this trouble because you don’t want to tell your ex that you’re sick? To protect her? What are you, some kind of nut? Isn’t that all a little…exaggerated?”

  It took all Savannah’s willpower not to kick her out. She had never really liked Maggie, but she knew she had to at least try to play nice if she wanted this date to happen. Maggie was her last chance.

  “Listen to me, Ginger. Stop your smartass remarks and play along, understand? I have my reasons, and I swear, if you screw this up, if you tell her anything, I’ll kick your ass!”

  “Okay, okay. So what exactly are we doing, anyway? Are we going out for dinner? Do I have to kiss you?”

  Oh, good point. They’d have to seem intimate around each other, wouldn’t they? The thought of being all touchy with Maggie was a total turnoff. “Look, we’re gonna play miniature golf. Don’t worry. We’ll keep all the kissing and touching low level.”

  “Great.”

  “Great.” Savannah forced out a smile and stood up. She pushed the list against Maggie’s chest. “Have this memorized by tomorrow.”

  Savannah gave her a push toward the front door, glad when Maggie finally trundled out o
f the apartment with her study guide. Savannah’s eyes closed, and she let out a deep breath. Back in the kitchen, she swallowed her medication and wondered how many wrong choices she had made in her life. If she was making herself go through so much trouble to be around Bethany again, why had she left her in the first place? Why had she wasted a whole year?

  Her hands shook, and her breath was short when she pulled the blanket over her body in bed and stared at the ceiling, trying to sleep. This all made her head spin, and she felt lightheaded. But she needed sleep; she’d worry about the rest tomorrow.

  Bethany and Amber were already waiting in front of the miniature golf course when Savannah and her “date” arrived in Maggie’s rusty, old Geo Metro. Savannah’s eyes widened at the sight of Bethany and Amber standing next to each other, and she truly hated the fact that Amber looked so damn flawless. The couple hadn’t noticed them yet as they were still too busy giggling about whatever silly joke Bethany had just made.

  Her motivation for this was slowly disappearing, yet Savannah had to get through this date. She had underestimated the effect it might have on her to see Bethany with someone else, and they hadn’t even said hello to each other yet. She wanted her ex-girlfriend to be happy, but as long as Savannah was still alive, she was supposed to be her Bethany; she was not supposed to be with another woman who made her laugh and smile. This wasn’t what Savannah had wanted to put herself through.

  Bethany finally saw them. There was such a sparkle in her eyes as she waved them over. Savannah grabbed Maggie’s hand, yanking her away from her attempts to kick the Metro’s slightly deformed door closed. They walked over toward Bethany and her new girlfriend, hands entwined, and Savannah forced herself to smile, unsure whether to hug Bethany or go for a simple handshake.

  Bethany made the decision for her by wrapping her arms around Savannah’s thin body. The hug was longer than she had expected, and Savannah noticed her ex still wore the same perfume, a scent that engulfed her with memories. Their bathroom had smelled like this every morning when Savannah had entered it. Bethany was usually the first one showered, dressed, and preparing breakfast, while she had grumpily climbed out of the warm shelter of her bed.

  When she finally let go of the embrace, Bethany turned to Maggie, her smile friendly but less warm than only seconds ago.

  “Hi.” She held out her hand. “You must be Loredana. Nice to meet you.”

  “Nice to meet you too,” Maggie replied politely. “Savannah’s told me all about you. Good to finally put a face to all the stories.”

  Savannah shifted from one foot to the other as she looked at Amber, who frowned at the scene in front of her. Savannah could almost see the wheels turning in the other woman’s head, and she wondered if Amber was smarter than she had wanted to give her credit for. She hoped she was being paranoid, but part of her was sure that Amber would be able to put two and two together at some point. She was only dragged out of her thoughts when Bethany finally introduced Amber.

  “Hi, Savannah,” Amber said, in a bright yet distant tone. She bit her lip and took a few long seconds to extend her hand in greeting. “I’ve certainly heard a lot about you as well.”

  Savannah didn’t miss the message there, and she couldn’t deny that it made her angry. Who do you think you are? Bethany’s big protector? She squeezed Amber’s hand a little harder than necessary as she shook it.

  “Sooo, let’s get the clubs?” Maggie said, perhaps a little more loudly than necessary. They made their way over to the old lady sitting behind the counter. She handed them the clubs, a scorecard with a pen, and a little basket with four golf balls in different colors.

  “Here, I guess you want the blue one?” Savannah handed Bethany the small blue ball.

  Bethany plucked it from her hand and grinned. “Can I start?” she asked and was already storming over to the first mini-fairway, where they only had to play the ball around a corner to get it into the hole.

  “Sure, babe. Start,” Amber said and gave Beth a playful slap on her butt. Savannah gripped the club a little harder.

  Bethany positioned herself in front of the tee and focused on the flag at the far end.

  The other women waited patiently while Amber eyed Maggie closely with a sly side-glance. “I hope you don’t mind me saying this, Loredana, but you don’t really look Italian.”

  Savannah coughed.

  “That’s what I hear all the time,” Maggie replied. “My grandfather was Scottish, you know?” She smiled. “Damn those recessive genes.”

  Good girl, Savannah thought to herself. They’d practiced that scenario often enough.

  “Mm.” Amber raised her eyebrows. “And what kind of doctor are you?” she continued.

  Savannah stared at Maggie and could almost see her squinting with concentration. She had forgotten it, hadn’t she? Great. Of course she couldn’t rely on her to remember.

  “Oh, one for the sick people,” Maggie responded casually after a second. Bethany, who had repeatedly missed the hole, looked up from her ball and frowned. “Those are especially important,” Maggie quickly added.

  Savannah couldn’t believe her ears. She cleared her throat before bursting into fake laughter. “Ha-ha. You’re so funny, dear.”

  When Bethany’s ball finally found its way into the first hole, Savannah quickly grabbed the red one out of its basket and started playing. They were slowly making their way through the nine different fairways, each one getting a little trickier. Bethany never managed once to sink her putt in less than ten tries, though everyone chose to ignore the rules at the sight of her sad, pouty face.

  “I’m not the best putter.”

  As Bethany checked her scorecard, Savannah let her hand rest on her shoulder. “You’re doing fine,” she reassured her with a smile. “We all suck at this.”

  From the corner of her eye, she caught Amber’s glare but chose to ignore it. She was highly aware that this contest wasn’t about miniature golf anymore.

  It was Savannah’s turn again, and she could already feel the exhaustion kicking in. Miniature golf might not be the most active sport, but she wasn’t used to being on her feet for so long. Constantly having to kneel down to grab the ball and using all her strength for the more forceful strokes was more exhausting than she’d expected. Cold sweat forming on her forehead, her vision was a little blurry, and her hands were beginning to shake in an effort to try and keep the club straight. She stumbled a step backward, right into Maggie, who managed to catch her.

  “You okay?” she asked. Savannah nodded.

  “I don’t want to have to call the ambulance. You fainting was not part of the deal,” she whispered into Savannah’s ear.

  Savannah pushed her away. “I’m fine,” she hissed and tried to finish her game. She didn’t dare look at Bethany, though she could feel her eyes burning holes into her back.

  Savannah tried focusing on the red ball, but she could see two—no, three—of them, and it was hard to make out which was the real one. She tried to hit one but missed. Her breathing was getting shorter, and little black dots were dancing in front of her eyes. Heat wave after heat wave was rushing through her body, and she pushed down the need to rip off her suddenly terribly tight clothes.

  Just breathe. She wouldn’t allow herself to faint. Not in front of Bethany.

  Her legs were shaking, and her head was spinning. The voices that surrounded her suddenly sounded so far away, as if there were cotton candy in her ears.

  “I…I think I need to sit down for a moment,” she managed to say and stumbled over to the nearest bench. Bethany dropped her club and was next to her in an instant.

  “Savy, are you all right?” She patted Savannah’s back.

  “I…yeah… I guess I didn’t drink enough water. You know how easily I dehydrate.” It seemed like a plausible enough explanation.

 
; “Hon, please get Savy some water and a candy bar, ok?” Bethany said. Amber looked skeptical but quickly made her way over to the little shop.

  Maggie sat down at the other side of the bench, twirling her red locks around one finger.

  “Don’t get me wrong, but I think it’s time to call it a day.” She extended a strand of her hair and examined it idly.

  Bethany didn’t stop stroking Savannah’s back until Amber arrived with water and chocolate.

  She quickly unwrapped the Snickers bar and handed Savannah the water bottle.

  “I thought you were a doctor. Shouldn’t you help your girlfriend?” Amber asked Maggie, the judgment in her voice unmistakable. “One might think you’d know what to do in such situations.”

  Savannah was too weak to care that Maggie was useless in her role. All she wanted was to go home and lie down. With Bethany next to me, stroking my back. And my hair. And maybe kissing my forehead.

  She shook her head. She had to get rid of these thoughts, these feelings. She softly pushed Bethany’s hand away.

  “It’d be nice if you could take me home now, Lory,” she told Maggie, who shrugged and got up from the bench as she fumbled for the car keys in her pocket. When she finally found them, she held out her hand for Savannah to take and helped her off the bench.

  Savannah turned and gave Bethany an apologetic look. “I’m sorry,” she said. “But we were almost done anyway, right? And I didn’t count the points, but I suppose you would have won.”

  “Of course she would.” Maggie rolled her eyes. “It was nice meeting you both. Enjoy the rest of the day.”

  “Yeah,” Bethany hesitated. “Feel better, Savy!”

  Savannah knew she wasn’t going to feel better anytime soon. In fact, she already felt worse. She closed her eyes for a second and tried to erase the image of Bethany’s sad, concerned face. She sank down in the not-very-comfortable car seat and let her head rest against the window. What had she gotten herself into?