Hold My Hand

by AC Oswald

  Bethany was brought back to reality when Lola splashed some water in her direction, followed by the ridiculously cute sound that Bethany thought must have been actual dolphin giggles. “Okay, okay, I’m coming,” she told the animal and put her camera back into her backpack before carefully climbing back into the pool.

  “There you are,” Savannah whispered and pulled her closer. “Kiss me.”

  Bethany smiled into the kiss, enjoying Savannah’s wet skin on her own. She was delighted to have found the dolphin therapy online, and she could tell that it was really working. It allowed Savannah to get rid of her oxygen tubes for an hour or two, and they were surrounded by professionals, which made Bethany feel much safer about the whole thing.

  One of the employees helped Savannah out of the water and handed her a towel, which she wrapped around her shivering shoulders. There were goose bumps on her thin legs, and it sounded as if her teeth were chattering, but Savannah didn’t seem to mind.

  “I can’t wait for tonight,” she said, trying to suppress coughing. “It’s going to be magical, Beth-Beth.”

  Bethany smiled.

  They were going to see the July 4th fireworks on a helicopter tonight. A gift from the supervisor of Dolphin Therapy. He had also arranged for them to spend the night at the aquarium, as well as a private koala feeding for Savannah several days ago. Bethany had kept the picture of Savannah and the fluffy little bear in her wallet ever since.

  “I can’t wait either,” she said and carefully rubbed Savannah’s shoulders dry.

  It had been a warm and sunny day, and they could go out without a jacket and enjoy the soft summer breeze on their skin.

  The copilot helped them adjust their helmets, and Savannah grinned at Bethany with the bright green helmet on her head.

  “We have to take a picture now,” she said as she held her phone in front of their faces. “Smile!”

  They sent the selfie to Joan, with a short message.

  About to have a magnificent night. Helicopter. Fireworks. We miss you! Love is in the air!

  The answer came back seconds later.

  I love you girls. Enjoy! Xoxo

  Bethany grabbed Savannah’s hand and squeezed it tightly as they left the ground. The world underneath them was getting smaller, and the feeling was truly magical.

  “You okay?” Bethany yelled into her mic.

  Savannah nodded excitedly. “Look around you, Beth. This is fucking fantastic.” And it was.

  They were positioned at a safe distance when their view suddenly filled with bursts of color. The music they had picked beforehand was buzzing in their ears through their headphones.

  A wave of emotion rushed through Savannah as she looked at the colorful sparks reflecting in Bethany’s beautiful eyes. She had forgotten her pain, had forgotten the knot that usually felt so tight in her chest. Time had stopped. This was easily becoming the best night of her life.

  “I love you, Bethany Peters.”

  Bethany smiled. “I love you too, Savannah Cortez.”

  Savannah watched the rockets rising up into the air before bursting in the night’s sky and leaving a trail of stardust and awe. Then the magic burned up and simply disappeared. Some things shine brightest before leaving the world for good.

  Bethany stroked the back of Savannah’s hand with her thumb throughout the entire performance and hopped excitedly in her seat whenever an especially beautiful scenario painted the sky right before their eyes. Savannah loved the golden glitter most, the one that Bethany referred to as “unicorn poop.”

  They landed safely, and Bethany and the pilot helped Savannah get out of the helicopter. Her wheelchair was already waiting for her, and Savannah couldn’t deny that she would need a blast of fresh oxygen soon.

  “There’s one thing we need to do first, though,” Bethany said with a smile, and Savannah teared up at the sight of the two floating lanterns that one of the staff members had already prepared for them while they’d been up in the air.

  “Perfect, Beth. A perfect way to end this night.”

  Bethany nodded. “I felt it had to be tonight.” She pointed at the little piece of paper that was attached to the lanterns. “Write your wish.”

  She handed Savannah a pen. What was the chance that these wishes really came true? She knew it probably didn’t make sense to wish for a happy end, but maybe, if she played her cards right, a little faith might make anything possible.

  She looked over at Bethany who was eagerly scribbling onto her paper, her tongue sticking out in concentration. If she was honest with herself, all she had ever wished for was for Bethany to be happy.

  But tonight she had to think of herself for once. Tonight she wanted to make a wish that she had never dared to make before. She swallowed hard when the tip of the pen touched the paper.

  There were tears in her eyes when she lit the small candle inside the balloon.

  “On the count of three!” Bethany said. And three seconds later, their lanterns started floating and dancing together in the sky before slowly disappearing in the distance.

  “What did you wish for? Wait, don’t tell me, or it won’t become true,” Bethany said before grabbing Savannah’s hand.

  Savannah had to look the other way. She closed her eyes and bit her bottom lip in order to get rid of the lump in her throat.

  When she looked up again, the sky was finally dark.

  Back home, Savannah rested on the couch and was browsing through the bucket book, lost in thought. She let her index finger run along the picture of Bethany in her wedding dress before turning the page and putting some glue on the photo of herself and Lola in the dolphin tank. It had been a fantastic Fourth of July. She remembered the fireworks and helicopter ride with a huge, satisfied smile.

  Tigger was climbing up her arm and started meowing into her ear while leaving little scratch marks on her skin.

  “Ouch.” She carefully placed him on her lap. “You’re getting bigger, little tiger. Be careful with those dangerous claws!”

  The cat looked at her as if he understood before snuggling closer to her belly. He started purring softly as she stroked his back.

  “On the other hand,” she deliberated out loud, tickling Tigger’s ears, “you better keep them claws sharp. Once I’m gone, it’ll be your job to take care of Bethany, you hear me? It’ll be much easier to leave her behind knowing that a fully grown tiger is protecting her in her sleep.” When he started licking her hand, Savannah rolled her eyes. “See, that’s the kind of mean behavior I was talking about.”

  She had just written swimming with a dolphin next to one of the photos when she felt her phone vibrate. She looked at the screen. One message from Loredana read: have you talked to her yet? What does she say?

  Savannah closed her eyes. She wasn’t in the mood for this now. She didn’t think she’d ever be in the mood to have that talk.

  Not now. Talk to you tomorrow–S, she texted back before stuffing the phone underneath the blanket that was lying next to her.

  The next vibration was barely audible and much easier to ignore. She took a deep breath in order to avoid another coughing fit. She failed.

  Savannah reached for a tissue. Her lungs felt as if they were about to collapse. She held the white handkerchief in front of her face and cringed when she saw the blood.

  “You okay, baby?” she heard Bethany yell from the bathroom. The shower had stopped, and there was some steam coming out from under the door.

  “I’m fine,” she called out, still choking a little. “All good.”

  When Bethany came into the room, wrapped in her yellow bathrobe, Savannah quickly shoved the bloody tissue under the sofa. She’d throw that away later.

  “Want me to get you your green tea?” Bethany asked.

  “Why don’t you just
sit with me for a bit?” Savannah replied and patted the spot next to her on the couch. “Oh, I’m sorry, with us,” she corrected when she saw Tigger’s indignant glare.

  Bethany giggled and sat down. She didn’t need to be told twice.

  “You looking at our book again?” she asked before letting her head rest on Savannah’s shoulder.

  “Yeah.”

  “I think it’s pretty much the coolest thing we ever did together,” Bethany said proudly. “What’s been your favourite bucket point so far?”

  Savannah thought about the question for a moment before shaking her head. “It’s impossible to choose.” She went through the book from the beginning and had to smile when she saw the very first picture. “This is already one of my favourites.”

  “The motorcycle?” Bethany asked incredulously. “It was just a toy. I mean, it was supposed to be a little thing to get us started.”

  “I know. That’s what I love about it.” She took Bethany’s hand into her own and softly kissed her fingertips. “I will never forget what I felt in that moment. You were wearing this leather jacket, and you looked so incredibly sexy.” She had to laugh. “I hadn’t been around you in so long, and I had missed you so fucking much. And there you were, looking hot as hell, being so unbelievably cute about the whole situation, even though I had been a total bitch.”

  She became serious. “After all the crying, all the worrying, all this shitty loneliness, you managed to give me butterflies again. Just like that. That’s who you are, and it’s exactly why I love you so much.”

  “I had butterflies too. Even though I was terrified. It’s a strange combination,” Bethany replied.

  Savannah turned the page. “Oh my God,” she laughed. “Remember the bus?”

  “One of my favorite adventures with you.”

  “For sure,” Savannah agreed. “I can’t believe almost a year has passed since then.”

  “We finally kissed.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  They both smiled at the memory, and Savannah was convinced that this had been the best kiss of her life. The flashback hit her hard. She wished she could turn back time, relive it all again.

  It had rained, and she’d run Bethany’s wet hair through her fingertips. The excitement. The relief. The thought that anything was possible opened up to her that day. For a moment she’d believed they would conquer it all. That they could kick the cancer’s ass as long as they had each other.

  She was so—so—fucking thankful for having met Bethany again in that hair salon. So thankful for the past year. For their journey and the joy it had brought her. The light at the end of her godforsaken tunnel.

  Bethany leaned closer to kiss Savannah’s ear. It sent a shiver down her spine.

  On the next page was a picture of Joan, and it warmed Savannah’s heart a little more.

  “What a party,” Bethany murmured as she looked at the photo. “Vegas rocks!”

  “I can still see you on that dance floor. Feel you, even,” Savannah added. She wished she could dance with her wife once more. They had always loved to dance whenever and wherever possible. No one had the moves like Bethany.

  “I’m still dancing with you in my dreams.” Bethany smiled, though Savannah could see her chin shivering slightly.

  “I was so happy that you brought Joan back into my life that day. I hadn’t realized how much I missed her.”

  “And I’m glad we got those tattoos together,” Bethany said. “Something that’ll always unite us.”

  They locked their pinkies, the words written on them fading into one message that had become some sort of mantra to them. Love, forever unbroken.

  A sound from underneath the blanket interrupted them.

  “Savannah, your phone keeps vibrating. Maybe you should pick it up,” Bethany said, a slightly worried look on her face.

  “It’s only Lory, Beth.”

  “What does she want? You said she didn’t have time to come over tonight. I thought she was celebrating with her family?”

  Savannah sighed. “Bethany, I…I didn’t want to do this tonight. But we agreed to always be honest, so…” She cleared her throat and had to cough again.

  Bethany frowned. “What now, Savy? It can’t be that bad, can it? Not considering what we’re already dealing with every day.”

  Savannah bit her bottom lip. “She wants to talk about several…um…options with us.”

  “Options?” Bethany asked, a confused look on her face. “I’m not sure I know what you mean.”

  “Babe.” Savannah sighed and avoided Bethany’s eyes. “I meant stuff like, you know, stationary hospices, palliative stations, that sort of thing. A nice place with experienced staff who can help when it gets down to… They can help us make it easier.” Savannah could see Bethany swallow. Could see the tears in her eyes.

  “Don’t say it. Say no more,” Bethany whispered. “Not tonight.”

  Savannah smiled and carefully removed the oxygen tubes from her nose before dragging her in for a hug.

  “You’re right.” She kissed the damp blonde hair that she loved so much. “Not tonight. We can deal with it some other day.”

  She felt Bethany nod against her chest and knew that she wasn’t able to speak now. And that was okay. For the moment she just wanted to keep Bethany warm and safe beside her, because that was where she belonged.

  “Beth?”

  “Hm?”

  “I just wanted you to know that I’m really happy. This was a beautiful day. One of the best days of my life. And that’s because of you.”

  Bethany looked at Savannah and brushed a tear off her cheek.

  She smiled back. “Yes. It was beautiful.”

  Savannah carefully tried to drag Bethany up so they were on eye level again. She leaned closer to touch her chin with her thumb before kissing her. Bethany’s lips parted as she responded to the kiss, and their tongues met almost shyly. Every kiss with Bethany felt like a first kiss. A little hurricane in her belly. The excited tickle over her skin. Her heart thumping in her throat instead of her chest. And the thought of doing this until time ended was magical.

  Savannah let her forehead rest against Bethany’s and kept stroking her hair. She wanted to tell her, without words, that everything would be okay.

  “I’m getting really tired, Savy. And you must be exhausted.”

  “I’ll stay awake a little longer. Until you fall asleep, okay? Let’s go to bed.”

  They moved to the bedroom where Bethany took off her bathrobe and climbed under the sheets. Savannah quickly followed her. When Bethany turned around to find her typical sleeping position, Savannah came closer to spoon her tightly.

  “Hold my hand?” Bethany asked.

  Savannah smiled and had their fingers entwined in front of Bethany’s belly in an instant. The most comforting feeling in the world.

  “Sleep now, baby. I’ll watch over you,” Savannah whispered.

  She kissed her hair until Bethany finally closed her eyes and let out a deep and content sigh.

  “You know I always will.” Savannah waited until she heard Beth’s soft little snore. She watched her sleep for what felt like an eternity. Then she grabbed her phone and left the room.

  When Bethany opened her eyes again, it was already bright outside. She felt Savannah lying next to her and immediately turned around to wake her. It was a Sunday, and she would prepare breakfast for them. Maybe they could stop by the lake again later. Maybe they could call Joan.

  Savannah looked content, but something was different. Usually Savannah would hide her face as soon as the room turned bright. Sometimes she even put on her sleeping mask so no annoying ray of sunlight could interrupt her much valued sleep.

  “Savy?” Bethany whispered. “Savy, please wake up.”

>   Bethany’s heart stopped.

  No.

  “Savannah!” she screamed, grabbing her hand. But it was cold. It was too fucking cold. “No. No, no, no, no, no…please, no.” The last no was no more than a tortured whisper.

  What now? What to do? Who to call? Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, goddammit, fuck!

  Bethany frantically searched for her phone. Her hands were shaking, and her legs turned to pudding. Gotta call Lory. Gotta call 911. Gotta call someone. Anyone. Please.

  When she finally found her phone, she nervously pressed the home button and saw a message on her screen. A message from Savannah.

  She opened it as fast as she could. Her whole body was shaking, and the tears were making it hard to read.

  Baby, please don’t cry. Don’t call anyone. Not yet. We both knew that it had to happen. And I wanted it this way. I wanted to be with you. Please watch the video—I love you more than anything.

  It was so surreal. Sobs were shaking through her like hiccups. Yet, Bethany somehow managed to open the video that was attached to the message. Savannah smiled at her from the screen, and it felt like a knife in her chest. She had to force herself to listen as Savannah spoke to the camera.

  “Hey.” Savannah smiled, so unsure and insecure. “You are watching this message. That means it all worked out and…and we’re finally free. I—I don’t even know how to begin to tell you how unbelievably sorry I am. So sorry for what you have to face now. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must feel like, being in your position.” She looked away for a moment, gathering her thoughts.

  “Bethany.” Her gaze was back and level. “You always told me that you thought I was brave—but what does being brave even mean? It’s not the absence of fear, it’s facing your fears, right? It means being scared but still trying to go on and live your life to the fullest. And yeah, that’s what we did. It’s what we did together, Beth. You were the one who helped me face those fears. You’re the reason why I didn’t give up, why the worst year of my life also became the best year of my life. And you know what? I’m finally not scared anymore.”