Hurricane Days

by Renée J. Lukas

  “Apologize?” Robin was dumbfounded. “For blackmailing me? I’m sure you’ve already sold that video, haven’t you?”

  Adrienne pushed her hair over one ear, revealing a tiny diamond at the top. She lowered her eyes. “There’s no video.” She held up her phone. “It’s a new model. It’s so complicated, I don’t even know how to text on it yet.”

  “You were bluffing?” Robin’s mouth fell open in disbelief. “My career is on the line, and you’re playing some childish game?”

  “I wanted to shake you up a little,” Adrienne said. “Get you to think about who you were, what you’re doing.” Adrienne shifted in her boots, apparently trying to think of what she wanted to say. This was a very different woman from the demon in the black dress.

  Robin’s eyes narrowed to black lines of mascara, cold and venomous. She was not going to leave herself vulnerable to this woman again. Her posture was confrontational, with arms folded tightly across her chest. “What do you want, Adrienne?”

  “I heard you were doing a big press conference, and I wanted to stop you if it had anything to do with—”

  “Why did you come to the rally?” Robin interrupted. “Why did you want to see me last night?”

  “I had something I wanted to say to you,” Adrienne replied. She didn’t make eye contact. “But then you got up on your fucking high horse…you were so cruel…I wanted to make you suffer.”

  “You’ve already achieved that. Every time you show up in my life.” Robin retreated behind her desk, her voice thin and tired. “Why should I believe you won’t go on national TV and reveal my secrets to the entire country?”

  “Because I love you.” Adrienne blurted it out, then shrugged it off, as if it were an affliction beyond her control. She was surprisingly resigned and calm about it. “I love you,” she repeated softly, meeting her eyes just once before turning to leave. “I always have.” She glanced around awkwardly; there was no more to say. “I have to go check out of my hotel. It was…good to see you again.” The revelation was bittersweet, but she seemed earnest as she closed the door behind her.

  When she was gone, Robin fell into her chair, stunned and spiraling down fast with no soft place to fall.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  When I came back to the room that night, Adrienne was wide awake and worried looking. I didn’t realize how long I’d been at Carol’s. It was close to two in the morning.

  “Where were you?” Adrienne asked in a panicky voice.

  “I went out.” I fell upon the bed, exhausted from the night’s discussion.

  “I thought something happened to you. Don’t you know, this is prime rape and murder time?” She sounded like me.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you.” I kind of liked that she was worried.

  “Well, you did. There are a lot of sick people out there. I should know. I went to high school with most of them.” She sat on her bed and stared at me. I was too tired to feel uncomfortable. “I wanted to apologize.”

  I waved my hand. “Forget it.”

  “No, I mean it.”

  “You asked me to tell you the truth,” I said. “So I did, and you didn’t like what you heard. It’s okay. I probably wouldn’t want to know what you really thought either.” I lowered my eyes, hoping she wouldn’t tell me.

  “I shouldn’t have gone off like that. Becky is an idiot.”

  I shook my head. “I’ve been thinking. We don’t have to be friends. You just have your life and I’ll have mine.” I was oddly resigned; I think it worried her.

  “Whaddaya mean? I said I was sorry.”

  “I know. It’s not that.”

  I could tell that Adrienne was confused. She was squinting, straining to understand. “Well, what is it then?”

  “Nothing. I just don’t think…we need to hang around so much. You know, having lunch…”

  Adrienne came over to sit beside me on the bed. “I’d rather hang out with you than my party friends.”

  My heart thumped wildly inside my chest. She was the devil on my shoulder—drawing me closer and at the same time stabbing me with a pitchfork. Only she didn’t seem to realize it.

  “Party with me this weekend. Please?” Adrienne’s plea was impossible to ignore. I knew I’d eventually say yes.

  * * *

  The next Saturday night, in Sean’s dark on-campus apartment, everyone swarmed like moths to the blue stereo light. Sean slapped the back of his scrawny friend, Boyd Matthews, who resembled any member of a heavy metal band. His big hair looked like he’d plugged himself into a light socket.

  “This is Boyd,” Adrienne said. “Boyd, Robin.”

  I chose to wear a simple, short-sleeved white knit top. It fit a little too snugly over my breasts, but I was running out of short-sleeve shirts to wear. It also helped that Adrienne had told me it looked good on me. Right now I was regretting my decision to wear it, because Boyd’s gaze lingered on my chest as if I were a centerfold. I crossed my arms to block his view. Gazius interruptus.

  “Hello,” I said politely, glaring at Adrienne. “Can I have a word with you?”

  She smiled a giddy smile. “Am I in trouble?” To Boyd she added, “It’ll be the third time this week.”

  She followed me outside, where we argued like a couple of Rottweilers.

  “Are you out of your mind?” I yelped.

  “What? He’s just someone to hang out with tonight.”

  “He’s looking at me like I’m a steak.”

  “Have some fun. You never know what might happen.” Then she held up her hands. “I know he doesn’t seem like your type. But you never know.”

  I exhaled dramatically. “What could we possibly have in common?”

  “You’ve got to stop closing yourself off from people. Look at us. We have more in common than you thought.” She grabbed my shoulders. “Listen to me, if something happens, great. If not, let yourself have a good time. No big deal.”

  “You ever notice how something bad always happens after someone says ‘no big deal’?”

  Adrienne smiled with an arm around my shoulder. “Think of him as fun.”

  “Is that how you think of people?” I regretted the question as soon as I asked it, because I wasn’t sure I really wanted to know.

  Adrienne paused, considering her answer. “Not exactly.” She seemed momentarily awkward, which was strange for her. “It depends. Some guys are just for fun. You can always tell who the serious ones are.”

  She escorted me back inside, to the hazy den of wolves, where Boyd thrust a can of beer into my hands. I took it apprehensively.

  “Go on,” Adrienne said. “It doesn’t bite.”

  “You never had a drink?” Sean smirked to his buddies. This was the most interest Sean had shown in me. He seemed to enjoy me as an object of ridicule. For a guy like him, it was always those intellectual girls who were the most fun to take down a few pegs. I could see it all over his not-completely-shaven face.

  I wrinkled my nose, slowly bringing the can to my lips. “I’ve never had beer.”

  Adrienne turned to Sean and said, almost proudly, “She’s like Sandra Dee.”

  “Shut up,” I squealed, taking my first sip. “Ugh.” I swallowed loudly and scrunched up my face like a raisin.

  Adrienne laughed. “You don’t like it.”

  “Fizzy…yak pee.”

  Adrienne laughed harder, turning to Sean. “She’s very dramatic.”

  Sean was already bored. “Could we?” His heavy-lidded eyes indicated that he was either sleepy, stoned or looking for something more than another drink.

  But my next sip seemed to hold Adrienne’s interest more. She watched me with sparkling, laughing eyes.

  Boyd leaned against me, grinning. “A few more and you won’t taste a thing,” he said.

  “Now there’s a goal.” I didn’t try to hide my sarcasm. It kept me feeling safe in the midst of my fear. I held up the can in a mock toast, to the sounds of cheers all around. I pinched my
nose and gulped it down.

  When I allowed myself to surrender my cognitive abilities, I felt good. Thinking was overrated anyway. Adrienne was right. I thought about everything too much. I breathed in the smoke like perfume and swallowed the beer until it started to taste not quite as disgusting. After a little while longer, all of my anger and frustration cracked through the walls, released in the screaming guitars of the Scorpions, as long as I didn’t listen too closely to the lyrics. The appeal of it all was now clear—to let go of fear and get in touch with your inner badass. Now I was the femme fatale, until I took a puff of Adrienne’s cigarette and coughed my lungs raw. Not pretty for a femme fatale. I’d never once seen Bette Davis choke on her cigarette.

  Beer cans piled up, as well as ashes in the ashtrays, and the fog engulfing the apartment got so thick, you would’ve thought we were in a sauna. Through the clouds of smoke, I overheard parts of conversations—Nancy telling Becky how cute some guy was. I figured if I kept drinking alongside everyone, I wouldn’t feel so different.

  The song on the radio changed to my favorite slow ballad, “Alone Again.” Pairs of feet moved slowly on the carpet. It was too dark to tell if anyone was really dancing.

  Boyd guided me to where others were dancing in the living room. I pretended to be interested in what he was saying, all the while watching Adrienne, who was sitting and smoking beside Sean. As Sean inched closer to kiss her, Adrienne turned her head, tapping ashes off into an empty can, looking up at me. The way her eyes met mine, I couldn’t tell if it was the fog in the room or my foggy head, but she seemed to be gazing at me the way Boyd was. Maybe it was what I wanted to believe. Adrienne’s black, button-down shirt opened at the top as she bent down, revealing the skin of her upper chest and neck, which I imagined had to be so soft…

  So I danced. And danced. I thought I might be a regular at these parties, it was so much fun—as long as she was there. While Boyd and I danced, I looked over his shoulder. Again I caught Adrienne watching us. Adrienne arched back, letting Sean kiss her throat. Everything was wrong. The world was going in reverse. Upside down. Biology was wrong. Penises and vaginas, birds and bees. Nothing made sense in my drunken mind. Was the earth really round? Was it the beer talking? After a few beers, I’d begun to feel like a famous philosopher. With each drink, I was getting closer to solving the mysteries of the universe.

  It was then when I clasped my arms around Boyd’s neck tightly and kissed him hard in front of Adrienne. When I came up for air, I saw that she was watching. Mission accomplished. I smiled to myself with satisfaction. Bette Davis would have been pleased. To any normal bystander, it was all very absurd, but my reality had long passed absurd in this world of swirling smoke and the fizzy swill I kept pouring down my throat and pretending to enjoy.

  When it was time to go, Adrienne assured me that we were close enough to the dorm to walk. So of course it took us forever to get back, but I didn’t really notice. We kept hanging on to each other all the way back, though we weren’t sure why, except that neither of us could stand on our own. I liked that I could be this close to her and it was okay. In this twisted reality, it made sense for us to be tangled up, two pretzels in denim shorts, with our arms wrapped around each other. Neither of us could balance, so we kept laughing about it. For someone who had never done a daring thing in her life besides adding pickles to the potato salad at the church picnic or sneaking out to shoot pool with my brother, this was the most fun I’d ever had.

  We stumbled into our room, still laughing. I headed straight for my bed, falling backward onto the mattress, which was thinner than a potato chip, with one arm behind my head. Adrienne turned away from the closed door, looked at me and said, “You’ll never fuck him.”

  “What?” I raised up unsteadily on my elbows.

  “I said, you’ll never fuck him.” She had a predatory stare as she walked slowly toward me.

  I lay back down. “You don’t know what I would or wouldn’t do.” How dare she think she knew…oh, who was I kidding?

  She moved closer, a shadow in the darkness, then her face was suddenly, strangely close, her lips just above mine. The next thing I knew, our lips were touching. It was so soft, and so alarming. I felt her lie all the way down on my bed, her deliberate movements exciting me, as I anticipated what she was going to do. I closed my eyes and felt her lips touch mine again, moving slowly, sending shock waves through my body. I couldn’t believe she was doing this. She raised up, looking amused, as if she could tell how much I wanted her. The truth was, I’d always known it would feel this way. And I wanted it all, whatever it was, something I dare not allow myself to imagine, not even in my daydreams. My breathing suspended, I felt her cheek brush against mine. I could feel her warm breath, the heat of her body so close. Like something I’d always known would happen yet so surprising at the same time, this night would change my life. Nothing I’d ever experienced before could compare to this. She was finally here, not across the room, the temptation I couldn’t touch. She was inviting me to touch her, and I was too excited to be scared, even though I was. Running her hand through my hair, she gazed at me, an unmistakable look, her mouth parting a little before she kissed me again. Both of us were feeling brave, uninhibited, as each kiss was deeper than the last. Her lips were so soft and melting, and her soft face—it was nothing like Marc’s scratchy stubble. With boys, everything seemed aggressive and forced. When Adrienne’s kisses grew more urgent, even possessive, it only excited me more. I was beginning to understand the difference and what that difference meant. Adrienne unbuttoned the black shirt that I had been eyeing all night, and she lowered herself onto my body. The room was quiet, with only the creak of the bed…

  Kisses like melting butter along my neck startled me with their intimacy. I held her face in my hands and kissed her mouth again. “You know what I want?” she whispered.

  I shook my head. I laughed as she threw off a couple of stuffed animals, clumsily breaking up the moment. Then we stopped laughing.

  She lifted my shirt over my head, and my mind was cleared of all thought as her hands glided along my bare shoulders. I could sense her excitement, as though she’d been wanting to do this for a while, her fingers so slowly tracing along my chest, my collarbone. Then she kissed my neck. I leaned back, still a little dizzy from the alcohol, but amazingly alert now that this was finally happening.

  After undoing zippers and buttons, she moved her nude body sensuously over mine, both of us savoring the softness and tingling heat of our skin. I closed my eyes, smiling to myself in the dark. I held her tightly to me, with my legs wrapped around her torso. I wanted to feel her all over and never let go.

  Her hand moved lower, reaching between my thighs, her fingers opening me. I stirred anxiously as her face moved down, tracing silent kisses along my hips, my thighs.

  “How do you know what to do?” I whispered.

  “I don’t know.” Her voice was quiet. I could almost hear her smile in the dark.

  As she glided her lips and tongue along the warm, secret place we both knew, I spread myself further open, offering myself to her. I surrendered to the pleasure, and terror. I lost control and welcomed the chaos, moaning from deep in my throat. I made sounds I didn’t even recognize.

  My senses scattered like fragments of exploding light. I was aware of Adrienne’s beautiful smile in a foggy haze, her naked, muscular thighs and silky bronze skin that I had longed to touch from the first moment I saw her.

  She held me quietly in the darkness, the two of us wrapped in a swirling, cotton sheet, my heart still pounding from a few moments before. It wouldn’t be long before I was the one on top, gazing at her, ready to return the favor. My inexperienced hands glided down her body, instinctively knowing where they wanted to go. Then she guided me down between her legs. I felt mostly terror, knowing that this was taboo. But my body moved without thinking, and next thing I knew, she was making sounds I’d never heard her make before. I watched her neck arch back, her eyes closed, her cl
enched hands tearing the sheet off the mattress. The power of her release was so great I felt it with her, and I held her trembling body tightly, stroking her hair. I would never forget this night and what it meant to me. Somehow, though, in the midst of the intimacy we had shared, I felt only momentarily safe in her arms.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  I awoke to harsh, morning light that scolded me for last night’s fall from grace. It wasn’t a dream. Adrienne was still there beside me. I stared in awe at her bare back, with the sheet curling provocatively below her waist, the curve of her hip so delicate like the statue of a goddess, but somehow more perfect.

  Then I thought about the pastor back in Atlanta, Reverend Butler, how he’d told me to repent just for saying “shit” when my brother tracked cow manure onto my bedroom carpet. For this, he’d surely damn me to hell. Did anyone ever admit to something like this? I wondered. Touching Adrienne’s flowing caramel hair on the pillow, I decided it was none of Reverend Butler’s business.

  Such a sensuous, forbidden encounter—I lay still, intoxicated by the memory and wondering if the person next to me felt the same. I almost didn’t breathe. Now I knew for sure there was a heaven, or at least a really perfect hell.

  She stirred under the covers. She was waking up. I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. I lay stiffly, awaiting the next touch, the next caress, wondering what her smile would look like in morning light so close to me, wondering how she would look at me now that we had this intimate knowledge of each other. But she threw off the sheet abruptly, rose from the bed, grabbed something from her closet and left the room.

  Minutes later when she returned, I saw that she’d taken a shower. She dried her damp hair with a towel, and was already dressed. She then grabbed a trash bag and began sliding empty cigarette packs into it, when she saw that I was awake. “You’re still in bed?” Her question felt more like an accusation.

  I stared at her, expressionless. “Yeah. I was just thinking about last night.”