When All Is Said and Prayed

by E. N. Joy

  Mr. Vanderdale cleared his throat. Blake looked up at him, and Mr. Vanderdale encouraged his pro bono patient to continue.

  “I kept secrets from you,” Blake said. “I betrayed you with your best friend. I neglected you as my wife in my desire to be a successful businessman and earn boatloads of money. I needed to hide behind work and success, otherwise you would know I was a broken soul.” He shook his head. “I’d been in this dark place for most of my life. But I can honestly say that when I met you, the light you shine, it brought me out of the darkness. So I used you. I used you for your smile. I used you for your happiness and peace. I tried to steal your light, instead of finding my own way to shine. Your light was yours. It wasn’t enough for both of us. So I sucked all the light out of you, and I’m sorry.” Blake’s bottom lip began to tremble.

  “That’s where you’re wrong,” Paige said. “You didn’t suck all the light out of me. I had plenty. As long as I had Jesus, I had plenty of light. But I chose to stay in the dark. I chose to hold on to all the bad things you’d done to me as an excuse to just walk through life mad at the world. Blaming everybody else, including God Himself.”

  “And I’m sorry for all those things I did to assist in putting you in that mind-set. The abuse . . .” He swallowed hard, then gathered the courage to go on. “The rape . . . accusing you of being unfaithful, when I knew that was not who you were. That was just me taking out the anger I had toward my mother on you.” He looked at Miss Nettie. “Or at least the woman who I thought was my mother at the time.” He turned his attention back to his ex-wife. “I thought you were going to pack up and leave, like she’d done.”

  “I was team Blake,” Paige said. “I honestly was. I truly loved you. Even after the abuse started, I couldn’t just turn off my feelings for you. I wanted to fix whatever was wrong. I wanted to fix you.”

  “And that was never going to happen,” Blake said. “I needed to want to be fixed. But once I found myself back in that dark place, I rested in it. It was my comfort zone, so I made a choice to stay there. My excuse was that it was justified. All my actions were justified, so I could see no wrong in them. Even while I was rotting away in jail, I was still angry. Then, when I found out I was HIV positive, I got even angrier.”

  “Did you think I’d given it to you?” Paige asked.

  Blake shook his head. “No, no. Like I said, I knew you would never have been unfaithful to me. Again, me accusing you of having an affair was just me trying to hurt you because I was hurting. And you know the saying. Hurt people hurt people. I was the epitome of that. Unfortunately for you, you were the only one around for me to take it all out on, so I hurt you. And I kept hurting you when I tried to take Adele from you. I knew I was wrong, which was why I didn’t even show up at the meeting between our attorneys. I couldn’t show my pitiful face, and I couldn’t look at your face, for fear I’d cower and drop everything.”

  Blake chuckled and shook his head. “But you and that attorney of yours put up a heck of a fight. When my attorney came back to me with the results of the meeting, I just threw in the towel. It was over. The battle, the war. My life. After all, I had been diagnosed HIV positive. It was a death sentence to me. What was I going to do? Take that little girl from you so she could watch me die? I had nothing to live for. How I saw it, my life was this miserable existence. I was going to die. What did I need money for, or anything else, for that matter? I’d never have another relationship again, because what woman is going to get with a guy who is HIV positive? So after turning over everything I owned to Adele’s trust fund, I crawled up under a bridge to die, literally.”

  Blake swallowed and then continued. “There’s this outreach ministry that comes and feeds and ministers to the homeless. They are always talking about how much Jesus loves us, about forgiveness and all that stuff. Some of the things you used to talk about.” Blake cracked a smile at Paige. “Reminded me of you. More importantly, it reminded me of all I’d done to you. So before I die, I need you to forgive me, Paige. Please. Will you forgive me? I need to hear you say the words.” Blake’s eyes became moist. “I can hardly live with myself, knowing what I’ve done to you, how I jeopardized your life, and how I never even got the chance to apologize. And I don’t want to die without your forgiveness. I need to go in peace.”

  Paige took in all Blake’s words before she spoke. “It’s not my forgiveness you need to take to your grave, Blake. It’s Jesus’s.” She stared into Blake’s eyes. “I know when we were married, you never got saved or baptized or anything. Did you while you were locked up?”

  Blake shook his head. “My soul is dirty. I’m jacked up. I was a felon in jail for beating and raping my wife. God don’t want that nasty soul.”

  “Blake, was I that bad of an example of a Christian that you didn’t know that’s exactly how God wants you to come to Him?”

  “But you were so perfect,” Blake said. “You never hurt me, or anyone else, for that matter.”

  “No, sir,” Paige was quick to say. “Only Jesus was perfect, and that was the Jesus in me that you saw. But the fleshly Paige, the one made from dirt, she got cleaned up by the blood of Jesus. And I’m sorry that I never made that plain. But will you allow me to make it up to you now?”

  Blake looked somewhat confused.

  “Will you allow me to go to the throne with you and seek true forgiveness?”

  “I . . . I don’t know. . . .” Blake began. He was very apprehensive. In all his years in jail, so many folks had tried to convert him to so many different religions and theologies. He’d become BFFs with the majority of his own demons. He couldn’t dare betray them and forsake them. The one sure thing about his demons was that he knew they would always be there for him when he needed them. He couldn’t say the same for God, because he’d never taken a chance on giving himself completely to God. He’d heard Christians warn that once you turned your life completely over to God, that was when the real hell began. So, he figured, why bother? As long as the devil already had him, demons wouldn’t bother him.

  “Paige, my life is pretty much over,” Blake told her. “I live on the streets. I’m a homeless, HIV positive man with practically no health care besides whatever I receive at the free clinic when I decide to go. It’s too late for all that religious and spiritual stuff now.”

  “But it’s never too late for Jesus,” Paige told him. She took a step toward Blake. “You saw what life with the devil on earth was like. Can you imagine what it will be like once he gets you on his own turf? Here, in this life, you’re in control. You have a choice. But, Blake, when you close your eyes for the last time and take that final breath, it’s judgment day. I know I don’t have a heaven or hell to put you in. I have no idea what kind of covenant your soul can and will make with God, regardless of whether you’re saved or not. But do you really want to take that chance? Do you really want to take the chance of death, which is eternal, being a hundred times worse?”

  Blake thought for a moment and then shook his head.

  “Then however many days you have here on earth, why not just give them to God? The one who will never leave you and will never forsake you? The one who will never cheat you or cheat on you, because He’s, oh, so faithful?”

  “Yes, Lord.” Miss Nettie raised her holy hands.

  Paige continued stepping toward Blake. “Why not just say yes and watch what He can do?” Paige raised her hands and spread them wide. “Look what He’s already done. Do you think anybody but God could have orchestrated this?” She looked at Miss Nettie. “Brought you to your biological mother, the place where true healing begins. Because that’s what you want, right?” Paige asked Blake. “You want to be healed, right?” Paige’s voice got louder and more commanding, the closer she got to Blake. “You want that pain to go away, don’t you? You want to send those demons that have been tormenting you back to the pit of hell, where they belong, don’t you?”

  Blake began to nod his head as a tear fell from his eye.

  “God can
do that for you,” Paige told Blake. “The blood of Jesus has already done that for you,” she shouted.

  “Yes, glory!” an emotional Miss Nettie shouted.

  Mrs. Vanderdale was becoming emotional. Noticing this, Mr. Vanderdale went and wrapped his arms around his wife.

  “You’ve heard your mother’s testimony, right?” Paige asked, pointing at Miss Nettie but looking at Blake.

  Again, Blake nodded. Again, a tear fell.

  “So she told you what God did for her. So if He did it for her, why would He not do it for you?”

  “He’ll do it for you, baby,” Miss Nettie cried. “He’ll do it. He’s a healer,” she declared.

  “Now I ask you, do you want it?” Paige said to Blake, now back to her normal tone. She was more comforting and consoling now.

  “Yes, I want it. Dear God, I want to be healed.” Blake broke down in tears.

  Paige took his hands in hers and led him into the prayer of salvation. Afterward, the room was full of rejoicing. Miss Nettie threw her hands around her son and was praying for him in tongues, as well as thanking God for healing, redemption, and deliverance.

  “And to answer your question, Blake,” Paige said as she watched mother and son embrace, “Yes, I will. I forgive you.”

  Blake broke down even more. Miss Nettie clapped her hands and did a two-step.

  The moment felt surreal to Paige. She had truly never imagined the day where she would not only stand face-to-face in the same room with her ex, but would also pray for the man and lead him to salvation. God really did have jokes. Paige herself had to laugh at that one.

  After a small chuckle escaped her mouth, and as Miss Nettie and Blake finally parted, Paige addressed Blake. “Welcome to the kingdom,” she said. “Now, I just have one more question for you. Would you like to meet your daughter?”

  Chapter 25

  “Bye, Mr. Blake,” Adele said as she wrapped her arms around Blake’s neck. “Thanks for the dolly.”

  “And thanks for my dolly too,” Norma added.

  “You both are so welcome,” Blake said, smiling, as he stood in the doorway of the Vanderdales’ home. He’d been in the Vanderdales’ home the past couple of hours, getting to know both Adele and Norma. He was now about to leave.

  A week had passed since Blake had received Paige’s forgiveness. When Paige had asked him if he wanted to meet Adele, he had absolutely agreed to. He had one stipulation, though: that Paige not tell the little girl that he was her father. He had his reasons, which he’d shared with Paige.

  One was that he just wanted to get to know the child, with no burden to carry. By that he explained that he could not present himself to that little girl as her father in his current situation of being homeless. That was not the kind of father he had ever imagined being; therefore, it wasn’t the kind of father he wanted to be to her. Secondly, he was still finding himself. He was saved but still broken. His brokenness could not be fixed overnight. Maybe not even over the course of a year. He had a lot of work to do. But he now had hope. He had faith. He had a reason to live, if for nothing else, for his daughter.

  Mr. Vanderdale was helping Blake do the work on himself with therapy. Blake had attended church with his mother as well, and her pastor had agreed to minister to Blake. Blake was both grateful and confident that when he presented himself to his child as her biological father, it would be as a whole man.

  Lastly, he was aware that Norman had signed Adele’s birth certificate and that the little girl believed he was her father and the Vanderdales were her grandparents. Ryan did not want to confuse things even more by having to explain that it was Miss Nettie, who, in fact, was her biological grandmother. It all just seemed like too much for a small child to bear. Paige agreed, recalling one point in her life when it had been even too much for her, as a grown woman, to bear. They decided that everything would be done in due time. But for now, they’d just start with a simple introduction, and Paige apologizing for calling Blake a monster.

  The Vanderdales’ home seemed to be a safe haven for everything to go down. So they’d all met up there. Paige had come over after the girls had gotten out of school.

  “Are you sure you can’t stay for dinner?” Mrs. Vanderdale asked Blake. “You know your mother’s cooking is out of this world.”

  “I know. But unfortunately, I can’t stay,” Blake replied. “I have to be at the shelter by six to keep my bed.”

  “A shelter?” Adele asked. “You live in a shelter? The park Mommy takes me and Norma to sometimes has a shelter. We barbecued under it once. I bet it’s real fun camping out there at your shelter.” Adele looked at Paige. “Mommy, can we please, pretty please, stay at the shelter too?” she begged, her hands clasped together. “We can roast marshmallows and stuff.”

  Norma followed suit. “Sleeping bag!” she cheered.

  All the adults in the room—namely, Paige, Blake, Mrs. Vanderdale, and Stuart—laughed. Miss Nettie had gone off to the kitchen to prepare dinner.

  “It’s not that kind of shelter,” Paige told her girls. “It’s a building. It has four walls. They call it a shelter because it’s just that. It’s not a permanent place to live, but just a temporary place that provides a covering . . . provides shelter.”

  Adele frowned and then looked at Blake. “So where are you going to live forever?”

  In order to take some of the pressure off of Blake, Stuart chimed in. “He’s actually going to live with me.” Stuart put his arm around Blake. His car keys were in his hand, as he was the one who was going to drive Blake to the shelter. “I’m moving into a new place next month, and Blake here is going to move in with me. Blake and my new wife.” Miss Nettie and Stuart had already applied for their license to marry.

  Adele wore a huge smile. “Mommy, you were right!” she said to Paige. “Miss Nettie is going to be Mr. Stuart’s wife.” She turned back to Stuart. “You’re going to be the daddy.” She pointed at Stuart. “Miss Nettie is going to be the mommy.” She then pointed at Blake as she said, “And you are the little boy who is going to live with them.”

  All the adults laughed again.

  “Well, I’m not quite the little boy anymore,” Blake said, “but something like that.”

  “Mr. Ryan has two little boys. Soon he’s going to be the daddy in our house.”

  Norma nodded to confirm what her older sister had said.

  There was a bit of awkward silence in the room.

  Paige wasn’t sure how Blake was processing all this. Norman had already claimed Daddy duty when he signed Adele’s birth certificate. That had been tough enough for Blake to deal with while he’d been incarcerated. Now he had to stand there and listen to how, once again, another man was going to be taking over Daddy duty.

  Blake bent down to Adele’s level. “This Ryan, is he a nice man?”

  “Yes,” both Adele and Norma said in unison.

  “Then I bet he’ll make a great daddy.” He pinched both girls’ cheeks.

  Paige let out a silent sigh of relief. Everything appeared to be going smoothly. She didn’t want anything to trigger something negative. Taking this thing step-by-step and one day at a time was a great idea. She truly felt in her spirit that it was the right thing to do. Even more so, she was glad that she and Blake were on the same page. At least for now. But Paige was no dummy. The man might have now been saved, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t going to use her wisdom and sleep with one eye open.

  “So how did everything go?” Ryan asked Paige through the phone receiver.

  Paige had gotten the girls to bed. She was sitting on her own bed, taking off her shoes and socks. Her plans were to shower and go to bed. But she had wanted to give Ryan a call before it got too late.

  “It actually went very well. The girls were nice and pleasant.”

  “Of course they were. That’s how you raised them to be.”

  “Well, I must admit I was a little nervous. I was just waiting for Adele to mention me calling him a monster.”

&
nbsp; Ryan chuckled. “Oh, yeah, that.”

  “I had a talk with her about how I shouldn’t have called him a bad name. So clearly, it must have worked.”

  “Good.”

  There was silence.

  “What?” Paige said.

  “Nothing, I was just thinking,” Ryan answered.

  “About what?”

  “About how frickin’ amazing you are. That and about how your story is turning out.”

  Paige smiled and thought about how, despite all she’d been through with Blake, she had been able to forgive him, to be peaceful, and to afford him the right to meet his daughter. She was darn proud of her own self, if she didn’t say so herself. “Yeah, I am pretty frickin’ amazing, aren’t I?” She laughed. “Not more amazing than God, though. After all, He is the author of my life. And it is all turning out well.”

  Paige thought back to the past few years and shook her head. “The glory truly does outweigh the suffering. I may have had two marriages that ended tragically, but I know for sure that this third time will be the charm. I have no fears. Baby, I’m more confident than ever. And I just thank you for being obedient and for having the patience to allow me to get myself together. Because, like Blake, I was truly broken, and I felt worthless and wanted to give up. I needed to be saved. I couldn’t put that on you. You shouldn’t have to save a person in order to love them. No, I needed to come to you ready to love and loving myself. So that I can love you that much more.”

  “Well, woman, I’m ready to be loved by you like never before. So what are we waiting for? Let’s do it.”

  Paige got a little choked up and couldn’t speak.

  “What’s wrong? Your throat dry from all that talking you were doing just a minute ago?”