Copyright
Bungo Stray Dogs, Volume 3
KAFKA ASAGIRI
Translation by Matt Rutsohn
Cover art by Sango Harukawa
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.
BUNGO STRAY DOGS Vol. 3 TANTEISHA SETSURITSU HIWA
©Kafka Asagiri 2015 ©Sango Harukawa 2015
First published in JAPAN in 2015 by KADOKAWA CORPORATION, Tokyo.
English translation rights arranged with KADOKAWA CORPORATION, Tokyo through TUTTLE-MORI AGENCY, INC., Tokyo.
English translation © 2020 by Yen Press, LLC
Yen Press, LLC supports the right to free expression and the value of copyright. The purpose of copyright is to encourage writers and artists to produce the creative works that enrich our culture.
The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book without permission is a theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like permission to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), please contact the publisher. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Asagiri, Kafka, author. | Harukawa, Sango, illustrator. | Rutsohn, Matt, translator.
Title: Osamu Dazai’s entrance exam / Kafka Asagiri ; illustration by Sango Harukawa ; translation by Matt Rutsohn.
Other titles: Dazai Osamu no nyåusha shiken. English
Description: First Yen On edition. | New York, NY : Yen On, 2019. | Series: Bungo stray dogs ; Volume 3
Identifiers: LCCN 2019005328 | ISBN 9781975303228 (v. 1 : pbk.) | ISBN 9781975303242 (v. 2 : pbk.) | ISBN 9781975303266 (v. 3 : pbk.)
Classification: LCC PL867.5.S234 D3913 2019 | DDC 895.63/6—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019005328
ISBNs: 978-1-9753-0326-6 (paperback)
978-1-9753-0327-3 (ebook)
E3-20200129-JV-NF-ORI
A DAY AT THE DETECTIVE AGENCY
“Kunikida, how did the Armed Detective Agency get started anyway?”
Sitting at a café, Junichiro Tanizaki curiously tilted his head. The tall man sitting on the other side of the table furrowed his already wrinkled brows, then replied with the utmost seriousness, “You don’t even know that?”
“No, I don’t… Sorry.”
It was night. Two men sat facing each other at a narrow-seated table at the back of a café. Resting on the table between them were sesame dango and houjicha—roasted green tea—for two. Both men were stern-faced. A stranger would instinctively do a double take at the curious scene, but these two were agents at the Armed Detective Agency in the middle of a late-night meeting. This vaguely old-fashioned teahouse was Café Uzumaki, located on the first floor of the same building the Armed Detective Agency worked out of.
“I work here, and I still don’t even know how it got started. Do you, Kunikida?”
“Of course I do.” Doppo Kunikida nodded, seated across from Tanizaki.
“I knew you would,” Tanizaki said with a smile.
“Only a faint idea, though.”
“A faint idea?”
“Yeah, I heard it all secondhand, though. The agency was established roughly a decade ago, by the president. Word is, something happened around then, and then the agency was born.”
Tanizaki nodded. “I see. You, uh… You really do only have a faint idea, huh?”
“Well, I wasn’t lying, was I? I don’t know any more details than that. I never got another chance to ask about it. Why don’t you ask the president yourself?”
Tanizaki grew slightly flustered. “M-me? No way. I’m still a nobody at the agency.”
“Rank is irrelevant. The president isn’t the kind of person who would keep secrets like this.”
“But, like, I’d be way too nervous… Have you seen the president’s eyes when he’s angry? He could burn a hole through an iron plate. He’d probably even make a little girl cry.”
“That’s right.” Kunikida nodded in agreement. “The president is a master of martial arts of all styles. Ever since he founded the detective agency, he’s managed to uproot all sorts of evils and uncover numerous conspiracies. He’s head and shoulders above the rest. A single glare from that man could bring blood spewing out of the eyes of several little girls, instantly killing them. Instantly,” Kunikida repeated once more for emphasis.
“That sounds like a curse,” said Tanizaki.
“And that’s why he’s the president. So why did you want to know how the agency was founded? No, I mean—I completely understand why you would be curious about your employer, but why now?”
“Well, about that…,” Tanizaki began as he took a sip of tea, but it was apparently still too hot. “Yow!” he exclaimed, sticking out his tongue, then continued. “Because Dazai asked me.”
“Dazai?” Kunikida’s expression immediately tensed.
“Yeah, so I—”
“Hold on. Wait. Give me a moment to calm down a little.” Kunikida raised his hand to signal to Tanizaki to pause. “Lately, I’ve been getting horrible stress-induced stomach pains whenever I hear his name. Just sensing he’s nearby brings flashes of black and white over my field of vision. It’s a natural warning signal, so just give me a few seconds to relax.”
“Th-that sounds awful… I know how you feel, though…” Tanizaki’s expression was pure pity.
“I’m the only one in the agency who can keep that worthless vagabond Dazai in check. Well, nobody can truly control him, but…the president has asked me to manage and supervise him. In other words, the president trusts me, so I cannot abandon my role to—”
Kunikida suddenly stopped midsentence. He gazed up at the ceiling, then rubbed his eyes. “Hmm…?” he asked. “Suddenly, the lighting seems off, like it’s flickering…”
Tanizaki curiously looked up at the lights, but there was nothing abnormal in the slightest.
“That’s my cue! ”
“Ahhh!” Kunikida’s chair rattled noisily.
A tall young man with messy black hair stood near the entrance. Draped in a khaki coat, he leaned his lanky figure against the café entrance while dangling a paper bag in his right hand.
It was Osamu Dazai—a member of the Armed Detective Agency just like the other two. “Ah, I never get tired of hearing Kunikida’s lovely screaming. I could practically see his life span shortening with my own two eyes. Oh, I’ll have my usual black tea, ma’am.”
The middle-aged café owner poked her head out from the back. “Oh, Dazai! Handsome as ever, I see!” she called out to him.
“Right back at you, ma’am!” Dazai returned the compliment with a wave, then took a seat right next to Kunikida. The already cramped table became even more so.
“Dazai… What are you doing here?” asked Kunikida in a growl, like a wounded beast threatening its natural enemy.
“Huh? I came so I could shave a few years off your life, o
f cour—”
Kunikida wrapped his hands around Dazai’s neck and violently shook him before he could even finish his sentence.
“How much do I have to suffer by your hand before it’s enough?! When…will…it…stop…?!”
“Wa-ha-ha-ha!” Dazai cackled, still being shaken.
“C-come on, let’s calm down, you two. We’re in public.”
Tanizaki’s eyes darted around the shop restlessly. However, this café was on the first floor of the same building the detective agency was in. Dazai’s eccentric behavior and Kunikida’s yelling were nothing new to the owner or even the other customers. Everyone warmly watched them from their seats as if they were observing a schoolyard tussle between two brothers.
As the patrons’ affectionate gazes fell on him as well, Tanizaki forced a half-hearted laugh. He had no other choice. Kunikida continued to shake Dazai, while Dazai continued to enjoy the punishment.
“You’re too laid-back! How dare you show your face again this late at night! Where were you at work today?! Out annoying someone just like you always do, no doubt! Who do you think cleans up after you and apologizes for your mess?!”
“Oh, that’s clearly y—”
“There is no way in hell I’m going to let you finish that sentence!”
Kunikida twisted Dazai’s neck, letting out a slight pop. Pure bliss was the only way to describe the look on Dazai’s face.
“Um, anyway…” Tanizaki spoke up. “I was telling Kunikida what we talked about earlier. You know, when you asked me why the Armed Detective Agency exists.”
“What?” Kunikida cast Dazai a dubious gaze.
“Yep.” Dazai’s twisted neck cracked and popped as he adjusted it. “I just met with Tanizaki around noon today.”
“Where?”
“At a bar.”
As the seconds crawled by, Kunikida’s expression gradually started to look like a patient with neurotoxins slowly poisoning his body.
“I figured you were out drinking somewhere when you skipped work today, so that’s fine. I’ll save my anger for later. However, Tanizaki, what were you doing there? Don’t tell me you were playing hooky as well? Surely an eighteen-year-old wouldn’t be skipping work to day drink. Various studies and statistics have demonstrated the negative effects of underaged drinking, and there is clear proof that alcohol affects the secretion of testosterone. But regardless of the studies, if you start drinking now, your brain is going to turn into mush like his!” Kunikida firmly pointed to Dazai by his side.
“You may call me Mushy Brains.” Dazai quickly lowered his head and bowed.
“N-no, you’ve got the wrong idea!” Tanizaki waved his hands in a fluster. “I was there for work. I was told to go to the bar, and when I went, I ran into Dazai, and—”
“Yep. Nice seeing you there!”
“What…? So you went there for work? To a bar where Dazai just happened to be? …I find it hard to believe that this was a coincidence…which means Dazai asked you to meet him there. Did he ask you to pay his tab? Or did he cause a scene and need you to…?”
Kunikida stopped himself. His face turned pale before he bent forward at the waist.
“D-don’t tell me… It was the opposite? Did more trouble find him again? Is that it?”
“I’m sorry, Kunikida.” Tanizaki lowered his gaze apologetically.
“Sheesh, it wasn’t a big deal. Certainly nothing worth glowering over like that.” Dazai gleefully smirked. “All I did was drink and make merry with the folks at the bar, have a chat, listen to their stories, and go home. I promise… Oh, and there was a bomb somewhere in there.”
“…”
Kunikida’s upper body slowly rocked back and forth as he sat in silence.
“…Kunikida?” Worried, Tanizaki called out his colleague’s name.
“I…passed out for a second there,” Kunikida uttered feebly while lifting up his head. “A bomb…? Tanizaki, why didn’t you say something at the start of our meeting? Who planted the bomb? Have the city police done anything about it? Did the military police’s bomb squad take care of it? What happened to the bomb?”
“It’s right here.” Dazai dropped a paper bag on the table with a thud.
“Aggghhh!” Startled, Kunikida jumped back—chair and all.
“Don’t worry. Despite its realistic appearance, it’s a fake.” Dazai shrugged. “I’ll make this short. The bomb was delivered yesterday to my usual haunt, addressed to me from an anonymous sender. I opened the package and found this inside. Right when I unwrapped it, the fuse came off. Even the slightest movement might have caused it to explode, so the city police and the detective agency were duly contacted.”
“And that’s why I was sent over there,” said Tanizaki.
“I swear, every single time… How do you manage to constantly get yourself involved in these messes?”
Kunikida’s face was twisted in anguish as if he had just eaten a poisonous mushroom.
“Aw, c’mon, it’s just a fake.” At that moment, the tea Dazai ordered was brought to the table. Grinning, Dazai dropped a few sugar cubes in his teacup before taking a sip. Then he said, “This bomb ended up being a timer without any explosive components inside. Nothing more than a replica. Someone was just messing with me. Anyway, I already spoke with the perpetrator, so everything’s okay now.”
“Were they arrested?”
“Yep. I found a scrap of paper when I opened the bomb that said, ‘Keep your eyes on me and me alone.’ Turns out it was one woman’s unique yet extreme way of telling me she was obsessed with me. I had a few ideas as to who it could be, so I contacted them one by one until I found the criminal. After a good scolding, I convinced her it just wasn’t going to work out between the two of us. Besides, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself at the pub if she kept sending me bombs every day.”
Kunikida, in that moment the picture of exhaustion itself, stared at Dazai.
“…I see.”
His response was brief, but the look on his face essentially said, “I can’t even begin to fathom why someone like him is so popular with women.”
“And then one of the cops who showed up said to me, ‘It’s thanks to the Armed Detective Agency’s efforts to keep the city safe that we can do our jobs properly.’ Or something like that. I mean, how weird is that?”
“Oh?” Kunikida cocked an eyebrow. “Well, isn’t that nice… Not that you’d be in any position to complain if the cop drop-kicked you for getting bomb threats thanks to your half-assed flirting with every girl you see! You’re a menace to women everywhere!” Kunikida yelled while sternly kicking Dazai’s chair.
“It certainly is a good thing, though,” claimed Tanizaki with a strained smile. “I was equal parts grateful and suspicious. I mean, it’s the police’s job to protect the city so that the citizens can work in peace, isn’t it? That got me wondering why the president started a business that even the police appreciate.”
“And that’s what we talked about at the pub today,” added Dazai with a smile.
“I see.” Kunikida crossed his arms. “Danger does come with the job. Starting an agency isn’t something you can do on a whim. But as you know, the president is a man of humanity and justice. Search the entire country, and you still won’t find someone as fit for the job as he is. Personally, I believe the agency’s founding was divine providence.”
Kunikida took a sip of his tea, then scowled at Dazai out of the corner of his eye.
“Speaking of the detective agency,” Kunikida continued with an acidic note in his tone, “I just remembered something—Dazai, what happened with that kid?”
“What kid?”
“The homeless one you took in yesterday,” Kunikida replied as he placed his cup on the table. “You mentioned you wanted to employ him at the agency. Were you being serious? Because that’s not something any sane person would do. Not only is he a total stranger, the boy’s also a dangerous skill user and designated beastly threat within the local ward. And you w
ant the agency to hire him?”
“Heh-heh-heh. I’m more than serious about it. In fact, that’s why I came here today. Ah, I can’t wait.”
“Oh, I heard about that,” said Tanizaki, leaning forward in his chair. “This is the case where you had to catch a man-eating tiger that ended up actually being a street urchin boy with the ability to transform into a tiger, right? I can’t believe you guys were able both to solve such a bizarre case in under a day and take a skill user into custody without issue. You aren’t known as the best duo in the agency for nothing.”
“Oh, stop. You’re embarrassing me.”
“We’re not a ‘duo.’”
Dazai and Kunikida spoke at the exact same time.
However, the fact of the matter was that they were the most talented duo in the agency when it came to solving tough cases, and they had boasted a record of solving the most difficult cases ever since Dazai joined the company two years ago. Outsiders who didn’t know their personalities or how much they didn’t get along often thought they were the perfect pair. Ignorance is bliss.
“At any rate…,” Kunikida said while glaring at Dazai. “I’m against the idea, but if you’re serious about this, then you need to go talk it over with the president. If he agrees, then I won’t say another word about the matter.”
“Already done,” Dazai replied, beaming. “He told me to come up with an entrance exam.”
“Seriously? So you’re saying he gave you permission?” asked Tanizaki.
“Yep. Just one thing, though…” Dazai placed his thumb to his lips as if deep in thought. “I still haven’t thought of what I’m gonna get Atsushi to do for his entrance exam. Such a serious matter shouldn’t be left to me to decide alone. Right, partner?”
Dazai sent Kunikida a sly smirk after he finished.
“Of course.” Kunikida crossed his arms grumpily. “The entrance exam is an important rite of passage, a test of one’s compatibility with the agency and the authenticity of their very soul. Furthermore, this newcomer is a designated threat to the local ward. One wrong move, and the agency itself could fall under suspicion for illegally harboring a dangerous beast. I can’t argue with you if the president has given you permission, but we must be more thorough than usual with this exam. No way I’m letting you pull some idea out of your ass to test him.”
The Untold Origins of the Detective Agency Page 1
