“Then it’s settled.” Dazai tossed back the rest of his tea with mirth before standing. “Let’s go. I’ve already called everyone to the agency’s conference room.”
“…For what?” Kunikida asked flatly.
“To get started on what you just said.” Dazai stuck out his index finger to get everyone’s attention and smirked. “Boss’s orders. We need everyone’s wisdom in order to determine what this newcomer—our new rising star—can do for the agency.”
Dazai took in a deep breath, then declared:
“Let the first entrance exam trial meeting begin!”
The Armed Detective Agency was a private organization made up of skill users. There were the investigators who solved client cases, and office staff in charge of gathering intel, handling client relations, and seeing to accounting matters. Although the agency didn’t have a set number of employees, the usual staff totaled a dozen or so, including the president.
Almost all the investigators had some sort of skill.
Skill User: Junichiro Tanizaki
Skill: Light Snow
Skill User: Doppo Kunikida
Skill: The Matchless Poet
Skill User: Osamu Dazai
Skill: No Longer Human
Others had their own unique skills as well, which they used for their work. The Armed Detective Agency was a band of skill users who oversaw the twilight between the worlds of day—where the governmental authority of the police reigned—and night, ruled by the dark underbelly of society.
The agency was founded over a decade ago by the president after a chance encounter with a certain skill user. But that is a story for a later time.
This is the tale of the Armed Detective Agency’s newest employee and the entrance exam that determined his suitability for the job.
Atsushi Nakajima—the night before his hiring.
The Armed Detective Agency’s office was located on the fourth floor of a reddish-brown brick building. Inside were an office floor, a reception area, a conference room, the president’s office, an infirmary, an operating room, and a kitchenette. A spiral staircase for emergency use stood in the back, but everyone usually took the single, old-fashioned elevator.
The three agents got on the elevator and headed to the detective agency. It was nighttime; most employees were already making their way home, and only a few still remained in the office sitting under the bright, white fluorescent lights. One was writing a letter, another was reading a novel, and the last one was eating noodles. They seemed to have stayed by choice, rather than because of remaining work.
The seaside was visible from the office windows, and a merchant ship’s steam whistle could be heard blowing a few times in the distance. Kunikida, Dazai, and Tanizaki casually waved and greeted the staff before heading into the conference room at the end of the office.
The room was already occupied.
“Oh my. Just look at what the cat dragged in. If it’s an autopsy you’re looking for, I’m afraid I’ve closed up for the day.”
With her slender legs crossed as she sat, Miss Yosano lifted her head up from reading the newspaper in her hands.
Skill User: Akiko YosanoSkill: Thou Shall Not Die
Yosano was the agency’s personal physician and a healing skill user, which was rare even on a global scale. She single-handedly took care of all medical treatment in the detective agency, and there was never a shortage of fresh wounds. An immensely capable physician who loved nothing more than performing surgeries and autopsies, Yosano would oftentimes try to operate on patients with even the smallest cuts or scrapes, thus making her far more frightening to her colleagues than any enemy. To make matters worse, her primary surgical tool was a hatchet.
“Dr. Yosano.” Tanizaki, the first to enter, blinked in surprise. “What are you doing in the conference room?”
“What does it look like? I’m reading the paper,” Yosano responded while flapping the paper in her hands. “I was really busy today, so I didn’t get a chance to check the news,” she added while she continued to read one particular column. “Another great article today, I might add.”
“I never took you for the type who likes to read the paper…,” Tanizaki said while taking a peek at the periodical. “So what’s this ‘great article’ you’re reading?”
“The best section in the newspaper: the obituary notices,” she said with a cheerful smirk. “Death is the fairest judge of all.”
“You can say that again,” Dazai added, all smiles as he appeared in the doorway.
After the brief exchange, Tanizaki, Kunikida, and Dazai walked into the room and took a seat in that order. The hands on the wall clock made a resounding tick, tick.
“So what are you all doing here?” asked Yosano after taking her nose out of the paper.
“Heh-heh… We’re having a meeting to decide on the next entrance exam,” Dazai brightly replied. “Remember that tiger-boy from yesterday? Well, turns out we’re going to come up with his exam democratically. I want to hear everyone’s opinion.”
“Democratically, huh?” Yosano raised an eyebrow. “How about we do the same thing we did for Tanizaki? How’s that?”
Yosano glanced in Tanizaki’s direction, and he instantly turned pale, shaking his head.
“I—I don’t ever…want to be reminded of that again.”
When Tanizaki was new, he had to pass what could be called a very harsh entrance exam. However, it was so harsh that all of Tanizaki’s memories of that day ended up buried deep in his subconscious. Remembering what happened would only bring underlying trauma up to the surface.
“Anyway, this isn’t about me.” Tanizaki leaned forward. “Let’s keep this exam tame.”
“Ooh, check out this article,” Yosano interrupted while reading the paper. “‘MANY DEAD OR INJURED AFTER ILLICIT SHANGHAI HAIRY CRAB SUPPLIER GOES UP IN FLAMES.’ I bet that smelled wonderful. Maybe I’ll walk by the place on the way home.” She licked her lips.
“D-don’t you think that’s just a little much…?” Tanizaki looked disturbed. “Besides, Yosano, that paper’s from two months ago. It’s old. You wouldn’t be able to enjoy the rich fragrance of freshly cooked crab even if you went.”
“Oh, hey… You’re right.” Yosano checked the newspaper’s date and frowned. “Who’s the wise guy who left this old paper lying on the table? Tch. And here I was excited for my chance to cut up some bodies from the fire—living or dead—under the pretense of helping a legal autopsy.” Yosano tossed the newspaper aside in disappointment.
“Yeah, I don’t know how I feel about mutilating living people with a hatchet…”
Tanizaki, who frequently found himself under the knife, expressed the kind of sympathy only a firsthand victim could.
“Grilled crab is the greatest treasure of this world,” Dazai commented, completely missing the point.
“Dazai.” Kunikida finally spoke in a low tone. “Forget about the crabs. What happened to the meeting? I thought you said you called everyone to the conference room, yet Dr. Yosano seems to be the only one here.”
“Hmm…” Dazai peered up at the clock while tilting his head. “I did contact everyone, but the agents here are all so laid-back, y’know? It’ll probably take them a little longer to arrive.”
Crossing his arms, Kunikida stared at Dazai. “Yes, you’re one to talk, Dazai. You’re basically the king of Laid-Back Land.” Kunikida pouted his lips. “You said this was a meeting, but do you have any specific ideas on how you’re going to proceed?”
“Yeah, yeah, I already came up with a plan. Not even the Prime Minister of Meeting Procedure Land, Kunikida, will complain.”
Dazai then got out of his seat and began to write on the whiteboard in the corner of the room.
“Step one: exchange ideas.
“Step two: pick the most suitable proposal given.
“Step three: assign appropriate roles.
“…So? Rather systematic, wouldn’t you agree?” Dazai claimed while tapping the whit
eboard.
“It is systematic…which is actually why I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” Kunikida frowned. “That part about roles especially worries me. This is you we’re talking about, after all. I’ll bet you devised some sort of scheme to get out of any work at all. Am I wrong?”
“I’m offended. I would never be so deceptive. Surely my colleague Kunikida trusts me, right?” Dazai spread his arms wide, claiming innocence.
“Nope,” replied Kunikida.
“Sorry, I don’t believe you, either…,” added Tanizaki.
“Never believed anyone less,” said Yosano.
Dazai leaped out of his chair in an amused manner. “So cruel!”
“We’ll be keeping our eyes on you. At any rate, let’s not worry about step three for now. We need to start exchanging ideas,” said Kunikida as he checked the clock once more. The only two agents missing were Ranpo and Kenji. The final decision would need the majority vote, meaning their presence would be essential, but a meeting to exchange ideas with the current members was more than doable.
“That’s the spirit!” Dazai said with a smile. “If Kunikida wants to start, then let the meeting begin. All right, then… Any proposals?”
Dazai took a seat, then looked at everyone in rotation one by one. Each of the room’s occupants exchanged glances, hesitant to speak up. They could go toe to toe with the most violent skill users while humming a merry tune, but even these veteran detectives weren’t good at everything, and reading the situation was one such difficulty for them. When each agent in a gathering possessed an outstanding skill and unusual personality, one would have a better chance of finding treasure in the unexplored corners of South America than trying to guess what the other was thinking. However, the silence was soon broken.
“Oh, wow! Look at Tanizaki! Look at how he’s glowing! He’s just dying to speak up!” Frustrated, Dazai threw Tanizaki to the wolves.
“Huh? M-me?” Tanizaki pointed at himself, puzzled.
“I can see it! The radiant idea is illuminating your body! Go ahead. Tell us about that ace up your sleeve! Tell us about your cherished proposal that will make us jump out of our seats and clap! Our hearts are ready!”
“Please don’t make this any more difficult than it already is!” Tanizaki cried out in a fluster. “Anyway, I don’t think it needs to be some convoluted test. Why don’t we just look at the requests we’ve received from clients and pick out something reasonable from there? I believe I heard that’s what they did with you, Dazai.”
“Oh! Good idea! Thanks, Tanizaki.” Dazai proceeded to write “handle a case” on the whiteboard in black. “Any objections?”
“You already know the answer to that, Dazai,” Kunikida said. “That would work if this were any ordinary newcomer. However, the military police are under orders to put down the beast that’s been terrorizing the district. In other words, he’s wanted. The agency won’t have any problem concealing his identity to an extent, but that doesn’t mean we should toss him into the midst of chaos before he’s even hired. Surely the president told you this already.”
“They don’t call you the president’s top apprentice for nothing!” Dazai placed his hands on his cheeks. “The president essentially told me the same thing. Hmm… It was a very reasonable proposal, but we have to come up with a test that won’t attract too much outside attention. Sorry, Tanizaki.”
“Oh…,” Tanizaki uttered with a note of disappointment. “Then…how about having him solve a problem within the agency?”
“Such as?”
“Hmm… Maybe like clearing a paper jam or cleaning the pipes?”
“This isn’t a janitorial position.” Kunikida furrowed his brow. “Besides, there aren’t really any incidents at the agency that could ‘test the veracity of one’s soul.’”
“We’ll come back to this one.”
Thereupon, Dazai wrote “solve an in-house issue” on the whiteboard before adding a “?” at the end.
“Are we just going to sit here and criticize every single idea? We’re getting absolutely nowhere,” Yosano complained, resting her chin on her palm. She pointed at Dazai. “Dazai, you’re the one who wanted to do this. Tell us your idea. Surely you’ve thought of something.”
Dazai remained silent for a few seconds.
“…Heh-heh.”
He giggled as if he had been waiting for someone to say exactly that. Then he slowly took a bundle of paper out of a paper bag and placed it where everyone could see. The sheets were crammed with sentences, but it was difficult to tell whether they had been scribbled quickly or by garden-variety terrible penmanship.
“Of course, I came prepared! Feast your eyes on the numerous foolproof plans I’ve devised!”
Everyone looked at Dazai in awe—except for Kunikida, who had seen this coming and scowled.
“My first proposal is a test that focuses on physical abilities and stamina. First, we’ll take the train thirty minutes to the Yokohama city zoo and sneak in after closing. Then we’ll throw our candidate into the Asiatic black bear exhibit and leave him in there overnight. If he’s either defeated the bears or escaped by the time we come back the next morning, we’ll hire him.”
“Dazai,” Kunikida intoned deeply as he glared at Dazai.
“If he reconciles with the bears, then we keep him on standby.”
“Dazai.”
“But we would be completely in the wrong from the bears’ point of view, so we’re moving on to my next idea. This proposal focuses on thinking ability and problem-solving. There’s this old man in the Sixth District who’s so stingy you have to wonder if he was a piggy bank in a past life. Word has it one time his change was off by five yen, and he lambasted the clerk for two hours straight. We’ll have the newcomer come up with some reason to borrow a thousand yen from the old man.”
“Dazai.”
“And if he can keep playing dumb for a month without paying the man back, we’ll hire him.”
“It hurts just imagining that!”
“After that—”
Dazai continued flipping through his stack of paper until Kunikida stopped him.
“Wait, wait, wait. Are all the ideas you came up with like that? The hell do you think the entrance exam is? Besides, there’s no way you could avoid that old man for an entire month. The sheer stress would cause you to go bald.”
“In that case, we’ll have the newcomer borrow the money under your name,” Dazai claimed while staring at Kunikida’s crown.
“Don’t you dare!” Kunikida yelled while covering his head. “…Ahem. What I meant to say is, this kid is a potential agency member! There has to be something more suited to that! The exam should test a candidate’s sense of righteousness, his abilities, his knowledge, his morality!”
“Really? Okay, then how about this one. If he eats four pounds of sugar in under five minutes, then—”
“All your ideas are garbage! They’re just becoming more absurd as you go on! What is this, a circus sideshow? Tch. Surely there’s got to be someone out there with a better idea than—”
Just when Kunikida was about to tear his hair out…
“Sorry to keep you waiting!”
…the door to the conference room flew open with a strange-sounding creak from its hinges.
“Sorry. I was plowing the field in front of my house and lost track of time. Check out the huge radishes I harvested today. You could kill a guy with one of these! Don’t worry. I’ll make sure everyone gets their share later!”
The lively, energetic voice belonged to a small-framed young man donning a straw hat and cotton overalls. The gloves stuffed in his pocket were soiled with fresh dirt, and to top it off, he was barefoot.
This was Kenji Miyazawa, the youngest agent at the detective agency.
“Hey, Kenji! We were waiting for you!” Dazai was all smiles as he welcomed his colleague. “You remember why I asked you here, right? Well, let me tell you, it’s been one heated discussion! Come, Kenji, give us one or tw
o of your brightest ideas!”
“I’ll see what I can do!” the young detective replied cheerfully before entering. His bare feet tapped against the floor as he cut across the room to read the whiteboard. Then he turned around to face the others.
“The exam needs to test whether he’s talented enough to join the agency, right?”
Kenji pondered for a few seconds before facing Dazai and raising his hand.
“Oh, I know!”
“Yes, Kenji?” Dazai pointed at Kenji, allowing him to speak.
“Get him to arm wrestle me! If he wins, he’s in!”
Everyone fell silent, their expressions dead serious. Even Dazai was left speechless.
It was an unattainable objective. Kenji’s skill, Undefeated by the Rain, granted him superhuman strength and made his body essentially indestructible by physically knocking back whatever hit him. He could effortlessly throw a car if he wanted to. In fact, he once wrestled three seasoned sumo wrestlers and simultaneously threw them in the air. No one knows if they ever hit the ground. Everyone in the room imagined the newcomer trying to arm wrestle Kenji until his arm got torn off and left him screaming.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea…” Tanizaki timidly spoke up, breaking the silence. His face stiff, he glanced around at the others.
But when he noticed the nearby Yosano mutter under her breath “…That could work” with a smirk, he immediately tried changing the subject.
“A-any other ideas?”
“Other ideas, huh?” Kenji repeated, unbothered. He paced back and forth a few times, deep in thought as his bare feet audibly tapped the floor. “I think most detective work boils down to putting in the effort one day at a time.” Kenji struck his palm with a fist before continuing. “I’m fairly certain the president would agree that it’s not about jumping immediately into action, going berserk on the enemy, and having a fairy-tale ending. So how about we have him plow the field next to my house little by little, and if that leads to a good harvest come autumn, then he can join the company. Sounds wonderful, if you ask me!”
The Untold Origins of the Detective Agency Page 2
