Everyone’s gazes fixated on Tanizaki in silence—“Say something!” they seemed to be urging him.
“Uh… Y-yeah…” Tanizaki reluctantly gave an ambiguous reply. “We were with you during the first half, but…I think waiting until autumn might be a little too long. Right, Kunikida?”
“A-agreed.” Kunikida seemed startled when the hot potato was suddenly thrown to him.
“Oh… If you say so…” Kenji’s innocent, childlike eyes showed a hint of disappointment. “Then how about one of the more common rites of passage we use back in the countryside where I’m from?”
“Oh? What kind of ritual is that?” Tanizaki raised his eyebrows.
Kenji was from an extremely remote village deep in the mountains of the Touhoku region just past a stream that cut through the forest. Up until the day he was scouted by the president and brought to the agency two months prior, Kenji lived a simple life surrounded by cows and fields, which was why he may seem uncivilized to some.
“Back home, we had a young men’s association that would help out with general farm work. There were a few ways to become a member, but for example…” Kenji raised his index finger and continued, “…forecasting the weather.”
“Huh… Sounds neat. I guess the weather is very important to farmers, after all. So basically, if you correctly predict the next day’s weather without checking the forecast, you pass?”
“Not just the next day’s weather. An entire month’s weather.”
“…Pardon?”
“You predict the weather by checking the soil and the animals’ behavior. I can do it, too! Here: sunny, cloudy, sunny, sunny with showers in the morning and in the evening…”
After that, Kenji rambled on, forecasting the weather for an entire month. Unfortunately, though, everyone blanked out, and all that information went in one ear and out the other.
“Th-that’s really impressive…” Tanizaki finally spoke up. “Anything else?”
“If you can hold a conversation with a cow, you pass. Or a dog.”
“Your village sounds incredible, Kenji…,” Tanizaki muttered in blank amazement.
“Also, anyone who can summon rain gets a free pass. The same goes for people who can grow a sapling into a tree in a day’s time.”
“That’s a real top-notch group you’ve got back home!”
“If you build a community center in one night, you pass.”
“Who lives there, Hideyoshi Toyotomi?!”
“If you defeat a cursed spirit, you pass.”
“Those exist?!”
“Also…”
“H-hold on.” Tanizaki stopped him, unable to take any more. “I think we’re getting way off topic. Plus, I feel like if we listen to any more of this, we’re going to completely forget about the meeting, so let’s stop there for today.”
“Oh… Well, if you say so.” Kenji tilted his head to the side in a disheartened manner. Just then, Tanizaki turned around to find Dazai writing “Hideyoshi Toyotomi” on the whiteboard.
The debate over the entrance exam had reached a fever pitch. Everything Dazai proposed, Kunikida shot down, while Yosano raised an objection to everything Kunikida suggested. And whenever Yosano brought something up, Tanizaki said, “Yeah, that’s a bit much…”
Everyone put their heads together and passionately debated the topic in an effort to select the best rookie for the agency…or at least, that was what they should have done. In reality, this bunch was simply far too eccentric to put out a proposal that could be considered even halfway decent.
“A rookie needs guts,” Yosano argued with a curl of her sensuous lips. “How about we do this: You all have pinkie fingers on your left hand, right?”
Everyone looked at their pinkies.
“We start from the left pinkie…and tear off one finger until we reach the pinkie on his right. If he can make it through all ten fingers, he’s in.”
“That’s way too cruel!” Tanizaki shrieked.
“All right, eight fingers, then.”
“What kind of pointless compromise is that?!”
“Oh, come on. I can always just heal him with my skill,” Yosano said with a pout. “If you’re not gonna let me do that, then how about we file down his crotch and see how long before he cries? That could be the test.”
All the men in the room grabbed their crotches and leaped out of their chairs at the thought of the unfathomable pain.
“We’re not going to torture him!”
“Then how about he challenges me to a drinking contest? If he wins, he’s hired.”
“That’s hazing!” Tanizaki shouted back.
“Hey, Kunikida, you’ve been awfully quiet,” Dazai pointed out. “It’s about time for the star of the show to make their appearance, don’t you think? Please grace us with one of your stellar ideas.”
“…You would pretend to help someone before pulling the ladder from under them. I know you well enough that no praise of yours could motivate me. If anything, it gives me anxiety,” Kunikida said while glaring at Dazai. “Sigh. It doesn’t matter. How about this? If he takes out Dazai, he’s hired.”
“Oh, wow,” Tanizaki said in admiration while lightly clapping his hands together.
“…Anything else?” asked Dazai, peering at Kunikida from the corner of his eye.
“If he argues Dazai into silence and makes him reflect on all his misdeeds, then he’s hired.”
“Oh, wow! Good idea.” Tanizaki enthusiastically nodded. “Anything else?”
“Yes, he could take Dazai…! And then, like, put him between two wooden boards or something, then slowly apply pressure on both sides and blow hot steam on his face. He could stab him with countless tiny needles with the occasional electric shock in between and whisper into his ear, ‘This is all your fault. This is all your fault.’ And after that, he could…!”
In a heated frenzy, Kunikida gestured as if he were hitting something in the air before twisting and shaking it. His eyes were bloodshot. Tanizaki, as well as the others watching in the conference room, were slightly weirded out.
“Um… I… I’m sorry,” Dazai mumbled feebly. However, Kunikida didn’t seem to hear him.
“But you wouldn’t actually reflect on your misdeeds, right, Dazai?” Tanizaki asked.
“Nope,” came the usual reply. Just then, there was a knock at the conference room door.
“Pardon my intrusion.” It was a girl’s voice, clear as a bell. “You all must be absolutely exhausted from such a long meeting. One of our regulars brought us a gift, so how about taking a short break and helping yourself to one?”
A high school–age girl walked in, her long, shiny black tresses cascading down her back. She was wearing a school uniform and held a tray of food in her delicate hands.
“Naomi!” Tanizaki lifted his head in surprise. “I thought you already went home.”
“I was waiting for you so we could go home together.”
Naomi gently smiled. Underneath one of her eyes was a beauty mark that gave her an alluring appeal beyond her years. Naomi Tanizaki, Junichiro Tanizaki’s younger sister, worked at the agency’s office when she wasn’t at school. With a practiced hand, she placed a cup of green tea and a meat bun on the conference desk for each person there. Steam rose from the buns along with a delicious aroma; they must have been fresh out of the oven. She walked by her brother and leaned in so closely that he could feel her breath.
“My dearest brother,” she said, a touch of heat in her long exhale, “you’re looking ever so handsome, as usual.”
Naomi stroked the back of his neck with her fingertips. Everyone in the room pretended not to notice. Apparently, these two were blood-related siblings; Tanizaki had admitted as much before, and Naomi had made it no secret, either. Nevertheless, they looked nothing alike. Compared with Tanizaki, who had timid yet honest eyes and a smile always lacking self-confidence, Naomi had a certain sexiness that defied her young age. She had voluptuous lips and lashes so long you might expect
to hear them when she blinked. Her eyes were large, like bottomless pits that would absorb any young man naive enough to peer into them, trapping them in a world of fantasy as all the blood rushed to a certain part of his body.
To make matters worse, she always tried to have some sort of physical contact with her brother, regardless of location or who was around. She would touch his ear during conversation, rub his thigh during work, and blow into his ear whenever he wasn’t paying attention. Tanizaki would start acting self-conscious every time, and his eyes would wander, but Naomi even seemed to enjoy her brother’s reactions.
“Oh, Big Brother, you have a piece of lint on your chest. Let me get that for you.”
Naomi softly traced Tanizaki’s collarbone with her fingernail. Of course, there wasn’t a speck of lint on his body. Tanizaki turned red and blinked uncomfortably. Everyone awkwardly looked away.
“Are you two actually related, though? How can two siblings live alone together and act like this?”
That was the question not a single person in the agency was brave enough to ask. Everyone firmly believed something was up, but they could never pry for fear that their hunch was right.
“Hey, Big Brother… I brought what you asked. It’s in my bag. Tonight, we could use it to—”
“Huh? O-oh yeah. Thanks.”
And that was exactly why no one could ask them what they were talking about, despite wondering about the meaning behind Naomi’s suggestive whispers and the fact that Tanizaki was looking at everything but her.
“These meat buns are amazing!”
Kenji, who was seated at the foot of the table, was the only one munching happily away at the meat buns Naomi brought. Appetite outweighed sex appeal as far as he was concerned.
“Hey, Naomi, how about helping us out a little while you’re here?” Dazai suggested brightly. “We’re brainstorming ideas for the rookie’s entrance exam.”
“Oh, that sounds wonderful!” She placed the tray under her arm, then beamed rapturously. “Although I wonder if I could even come up with anything useful…”
“We’re still in the early stages. Spitballing. Anything will do,” Dazai assured her. “It can be something you’re good at or familiar with, if you want.”
“…!”
Kunikida shot Dazai a look pleading with him to shut up.
“Hmm… Let me think…”
Naomi tilted her head to the side while she pondered. A few moments went by before she blushed and offered three proposals.
Unfortunately, none of what she said could be written here.
The room was silent as everyone ate their meat buns. At this rate, the trial meeting was never going to end. Everyone started to come to the faint realization that conferences and debates just weren’t their strong suits. They needed to find some common ground.
Written in black on the conference room whiteboard were eight ideas: “Handle a case,” “Solve an in-house issue,” “Hideyoshi Toyotomi,” “Tear off eight fingers,” “Hazing,” “Crush Dazai,” “****ing,” and “These meat buns are delicious.”
Tanizaki’s internal battery was starting to die. While somewhat obvious that this would prove to be a tricky meeting, no one was expecting that agreeing on a single idea would be such a great challenge, nor did they anticipate the process of finding common ground to be so mundane. Building a sandcastle would have been a more constructive use of their time.
Tanizaki and Kunikida exchanged looks. They predicted this would happen. Their meeting earlier at the café was actually to plan for a situation like this. A meeting-response meeting. They considered what to do when meetings like this were going nowhere, and they specifically made sure to keep it a secret from Dazai. Kunikida seized this opportunity to speak up just as he’d planned earlier at the café.
“Dazai, how about narrowing down our choices? We have been stuck on step one for too long already. If we don’t decide on something now, we’ll be here all night. I’m not saying we have to choose one of the ideas on the board, but at least give us some basic direction.”
“Huh? But arguing over such trifles together is fun. Let’s keep this going all night!”
“Whether you’re enjoying yourself or not is beside the point. We came here today for a reason,” Kunikida said, sternly furrowing his brow. “Plus, we’ve got minors here, too. Hurry it up. All that’s left for us to do is decide on an idea and delegate roles, right?”
“But we’re still missing someone.” Dazai scratched his head. “Ranpo’s not here, and we need everyone present before we can decide on the test. I wonder what he’s doing this late at night? Maybe he’s working on a tough case, and it’s taking longer than he thought…”
“Oh!” Naomi placed a hand on her cheek. “Actually, Ranpo’s in the office right now.”
“Huh?”
“I saw him when I was walking by a few moments ago. He was wrapped up in one of those puzzles that comes with the candy boxes.”
“That’s Ranpo for ya. Nothing fazes him.” Dazai proceeded to compliment Ranpo for whatever reason.
Ranpo Edogawa, twenty-six years old, was the Armed Detective Agency’s top detective and the brains of the operation. He possessed outstanding powers of observation and deduction for someone so ingenuous and simple in nature. Even then, he was impossible to figure out, and he yielded to no one. Ranpo was only willing to go out on a case so long as he alone solved it. Although he didn’t mean any harm, he would tell anyone they were stupid even if it was their first time meeting, and he never hesitated to give someone a pat on the head—victim, perpetrator, you name it. And there wasn’t a single case he couldn’t solve. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say he was the center pillar of the agency.
“I’ll go get him,” Naomi said before trotting out of the conference room. After watching her leave, Dazai said, “Everything should be okay now. There is nothing he can’t solve.”
“I agree, but is this really something worth bothering him over?” Kunikida asked reluctantly. “His brain should only be used for solving cases. There are plenty of difficult cases he could be cracking instead of spending his time on something as trivial as this.”
There wasn’t a single soul in the neighborhood who didn’t know Ranpo’s skill. Even the big shots from government organizations like the city police would beg him for help.
Skill User: Ranpo EdogawaSkill: Super Deduction
While most skills were supernatural events that bent the laws of physics, Ranpo’s stood out as extraordinary even among the best detectives—the ability to see the truth.
No matter the case or event, he could see the truth after nothing more than a single glance. His skill almost seemed like cheating, even. The existence of such an ability would render any and all investigative organizations utterly meaningless. And yet, Ranpo possessed such a skill and used it to solve mysteries. The truth never escaped his discerning eye.
And that was precisely why no one could oppose him, which consequently made Ranpo even more arrogant. It allowed him to solve cases however he liked, even if that meant dragging other relevant parties down with it. After he departed the scene of a crime, he always left everyone involved mentally exhausted, despite having solved the case. No one could control the infallible genius…except for the president, whom Ranpo still earnestly listened to for some reason. He would get depressed if the boss got mad at him, and it brought him so much joy when he was praised. Nobody knew exactly why he was so obedient, but according to the other agents, “Well, you know how the president is. Guess it’s no real surprise.”
Tmp. Tmp. Tmp. Ranpo walked up to the conference room door with force in his step.
“Hey, folks! I see everyone’s racking their brain over another pointless meeting,” Ranpo quipped with a grin. “Sigh. What would you guys do without me?”
“We’ve been waiting for you, Ranpo,” said Dazai, smiling back. “We’re having a meeting about the entrance exam I mentioned to you earlier. Got any ideas?”
“
I hate using my head for boring stuff,” Ranpo complained. “And anyway, I honestly couldn’t care less if this newcomer’s got what it takes. There are two kinds of people in the world: those who cry tears of joy when I solve a case, and those who cry out of frustration!”
“You raise a fine point.” Dazai nodded in agreement.
“But of course, my skill always leads me to the truth, be it a murder or even something as trivial as this. Besides, I’ll be away on a business trip tomorrow, so I won’t be able to take part in the test anyway. There was a string of killings in the Hokuriku region that I’ve been dying to investigate. But as a parting gift, I suppose I wouldn’t be against using my Super Deduction to predict the course of this meeting, if you wanted.”
Ranpo produced a pair of black-framed glasses from his pocket—old spectacles that triggered his skill, Super Deduction, whenever he put them on. Not a soul knew where he got them, but according to Ranpo, they had a long and distinguished history of working miracles. They looked like nothing more than a pair of worn-out spectacles to any ordinary person, though.
“Are you sure, Ranpo?” Kunikida asked, slightly flustered. After all, Ranpo never used his skill for anything unrelated to a case.
“Of course—”
Ranpo abruptly paused and took in a deep breath.
“—not. Did you really think I’d do that?”
The group nodded in unison. You’re not wrong there.
“You guys are out here busting every little brain cell you’ve got; it’d be a darn shame if I just solved the problem for you in a snap. Besides, you all ate meat buns without me, and that is unacceptable!” He pointed at the empty plates lined up on the table.
“Huh? But I thought you were stuffing your face with sweets at your desk…” Tanizaki sounded perplexed.
“Okay, sure, obviously I prefer candy and sweet buns, and I also like ordinary stuff like hamburgers and omurice, too! But it’s nighttime, see, and there’s nothing that grinds my gears more than smelling meat buns in the middle of the night and knowing there aren’t any around for me to eat!”
The Untold Origins of the Detective Agency Page 3
