The Naughty Sins Of A Saint

by Tiana Laveen

  I have absolutely no problem with polygamy. Let me get that straight right now. My issue is when I’m told it’s natural, over monogamy, because I know it isn’t true. I’m a sex therapist by trade – a scientist. I went to medical school, and I’m a sex lecturer. I have the experience to know about these things. Polygamy isn’t unnatural, but it doesn’t trump monogamy. They’re two different solutions to one’s love life and spiritual connections. One thing that’ll stand you apart from your competitor, the Black male, is to offer monogamy, faithful monogamy, Gentlemen. Women don’t want to share a man, and I guarantee you, that for many women involved in polygamous relationships, if they were allowed to have that man all to themselves, if he’d sincerely offer, they’d jump at the chance. That’s why you must stand out from the crowd and be different from your competition.

  From the time you and she are established as serious, you must cease all sexual and romantic activities with other women. This will make you more desirable right out of the gate. This is one of my most important points. If you remember nothing else, I need you to remember that this is serious business, and you’re up against a very worthy opponent. He’ll use tricks, games, lies, and scheming to get you to leave his women alone. He sees you as a threat, and this next word of caution is strictly for the white men in this auditorium. You’re in far more danger than the rest of us, when you seek Black women as lovers and wives. White men, you’re the scapegoat for what your ancestors did to a nation of people. Your mere presence causes anxiety, anger, and fear. That’s part of the reason you’re met with so much resentment, even to this day. Interestingly enough, some Black men who despise you have no problem fucking white women, impregnating them, and leaving their biracial children fatherless and destitute. Such behavior isn’t far from that committed by the white slave masters against the ‘Black queen;’ however, Black men believe they have the right to behave badly because of all the suffering their ancestors experienced.

  White men, you also represent power, wealth, and control – what all men want. The white man has the bulk of it across the world. We already know this, and there’s no need for us to sit here and play nicey-nice. You’ve also systematically abused your power. You create mayhem, and you do it in the name of greed. The European culture is corrupt. This is one of the reasons why I say we’re hybrids. You’re hard-wired to conquer. The African race is hard-wired to see things collectively, not individually. But this view among Black men has changed, due to European influence. Black men now lust after what you have, white men. You’ve violated them and changed them into monsters, just like you. I don’t apologize for saying this shit to you. It’s the truth, and you need to embrace truth before you can ever be with a Black woman, because she and your future children will live with the consequences. I don’t care if you didn’t personally drill for oil, steal gold, rape, and pillage – your bloodline is still responsible. You have what other men want, and if you go after the one thing Black men have relied on, no matter how much he’s abused her, then you’re starting a war. A white boy just got killed the other day for walking hand-in-hand with his Black girlfriend after their prom. We’re in a war. Don’t get into this if you don’t have the stomach for it. Go find you a white woman and live your life. I reiterate – one thing the Black man always had was his woman. Then he left her, gentlemen.”

  Saint took another sip of water.

  “He left her all alone to fend for herself and nurse her broken heart. He left her penniless, with no roof over her head and children he no longer acknowledged. Then she did what she had to – take care of herself and those children. She went into survival mode, and when that man wanted to come back home, he told her she was too aggressive, trying to run him. He said she didn’t appreciate him, that she was a whore and much worse to try to beat her back into submission. She had to be hard and aggressive!”

  Saint slammed his fist on the podium.

  “She was alone! I’m not a male chauvinist, though I’m often called one, but I strongly believe that a woman needs a man, regardless of her race, career success, and world view. Men, you’re supposed to be her provider, protector, lover, and best friend. We were designed to be with one another. Our union is necessary to create life, and apart from one another, we only create death.”

  Applause erupted.

  “As most of you know, and my constituents can attest to, your choice of sexual partner tells more about you, spiritually, than anything else. To whom you’re attracted and mate with tells the world where you are, as far as your spiritual health. For instance, men who rape children are sick, as are men who rape grown women or have sex with animals. They’re spiritually dead. When you stick your dick in a woman’s pussy, you’re connected for life. You’re taking from her, and she’s taking from you; the only difference is, you leave more behind. Whoever puts his hand inside the cookie jar leaves evidence – his DNA. Your hand brushed up against the side of the jar when you picked up the cookie. Some microscopic crumbs fell. Your DNA is on those as well. You’ve left fingerprints, DNA, and germs. That’s why I never eat those cookie samples at the grocery store.”

  More laughter erupted.

  “Why do you think most women are so emotional? Why do they get clingy after sex? They’re designed that way! You’ve gone inside her and taken something she can never get back. That cookie is gone forever. You ate it. It’s in your body now. She has to remain close to you in order to continue to feel complete. Every man she sleeps with steals from her. She, too, must choose wisely, because she loses more than we do. Every thrust your dick makes inside of her forges a path. Her chakras are affected. Her spirit is affected. Her chemistry is affected. You alter how she tastes and smells. You may even alter the way she walks if you’re doing it right.”

  The audience hooted.

  “Her emotions are affected. When she has an orgasm, she’s tied to you in another way, too. When you can give a woman an orgasm multiple times, she becomes addicted to you and that puts you in a position of control. She’ll continue to want it. Why do you think her clit is positioned where it is? That’s divine design. It’s a way of God forcing you to be a good lover. If it was all just about procreation, she wouldn’t even have a clitoris. Not all female mammals have them. It’s a call for you to pay attention to her body and make sure when you’re inside her, you’re angling the right way to rub up against that tiny man in the boat. You have to touch it, suck it, rub it. Men, choose wisely. Once you leave her, you’re imprinted on each other, no matter where you go. If one of you dies, the other one still has the imprint. This isn’t a joke! Don’t play with her heart. Don’t have sex casually. When you make love to her for the first time, do it because you want to imprint, not just to bust a nut! It needs to be for both reasons!”

  As the men in the crowd grew serious, Saint continued, “I need all of the men in this room to stop fucking every woman who bothers to respond to your sexual advances! How we fuck says a lot about us! How you make love is important! When you go to work a new job, you have to be trained. You’re taken on a tour of the facility. You meet your colleagues. You’re told how much you’ll get paid and what’s expected of you. The same goes for your soulmate and how you fuck her!” His voice boomed throughout the large, packed auditorium.

  “I’m going to give you a crash course this evening on how to make love, but first, let’s go over how to find, select, and woo your future goddess. You find her the same way you’ve been finding women. You have to get out and about. You can meet her online if you wish, but be selective. Remember, you’re picking your wife, not a fuck-buddy, so don’t get messed up over some woman with a nice ass and big tits. When you look at her, imagine her as your wife. When you see her photos, speak to her on the phone, go on dates with her, if something doesn’t sit well with you, don’t ignore it. Your future wife will look good to you, smell good to you, keep your interest, and embody most, if not all, that you’re looking for in a mate. It’s time to grow up, Boys. Whatever continent your family is fro
m originally, you now have to swim over three seas to get your bride. It was designed that way so once you’re over there, in Africa, my pale comrades,” – many men laughed – “make the best use of your time and energy. You’re over there to conquer, but only one woman! There are many Black women who are still resistant to the notion that they can be treated like gold, and perhaps, by a man the color of notebook paper. There are many Black women still in love with the premise they call ‘Black love.’ There is no such thing as ‘Black love,’ ‘white love,’ ‘Latin love,’ ‘Asian love,’ or any other kind of racially-exclusive love, because love was never dipped in paint, colored with crayons or scribbled with markers. Do you think God makes one love inferior to another? It only has one color, and that color is formed when you mesh with your lover. We’re so uncomfortable with race and ethnicity in this country we try to categorize every goddamn thing! But we like what we like, and there’s science behind the attraction. The attraction makes sense. Those of you wise enough and brave enough to be here realize this. You owe no apologies. The Black woman can take a repeated beating and still sing the praises of her oppressor. She’s loyal to the undying end, and that, my friends, is part of the reason that she’s so stubborn but also so – damn – sexy.”

  He dragged the words out as if remembering someone in particular.

  “’Sexy’ isn’t just about sex. It’s about loyalty, having her man’s back. Could you imagine a strong, beautiful, Black goddess having your back? You, being faithful to her, loving her, kissing the ground she walks on and her, always there for you? Could you imagine that? Could you imagine dying in the arms of the woman who gave your children life and provided them the strongest DNA on the planet while she sustained you spiritually? No wonder so many Black men don’t want us to have any of that! They know what the fuck they’ve got!”

  Over half of the audience stood up and cheered. Everyone clapped.

  “Now, after you find her, your Black goddess, and she’s agreed to get to know you and vice versa, you have to woo her. Please don’t do any stupid shit like take her to a soul food restaurant on a first date, or ask her if the Cosby Show was her favorite, or assume she’s a good dancer, or touch her hair without permission.”

  Laughter erupted.

  “That’s a serious turn-off, Fellas. Don’t bring up sex, either. As disgusting as it may be to imagine, pretend she’s your mother or sister on that first date. Anything you wouldn’t say to either of them, don’t say to her. If you have some bondage fantasy, don’t discuss it right then either. Stick to compliments and ask her questions about herself. Give minimal information about yourself unless asked, and when you do answer, don’t make it longwinded unless she wants you to. Pay attention to her cues. That first date, she should have the floor. Pay attention very closely to what she tells you. Use it to your advantage. For example, if she tells you she enjoys a certain type of food, make sure you take her to a place that specializes in that next time. If she tells you that her mother and she are very close, make sure you ask about her mother sometime in the near future. These are basic dating rules and really have nothing to do with race, but they’ve been lost along the way, for some reason. We have to get old school in order to get these women, especially the ones who are curious but reluctant. You have to make it damn near impossible for her to tell you ‘no’ if she’s digging you in the least. Also, if you have sex with her on the first date, don’t imprint, unless you’re sure she’s the one you want. If there is any doubt, don’t do it. You’ll know if you want to marry her in three months or less. You could even know in a few days, actually.”

  Heads shook ‘no’ all over the audience, grunts were made, and people shifted in seats.

  “That’s one of my statements that’s drawn the most reaction. If you know what to look for, you’ll know. It doesn’t take long. Mammals don’t take years to court, and all mammals do have a courting phase. The male just doesn’t jump on her.”

  Snickering erupted.

  “If you watch, the male does some showing off, and sometimes he may have to fight another male. Unfortunately, sometimes we do, too. Not with our fists, but by showing what we can do. We may have to lock horns with someone. Sometimes the adversary is her own fear! After the showing off is over, the mating call is done, then the male claims her and that’s it, but you never see a male mammal just go up to a female without a notable display. It may have only lasted five minutes, but it was a show before that chase ensued. I’m not here just to talk to you about how to fuck Black women. I’m here to talk to you about how to wife them up. Anyone who’s just here to get tips on how to get into a Black woman’s pants, you need to get the fuck out. They already have enough of that. They’re told by the media and men of their own race that no one wants them for anything other than to fuck, so what could you possibly have to offer that’s different from what they already know? Besides the color of your skin, you have to have something different to bring to the table. Don’t pursue them if you don’t have a job. Don’t pursue them if you’re unintelligent or don’t care about your appearance and how you conduct your business. They’re being told they’re a cubic zirconia when actually they’re crystal-clear, rare diamonds. Now we even hear white women dogging Black women because they see what you’re doing. That sneaky, slave-master rape shit’s over. We’re actively pursuing these women out in the open. Now, the coveted white woman who’s been on a pedestal worldwide is having her position challenged. The former self-proclaimed beauty queen of the world is wobbling. The original ‘queen’ is about to get her crown back. You can’t tell her that her big lips are ugly, her ass too big, her skin too dark, her hair too nappy, while you steadily get lip and ass injections, butt pads, artificial suntans, curly perms, and dye your hair black. The truth is exposed.”

  Everyone applauded.

  “Now, on to the part everyone has been waiting for. You want to know the A, B, Cs of making love to a Black woman? For those of you that have already had sex with a Black woman, forget about what happened, what you did, and what you were told. You need to start over. I assure you, you need to listen up. First of all, obviously their bodies are no different than those of another race; pussy is pussy. They don’t have a different moan or unheard-of desires. They aren’t more promiscuous than other women, nor do they fit any other stereotypes you may have heard. They want foreplay just like anyone else. Everything is the same except her skin tone and hair texture. Some of you get a charge out of seeing your white dick going in and out of something that’s brown. It’s supposed to turn you on. The thing that’ll be different is dealing with a woman that’s never dated outside of her race. She’ll be harder to break. You’ll have more hurdles to jump, but that doesn’t mean you don’t try. She could be the right person for you, so don’t give up on her if you suspect she likes you but is just scared unless you’ve tried multiple times and she’s still not interested. Take a break from the situation, then return to it. If the answer is still ‘no,’ then go hunting someone else. You don’t have a lot of time to waste, but you do want to practice some level of patience. She may be apprehensive and have some preconceived notions, one of which many race supremacists rely on. That myth is the penis length argument. She may be concerned that you’re going to come up short. If you do have a tiny dick, so what. Plenty of Black men do too! The largest dick on record belongs to a white German man. The truth of the matter is that white men on average have smaller penises than Black men only during the flaccid state. Flaccid dicks can’t fuck anyway, so that doesn’t matter. A hard dick is what’s sought after, so don’t believe the shit you’ve been told about this fictitious Black Mandingo. What helped spur some of this bullshit were white men who were jealous of Black male slaves, especially since their women wanted them because they appeared virile. They’d castrate some of these men out of rage and jealousy. No doubt the white men that did this had little dicks.”

  People laughed.

  “But some of them were too stupid to realize that if they wo
uld’ve compared their dicks while hard, it wouldn’t have been as vastly different. As far as Asian men, you do have smaller penises, but that’s because you’re smaller people. There are always exceptions of course, but my whole point is this – your dick size isn’t as important as you think it is, and it’s a mind trick being used against you. You need to know how to make love properly, and she won’t even be thinking about that. We think about it far more than women do anyway,” Saint said, as he shrugged his broad shoulders.

  “You need to know how to fuck properly. Even if you have a big cock, the size means nothing if you don’t know what you’re doing. You better have your eating game on point as well. There was a time when many Black men weren’t eating their women’s pussies, and that gave us an advantage. Now, they’re doing it, so we have to make sure our oral skills are better. Oral sex is crucial. You need to drink from her and she from you. It’s not just to get her off. Going down on her brings more of her spirit into your body. I’ll go more into that later. Stamina is also important. The very first time you make love to her, be there for the long haul. Quickies aren’t acceptable. You want her to be tired afterward. You want to fuck her so good that she falls asleep. That first time is crucial. It’s the only opportunity you’ll get to leave a first impression. Make sure she can feel you. I don’t mean beat the pussy up and be rough with her. I mean, do it right. Aggressive sex is fun, too, but it’s not appropriate when you’re with her the first time. Start slow and build up. Ask her what she likes and what she wants if you’re clueless. Most important, be dominant. Don’t let her control you in the bedroom that first time. You can get into that role play ‘mischievous boy and mean teacher’ shit later.”