The Naughty Sins Of A Saint

by Tiana Laveen

  “Oh, sorry. I’ve been too lazy to get up and refill my coffee mug so I’m still been drinking this cold cup. I just licked some of the coffee off my finger is all,” Xenia answered.

  To no avail, Saint tried desperately to push all the sordid, sexual thoughts out of his head that those words conjured up.

  “Interesting that you called me, actually,” he redirected, “I was going to call you, but not about the interview.”

  “Why would you contact me seeing as you’ve made it clear that you believe I threw you under the bus?”

  “Because my interest in you really has little to do with that brief interaction,” Saint explained.

  “Your interest in me? What interest in me?”

  “Have dinner with me, and I’ll explain it then.”

  “Dr. Aknaten, are you asking me out on a date?” Xenia laughed. “You can’t be serious.”

  “Yes, I am asking you on a date, and I’m very serious,” Saint answered as his heart rate increased.

  “You mean to tell me after that outlandish fight we got into here at the studio last week that you’d actually want to break bread with me? Now that’s truly comical, Dr. Aknaten. You just sat here and told me you didn’t want to do a second interview and cried like a bitch about the way I treated you a second ago. You’re not my type anyway, so I’ll have to decline your offer.” Despite her tough talk, Xenia couldn’t suppress a grin.

  “Did that feel good to you?” Saint asked, smiling on the other end of the phone.

  “Did what feel good?”

  “To tell me no and try to insult me just now?” Saint grinned.

  “As a matter of fact, yes, it did,” Xenia admitted. “I don’t like you, Dr. Aknaten. This is strictly a business call. I meant what I said to you – every word of it. While you were here, I didn’t want to argue with you anymore. You’re obnoxious. I know women throw themselves at you. I already admitted that you’re a very attractive man, and to make matters worse, you have a sexual reputation that paints the picture of complete whoredom. I’m sure your ego gets fed 24-7, but obviously it isn’t enough, now is it? Now you’re trying for the only woman who isn’t paying you any attention. You’re insatiable. I found out all about you. You suggested I do better research, and I did! I’m not into the shit you’re selling. I prefer to date brothas, and that’s what I’m sticking to.”

  “Is a brotha doing more than keeping you warm at night, Xenia?” Saint laughed. “You want more, and you can’t find it. I could see it in your eyes. Don’t hate the messenger. I’m not the enemy. Does the man you’re dating understand the things you say when you finally let your wall down? Does he know what size shoe you wear, your favorite places to go, the saddest event in your life, your favorite perfume? Could he identify you by a few strands of hair in his shower, or might they be from another chick he’s been doing? Does a brotha have a monopoly on the ability to love you, simply because you share similar ancestral backgrounds? Love and ancestry are two different things and have little to do with one another besides loving one’s culture. Has any brotha made love to you so completely that your body ached when he wasn’t around from real physical withdrawal? Yes, I was a whore, a proud one. I’m still quite perverted in the traditional sense of the word, but my whoredom and perversions, as you call it– I really like that word ‘whoredom’ by the way – I may have to borrow that,” Saint laughed, “My perversions would serve you well, over and over and over again.” Saint smiled. “I didn’t cry like a bitch. I never cry, but I bet you do once you realize another brotha has used you and left you, again. Don’t you?”

  “You’re a cavalier psychopath,” Xenia shouted. “You can’t handle me, Dr. Aknaten. You must know this. Look, as much as I’d like to keep up this pissing contest with you, I have to go. I have things to do, and you’re wasting my time by trying to get into my panties.”

  “I beg to differ. I can handle you, and that’s what you’re afraid of. I don’t try to get into anyone’s panties. I make panties drop on their own. Anyway, I’ll do the interview, Xenia, if you agree to have dinner with me tomorrow night.”

  Xenia sighed. “Really? Are you serious? So now you’re going to blackmail me.”

  “How is this blackmail? I’m offering you something you want in order to get something I want. It’s called bartering. It’s an equal trade. It’s been in existence since the beginning of time.”

  Xenia sighed, “And just how long does this dinner have to be, Dr. Aknaten? You aren’t fucking me, either, so please don’t get any grandiose ideas.”

  “I think it’s a bit premature to talk about what will and won’t happen, but regardless, the dinner should only last an hour or two, after which, you’re free to go. I can send a car to come pick you up around 7:00. I’ll rearrange my schedule so that I can see you tomorrow night. What time is this tentative interview where you’ll once again attempt to cut my balls off, forcing me to embarrass you over the air again?”

  Xenia laughed. “I truly can’t stand your ass. Everything about you is extremely irritating. You told me I was small. You’re the one who’s small. You need to look in the mirror.”

  “Not everything about me is irritating and small. I assure you,” Saint laughed.

  Xenia rolled her eyes. “No wonder so many people called and let you have it. Anyway, the interview, Dr. Aknaten, should be tomorrow morning. You don’t need to come by. We can tap you in via the internet. Seeing you just one time is enough for me. Do you have Skype?”

  “Yes,” Saint answered dryly. “I’d prefer to come in person though, and that’s what I’ll do.” He quickly hung up and walked back into the room to complete his meeting.

  “Gentlemen, there’s been a slight change of plans.”

  * * *

  “You’re on the air with Xenia Donnellson and our special guest, Dr. Saint Aknaten. Dr. Aknaten has been gracious enough to do another interview with us in response to so many of your requests. We have time for just one more call. Oz, you’re on the air. Please state your question or comment.” Xenia rolled her large, dark eyes at Saint. He winked at her, causing her to turn away quickly from him, more annoyed than seconds earlier.

  “Yeah, this is Oz. I’m a Black man, and I get where this cat is coming from. Us Black men are comin’ up short. We got sistas takin’ care of us, and lots of us did run to white women as soon as we got the chance. It’s like we want everything the white man has. If some of these Black women want to have a decent life, they’ll have to date dudes from other races. It’s as simple as that.”

  “But why would you say that Oz? Aren’t you capable of giving a Black woman ‘a decent life’ as you put it?” Xenia placed her ink pen behind her ear.

  “I say it because we aren’t treating y’all right. I wasn’t raised to act the way some of my friends and male relatives act. They just dog out our women so bad. All I want to date is Black women – don’t get me wrong – but this man is providing a service as far as I’m concerned. Black women need more men that are husband material, and we can’t foot the bill all the time. It is what it is!”

  “Dr. Aknaten, would you like to weigh in on Oz’s comments?”

  “Yes,” Saint said, as he removed his lightweight jacket, exposing a tight black shirt that clung to his muscles. His Rolex shone under the reflection of the studio light, and his eyes glowed as he propelled himself slightly forward, resting his elbows on the table. Xenia took notice of his shirt, watching his slim but muscular frame contort. “Thank you Oz, for your honesty. I think if more Black men were honest about this situation, they’d see that it really isn’t just a preference or choice, but a necessity. This is about survival and enjoyment of life for the Black woman. She can’t keep sacrificing herself for the greater cause all the time. It’ll destroy her. She’ll be annihilated. Holding the world on her shoulders is no longer the appropriate action to take. It’s time for someone to place her on his shoulders instead, cater to her and take her to places, emotional depths, she never knew existed.�
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  Xenia looked over at Saint, shaking her head as she grimaced.

  Saint held his right hand up to Xenia, spreading his middle and ring fingers apart in Star Trek formation then flicked his tongue in between them.

  Xenia’s eyes bucked in shock. Saint looked at her and leaned far back in his chair, laughing so hard that his eyes watered.

  “Uh, Dr. Aknaten, thank you so much for coming in today. That’s our time, Ladies and Gentlemen,” Xenia said, flustered. “Until next time, keep it crunk, and as I always say, have a Xenia-filled day.” Xenia cut off the broadcast as her producer started to spin music as the next show was scheduled to start.

  “Thank you for your time, Dr. Aknaten. I’m glad we didn’t get into any arguments this time around. I suppose you’re still going to force me to go out with you tonight.” Xenia looked at her computer.

  “I’m not forcing you to do anything,” Saint responded. “I offered my time with you this morning in exchange for your time with me this evening. Didn’t we already cover this? I keep a pretty hectic schedule right now, but I made it work. We traded something we both wanted. Now, if you’re trying to renege, that shows me once again that you’re afraid of me when you have no reason to be.” He stood up and rubbed his hand through his hair.

  Xenia laughed. “See, you’re starting shit again. You’re trying to provoke me,” she smiled.

  “I’m not starting anything. I’m just stating the facts,” Saint clarified.

  “You’re one of those people who call others player haters when they have genuine complaints about you. I’m not afraid of you! What’s there to be afraid of? I mean, seriously?” Xenia laughed in annoyance.

  “You’re afraid that if you go out with me, you may actually like me and have a good time. That would mean all of your Black power, Black love, and Black world would come into question. Your wall of falsehoods would come tumbling down. We both know it’s true. You use that as part of your platform. If you enjoy the romantic company of a non-Black man, a non-brotha, that would make you a sell-out. I don’t think you hate me at all, Ms. Donnellson. You protest entirely too much for it to be hatred. Matter of fact, I think this is a hunt-and-chase situation. You want me to chase you like a dog chases a pussy…cat. I think you know what this is about, and you know I’m right. I’ve been hunting for a long-ass time. I’m a pro at this shit. I just finally ran into someone who’s worth chasing, and I’m more than ready. I’ll see you at 7:00.” Saint walked out of the studio, closing the door behind him.

  “I don’t like your ass, and I never will!” Xenia called out as she slammed her pen down on the table. “Fucking conceited bastard!” she yelled, causing her producer to look up at her in confusion.

  * * *

  “Where are you taking her?” Raphael asked as he bit into a Bartlett pear from the complimentary fruit basket sent to his suite. Saint continued to dress, looking over himself repeatedly in the mirror. He smiled as he did a 360-degree turn.

  “To a local park. I have a special surprise for her there. I had a picnic dinner prepared from the head chef here at the hotel.” Saint deliberated whether to undo another button of his lavender Burberry shirt.

  “How do I look?” he asked Raphael. “Oh, I want you to make her a tennis bracelet for me. Keep that in mind. I want pink diamonds all around it – no, make that pink and chocolate diamonds. I’m sure you can hook up a gorgeous design.”

  “She gets a bracelet already? Shit, I need the business. Don’t get me wrong, but a tennis bracelet with that type of bling? You might not even like her! Whatever, Man. I’ll take care of it as soon as we get back to New York. I’ll hook it up.”

  “I know what I know, Raphael. This is just red tape as far as I’m concerned. We’re just going through the necessary motions to get to the finish line.” Saint continued to check himself out in the mirror.

  “So is your plan to bring her here afterwards and bang those guts?” Raphael teased as he yawned.

  “Not really. She said she’s not getting down with me like that, and you know she wrote that book about waiting for three months,” Saint said as he turned his back and looked over his shoulder in the full-length mirror. “She acts like she hates me, so I’m sure she’ll want to keep up appearances for a while,” Saint winked. “But there is, of course, the art of seduction. I do plan to break her down. I want to expedite this. It can go fast if I hit the right parts of her vibration. One slip up though, and I’ll be starting over from scratch. She’s tricky.”

  Raphael nodded. “Have a great time, Man. Thanks for inviting me, too. I’ve been having a great time myself. I had no idea what you did was this serious. I see why you kept me away from your professional life as much as possible, considering the circumstances. I’m proud of you, though I can’t deny some of it pisses me off. I can’t help but take some of that shit personally, but do your thing, Man,” Raphael shrugged.

  Saint nodded in understanding. “I totally get that. If I were you, I’d probably feel the same way. This is bigger than you, though. It’s about Black women and men like me. It’s about what we need.” Saint gave himself one more look-over. “Well, I have to go. Have fun tonight, and remember you’re a married man, so don’t have your wife calling me talking about some shit you did on this trip.”

  “I won’t. I’m a year older than you, so stop trying to run daddy on me,” Raphael teased. “I’ll have to bring Latrice and the kids out here next time. They’d have a blast. The kids miss Uncle Saint.”

  “We can arrange that,” Saint said as he walked out the door. T-Rex dutifully led him down to the car.

  * * *

  Xenia stood outside her charming Cape Cod home, dressed in black from head to toe. Her off-shoulder jersey blouse featured a kitten with devil’s horns and was layered with a long, black tanktop underneath. Skin-tight black leggings hugged the curves of her taut thighs and shapely calves. Her black kitten heels were a perfect complement to the ensemble. The driver promptly exited the car and opened her door, allowing her to step inside as he took a generous glance at her backside. Xenia’s thick, natural hair was pulled back elegantly with a large red flower barrette on the side. A gold chain swung from her neck with a red rose matching pendant. Saint took notice of her gold anklet before looking back up at her face, taking great pleasure in studying her full, glossy lips. T-Rex rode up front while the two had their privacy behind the partition.

  “Hello, Saint,” Xenia said with resentment.

  “Hello, Xenia. So glad that you’re happy to see me,” he teased. “You look really pretty.” Saint slid over, allowing her to sit next to him. She looked at him out of the corner of her eye, loving the smell of his cologne.

  Saint inhaled and exhaled quickly, trying to take in her scent. He smiled at the familiar floral perfume he had grown to quickly love.

  “Try to enjoy yourself tonight,” he said as he clasped his hands together. Xenia rolled her eyes.

  “Shut up,” she uttered as she looked around the car, then out the window. Saint smiled, leaned back, and closed his eyes as he rested.

  “Where are we going?” she asked as she crossed her long legs. Saint pointed to the picnic basket and bottle of wine beside him. “We’re having a dinner picnic in Griffith Park,” Saint answered. Xenia smiled then quickly wiped her face somber again. Saint did not miss her appreciative expression before it rapidly disappeared. After twenty-three minutes of pure silence, the driver pulled into the park.

  “I haven’t been here in forever,” Xenia said, as she beamed and got out of the car. Saint watched her eyes shine with happiness as she looked around. He carried the basket in one hand and took her hand with his other. Xenia looked down at their intertwined fingers as they walked up a slight hill. Her purse fell off her shoulder, the contents spilling out and rolling in various directions. Xenia bent down and picked up the rolling lipstick, clear gloss, tampons, powder puff, loose change, and other items while Saint knelt down, hovering above the grass as he scooped up a small perfume,
iPhone, and round compact and put them in her hand. When they finished, they stood back up simultaneously, and he immediately grabbed her hand again. She clenched her bottom lip with her teeth before gently pulling away, freeing her hand from Saint’s hold. Saint looked at her earnestly, causing her to relax slightly as she allowed her fingers to dangle along his fingertips. He set the oversized basket down at a spot that caught the setting sun at the perfect angle, going down in the purple, pink, and dark-violet sky. The night scene was approaching as Saint pulled a large black blanket from the basket and spread it across the ground. He then meticulously placed the foods and beverages off to the side.

  “Come sit down here with me,” he requested as he sat cross-legged on the blanket. Xenia hesitated, and then sat down, keeping a good distance.

  “I brought fresh crab meat, shrimp scampi, cheese and crackers, dirty rice, sauteed green peppers, a mini-Dutch apple pie, and a bottle of Barbaresco Gaja - 2001. I also have some fresh pineapple.” Saint set everything out before her. Xenia turned away and cracked up laughing. She shook her head in disbelief. Saint smiled, understanding her reaction.

  “Smooth, Saint. OK, real funny about the pineapple, but how did you find out my favorite foods? It’s not online,” she asked, sucking her teeth.

  “I have my ways. That’s not important though. I know you’re hungry.” The two engaged in small-talk as they enjoyed their picnic. Saint watched as Xenia picked up a dripping slice of pineapple and consider it, turning it gradually in her hand, then lifting it up to her moist lips. She sucked gently as she pulled it away from the rind. The sound of her laughter, her sexy, slightly raspy voice, and the way she tilted her head when she laughed fed his soul until he was ready to burst. Xenia looked down at her black pants and gently brushed away the crumbled bits of cracker crumbs with the side of her hand. She lifted her head slowly back up and looked at Saint closely. Their eyes locked on one another until Xenia finally broke the mutual trance.