Succubus Shadows gk-5

by Richelle Mead

  “I saw her face afterward,” I said. “It was probably close enough. I can’t believe you’re seriously saying you’d never come back to Seattle just to avoid her.”

  “She’s not the only one I’d be avoiding.” Again, he tried to tuck the unruly hair back. When he failed again, he simply slid his hand down my arm, tracing its curves with his fingertips. “I don’t think I can handle seeing you either. Even being with you now…it’s like the best thing in the world and the worst. Seeing you all the time would just drive home how we can’t be together—and we would see each other all the time, you know. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that fate doesn’t let you and me stay apart for long.”

  Seth’s words were such an odd contradiction. On one side, they were all filled with love and romantic sentiment about how agonizing his life was without me. Yet…there was more than just that. There was a defeatist attitude throughout it all, one I’d never seen in him before. Somewhere in all of this, Seth had gained a new bitterness, and I had the uneasy thought that if I could see his soul like Hugh could, the stain of sin would be even darker than before. I made one more attempt.

  “Pull me out of the equation. You have to go back for your family. They need you. Andrea’s sick.”

  “Everyone gets sick. That’s not a convincing argument.”

  “No…you don’t understand. They didn’t tell you. She doesn’t have the flu…she’s got cancer.”

  That got a reaction. His expression went rigid. “No, she doesn’t.”

  “She does. Brandy told me.”

  “She must have been confused,” he said adamantly. “They would have told me.”

  “I don’t think she’d mistake ‘cold’ for ‘ovarian cancer.’ And do you think she’d make something like that up?”

  He considered a moment. “No, no, she wouldn’t. But why didn’t they say anything?”

  “I guess they didn’t tell anyone so they could find out more. Don’t you see?” I leaned closer, hoping to drive home my plea. “They need you. You have to go home for them.”

  For a moment, I thought I had him, and then he slowly shook his head. “They’ll be fine without me. And you said yourself they’re waiting to find out more. It might not be that bad.”

  “Seth! It’s cancer. It’s going to be some level of bad, regardless. How can you abandon them?”

  “Damn it,” he said, about as angry as I ever saw him—which always came off pretty mild. “I don’t need a moral angel on my shoulder right now. Just let me…just let me be selfish for once. I want to just be away from it all. I want to hide from my problems for once, instead of always being the responsible one. If you’re just here to torment me with what can or can’t be, then you should just…you should just go. Let me hide out and be free. Let me write the new series and forget about everything else.”

  It was almost a mirror of what I’d done so long ago. Only, instead of trying to forget my problems, I made everyone forget me. Sometimes, I kind of wished I added that last part to the bargain. Consequently, I could understand where he was coming from. I could understand that longing to just make all the bad things disappear. I’d wanted it too. I’d made it happen. The thing was, I’d expected more from him than from me. Sensing my hesitation, he cupped my face between his hands and drew me down into a small kiss. I drew back and stared in astonishment.

  “What was that?” I asked.

  “I might ultimately be trying to avoid you, but if I’ve got you now, I might as well enjoy it for the moment.” There was a wicked gleam in his eyes, one I couldn’t help but smile at, despite all the misgivings within me.

  “You’re a hypocrite,” I said.

  “An opportunist,” he countered. “What are you really doing here, Georgina? What do you want?”

  I lowered my gaze. I didn’t know. I didn’t know why I was here. I’d come to make sure he was okay…but then what? I was always going back and forth. I loved him. I had to forget him. Back and forth.

  “I don’t know,” I admitted. “That’s the best I’ve got.”

  And with no more deliberation, I kissed him again, longer this time, surprised at how easy it was to fall back into the kinds of kisses we used to do—the ones that just pushed the envelope of when I started to take his energy. He seemed like he was ready to go further, so I was the one who stopped him and returned to lying against him as we watched the sun sink down and paint the sky with brilliant colors. He gave no protest, seeming content just to have me close.

  We ate dinner inside one of the resort’s restaurants, my lack of packing not being a problem with shape-shifting. I pulled out a sexy v-cut evening dress whose violet shade reminded me of our first meeting. And as we talked and drank over dinner, our conversation slipped into the funny, comfortable manner we’d always shared. With Maddie removed from the equation, it was exactly as he’d said: so much had changed yet not changed. The rapport, the connection…it all burned between us—as did the sexual tension while we studied each other intently through the effortless conversation. He came alive more than I’d seen him in a while, but whether that was from the drinks or his freedom, I couldn’t say.

  Though my heart sang at finally being with him again, I was still battered with a million doubts. He’d told me to push them aside, but it was hard. Maddie. His underlying pessimism. His desire for escape. His family. My own selfishness.

  But when we finished dinner, all such worries fled. As soon as we were back in his room—a wide and spacious suite that looked out to the now-dark water—we were all over each other. The longing that had built up between us exploded. His hands undid the zipper of my dress, peeling it from my body. We fell onto the bed, and I tore at his shorts, reason and responsibility nonexistent. His hands ran the length of my body, down the sides of my hips while his mouth moved from my collarbone to the spot between my breasts and then finally onto one of the breasts and its hardened nipple.

  I was prying off his pants when I felt the glow of life energy start to creep into me. For a few moments, I was able to ignore its implications. I just wanted him. I wanted to feel what I’d felt months ago when his body had been in mine and I’d had that sense of perfect union. The life energy was an aphrodisiac, enhancing the desire my physical body felt.

  Maybe it was a kneejerk reaction from the days of dating, but once more, I was the one who had to stop it all. I put some distance between us, though we were still intertwined.

  “Okay,” I said, my heart pounding in my chest. “We’re about to cross the line.”

  There was lust in Seth’s eyes. Lust and love and that same burning need I had to reach ultimate completion. “We crossed it a little, didn’t we?” he asked breathlessly. “I felt it.”

  “Yeah,” I admitted. “Not much.” Not much is too much.

  He frowned a little, his hand still running over my leg. So, so dangerous. A little more and we would teeter over the edge again.

  “I’ve felt it before,” he said. “When you started to take some of me. Just a vague sense, but it was there. Somehow…somehow, it didn’t seem quite as bad this time.”

  He was right, and that was because of that slight darkening on his soul. Sure, he was nowhere near as bad as a lot of Hell-bound people, but even that slight mark made a difference. I could feel it. Before, he’d been pristine and pure, all sparking silver and undiluted life. Most of it was still there…save that slight shadow, a shadow that I suspected was increasing the more he decided to turn his back on the people in his life. And the darker a soul was, the less of it I took.

  “You’re right.” I didn’t bother getting into the technicalities. “But it’d still be bad.”

  “Too bad to risk just one time?”

  An old argument. “What happened to you giving me up?”

  “I will if I have to. I was ready to. But that was before you came here…you still haven’t told me why, what you want. I’d do it again. I’d be together again, but no more physical boundaries.” He cut off my protests. “I know, I kno
w the risks. And I know—as should you—that what’s between us is about more than sex. But that was still a thorn, no matter how much we knew it shouldn’t be. I don’t want anything like that happening again. I’ll take the risk. It’s my choice.”

  “I—I don’t know. I just don’t…”

  “Well, that’s better than ‘I can’t.’” He chuckled. He moved closer, his lips just brushing mine. “And if you decide no, then that’s how it’ll be. But maybe…maybe just this once we could…maybe just once you could give in….”

  I closed my eyes as his lips pressed against mine once more, harder this time, and our bodies moved back together. Again, he was right. I could almost give in this time. I’d been through too much recently, so much emotional and spiritual upheaval. Being with him felt like the most natural thing in the world right now…but my warning alarms were still going off. If I shortened his life with a dark soul, he’d be that much closer to Hell.

  “No,” I said at last. It was growing more difficult to keep pulling back. “I still can’t. Not yet. I’m not saying never…I just. I’m so confused. I’m sorry.”

  He looked disappointed, but to my relief, he didn’t push the issue again. I might not have been able to resist if he did. “But you’ll stay? You’ll stay the night with me at least?”

  I nodded. “I can stay for three days.”

  “Three days. That’s perfect. I can handle that. Three more days to think about it all. If we can stay together…then we will. If we can’t, then I’ll be alone until there’s another Georgina.” His wry tone indicated his doubts about that. “For now, this is enough.”

  We lounged in each other’s arms naked after that, miraculously managing to keep things from escalating. Of course, it was a skill we’d perfected while dating, so we fell into it naturally—though also reluctantly. We stayed up talking for a long time, as though we hadn’t seen each other for years and had a lifetime to catch up on. Which really wasn’t that far from the truth.

  At last, he slept, but I was restless. I watched his peaceful breathing in the darkness, his sleep heavy from the drinks. His skin was warm against mine, and I felt safer than I had in a while.

  Three days. We’d have these three days, and for a little longer, I could pretend he was mine again, just like he used to be. If I chose, I could even make this permanent. I’d told him I’d think about it. The one problem with it all was that things weren’t like they used to be. The dream replayed in my head, the dream that might have been a lie. Seth had been the man in the dream, the one I could have been with if what the Oneroi had showed me was true. But was this Seth lying in my arms the man in the dream? The one I’d dreamed of had been infinitely kind and good—the one I’d fallen in love with. The real Seth had changed—gradually, yes…but the change was there.

  It was wrong of me to judge, seeing as part of the change over the last year had been a result of me in his life. Yet, once more, that selfish part inside me thought he should have resisted. I’d fallen for Seth because of his moral character, something that always attracted me to a man. Ironic and possibly hypocritical for a servant of Hell. I still loved Seth, still felt that connection, but things were off now. This bitterness, this attitude that made him want to lock himself away in easy, selfish retreat was not what I’d expected of him. I’d expected more.

  I didn’t want to lose him. I wanted these last few days with him. I wanted forever with him, but if I stayed, I’d be furthering this attitude I hated. I’d encourage the darkness to build within him. I didn’t want to see it. And as much as I loved him and yearned to cling to a few more moments with him, I realized staying with this Seth who disappointed me so much was a bad idea. Seth had said he’d rather be alone than be with the wrong woman. I’d rather be apart from him than see him like this. I wanted my memories of him to stay pure.

  And so, though it broke my heart, I untangled myself from him. In his heavy sleep, he didn’t stir. Again, the hypocrisy wasn’t lost on me. I’d tried so many times to coax him into one drink, and now I looked down on him for using cocktails as a way to dull the pain. How stupid, I thought, that his darkened soul made it easier for us to finally be together…and yet, for my heart, it made it impossible.

  I shape-shifted into jeans and a light tank top and found some hotel stationery. On it, I scrawled:

  Seth,

  I’m sorry—but I have to leave. I told you I’d consider everything, but I was wrong. I love you too much to stay.

  Cryptic much? A meager way to express all those feelings, but somehow, I suspected he’d understand. He knew me. I left it on the bedside table and then watched him for a few moments, admiring the man I loved and always would. Finally, my eyes wet, I turned away and left the room to catch a taxi to the airport.

  Chapter 23

  “Where’ve you been?” asked Roman.

  I hadn’t landed in Seattle until later the next day. Turns out getting flights from Mexico to the Pacific Northwest can take a little longer than immortal teleportation, particularly on short notice.

  “To the edge of the known world and back,” I said, falling onto the couch. Both cats came to me, which I took with some smugness, seeing as they usually fawned all over Roman.

  “So, what, South Dakota?”

  I made a face and covered my eyes with one arm. My trip to locate Seth had only taken twenty-four hours, but really, that was a lot to endure in so short a time. “I found Seth.”

  “Oh.” Roman’s enthusiasm dimmed considerably. “I guess his disappearance wasn’t as milk carton–worthy as Maddie made it sound.”

  “Well, I had to—literally—call in a demonic favor to hunt him down.”

  “And? Are you guys running into the sunset together now that he’s free?”

  The mention of sunset made me flinch, recalling how Seth and I had held each other on the beach. “Not quite. I…left him.”

  “What’s that mean exactly?”

  I tried to explain all that had gone down with Seth, but it wasn’t easy. It was almost too much for my brain to wade through, let alone articulate to someone else. When I finished, I felt even more exhausted than before.

  “So that’s it? You’re never going to see each other again?” Roman’s voice was skeptical.

  “He said he’s not coming back, and I didn’t stick around. So, yeah.”

  “I have a hard time believing that. Is he just going to live at that hotel permanently? Even he can’t make that much money.”

  “No, he mentioned at dinner that he’d be settling down somewhere else. He just hasn’t decided where.”

  All was quiet between us for a minute or so. The only sounds were the traffic outside and Aubrey purring near my ear. At last, Roman asked, “Are you okay?”

  I glanced over at him in surprise. “What do you mean?”

  “Exactly what I said. This can’t be easy on you. I mean, you haven’t even had any downtime since the Oneroi.”

  I don’t know why his words caught me by surprise. I guess it was because amidst all the woes that were always going on in my life, few people ever asked if I was okay. Maybe they’d given up asking because depressing things were so commonplace for me. How weird, I thought, that Roman had swung from sociopathic to compassionate while Seth had fallen down a darker path. Of course, I had no hard evidence that Roman wasn’t actually a compassionate sociopath. Still, I gave him a smile of gratitude.

  “I am okay—or will be eventually. Thanks.”

  There must have been something in my smile that gave him hope or just made him feel inspired because his own smile grew radiant. I’d forgotten just how beautiful it was, the way it could light up his face. We left dangerous topics alone after that but spent the rest of the night hanging out together. I wasn’t totally okay by any means, but it was nice to simply be ordinary for a while and free of drama. I wondered if that’s what my life would be like now—and what role Roman would play.

  Still, adjusting to a world without Seth wasn’t easy over the next few
days. Even when he’d been with Maddie, even when the sight of him had caused me pain, he’d still been there. And I’d known he was there. Now, the knowledge that he was gone and that he wasn’t coming back left a strange emptiness in my heart, even as the rest of my life began to stabilize.

  I returned to work, a good thing for the store because Maddie had taken some much-needed time off. I checked on her via Doug and offered to go to her if needed, despite knowing I wouldn’t enjoy listening to her mourn for Seth. Of course, since I was doing the same thing, maybe I shouldn’t have been so quick to turn down commiseration.

  “She just wants to be alone right now,” Doug said, leaning in my doorway. He had no joke today, none of his usual wackiness. “Still upset—but she’s a trouper. I’ll let you know when she’s ready to see anyone.”

  “Okay.” My heart went out to her. “Keep me posted.”

  It was nearing closing time, and I went out to the store’s main part to help with some of the evening tasks. A few of the staff members were already going home. One of them was Gabrielle. And she was leaving with Cody.

  “What’s going on?” I whispered to him while she went to get her purse. He wasn’t even wearing black.

  “We’ve gone out a couple times since…well, while you’ve been distracted.” He sounded apologetic for his happiness.

  “That’s fantastic,” I said. Love was managing to survive somewhere in this world. “What changed her mind? The concert?”

  “A little. I think that opened the door. She’s really excited that I’ll only hang out at night. And that I can show her real vampires.”

  “What? You managed to convince her Peter was a vampire?” To the average human, that would be even less likely than Cody being a vampire.

  “No, of course not.” His lovesick expression hardened a little. “But Milton—you know that vampire from Eugene?—he’s been in town this week. Claims he’s visiting friends.” Vampires were very territorial about their hunting grounds, even ones like Peter and Cody who rarely took victims and didn’t kill when they did. “He hasn’t caused any trouble, but I don’t buy that vacation thing. It’s as ridiculous as Simone just visiting.”