More Than Her

by McLean, Jay

  NINETEEN

  Logan

  When I woke up the next morning, she wasn't in her bed.

  She was sitting in the living room, coffee in hand. I sat next to her, but her eyes didn't move from staring down at the floor.

  I put my arm around her and brought her into me. She didn't resist. "When do you have to leave?"

  She removed my arm and stood up. "Tomorrow."

  "What?" I followed her as she walked to the kitchen. She put her mug in the sink then turned to face me.

  My forearm landed on her shoulders. "I don't want you to go."

  "I don't want to go, Logan." Her voice broke.

  "So what do we do?" I put both my arms around her neck and pulled her into me.

  Her arms went around my waist. We held each other tight.

  "We do nothing. You stay here and go to college and I go home and work."

  "But I don't want you to go," I repeated. Maybe if I said it enough, she wouldn't. I pulled back and rest my forehead on hers.

  "So you've said," she whispered.

  I licked my lips.

  I saw her lick hers.

  "So I've said," I breathed out.

  I felt her fingers tighten, gripping the back of my shirt. Her eyes fall shut and she moved her head to the side so her nose rubbed against mine.

  "Amanda?"

  "Mm?"

  "I really, really want you to stay."

  I brought her in closer again so her body was flush with mine.

  She moaned.

  "In fact," I started. "I really, really need you to stay."

  And then I kissed her, softy. Just enough that our lips touched.

  And that's how we stayed, for seconds, minutes, hours, who knows.

  Our arms around each other, holding on. Mouths touching, but not moving. Eyes closed. Breaths heavy.

  And then I moved.

  I pushed her slowly until her back was to the counter, and my mouth moved on hers, slowly kissing her.

  But she didn't kiss back. And it fucking hurt. Because as much as I wanted her, I think I needed her more. I've never needed anything more than her.

  When I pulled away, I could see the tears forming in her eyes. "We can't, Logan." Her voice broke again. She straightened up.

  "Why not?" I whispered, still holding onto her tightly.

  "Because." She pulled back and moved her head to my shoulder. "Because you'll be here and I'll be there."

  "So what?"

  She was quiet for a while, before she removed herself from my hold completely and leaned back on the counter, crossing her arms in front of her. "So, college relationships are hard. You may be with someone, or even love them. But when you don't get that something physically, it's hard not to be tempted. And there are way too many temptations in college."

  I shook my head at her, "Any asshole that has you, and is stupid enough to lose you, is a fucking idiot, Amanda. Trust me. I would know."

  ***

  Logan: I need your help.

  Dad: Anything.

  ***

  I was walking to the field entrance for practice a few hours later, when I saw her. There was always a bunch of people waiting around outside the gates, but I didn't expect to see Amanda. She was sitting cross legged on a bench, loose shirt hanging off her shoulder and those cut off shorts. Her eyes cast downwards, focused on the textbook in her lap.

  A couple girls called out my name, getting her attention. I ignored them and walked straight to her.

  "What's up?" I dropped my gear bag on the floor in front of the bench and sat next to her. "How did you know I was here?"

  "Micky." She shrugged, closing her book and putting it in her bag. She turned to face me, legs still crossed.

  The sun hit her eyes, making them extra blue. She squinted. Her nose scrunched. She was pretty fucking adorable.

  Her hand moved to her head to block out the sun, but it didn't work.

  I laughed.

  She giggled.

  I took my cap off, and put it on her head. It was way too big and fell over her eyes. Her body slumped and she pouted. I laughed again, adjusting it so I could see her face, and moved to the side to block out the sun. “Better?" I asked.

  "Much."

  "So?"

  "So."

  "What?"

  "What?"

  "Huh?"

  "Huh?"

  I laughed and gently shook her with my hands on her upper arms. "Quit being cute, what are you doing here?"

  I shook her so much my cap fell over her eyes again.

  She pouted, again.

  It was fucking adorable, again.

  The sound of whips formed in my mind.

  "So my mom rang earlier."

  I tried to contain my smile. "Yeah?"

  "Yeah. She got a job. Can you believe it?"

  "Huh. Luck must be on her side."

  "Yeah, it could be luck. Or it could be something else. I mean, she got a job as a receptionist at a doctors practice."

  "Yeah?"

  "Yeah. A Doctor Matthews..."

  I bit my lip to try to stop the huge grin that'd taking over my face.

  She continued, "Yeah. He called her...said a friend of his recommended her services. Apparently they were desperate. She starts tomorrow."

  "Well, that's good, right?"

  "Yeah. It just seems like a coincidence, you know?"

  "What is?"

  "That she gets a job a with a Doctor Matthews..." She paused for dramatic effect. "Hey!" She shoved me lightly, exaggerating a gasp. "Your dad's a doctor, right? A Doctor Matthews?"

  I shook my head. "What are you saying? Are you accusing me of something?" I took her hands in mine.

  "Yeah, I am. I'm accusing you of being awesome!"

  I laughed.

  "Thank you, Logan." She scooted closer to me. She had our linked hands between us.

  I moved them to the side so I could get closer to her. "You're welcome."

  And then she kissed me. On my lips. Just once. But it was enough. I'd done at least one thing right by her.

  "What are you doing now?" I asked, our fingers still locked.

  "Probably catch the bus home."

  I really didn't like her catching the bus. It's not far, but it's far enough. Plus, I think I remember Micky telling me about a guy licking her elbow once.

  "I've only got a short session. I'll be done in an hour. Can you hang around here?"

  She bit her lip, looking down. "Okay."

  "Okay." I nodded my head.

  She took my cap off and placed it back on my head. Then scrunched her nose and flipped it backwards.

  "Better," she said, before moving in and kissing me.

  Amanda

  I knew the girls outside the stadium were laughing at me, and I get it. Logan Matthews talking to me. It was funny, but whatever. Fuck them. It'd only been about half an hour since he left but the temperature had dropped a shitload and I didn't bring a sweater. I was freezing my ass off waiting for him. I was about to text him and tell him that I'd just meet him at home when I heard those girls giggling again. I looked up to see him walking towards me. My eyes went wide when I took him in. It's the first time I'd seen him in his baseball gear and holy shit he looked good, better than good.

  "Busted!" He smirked.

  Shit. I can't even deny it.

  When he got closer, I could see him holding his team jacket in his hand. "You cold?" He started to open the jacket.

  "Yeah." I yelled. I don't know if he could hear me over the sound of the wind.

  He stood in front of me, and put his jacket over my shoulders. I put my arms in the holes.

  "Turn around," he said.

  I was confused but I did it anyway.

  He pulled out my hair from the under the jacket, and I zipped it up. When I looked up, I could see the girls glaring at me, their hands covering their mouths as they talked shit.
<
br />   He turned me to face him, but his eyes were narrowed at the girls.

  "You came out just to give me this?" I asked, trying to get his attention.

  His eyes moved from them to me. "Well, yeah. I can't have you sitting out in the cold."

  And just then, a crack of thunder sounded and the rain poured down on us, instantly soaking us.

  "Holy shit!" He picked up my bag, grabbed my hand and led me inside the stadium.

  The few seconds it took for us to get in, was all the rain needed to get us drenched.

  Once we were safely inside, he took his cap off and shook out his hair. I watched him. This boy—no, this man, looking hot as hell in his uniform. And I wanted him. Bad.

  He puts his cap back on and turned to face me. Then a smile pulled on his lips and I knew he'd caught me, again.

  He moved closer to me, and started walking me backwards until I hit a wall. His hands gripped my waist, and his body covered mine.

  "Busted." He whispered in my ear. "If I catch you looking at me like that again, we're going to have a huge fucking problem." One hand moved under my jacket so it touched my bare back. His skin on mine was scorching. "Because from now on, when I close my eyes, I'm going to see you, in my uniform, and nothing else." He made a moaning sound from deep in his throat. "Fuck baby, I'm getting hard just thinking about it." He gripped my thigh and lifted it so my leg wrapped around him and he was in between me. I could feel him, hard, against my center,

  I couldn't help the moan that escaped. I tried to swallow, but my throat was too dry. Then his mouth was on my neck, sucking, slowly moving higher. I tilted my head, wanting more of him. His lips brushed against mine. His tongue darted out and licked my bottom lip. And then he backed away. But I gripped his shirt in my hands and pulled him back, bringing his mouth to mine.

  And I kissed him.

  Because if he needed to know that it was okay for him to kiss me, then I'd show him.

  The second our tongues met, he let out a low groan. His hand on my back moved lower, and lower, until it was under my shorts, and under my panties, cupping my bare ass. "Mm," he moaned, never taking his mouth off mine.

  I started to untuck his shirt from his. I wanted to touch him too. I wanted to touch him everywhere. I wanted to feel him everywhere.

  His mouth never stopped moving and our tongues never stopped playing. It was slow and soft, but he was in full control.

  I lost mine the minute he looked at me with lust clear in his eyes.

  He pressed further into my center and I felt him again, rock hard against my core.

  He started a rhythm, grinding into me. One of my legs was on the floor, the other wrapped around him. I started moving too. And slowly, we started moving together. "Oh God, Logan." I kissed him harder, softy biting his bottom lip.

  His mouth moved from mine, down to my jaw, to my neck, to my collarbone. He slowly ran his tongue along there, lower, and lower, until he reached my chest.

  "Oh, shit," I whispered. I was panting, moaning, moving, gripping, all of it, all at once. My nails dug into his back. "Oh, shit," I said again. I had no control over what came out of my mouth when he did these things to me.

  He gripped my ass tighter. I let out a sound I had no idea I was capable of. I was so fucking turned on. His movements on me were making me so fucking wet I could feel it soaking my panties. His mouth moved from my neck to me ear, "You gotta quit making those sounds, baby." He kissed the spot behind it. "I'm starting to lose it."

  Then he took my mouth in his, moving into me harder, pinning me to the wall. My leg on the floor moved to wrap around him. I needed him closer to me; I needed more of him.

  He started to build a rhythm again. I felt that slow burn building low in my stomach. I didn't know how the fuck he was doing it. Or what the fuck he was even doing. But I didn't want it to stop. Ever. "Oh my God, Logan." I was panting; my head threw back against the wall. He was on my neck. Sucking. Hard. He was going to leave a mark. I wanted him to.

  "Matthews! What the fuck are you doing?" A deep voice yelled.

  I screamed, dropped my legs, ducked, and hid behind him.

  Oh. My. God.

  Reality set in.

  What the fuck were we doing?

  "Fuck," he spat. His hand went down his pants to adjust himself, before turning around.

  "What the fuck do you think this is, Matthews?"

  "Sorry, Coach."

  Oh. My. God.

  Kill me now.

  "Go home!" I was too embarrassed to look past Logan to see his coach's reaction.

  "Yes Sir." Logan sounded like he was about to laugh.

  What the hell?

  "I'll cover for you." His coach sounded different now, like he was trying to contain his own laughter. "Fuck, I wish I was in college again," he said, before I heard his footsteps walking away.

  I don't know what emotion was on my face when Logan turned to me, but he laughed.

  Fucking laughed.

  "This shit's not funny!" I whispered loudly. "I almost let you have me." I motioned with my finger at our surroundings. "Right here!"

  He didn't respond. Just looked me up and down and licked his lips. His eyes settled on my face, as he brought his hand up to cup my cheek.

  And then his face was so close to mine; I could feel his breath on my lips. He rubbed his nose against mine. "Wait here," he said, his voice low, laced with desire. "We're not even close to being done. I'm going to take you home and I'm going to fucking finish what I started. And when I'm done with you, you won't even remember what happened just now. All you'll remember is how I make you feel when you're screaming my name."

  Logan

  She hadn't said a word since we started driving home. I couldn't even glance at her long enough to figure out what she was feeling because the rain was so heavy I could barely see a foot in front of the car.

  "I can't see shit," I told her, wiping the windshield with my sleeve.

  She stayed silent.

  I slowed down enough so that could look at her quickly. Her eyes were shut tight and she was gripping the sides of the seat so tight her knuckles turned white. Her face was pale. I could see her chest heaving from her erratic breathing.

  What the hell?

  I was about to ask if she was okay when her phone sounded.

  My concentration went back to the road, but I heard her answer. "Hey," she greeted.

  "Yeah, I was on my way home...."

  "Logan's driving..."

  "Okay, hang on..."

  To me, she said, "E wants to talk to you, I'll put it on speaker."

  The next sound was Ethan's voice. "Dude, can you pull over somewhere safe?"

  I did as he asked, took the phone off speaker and put it to my ear. I never took my eyes off Amanda.

  "What's up?" I said into the phone.

  "How is she?"

  Her feet were on the seat, her knees drawn up, her head between them. "What's going on?"

  "She just...has a thing...with this weather." He spoke cautiously. "Could you just stay put until the weather clears?"

  "Sure." I hung up, put her phone in the console and stroked the hair gently. "Amanda?"

  She made a sound but didn't look up.

  I don't know what the hell was going on, but it was more that just being afraid of rain.

  A crack of thunder sounded. She flinched and started rocking back and forth.

  I leaned over and tried to get her to calm down. I tried to hold her but she wouldn't stop rocking. "Baby, " I said.

  That single word made her look up at me. She was crying. "I'm such a fucking baby." She sniffed.

  "No, you're not." I soothed. "Come here."

  I helped her so she was lying on top of me. I loved feeling her this close. It wasn't a sex thing, not all the time, sometimes I just want her. I moved the hair that'd fallen in front of her face to behind her ear. "Are you going to tell me what's going on?"

&nb
sp; She shook her head. "I want to, Logan. Just not now."

  I nodded and kissed her cheek before lowering my seat to a laying position. I got us comfortable while we waited out the storm. Honestly though, I could lay like this, with her in my arms forever, and it still wouldn't be long enough.

  "I hate this," I told her.

  "What?" She sniffed again.

  "I hate seeing you like this; crying. I hate that you have to feel like this and I hate that I can't do shit about it."

  Her head lifted from my neck. "You are doing something. You're here. That's something."

  My hand started running through her hair. "It's not enough."

  "It's more than I expected," she said, lowering her head to my chest.

  Amanda

  He put his free hand on the small of my back, and that's how we stayed, with his arms wrapped around me, his fingers in my hair, my head on his chest, and my heart in his hands.

  Minutes went by before I felt his hand that was stroking my hair begin to slow, and his breathing evened out.

  He'd fallen asleep.

  I lifted my head slowly, hoping not to wake him.

  And I looked at him.

  And I forget where I am, and how I got here. I forget the storm outside, and all the memories associated with it. Because all I feel is him. I watched as his chest slowly rises and falls, his hair—that perfect mess, his lips slightly parted as his breath blew in and out.

  My gaze lingered on his lips longer than it should, but I don't kiss him. Instead, I lay my head back down and let his rhythmic breathing lull me into my own slumber.

  ***

  I get jolted awake by the ringing of my phone. It surprised me so much that I jumped and hit my head on the roof of Logan's car.

  He was already chuckling as his hand soothed where my head just hit. "It's Ethan," he said, handing me my phone.

  ***

  By the time we get home, the rain had stopped and the sun was out. We didn't talk about what happened in the stadium, and we didn't discuss my crying in the car.