“They’re fine. Have you and your mom decided when we’re going out for dinner yet?”
“No,” she murmured.
He started the truck and headed down the driveway. “What’s wrong, Cory?”
“I…” She brushed the hair from her face and stared out the windshield. “Your friendship means the world to me, Ted. I hope you know that.” A quick glance his way was all she could handle. “I don’t want to lose what we have.”
“But?” His face clouded. “I’m pretty sure I heard a but in there. Let’s wait until we pull off the highway before we continue this discussion.”
“All right.” She kept her eyes straight ahead, trying not to notice how his masculine workingman hands gripped the steering wheel, and how his sexy mouth turned down at the corners. She wanted to reach for him, tell him to forget about it—convince him and herself that nothing was wrong. They turned onto the same country road they had for her first driving lesson.
He pulled to the side and cut the engine, shifting around to face her. “Talk to me.”
“Like I said, I value our friendship.” She twisted her hands together in her lap. “But we’ve been drifting into dating territory.” Her voice broke, and she cleared her throat, blinking hard against the tears filling her eyes. “I…I wanted to believe that good memories could replace the bad. I did so want to believe…”
“But they aren’t.”
“Nope. They aren’t.” She sent him an anguished look. “Kissing you is amazing, but it triggers…I have flashbacks and nightmares…late at night. They’re getting worse, and I…I face that fallout alone. It’s tearing me apart and keeping me up at night.” She swiped at her damp cheeks. “I’m so tired.”
“Damn.” He lowered his head to the top of the steering wheel. “I’m sorry, Cory. I wanted to make things better, and instead I made them worse.”
“No. Don’t blame yourself.” She reached for her purse to pull out a tissue. “I won’t be able to bear it if you do. It’s not your fault. Or mine. It just is.” She wiped her nose and gazed out over the rows of corn beside the truck. “For both our sakes, I don’t think we should spend so much time together. If you don’t want to sell me the truck anymore, or teach me to drive the stick shift, I’ll understand completely.” He was quiet for so long, she finally risked glancing at him.
He stared back intently, a frown marring his features. Instead of the confusion and hurt she’d expected, his eyes were filled with compassion and concern. “Selling the truck to you has nothing to do with this, and it hurts that you think I’d rescind the offer just because you don’t want to date me.”
Heat crept up her neck to fill her cheeks. She did want to date him, and if she wasn’t such a wreck, she would. “I’m sorry. Hurting you is the last thing I want to do.”
“You’re not going to lose my friendship just because you’re going through a rough patch. I’m not that shallow.” He grunted. “Wouldn’t be much of friend if that’s how I rolled, now would I?”
She shook her head, wishing like hell she could be more to him than she was, wishing like hell she were whole and healthy. He opened his door and climbed out. Confused, she blinked a few times before taking his cue and sliding over to the driver’s side.
“It’s OK, Cory. Don’t worry about me. Our friendship is rock solid, and I’m here for you if you ever need to talk.” He settled himself into the passenger seat. “Have a little faith, would you?”
Unable to speak, she swallowed hard against the boulder in her throat. Great. Now she loved him more than ever. Grateful for the change of subject, she started the truck and put it into first gear, driving slowly down the deserted road. “Now what do I do?”
“Listen to the engine, and watch the RPMs. Give it a little gas, and as soon as the dial reaches three, engage the clutch and shift into second gear. Release the clutch right away.” He kept his eyes forward. “You’ll get a feel for when to change gears after awhile.”
She practiced going through all the gears several times. Finally, he had her drive in reverse. “It’s so much bigger than the cars I’ve driven in the past. I’m going to have to get used to where the four corners are before attempting parallel parking.” She moved the stick to neutral and cut the engine. “I think I’m ready. Hand me my purse, and I’ll give you that first check.”
Ted leaned over to retrieve the small leather bag from the floor. “I’ll write up some kind of agreement, and you can sign it tomorrow at work. We’ll transfer the title over lunch, and then I’ll give you your space.” He handed her the purse.
He was right beside her, and she missed him already. The loss punched a hole through her heart, but this was necessary. She needed a break, or she wouldn’t be able to function much longer. “Thanks for understanding.” She took out her checkbook and a pen and wrote him her very first car payment.
Ted took her check, folded the piece of paper in half, and stuffed it into his shirt pocket. “I saw what Noah and Ryan went through, and I do understand.” He ran his hands over his denim-clad knees. “Any word from the law clinic?”
“No.”
“Damn. We need to do something about insurance for our employees, and we need to do it now. I know the VA only covers issues that are service related for veterans who aren’t pensioned, and other than Wesley, we’re a young staff. You shouldn’t have to wait to get the help you need. No one should have to put off getting help because they don’t have insurance.” He blew out a long breath. “You want another project at work?”
“I’ve put off getting help because of my stupid principles concerning what is owed to me by the army, but yeah—insurance would be nice.” Her brow creased. “What’s this new project you have in mind?”
“We’ve talked many times about forming a consortium with other small businesses in town. Increasing our numbers would make health insurance more affordable for all of us. If you want, you can take on that project, get the other businesses on board, and start taking bids for coverage.”
Excitement thrummed through her, and she could hardly wait to get started. Finally. She’d have a project that would benefit everyone at L&L, including herself. If she could get it up and running, it would be another way to express her gratitude for the help she’d been given in her hour of need. “I’d love to take that on.”
“Great. None of us have had the time to see the insurance project through. It’s one of those things that keeps falling through the cracks. I’ll give you a list of places to contact. You can start tomorrow.” He frowned for a second.
“The Fourth of July is this Thursday, making it a short week. Once the holiday is over, I’ll help however I can, and I’m sure Paige would be thrilled to pitch in as well. Most of the staff are taking a vacation day on Friday, including me. I’ll be pretty tied up with helping the Lovejoy clan get ready for the pig roast at Noah and Ceejay’s. Then there’s the cleanup the day after. You going to be OK on your own?”
“Yep. I’m on it.” She started the truck and headed for the main road. “I need directions to your place. I didn’t pay that much attention, and it’s been awhile.”
“Sure. Take a right at the stop sign.”
Maybe she’d been all wrong about his attraction to her. He didn’t seem nearly as affected by the whole not-spending-time-together thing as she was, and that stung. Wait. She had no right to be hurt, since she’d been the one to put on the brakes. “Are you all right with…with…” What was she supposed to say? Why aren’t you as torn up as I am about this?
“This isn’t about me,” Ted rasped out, his jaw tightening. “Take care of yourself. Stop worrying about anything other than what you need to do to take care of yourself.” For a split second, he considered arguing or cajoling her out of her I-don’t-think-we-should-spend-so-much-time-together position, but one look at the dark circles under her haunted brown eyes and the defeated set of her shoulders, and he knew better.
He plowed a hand through his hair and turned away. What could he say?”
Hell, no, I’m not OK with this? Spending less time with you is going to be hell for me. What kind of a schmuck would that make him? The kind of schmuck who’d already put himself first, causing her more grief than good. He’d been trying to seduce her out of her PTSD, sneaking around her defenses, pretending to be altruistic, while all along his motives had been completely selfish. He wanted her. Pure and simple. His Sunday dinner turned to a lump of clay in his gut.
“Ted.” She glanced at him, her expression crestfallen.
“Hmm?”
“Stop beating yourself up. None of this is your fault. We can both blame Sergeant Dickhead for the hell I live with.”
“Agreed, but I exacerbated the problem.” He snorted. “I’m not going to lie, Cory. I’m attracted to you, and I was rationalizing the whole situation for my benefit. I’m sorry.” He glanced at her. “It won’t happen again.”
She kept her eyes on the road. “I don’t want there to be any awkwardness between us.”
“There won’t be. You have my word.” He gestured to the dirt road ahead. “There’s the turnoff to our farm.” He couldn’t decide which was worse, the disappointment or the self-recrimination. Both hammered painfully at the inside of his skull. He needed to be alone to process the emotions churning through him.
She pulled the truck up to his parents’ house. “You’re not alone in the rationalization department.” Her sad eyes met his. “Don’t you think I’d love to wipe out everything that happened to me that awful day? You are such a great guy, and you’ve been nothing but kind. I’m not happy with the way things are, but it’s life as I know it right now.”
He had no argument to offer, and his heart couldn’t take anymore bruising. “Call me if you need anything.” He opened the door and climbed out. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” The sadness he’d caused her cut him deep. He walked into the house without looking back. Why he went into his parents’ house instead of heading for his place, he had no idea. Maybe he didn’t really want to be alone after all. Following the smell of fresh coffee, he headed for the kitchen. His dad sat at the table with the Sunday paper spread out before him and a steaming mug in his hand.
Ted poured coffee for himself and took a seat. “Where’s Mom?”
“She and Jenny went shopping.” His dad peered at him over the rims of his reading glasses. “How’d the driving lesson go?”
“Fine. Cory took the truck.” He couldn’t stop the heavy sigh from escaping. “Being with me triggers her flashbacks and nightmares. She cut me loose this afternoon. Says she doesn’t want to spend so much time with me anymore.” Propping his elbows on the table, he scrubbed both hands over his face. “I don’t know what to do, Dad.”
“How do you feel about her, son? That’s the important question.”
“What difference does that make?” He raised his head and frowned. “She doesn’t want to be around me.”
“It makes all the difference in the world. You said you don’t know what to do. Seems to me your choices are pretty straightforward. You can cut your losses and move on, or you can be patient, give her space and support, and hope that she’ll come around.” His dad shrugged. “How do you feel about her?”
“I’m crazy about her. I pushed a little too hard too soon. We shared a few kisses.” Turning his coffee mug around between his hands, he studied the pattern his movements caused. “I guess it made things worse for her.”
“What did she say, exactly?”
“She said kissing me is amazing,” he began. Then he relayed the entire conversation he’d had with Cory earlier.
“Humph.” His dad raised a single eyebrow. “Is she worth waiting for? Because what I heard just now is that she has feelings for you, but her PTSD is getting in the way.”
“Yeah, I thought of that, but what if she can’t free herself from the association between me and the nightmares? Kissing me triggers them.” And that would be his fault, because he hadn’t waited for her to go through treatment before making moves on her. “What if she goes through therapy and decides she wants to leave behind anything or anyone who reminds her of the horror she went through?”
“I guess you have to decide whether or not you want to take that chance.”
He slumped down into the chair. “I screwed up.”
“How long has she been in Perfect?”
“Since the end of April.” Ted ran his thumb over the smooth ceramic handle on his mug. Really, he and Cory had only known each other for about ten weeks. Maybe if he gave her some space and waited a few months, they could start over.
“Not long at all. It’s too soon to tell if things are screwed up, as you put it. Give it rest, and give her some space. You don’t need to make a decision right this minute, do you?”
“Good advice. In the meantime, I think I’ll do some research on PTSD, learn what I can about what she’s facing.” Ted reached for the sports section of the paper. “Besides, it’s easier to wait it out than to admit defeat.”
“That’s my boy.” His dad reached out and patted Ted’s shoulder. “For all you know, things could still work out between the two of you.”
“Yeah?” Hope flared in his chest. “Do you think so?”
A grin spread across his dad’s face. “Anything is possible. What woman in her right mind would pass on the chance to partner up with the son of a hog farmer?”
“Right,” he replied dryly.
Ted surveyed the preparations for their Fourth of July gathering. The pavilions were lined up against the copse of black walnuts at the edge of Noah and Ceejay’s property. Rented folding tables for the food had been draped in red-white-and-blue plastic table coverings. Large ladles, spoons and serving forks were ready to go, and the napkin holders and condiments were conveniently placed at the end of the line, along with the eating utensils and Solo cups stacked up in high towers.
The mouthwatering scent of the roasting pig and his aunt Jenny’s special recipe baked beans filled the air. Somehow they’d managed to draw a perfect day out of the weather lottery—clear, hot, with a slight breeze and not too much humidity. Everything was set, and their neighbors and friends would start arriving any minute, along with Cory and her mom. His stomach did a flip at the thought.
All week he’d managed to keep things light and friendly between them. He’d brought the promised agreement and payment schedule for the truck, handed her the list of Perfect’s privately owned businesses and sat through the Monday morning staff meeting with a smile pasted on his face. The rest of the week he’d done his best to stay out of her way.
It was killing him.
“Can you help me move the beverage coolers?” Ceejay asked, bringing him back to the present.
“Sure. Where do you want them?”
“On the last table next to the Solo cups.”
Ted followed his cousin to the front of the house where the bright-orange coolers sat in a row on the veranda. Two of them had sweet tea written in permanent marker across the front. The other two were similarly marked for fruit punch. He lifted one. “These are heavier than I expected. Let’s load them onto the back of my pickup. I can drive them down.”
Ceejay pointed to her van. The back was already open. “I’m one step ahead of you.” She went to lift one of the large jugs.
“Oh, no, you don’t.” Ted scowled at her. “We don’t need you going into early labor for the sake of fruit punch.”
“Who do you think got them to the porch?” She fisted her hands on her hips. “I’m fine. It’s no different than lifting Toby or Micah.”
Noah appeared from around the corner of the house with Lucinda in tow. “I’ve got it, Ceejay. Harlen has the boys. You and Lucinda are needed at the food tables. Jenny’s orders.”
“All right.” She shot him a you-win look. “The keys are in the ignition. Thanks.”
He and Noah made fast work of loading the van. Noah shut the back and faced Ted. “How are things with you and Cory?”
“With me and Cory?” There is no me and Cory.
He stared at the neighboring field where cars were beginning to trickle in, flattening the tall grass and weeds. His dad and uncles were directing traffic, waving them along with their small American flags. “Why do you ask?”
“I couldn’t help noticing she’s been more on edge than normal this past week. The same goes for you.” Noah rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m concerned, is all.”
“She’s having a rough time, and I’ve been pushed away. There’s nothing I can do about it.”
“Sure there is.” Noah’s intense gaze pinned him. “She told me the more she feels for you, the worse her flashbacks get. It’s not you. It’s the struggle. Don’t give up. Remember how it was with me and Ceejay? She pushed me away on a daily basis, when what she really needed was to know that I wouldn’t give up on her. Give Cory the room she needs, but stick close. She needs your help to get through this. She needs all of our help.”
“Cory said she has feelings for me?” He’d suspected, hoped even, but to hear that she’d admitted it out loud…
“She did. I ran into her down by the river early Sunday morning, and we talked for a while.”
“Her situation is a lot different than Ceejay’s. My cousin had abandonment issues. Cory’s trauma isn’t about that.”
“I agree, but she still needs to know you’re there for her no matter what. Cory wants to get better; she just doesn’t know how to make it happen.” Noah rounded the hood of the van and took the driver’s seat. “Once she can start therapy, that’ll help. The VA has treating PTSD down to an art.”
Ted climbed into the passenger seat. “Treatment is not an option for her right now.” His gut twisted with anger on her behalf. “Thanks for the heads-up. Let’s get these down to the table. The party is about to begin.”
A half hour later, Ted took his place at the head of the food line. It was his job to slice up and serve the pork that had been roasting all day. He’d already loaded a few plates for the first families to arrive, greeting and exchanging small talk while loading succulent pieces of ham on their plastic plates. He’d volunteered for the job, knowing it would keep him occupied for most of the evening. Besides, he really did enjoy the banter with his neighbors. The queue began to grow in earnest, and everyone was in high spirits. The children were full of energy. Their faces were rosy with excitement for the coming fireworks and the chance to run around with the friends they hadn’t seen since school let out in June.
A Change of Heart (Perfect Indiana#3) Page 17
