My stomach sinks. I know it’s true, but I don’t want it to be.
‘Well, maybe it wasn’t Willow who delivered it. Maybe it was whoever took her … ’
Georgia rolls her eyes. ‘Sure, that makes loads of sense. Someone took Willow by force, but then felt a bit guilty about it so thought they’d make up for it by hand-delivering the baby blanket they didn’t know Zara loves … ’ She breaks off. ‘Dustin, look I’m sorry. Please don’t cry. It’s OK.’
I didn’t know I was crying. She gets up and sits next to me, pulling my head onto her shoulder. Just as I used to do to Willow.
‘I just don’t understand,’ I say through my tears.
‘I don’t either.’
Chapter 24
Willow
Then – March 2018
We agreed that for the open day, Gran, Dustin and I would get the train up to Reading. The train journey is a lot longer than I expected. It made me realise I need to get a job when I get home, because I’m going to have to pay for driving lessons somehow. There’s no way I can do this train journey twice a day. Me and Dustin have a deal: whoever learns to drive first will be gifted a full tank of petrol by the other. Dustin said the coffee shop has a Saturday vacancy, but I’m not sure I can see myself working in a coffee shop. I’m very clumsy.
I am so nervous that I can barely speak the whole way there. Gran and Dustin don’t try to calm me down, instead they chatter away as if this is the most normal day in the world. Every so often one of them touches my arm or pats my hand though. I don’t know why I’ve got myself in such a state. Is it the idea of there being a next chapter, when I’m only just getting to grips with this one? The thought of being a proper adult? I feel so far away from any of that.
I had seen pictures online, but even so I hadn’t expected the campus to be so big. It’s enormous and there are people everywhere. Tables have been set up at the entrance and a big sign saying ‘Welcome Desk’ placed next to it. People wearing blue T-shirts and huge smiles – evidently student helpers – are standing around, poised with leaflets in hand.
Further ahead I can see a giant white tent, with a stream of people moving in and out. I make a mental note to avoid that.
‘Hey there,’ the student helper nearest to us says brightly. ‘Welcome! Have you come from far away today?’
Both Dustin and Gran look at me, obviously waiting for me to answer, and I feel my ears grow hot.
‘Um, no, not too far,’ I mumble.
‘Great,’ the student helper continues. ‘Well, one of us would be happy to show you round if you like?’
Oh God, I was hoping we could just slip in unnoticed.
‘Oh I’m fine, thank—’
‘We’d love that,’ Dustin cuts in.
So now we are trailing behind a short plump girl who is talking so quickly that I’ve stopped trying to follow everything she’s saying. Or rather, Gran and I are trailing behind. She’s walking too fast for Gran and I’m grateful for any excuse to avoid conversation. Dustin is chatting away quite happily, asking questions and nodding enthusiastically at her answers. This gives me the chance to take in the surroundings. Everything is so modern and chic – a world away from the scuffed furniture and peeling paint of college. And there’s so much green space, which helps to combat the overwhelming size of everything else. I could picture myself on that lawn.
‘Oh, actually, it’s not me looking. It’s my girlfriend.’
Dustin’s words snap me out of my daydream. Both he and the girl have stopped and turned back to me.
‘Oh, so sorry,’ she says, clearly confused as to why I haven’t been the one engaging with her. ‘I asked what made you choose Reading?’
I pause.
‘I don’t know really … It just kind of spoke to me. Is that weird?’
She chuckles and shakes her head. ‘Not weird at all, don’t worry. I felt exactly the same. And what is it you want to study again?’
‘It’s the Graphic Communication BA?’ I say quickly. I pretty much memorised the course page on their website.
‘Oh cool.’ The girl stops and checks the papers on her clipboard. ‘There’s actually a talk on that course at two p.m. in this building if you’re interested. The head of the department is giving it and apparently she’s amazing.’
Before I can answer she has started walking again and is eagerly picking up where she left off with Dustin. ‘There is a student union which I really recommend, and there is the Mondial Café, and Mojo’s Bar – I’ll show you that later … Oh, and have I told you about the campus jobs … ’
Two p.m. Our train home is at two-thirty. I didn’t think we’d need to be this long. I turn to Gran and open my mouth to speak.
‘It’s fine,’ she says. ‘We can get a later train. It wasn’t that expensive anyway.’
Gran’s pension isn’t huge and I know she hates to waste money. I smile at her gratefully.
‘Do you want to look at our accommodation halls?’ The girl has turned back to me now.
I shake my head. ‘I’m fine, thank you.’
I can feel Gran’s eyes on me. ‘You don’t want to look?’
I shake my head again. I’ve already told Gran I want to stay at home, like Georgia has. A big part of Reading’s appeal is that it’s only a forty-minute drive away.
‘You sure? It might be good to loo—’
‘No, Gran. I want to stay in Surrey.’
Jeez, does she want me to leave or something? I think I see a small smile from Dustin.
We go for lunch, in a little coffee shop round the corner called Marigolds. The windows are dressed with fairy lights and the menus have various book covers printed on the back. I order an almond caramel latte, as always, and eggs and avocado on toast. And Dustin starts the conversation. He’s so excited and passionate, talking quickly about how well I’d do here, how he can’t wait to hear all the fun things I get up to, all the cool things I learn, the person I will grow to be.
Gran nods proudly, but I feel myself quiet, for a reason I can’t quite understand.
We still have an hour or so to kill after lunch so Dustin suggests we wander into the town for a bit.
‘We could go to Forbury Gardens?’ he suggests.
‘Where?’ Gran and I ask almost in unison.
‘It’s the park.’ He pulls out his phone and brings up Google Maps. ‘See, it’s just here.’
Gran gives me a smile as Dustin strides off in the direction of town. I know what she’s thinking. He did his research. He’s taking this seriously.
In the park Gran goes to find a toilet, so Dustin and I sit on the grass, people-watching. There are kids running around, a couple with a baby, an older couple holding hands, smiling, enjoying life.
‘That will be us,’ Dustin says, as he holds my hand.
‘Don’t say that,’ I mumble, squeezing his hand.
‘Why?’
‘Just don’t jinx it.’
Dustin chuckles. ‘Willow, you can’t get rid of me.’
I smile, but it fades as quickly as it rose. He kisses my forehead.
After the gardens, we come back to campus and mooch around the tent until it’s almost time for the talk. I want to go by myself, so Gran and Dustin go for a coffee, whilst I set off twenty minutes early to find the room the girl scrawled onto my leaflet. I need to leave plenty of time to get there. If I have to walk in late I think I might die.
I find the room remarkably quickly, which is perfect because most of the seats are free and I can grab one at the back.
The lecturer is a surprisingly young woman, given that she’s the head of the department. She’s tall and skinny with short cropped hair and an angular face, which gives her a slightly harsh appearance. She scans everyone in the packed room. There are people of all ages, heights and nationalities, all eyes focused at the front of the room. There’s a moment when the lecturer’s eye catches mine and I feel myself shrink under her gaze. I slump down in my chair as she starts talking; her voi
ce is a lot softer, friendlier than her exterior suggests. She starts with a quote by Maya Angelou: ‘You can’t use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have.’
And as she speaks my nerves seep away, my body relaxes into the chair and everything else loses focus. This feels right. Finally.
Chapter 25
Dustin
I sit in my room, my shitty teenage room. I should have stayed in the pub longer. Zara’s in the cot opposite me. As well as the posters from when I was eighteen, I still have a load of old photos Blu-tacked to the wall. Me and the gang in various iterations mostly, but there’s one of me and Willow too. In the park in Reading – the day we went to look around the university there. My face is screwed up as Willow plants a kiss on my cheek. I stare at my younger self. A version of me who is head over heels in love – when love was carefree and hopeful, not the unending cycle of pain I wish I could escape from now.
Suddenly, hitting me like a wave, I feel the pressure that has been building in my body over the past week bubble up and overflow. I’m angry, I’m so so angry. I stand and quickly rip the photo off the wall. Then I’m ripping the others down too, and the posters, sick of being confronted with things that aren’t any more. Then I’m pulling clothes out of drawers, sweeping things off my desk, throwing my pillows, ripping my duvet off my mattress.
And then I’m sitting on the floor, Zara looking at me through the cot. Her eyes are wide and astonished and for one terrible moment I think she’s going to start bawling. But instead, she giggles. A happy, contended gargle that soon becomes a proper little chuckle.
Exhausted, I laugh in spite of myself which makes her cackle all the more. Suddenly I am overwhelmed with love for her innocence, for the way she sees the world, for her.
‘What’s so funny, eh?’ I pick her up and bury my face into her. ‘You little nutter.’
There’s a cough.
I turn to see Alicia in the doorway. She’s running an eye over the chaos in my room, one eyebrow arched.
Shit. How do I explain myself?
‘I was um, just—’
But she holds out a hand to silence me. ‘Do you smoke?’ she asks calmly.
Not the question I was expecting.
‘No. Do you?’ I reply.
I’m shocked. Surely Mum doesn’t let Alicia smoke? At least the mum I remembered would have skinned us alive if she’d so much as seen a lighter.
‘No,’ she says, holding up a cigarette box. ‘But Elliot does.’
We sit on the wall outside our front garden. The wall that Tony sat on before puking his guts up after many double shots of vodka. The wall that Willow and I sat on after a night out trying to sober up, watching the sun rise, listening to the birds chirping beneath the trees. The wall that Joe backed into, when he tried to do a three-point turn in his car. Now it’s the wall that I sit on, in my hoodie and trackies, with Alicia wearing her pjs, hair messy, make-up off, and for a short second, she looks like the sister I know.
‘Zara will be OK inside, right?’
Alicia looks at me. ‘It’s for five minutes, Dustin. She’s in her cot and anyway you’ve got the baby monitor.’
‘I don’t like leaving her,’ I mutter.
Alicia has never been able to hide her expressions very well, and that hasn’t changed. Every inch of her face is telling me that she thinks I’m one of these insane helicopter parents, but I ignore it. ‘You know Mum’s inside, the baby is fine,’ she says.
Mum. Oh crap. I totally forgot about Mum. I look at her. ‘Did Mum hear me … hear me … ’
‘Losing your shit?’ Alicia says. ‘Yes. Obviously. She was standing at her door, and I said I’d see if you were all right.’
I turn back to my cigarette, and inhale deeply.
‘This is disgusting,’ I splutter.
‘It is,’ Alicia replies, taking one last drag of hers before tossing the butt over her shoulder. ‘But it’s stress-relieving, apparently, so I thought it was worth a try.’
‘I don’t feel that much better.’ I throw mine behind me onto the pavement as well, and feel only slightly guilty about it.
‘It wasn’t supposed to help just you,’ Alicia says. Since when did her voice get so cold? ‘You’re not the only one with stress, Dustin. The whole world isn’t about you.’
Jesus, does she have any other mode?
‘Does Mum know about Elliot smoking?’ I ask, deciding to ignore her jibe.
‘Yes.’
‘Does she not care?’
Alicia shrugs her shoulders. ‘Probably, but even if she did she wouldn’t say anything.’
I can’t help but laugh. I see Alicia glare at me. ‘Sorry, but are we talking about the same Mum here? Of course she’d say something.’
There’s a pause before Alicia speaks again.
‘She wouldn’t say anything, Dustin, because she doesn’t want her last remaining child leaving her too.’
Silence.
I can feel her closing off from me again, like a door slowly swinging shut when you’re too far away to catch it. I need to fix this, find a way of keeping things open between us. And, for the first time, I am desperate to tell her the truth about Willow. About how I do understand her anger and her pain now, and how bitterly, bitterly sorry I am.
‘Listen, I—’
She looks at me, and her expression is so cold, so unforgiving, that I feel my voice falter.
‘Um … nothing.’
She rolls her eyes, and goes back inside.
I watch her leave, the words I was so terrified she’d utter ricocheting around my head.
Willow leaving you, Dustin? It’s no more than you deserve.
Chapter 26
Willow
Then – April 2018
‘If you’re thinking about your bloody exams, Willow, I’m going to kill you,’ Georgia says, giving me a warning look in the rear-view mirror.
Gran says I am like a woman obsessed. Reading offered me a place based on the portfolio I put together, but I still need two As and a B to take it up. I can’t remember ever wanting anything so badly in all my life. I barely see anyone at college any more, because I spend every single free period holed up in the library. And in the evenings too I refuse to see Dustin until I’ve done one extra hour of revision after school. Even weekends I can’t afford to take off entirely. Gran says not to overwork myself, but secretly I think she’s pleased that I’ve got something I’m working towards. Right now we’re going shopping. Georgia is driving, blasting music through the speakers, with Dustin and me in the back. He strokes my leg slowly with one hand, the other rests on mine. It’s like this a lot, the three of us, the ‘fantastic three’ as Georgia calls us. My two worlds colliding, my cousin and best friend, and my boyfriend. And although Georgia still hasn’t said anything further about me and Dustin being together, I feel like she’s making peace with the idea of it.
I realise I haven’t spoken in ages. For once I wasn’t thinking about my exams though. Sometimes I am consumed by the fear that this will all end, that Dustin will leave me or Georgia will get sick of hanging round with us. It’s a rabbit hole I can never seem to climb back out of. I imagine scenario after scenario in quick succession, each bleaker than the last. Dustin with another girl, Dustin sick, Dustin dead. And it always comes on during moments like this. Moments when I feel so high that I feel sure the only way is down.
‘No, no.’ I smile now and shake my head. ‘Just daydreaming.’ I could never tell either of them about these fears. They’re both of them so happy-go-lucky they’d never understand. They’re so unlike me in that respect.
‘Public announcement, I love these bitches in the back,’ Georgia shouts.
I shake my head and laugh.
‘Public announcement, I love this bitch in the front,’ Dustin says, trying to shout over the music.
‘Thanks, Queen,’ Georgia says.
Dustin then turns to looks at me. ‘Public announcement,’ he says softly, so that only I can hear. ‘M
y heart’s been taken by the girl next to me.’
I lean my head on his shoulder.
‘How did you find dinner with Dustin’s mum yesterday, Willow?’ Georgia says after a moment. I feel Dustin stiffen next to me.
I frown and Georgia, registering my confusion, shoots Dustin a withering look in the mirror. ‘You didn’t ask her?’
I turn to him but he is staring pointedly out of the window, his jaw clenched. I can tell he’s furious at Georgia and usually I hate it when they argue, but I am so infuriated by his evasiveness that I plough on anyway.
‘Hey, what is the deal with your mum, Dustin?’
He doesn’t look at me, but his knee judders up and down. ‘Dustin,’ Georgia says sharply.
He sighs and turns back to me. ‘It’s not you, Willow. It’s her, she’s just … ’
He breaks off and squeezes my hand.
‘What? She’s just what?’
‘She’s fine, she’s just a bit of a character, isn’t she?’ Georgia cuts in.
‘No lie there,’ Dustin says, almost sadly.
‘I’m telling you, Willow, when I first went round, it was like a battle of opinions between me and her.’
‘Oh really?’ I glance nervously at Dustin. He isn’t getting offended, is he? Georgia would kick off if anyone spoke about Auntie Jayne like this.
‘Yep, it was, Wills, literally. We were talking about religion and politics, it was madness.’
Dustin rolls his eyes. ‘She’s not a Bible basher though,’ he says with a chuckle.
‘Well, not that anyone would know. Honestly, you act like your mum’s dead or something … ’
‘Gee.’ Dustin’s voice is quiet.
‘What?’
Dustin looks between me and her. Georgia is frowning in confusion. ‘Sorry, am I missing something here?’
Shit. It suddenly dawns on me.
‘Because of my parents,’ I say quietly, cutting in before Dustin can say anything more.
The Missing Pieces of Me: Discover the novel that will break your heart and mend it again Page 10
