‘Lis … I’m sorry.’
She exhales heavily. ‘I know you are, but sorry is just a word, isn’t it. It’s pretty easy to say.’ She pauses. ‘It was just hard, seeing you on Instagram living a perfect life, while it wasn’t so perfect here.’
‘Apparently we weren’t living a perfect life,’ I say quietly.
‘Well, I guess so, if you broke up. But whatever your problems were, they didn’t show in your pictures online.’
I think about the pictures she means, and suddenly feel butterflies in my stomach. They did capture happy memories. They were real happy memories.
‘No. How it was online, that was how it actually was. I mean – at least for me it was. It really was perfect, I thought I was living the dream.’
Alicia frowns. ‘So what happened?’
‘I don’t know. I came home one day and she was gone.’
Alicia’s mouth twists. I know she heard the argument earlier with Mum, but I don’t know how much she knows.
‘I can’t contact her, no one can. She’s just gone. She left me, and she left her baby. She was the one I was going to marry, have more babies with, live out my entire future with, and she’s just gone.’ I can feel my throat starting to tighten. ‘And it really, really hurts. And I realise it’s a taste of my own medicine for what I did to you and I know it seems like you guys are my second option now. I was young and stupid, I did cut you off, and now I know how that feels. I’m sorry, Alicia. I’m really, really sorry. And I’m sorry it took me until now to say sorry. Until now to realise it. I guess sometimes you need to feel your actions, to realise they were wrong.’
I can feel her shoulder grow damp with my tears as she wraps her arms around me. I am so angry at Willow for putting me through this. I am so bloody angry. I cry into my sister’s shoulder, and pretty soon she’s crying too.
Chapter 35
Willow
Then – June 2018
‘No.’
Dustin looks at his mum, I look down at the floor. Why did we think this would be a good idea again?
We didn’t ask her the day after the pub in the end. Dustin thought we should wait a little while to get his mum on side, and that she would handle it better if I was the one to ask about moving in – that she might even see it as a compliment. We waited until we thought it was the right time. I’ve been round loads recently and have been trying my hardest to be the kind of girlfriend she wants for Dustin – I brought her flowers last week, I helped her cook dinner tonight, me and Dustin cleaned the bathroom on Saturday.
We were having dinner and it all seemed to be going well, apart from the fact I didn’t have much of an appetite, which I put down to nerves. I’ve been feeling sick a lot recently, ever since that night we came home late from the pub. I could sense Dustin’s anticipation next to me, waiting for me to say something. I have barely stammered my way through ‘And Dustin and I were wondering if perhaps I—’ when she cuts through me.
‘No.’
‘No?’ Dustin says, dropping his fork on his plate. ‘Why?’
‘She can’t live here, I can’t afford it.’
‘I’ll pay rent,’ I offer, feeling my voice crack. This is humiliating. ‘I already do with Gran.’
‘Don’t argue with me, love. This is my house. My decision.’
I shrink back in my chair, my stomach sinking. ‘Mum, her gran is moving away,’ Dustin says. Suddenly, I wish he would just leave it. I want more than anything for this conversation to be over, for us to be anywhere but here in this kitchen.
‘Yes, and you can see each other at weekends, like all the other couples your age.’
‘What do you mean “all the other couples our age”?’ Dustin snaps back. ‘What are you saying?’
My face is burning whilst at the other end of the table, Alicia’s has turned white.
‘You know exactly what I’m saying, Dustin. I’m asking you both not to be so melodramatic and to see this for what it is – it’s a teenage relationship, for God’s sake. Nobody moves in together at seventeen.’
‘Eighteen, Mum.’
‘Whatever.’ Carol brings another spoonful of curry to her mouth. ‘It’s your first relationship, it’s not like you’re getting married.’
I take a deep breath. Don’t cry, Willow, don’t cry.
Dustin squeezes my hand again as he stares at his mum. ‘Why are you being like this?’
I can’t keep the tears in any more, I know they’re about to spill over and flood down my face. I stand up, eyes focused on the ground. ‘Sorry,’ I say quickly and dash to the door. Nobody tries to follow me. In the living room I sit on the sofa, and I start to cry. Hiccoughing, wracking sobs. But not loud enough to drown out the shouting from the dining room.
‘Things have gone far enough, Dustin. I’m not going to stand back any more and watch you throw your life away.’
‘She IS my life.’
‘She’s a bad influence. She’s very often rude to me and it’s rubbed off on you.’
‘She’s never been rude to you. She brought flowers round last week!’
‘Getting you into drugs and God only knows what else.’
‘It was my weed! Jesus Christ, how many more times do you need to hear it?’
‘Funny how I never found weed in your room before her, and you’ve lost all motivation since you’ve been with her,’ Carol continues as though Dustin hasn’t spoken. ‘You lost that coffee shop job, and now you just go out all the time. Well I won’t stand for it. I’m not prepared to let you waste your life on some girl who’s just using you until she can go off to university and forget all about you.’
I hear a chair screech, and then someone slamming their hands on the table. ‘What are you talking about? You don’t know anything! You don’t have a fucking clue how I feel.’
At this point Alicia appears at the door to the kitchen, holding a tissue in her hand. She walks over and hands it to me with a sad, apologetic smile, still standing awkwardly opposite me. I take it, trying to wipe the tears from my face as I tune into the conversation again.
‘Mum,’ Dustin says. ‘I love Willow, and if you won’t let her stay, I’ll go stay with her.’
I can hear the plates being stacked, before Carol gives a short, unpleasant laugh. ‘No, you won’t. I won’t let you.’
Now Dustin is the one laughing, though nothing about this situation is funny. ‘I can do what I want. I’m an adult.’
I hear footsteps and Dustin walks into the living room, his mum following him. Her eyes are red, mouth trembling. He is walking away, coming towards me with a hand out as if to say, ‘Let’s go’, but then she grabs his arm. He sighs, pulls his arm out of her grip and turns around to look at her.
‘Can’t you understand how this feels for me?’ Carol says.
Dustin grits his teeth. ‘That’s the problem – I do understand. I know you’re sad. I know me and Alicia are your whole world, but I can’t be responsible for that. I have a life too, Mum, and Willow is part of that now. But you don’t even make an effort with her.’ Something about Dustin’s voice has changed. Alicia has obviously noticed it too because she puts a hand on his arm, but Dustin continues anyway. ‘And I’m sick of it. I’m sick of hearing you talk to my girlfriend like this. You’re acting like a crazy person. To be honest, I’m starting to see why Dad left.’
She slaps him. I must have let out some kind of noise because Dustin looks towards me, holding his cheek. He stares at me for what feels like ages, before he moves towards me, takes my hand again, and leads us to the door. I turn to look at Alicia who has her hand over her mouth, tears streaming down her face. She looks completely helpless. Dustin picks up the overnight bag he hadn’t unpacked since staying at my house. Carol follows us, and I think maybe Alicia as well. I’m not really focusing on them, I’m focusing on Dustin. I’ve never seen him like this, his eyes bloodshot red, glossy, a single tear running down his cheek.
We are halfway out of the door when Carol shouts behi
nd us. ‘Don’t come running back to me when it all goes wrong.’
Chapter 36
Dustin
I sit on the wall outside the house. I’m trying to find anything about this Jake guy. Jake Woods. Could he have a more common name? I don’t know how many Jake Woods I’ve already scrolled through on Facebook. I’m going down, and down, and down, and then, eventually, I find him. It’s the same profile picture as his Instagram. I tap into the photo to enlarge it. He’s the surfer type – shaggy golden hair, partly covered by a beanie. Strong jawline. But he wears glasses too, which gives him a more intellectual appearance. He doesn’t look like the kind of person Willow would be friends with. Her friends look like … well, like me and Georgia.
I start searching through his friends, trying to find Willow, go onto his friends list.
I find her straight away.
What have you been hiding from me, Willow?
I open WhatsApp and start typing.
Who is Jake Woods?
I send it to Willow.
It doesn’t even deliver.
Chapter 37
Willow
Then – June 2018
Dustin and I are sitting on a bench in the park, tears streaming down my face. He has his arm around me, pulling me into his chest.
‘It’s OK,’ he says, kissing my hair.
‘I should be saying that to you,’ I sniff.
‘It’s fine,’ he says, his hand rubbing my back.
‘I’m so sorry, Dustin, I’m so, so, sorry.’
‘Hey,’ Dustin says, gently taking my chin, forcing me to look at him. ‘You have nothing to be sorry about, we will work this thing out. We will work out the uni thing. We will work out living in Brighton. It’s all going to be OK, I promise. It’s you and me for ever, right?’
I stare at him, my hand slipping into my coat pocket. I stroke the package of the pregnancy test, the pregnancy test I haven’t yet told him about.
‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘You and me together.’
PART II
Chapter 38
Willow
Then – August 2018
‘So, what did you get?’
Dustin is sitting across from me on the sofa, next to Gran. Both of them are looking at me with wide excited eyes. I lower the letter, and swallow heavily.
‘I … umm,’ I mumble. There are simultaneous shouts of protest from Dustin and Gran.
‘Oh, Wills, we’re not breathing over here.’
‘Come on, love, out with it.’
‘I got three As,’ I exhale quickly.
I got three As for my A-levels. I never thought I would. It doesn’t feel real. And it doesn’t feel fair.
‘You what? YEEESS!’ Dustin punches the air and throws his arms around Gran, who is grinning from ear to ear.
‘My girlfriend’s a genius, my girlfriend’s a genius,’ Dustin chants, getting up and doing some ridiculous dance around the room.
‘Oh, Willow.’ Gran comes over to me, her eyes glassy. ‘I’m so proud of you. More proud than you can possibly know.’
Then she’s pulling me into a hug, and I feel Dustin’s strong arms around me too. And all I want to do is cry.
‘Right,’ says Gran, pulling away and brushing a tear from her eye. ‘I’m off to bingo but let’s celebrate properly tonight.’
‘I’ll get the Prosecco, Mary!’ says Dustin.
Gran smiles at him, and blows a kiss to me, before shrugging on her coat and leaving. Dustin goes into the kitchen, and I sigh, staring back at the results with shaking hands. We’ve been here two months. Brighton. We moved back into the flat Gran and I used to rent. By a stroke of luck, the family who’d rented it in the interim had found the commute to London too much and decided to move back to the city, and the landlord was only too pleased to have us back. Dustin hasn’t spoken to his family. I know his mum was texting him, then he blocked her. He refuses to speak to me about it and I can’t help but feel it’s all my fault, though Dustin insists he doesn’t blame me at all. I hope one day things get better.
Dustin comes back in, two wine glasses filled to the brim with the pale bubbly liquid. I feel a tightness at the back of my throat looking at it. I shake my head. ‘I’m OK, thank you.’
‘Willow, you haven’t had a drink for ages and we need to celebrate. You’re going to uni!’
I have to tell him.
‘No I’m not.’
‘What?’ Dustin frowns. ‘What are you talking about? You smashed your offer!’
‘Dustin, I’m not going to uni, I can’t.’
‘Why not?’
I close my eyes, take a deep breath. ‘I’m pregnant.’
Silence.
I open my eyes and look at him; he’s watching me, saying nothing.
Shit.
I count to ten in my head, he still hasn’t said anything.
‘Dustin, please say something.’
He blinks, and sits down slowly next to me. He takes his hand and wraps it around mine.
‘This is amazing.’
‘What?’
‘This is amazing, this is perfect!’ He smiles. ‘Our life is just getting better and better.’
I frown at him. ‘But we’re so young.’
‘So? We know we’d want this eventually anyway.’
‘But uni … ’
He holds both my hands now, and smiles at me. ‘Hey, we’ll work it out. Maybe you can go part-time, or once the baby is old enough you can go. We can still do everything, we might just have to change the order of things.’
‘But what about money?’
‘Willow, we will work it out. I’ve got loads of job interviews lined up, this will give me even more motivation to ace it, and then maybe we can try and move out to our own little place eventually.’
I throw my arms round him in relief. He’s right, we can figure it all out. Reading can wait. ‘You and me, D-bag.’
Then a thought hits my mind.
‘Are you going to talk to your family?’ I ask.
‘You’re my family now,’ he whispers, his breath hot on my cheek. ‘This is the best gift you could give me, a baby that’s fifty per cent me, and fifty per cent you.’
And though I feel happier than I have done in weeks, I feel a small flicker of – what, anxiety, fear? – at his words.
A baby that’s fifty per cent me. Is that definitely a good thing?
Chapter 39
Willow
Then – August 2018
Alicia didn’t reply to my message, but it’s OK, I don’t blame her. I decide to do the same thing with Gran, quick and fast, get it over and done with.
‘I’m pregnant.’
Gran drops her knitting needles.
It’s been two weeks since I told Dustin, and somehow in that time he managed to find a job as an estate agent down the road. The salary is basic, but Dustin said he can make a lot from commission. He even came home with a ring last week, a slender silver thing from a proper jeweller’s. It’s not an engagement ring – neither of us feel that’s necessary right now – but it’s got an infinity sign. I haven’t taken it off since. I’m still doubtful he can afford it, but he told me that soon he’ll have enough to buy all the rings we could want.
So once that worry was over, I decided to tackle my next. Gran. She is going to be disappointed. She wanted more for me than this. My mum got pregnant at seventeen, I’m only one year older. I waited till we were deep into a knitting session, Coronation Street on the TV, water bottles on our bellies.
I look at Gran, tears are now forming in her eyes. Oh, man.
‘Gran, please don’t be upset … ’ I put my knitting aside and tentatively put my arms round her.
‘I’m so happy,’ she says.
I pull away. ‘What?’
‘I’m going to be a great-grandma.’
She’s beaming from ear to ear. Am I the crazy one? Why am I the only one scared shitless about this?
‘But, Gran, what about—’
&nbs
p; She holds onto my cheeks, forcing me to look down at her. ‘I will help you out, with whatever you need.’
I nod my head slowly. ‘I’m just scared, that I’m going to turn out like—’
‘I’m going to stop you there, because you won’t. We know you won’t.’
Then I ask her the question that has been weighing on my mind since I told Dustin the news.
‘Should I tell Mum?’
Chapter 40
Dustin
In the end, I message Jake. I don’t care about my self-respect any more.
I don’t know who you are but you seemed to know my girlfriend Willow. If you know her whereabouts please let me know. Please.
No response.
He hasn’t even read it.
I’m aware of how Facebook works. If someone you don’t know messages you, it goes into your ‘other’ folder, and you have to actively check that to read your messages. Let’s just hope he’s in the one per cent of the population that actually does look at their ‘other’ folder.
I minimise the Facebook app and my phone screen shows me the picture of Willow and Zara again. In the picture she’s wearing the necklace, the one she always wore. The necklace now sitting on my bedside table, because Willow apparently enjoys tormenting me. The more I stare at the picture of her, the more angry I can feel myself becoming.
Opening up my photos I find one of just Zara, and change my phone background to this one instead. She’s all I need. I need to be a dad for her. I need to actually live for our future together, not for the past, not for her mum who didn’t care about us. How could I have spent so long with a girl that just left us like that? My hands are shaking.
The Missing Pieces of Me: Discover the novel that will break your heart and mend it again Page 14
