Zara is my now. Zara is my future.
There’s no way I can go back to Brighton, not when it would remind me of her. So, Surrey is my now. My family is my now.
You know what? Everything will be OK. I don’t need her.
Chapter 41
Willow
Then – September 2018
Here’s the plan: get a job, have the baby, look after the baby, then when I feel ready, Gran will look after the baby, I will reapply to courses, and I will go to uni. We haven’t talked yet about whether or not it’ll be Reading, but I’m trying not to think about that. I’m focusing on the here and now, and the future of our new family. And I’m actually really excited. Dustin is doing well in his job, we have managed to move out to a onebed flat, just round the corner from Gran’s. Things are tight, but it’s OK, we’ve got each other. Gran is helping out, scouring charity shops for a second-hand pram, and a crib. Meanwhile, I’m trying to get a job, and it’s not quite as straightforward as I had hoped. I’m not exactly being choosy – I’ll work in a shop, a café, I’ll be a receptionist, anything. I just want to have something to do.
I tried to do freelance jobs, put my graphic design skills to the test, but sadly no one wants to pay a girl with no experience. I would usually happily work for free, build my CV up, but money comes first at the moment. I’m four months now and I’m showing, and it seems hard to get a job, maybe people don’t want to hire someone who will be leaving in a few months.
Dustin walks through the door, planting a kiss on my cheek, then my belly. ‘How was today?’ he asks.
I sigh, rubbing my head. ‘Not successful, no one will reply to me.’
‘Have you tried not telling them you’re pregnant?’
‘Yes, obviously. Then I get to interview, and they ask my longer-term plan, and I tell them because it’s obvious and then I don’t hear back. Is that legal?’
Dustin shrugs. He sits down next to me, taking my hands in his. ‘Maybe you don’t need to work? I think I can make ends meet.’
‘But I want to work, Dustin. You know me, I like keeping myself busy. Maybe I can look for some freelance design work or something.’
Dustin smiles, and nods his head. ‘OK, just don’t feel like you have to. Last month you’ve been really struggling, and having a job and feeling so ill, it worries me.’
‘It’s OK, the morning sickness is getting better,’ I reply, squeezing his hands, trying to convince him and myself. I do love being back here. But it’s weird. My situation now is so different from the life I envisaged for myself when I was in Brighton. For some reason, being pregnant and settling down made more sense back in Surrey. It felt more like the person I became later, not the person I’d been in Brighton. The shy, anxious girl who hardly spoke to anyone, who only ever felt properly at peace with a pencil or knitting needles in hand.
I see people I know sometimes, people I went to school with. And, apart from the odd awkward wave or half smile, they blank me. I mean, it’s not like we were ever friends at school or anything, but I just feel like a stranger in the place that in other ways feels so much like home.
‘Well, good,’ Dustin says, nuzzling into my neck. ‘You know I just—’
My phone rings and I put my finger to his lips.
‘Hello?’
‘Hello, is this Willow?’
‘Yes?’
‘Thank you for coming in last week, it was great to meet you. I’m calling because we would like to offer you the part-time receptionist role. It will only be on a temporary basis though.’
‘Oh, no, that’s totally fine … That’s great. Thank you. Thank you so much!’
Chapter 42
Dustin
I’m moving on.
I’m seeing my friends, going to the pub. Some semblance of routine is starting to form.
And I’m officially an estate agent again. I got a new job. I gave in my notice at Brighton, they knew it was coming. Mum offered to arrange a couple of interviews but, as I tried to tell her, a twenty-one-year-old guy having an interview organised by his mum doesn’t give off the best impression. So, for the first time in weeks, I sat down and did something productive. I wrote some applications and the third interview, at the estate agent round the corner from the coffee shop where I used to work, came good.
Mum is thrilled.
I’ve been at this job for two weeks. The people I work with seem nice, and I can walk to work. The walk to work means I pass the college, which brings a host of accompanying complicated feelings, but I’ve got to get over it. This job is for me, and for Zara, so that she has a future. Because I’m a dad. I need to remember that. Zara needs her dad. Mum is happy to look after Zara to start with, and then we’re going to look into nursery for a couple of days a week. I’m starting part-time at work. They might offer me a full-time contract if everything goes well.
Putting Dad mode first has worked pretty well for the past couple of weeks, but you can’t just ignore your other thoughts. They stay in the back of your brain, stewing and soaking, until eventually they swell, pushing their way forward.
That’s what they’ve done today. I’m sat at my desk and it’s like a dark blanket has been thrown on top of me, and I can’t get it off.
It’s hard not to compare this job to Brighton – the people there, how comfortable I felt, how I just knew how to do everything. And thinking about Brighton sparks a spiral of negative thoughts. The Brighton lot were apparently really sad that I’m not coming back. Naomi texted me the day after I handed in my notice, asking if I wanted to meet for a coffee. I didn’t reply, but then she asked me for a postal address and I gave her one. Her envelope arrived a few days later.
The note was on one of the official ‘with compliments’ slips, written in Naomi’s elegant, looping handwriting.
Miss you D and hope to see you soon. I know things are tough right now, but I’m always there. Love, Nom x
And tucked in alongside the note was the picture of Willow I’d had stuck next to my monitor since my first day. I scrunched it up and stuffed it into my wallet. At my new desk, I have a photograph of Zara Alicia took last week. She printed it for me and framed it.
‘Good morning, Dustin,’ Darren, my manager, says, sliding past me, popping a coffee on my desk and perching on the one opposite mine.
Darren is a friendly guy, in his late twenties, I reckon, and very confident. It turns out his mum works with mine, and I am not entirely sure that didn’t play a role in getting me the job. What I am sure about, though, is he has been fully informed about my situation and that’s why he’s being so nice to me.
I look down at the coffee, and back at Darren. ‘Is this a Friday thing?’
Darren smiles, twirling round on his chair. ‘No, this is a “I saw you walking in looking like death, get some caffeine juice down you” thing.’
I chuckle. ‘Thanks, Darren.’
He twirls his pen between his fingers. This is something I’ve noticed about Darren, he never keeps still. ‘Late night, huh? Pub?’
I shake my head. ‘I didn’t get much sleep. Dad life, I guess.’
Darren looks disgusted. ‘Ergh, Dad life is not for me,’ he says, grinning, and then instantly looking serious. ‘God, no offence or anything.’
‘None taken, seriously.’
‘Well good, let’s finish this second viewing if we can. I think your lady is looking very serious.’
I sigh. ‘I don’t like to be too hopeful these days.’
‘Well that attitude won’t get you a sale,’ he says, before his phone starts ringing and he swivels to answer it. I deflate again. I sip my coffee, surveying my desk. There’s a cactus that Georgia bought me; it has two googly eyes. She left a very Georgia-style Post-it note attached to it. ‘Don’t be a prick and blow your first day on the job, good luck D!’
Safe to say I kept the note in my drawer. Next to the cactus is the water bottle my mum bought me, and the reusable coffee cup Alicia got. Nobody got me gifts when I got my f
irst job. Maybe this is what happens when people feel sorry for you. The sound of my phone ringing brings me out of my thoughts with a jolt.
‘Lucie Slates Estate Agents, Dustin speaking,’ I say, a little dazed. ‘How may I help you?’
The voice at the other end is breathy, excitable.
‘Hello, Dustin, it’s me, Lesley. I’d love to book another viewing of 66 Grandly Road if I can?’
I smile. ‘Hey, Lesley, happy Friday. Of course, I can get that booked in for you, I had a feeling you liked it.’
I can hear her giggle. ‘What gave it away? Deciding where my potted plants were going to go?’
‘I think it was more the fluffy rugs.’ She laughs again, and I force myself to laugh back in response. Darren turns around. He sticks his thumb up in the air and I try to force another smile now he’s watching me. ‘So give me a time and date and I’ll see what I can do for you, and let’s hope the second viewing is as good as the first.’
Fake it till you make it, Dustin.
Chapter 43
Willow
Then – February 2019
‘It’s just a few hours, Wills, I won’t be long.’
I look at him, breathing heavily in pain.
I’m huge. I’m heavy. I’m uncomfortable.
My back hurts daily, my skin is stretching, I didn’t even know my boobs could get this big, and no, they aren’t the perky happy boobs I always dreamed of.
‘I have just finished my last day at work, Dustin,’ I say, slowly, as my back pain gets deeper.
‘Yeah, and now you don’t work for the foreseeable future’ he says. His mouth turns into a smirk. ‘I wish I had that luxury.’
I glare at him.
‘I’m joking, Wills,’ he says, raising his hands. ‘Look, I’m sorry, but it’s important, this guy is an important client – he owns a lot of properties and rents almost all of them through us, and my boss will be annoyed if I don’t go.’
I rub my hand through my hair, shaking my head. I’m feeling so uncomfortable, I just want to crawl out of this pregnancy suit that’s weighing down my body. ‘Can you not do it another day? I just really feel like grabbing a takeaway and doing nothing.’
‘OK, well how about I order you one? And by the time you watch a film or something I’ll probably be back.’
I agree, sulkily. When, after Dustin has fetched pillows and a duvet, ordered me a pizza and kissed me on the forehead, I hear the front door slam, I wonder if I am being a tad unreasonable.
I guess it isn’t fair to expect him to stay in all the time just because I’m too big to feel like going out now. And we’ll have a whole two weeks together once the baby is born. We’ll be a proper family.
And I am excited by the prospect. It wasn’t exactly the plan, but then again when has anything turned out like I planned?
The pain in my belly is growing stronger. As I stroke it absent-mindedly I think back to the conversation Gran and I had about Mum, and about whether I should tell her. I’m still not convinced I made the right choice.
Ow.
The baby kicks me hard, and suddenly a wave of acute pain washes over me. It intensifies, burrowing deep into my belly.
Oh God, it’s so painful. I try to breathe but I can feel panic rising. I reach for my phone, but just before my fingers clasp it another stab of pain hits me.
I need to call Dustin.
Chapter 44
Dustin
The picnic in the park is Alicia’s suggestion. If the truth be told I am a bit hungover and would rather spend the morning mooching in front of the TV, but it’s the first time Alicia has suggested we go out just us and I’m not about to turn that down. Things have been so much better between us since I talked to her about Willow but still not as they were before.
We stop in the middle of the park. Alicia retrieves a worn and scratchy picnic blanket and the two meal deals from her tote bag, and sets the blanket out on the grass. Zara sits happily on the picnic blanket, and when Alicia hands her a fruit pouch she takes it eagerly.
She’s made a lot more effort since I told her about Willow, and I wonder if it’s pity, or if she’s faking having forgiven me. I wonder a lot of things, but I won’t take it for granted. I smile a thanks as I open the pasta pot.
She went for a BLT, a surprising choice for someone who was vegetarian when I left. Things change, Dustin, you know this now.
I take a look around the park. It’s quiet here. A long stretch of green to all sides and there’s hardly a person in sight.
‘So Elliot did something really stupid the other day,’ Alicia says, shovelling sandwich into her mouth.
She tells me about Elliot messing up at work, and she’s laughing so much as she tells it that she half chokes on her sandwich. Then she tells me about college and how afterwards she’s thinking of getting into PR, because it seems like the kind of job you’d never be bored in and she reckons she’s good at talking to people. I am just about to respond encouragingly when I catch sight of him.
Near the entrance we came through, a man is leaning against the railings, smoking a cigarette. He is heavily tattooed, and he has a thick beard.
What the hell?
Is it him? The salt and pepper guy. I scramble to my feet, squinting at him. I can’t see clearly in the dappled sunlight, but I’m almost certain.
‘Dustin? Dustin, where are you going?’
I can hear Alicia calling me but I ignore her. I’m getting closer now. It’s definitely him, and he’s staring right at me.
‘DUSTIN!’
I turn back to Alicia. She’s on her feet now, Zara in her arms, staring at me in open-mouthed confusion.
‘It’s nothing,’ I say, ‘I just want to talk to someone.’
But when I turn back to where the guy was standing just seconds before, he’s not there. I scan the whole line of trees, the benches, the play area to the right, my head whipping wildly between each point. But he’s nowhere.
‘Dustin, what the hell is wrong with you?’
When I reach Alicia, her expression is full of anxiety. ‘Nothing,’ I stammer. ‘Just this man, I’ve seen him a few times recently.’
‘Well, I couldn’t see anyone. But anyway, New Haw’s a pretty small place. You see the same people … ’
‘Yeah.’ I cast another eye over the park. He has definitely gone.
Hasn’t he?
Was he even there to start with?
Or am I going crazy?
Chapter 45
Willow
Then – February 2019
She’s beautiful.
Her name is Zara and she was born on 2nd February 2019. I had a really short labour, just three hours, and then she was there. The midwife said she clearly couldn’t wait to be here. A healthy girl, seven pounds. And she’s wonderful. Dustin was there for the birth, and so was Gran. And now our first two weeks together have flown past, and it’s been surreal.
I’m not saying it has all been plain sailing – she cries almost constantly some nights, and I couldn’t get her to latch on to breastfeed for a few days even though she did it the first time in the hospital fine. Then there was Dustin. Me and Gran both tried to have conversations about the fact he should tell his family, but he wouldn’t even hear us out. He said we are all the family he needs and I felt guilty about the warm feeling in my stomach when he said that.
But Gran has been amazing and has stayed for the whole time, sleeping on the sofa-bed in the living room, even though it’s probably not good for her back at her age. She didn’t interfere too much with me and Zara, but things magically got done around us. The washing up, the laundry, the dusting. And meanwhile I was totally transfixed by the new little human I had made. I would sit on the sofa, Zara asleep in my arms, studying every inch of her face, breathing her in. I can’t get enough of her. Neither of us can.
But we agreed that Gran would go back to her flat today, and that she’ll just stop by every day. So now it’s just the three of us. Dustin and I are on
the sofa. Zara is bundled up in his arms, fast asleep for the first time all afternoon, and even though I’m more tired than I’ve been in my life (in fact I didn’t know it was possible to be this tired) I just can’t stop smiling. I don’t know when I last washed my hair, I can’t remember the last time I put make-up on, and I haven’t showered for days. It sounds gross but I think I haven’t even brushed my teeth today.
Dustin has been great – being a dad seems to come naturally to him. Except those moments when he’s watching her, and I recognise the flicker of fear in his eyes. The fear that she’s too good to be true, the fear that any moment she could just snap in half or fade away in front of you.
‘I can’t get over how much she looks like you,’ he whispers.
‘What? I think she looks like her dad.’
‘No,’ he says firmly, looking deep into my eyes. ‘She’s all you. That’s why she’s so perfect.’
Dustin looks back towards Zara. I can see the love he feels when he watches her, because I recognise it in myself. It’s a different type of love, it’s protective, and I’m fascinated by the feeling.
‘I’m so jealous that I have to go back to work tomorrow,’ Dustin says, eyes still on Zara. ‘And you get to be with this beautiful girl all day.’
I smile, watching them both proudly. ‘I know, I’m pretty lucky,’ I say. ‘I’ll send you photos every single day.’
‘FaceTime too, please.’
I chuckle. ‘OK, FaceTime on your lunch breaks.’
‘Deal.’
I exhale, happily sinking into the sofa, my eyes heavy, head tight, but heart warm and full to the brim.
‘I feel so complete, Dustin,’ I mumble, as my eyelids begin to droop, weighed down by two weeks of sleepless nights. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever felt this whole.’
Chapter 46
Willow
Then – March 2019
The Missing Pieces of Me: Discover the novel that will break your heart and mend it again Page 15
