The Missing Pieces of Me: Discover the novel that will break your heart and mend it again

by Amelia Mandeville

  ‘Come with me at least then!’ I whined, but she refused. She said it was best just Zara and me. Some bonding time.

  Isn’t that what we do every day?

  So I waited until the class was just about to start, then I slunk in. The lady holding the class, dressed in the kind of outfit I can only describe as ‘floaty’, wasn’t having any of that though, and asked me for my name and Zara’s and whether I’d done yoga before. The whole class turned to look at me and I felt my face grow hot. God, how I wanted to just shrivel up on the floor.

  But after that, it was OK. It might even have been more than OK.

  I just kept my eyes focused on Zara. Now and then when everyone was distracted I analysed the room. It was a mix of people, mostly mums, some grandparents – see, Gran could have come! They were mostly women, but there was one guy and he looked young. My age or just a few years older. Although, unlike me, he seemed to know what he was doing.

  As we were leaving, he held the door open for me. Which made me all kinds of awkward.

  ‘You’re new, right?’ he said to me, as we walked out, pushchairs moving parallel to each other.

  ‘Yeah, was it that obvious?’

  He chuckles. ‘Well, I mean, only a bit. Don’t worry though, this is a nice class. Did you enjoy it?’

  I nod. ‘Yeah, I did, actually.’

  ‘Well that’s good, hopefully, see you next week … er …?’ He holds his hand out.

  ‘Oh.’ I shake his hand. ‘I’m Willow.’

  ‘Well, nice to meet you, Willow.’ He indicates to his baby boy he’s carrying. ‘This is Theo, and I’m Jake.’

  Chapter 57

  Dustin

  I get home from work and Mum is cooking dinner – spag bol tonight. It’s like this most evenings, unless she is out with her friend. She has already picked Zara up from the nursery who is now settled happily in her high chair and banging a wooden spoon against the little plastic table.

  ‘How was your day?’ Mum asks over the racket.

  ‘Yeah, it was OK,’ I answer, stroking Zara’s hair. ‘Is there anything I can do to help?’

  She shakes her head. ‘You’ll just do it wrong.’ I roll my eyes. I am not in the mood for her to be like this today. I go to the cupboard to grab some plates. ‘Dustin, it’s fine,’ she snaps. ‘I said leave it.’

  ‘Well I’m here now, Mum.’

  I move away, and start placing the plates down. But I find myself pausing as I notice a little postcard on the table. I leave the plates to one side and pick it up.

  It’s a photograph of a park. A green lawn, trees, brightly coloured flower beds, and a giant statute of a lion. At the bottom, in orange looping letters, is written: We welcome you to Forbury Gardens.

  I turn it over, looking for a message on the back. But it’s blank.

  ‘Mum, what is this?’

  ‘Dustin, I’m a bit busy right now,’ Mum says, her voice strained as she loads the dishwasher.

  I storm up to her, holding up the postcard in front of her. ‘Mum, what is this?’

  She frowns, swiping it away. ‘Ergh, I don’t know, it came with the post. Probably came with a magazine or something. I thought it looked pretty.’

  I stare at it again, my mouth trembling, exhaling through my nose, and I can feel my fists clenching. Yes, it is very pretty. I know, because I’ve been there. With Willow and her gran. When she went to visit Reading Uni. The place Gran took that photo of us.

  Later in my room, I am so angry I can barely jab the letters into my phone.

  Leave me alone, Willow. Yes OK you’ve left us, maybe that was a good thing. So just leave me alone. Leave us both alone. You’re crazy.

  Chapter 58

  Willow

  Then – January 2020

  I joined baby yoga three months ago. It was the meanest thing Gran ever did to me, and possibly the best. I have been so much calmer since, and I swear Zara has too. Dustin says it’s just that she’s getting older but she definitely cries less.

  It’s a new year, and I have decided I’m going to have a new attitude. We had our first Christmas as a family of three, and Gran of course – it was lovely. It was so special. We are a proper family, I forget that sometimes, I forget how lucky I am. And then New Year. Zara was so agitated that night, constantly crying as we tried to put her to bed, and me and Dustin were so exhausted we ended up falling asleep on the sofa before the fireworks, but it was perfect. 2020. This year will be different. I will be happier, I will stop taking things for granted, I will appreciate life, and my little family. It’s going to be good. I’m excited.

  Gran’s book club has moved to Wednesday, she’s going to join me. Lunchtime classes, every Tuesday. I deliberately got to the studio fifteen minutes early so that we could get ready together. But it’s five to twelve now and there’s still no sign of her.

  ‘Where’s Gran, eh?’ I say to Zara in my arms, who gurgles as if in answer.

  ‘You’re right,’ I mutter. ‘She probably just lost track of time. Or maybe she popped back to that gift shop down the road. The one she dragged me round whilst you had a massive hissy fit, remember?’

  Zara blows a spit bubble, as if to present herself as the picture of innocence, far removed from the screaming, thrashing nightmare of that trip to the gift shop on Monday.

  ‘Hey, Willow!’

  Jake is heading towards the door and I instantly feel revived. Even if Gran has forgotten, I won’t totally be on my own.

  ‘Didn’t think you were going to make it today,’ I say, leaning by the door.

  Jake sighs, smiling, as he holds Theo on his hip. He nods his head towards him. ‘Someone decided to have a poo explosion this morning.’

  I can’t help but snigger. ‘Don’t worry, I’ve been there.’

  ‘You still down for a coffee today?’

  I look at Zara, squishing my cheek next to hers. ‘We are both looking forward to it!’

  Jake smiles. ‘So are we.’ He holds the door open for me, and then pauses, standing awkwardly. ‘You coming in?’

  ‘Oh … I will be a minute, but my gran’s coming along today, so I’m just waiting for her.’

  Jake’s face lights up. ‘Ah, the famous Gran, can’t wait to meet her.’

  ‘I’ll see you in there, Jake,’ I say.

  I wait five more minutes before calling her to tell her I’ll meet her inside. She doesn’t answer, but she rarely answers her phone anyway. An hour later I emerge back into the sunlight, both Zara and I feeling much more relaxed. Jake says he’s got to pop to the shops, and then will meet me at the coffee shop. I nod, and say I’ll grab us a seat, before looking at my phone. Weirdly, Gran hasn’t even tried to call me back. Even weirder, I have multiple missed calls from an unknown number. I call Gran. She doesn’t answer again. I’m starting to get worried now. I call Dustin.

  ‘Have you heard from Gran?’

  ‘I’m at work, I can’t talk.’

  ‘I know, sorry, but have you heard from Gran?’

  ‘What? No.’

  ‘She was supposed to meet me, but she hasn’t.’

  ‘Look, I really can’t talk at work, but I’m sure she just forgot.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘Willow, I’ll call you at lunch. Stop overthinking it.’

  ‘OK, bye.’

  He hangs up.

  I guess he’s right. Gran isn’t getting younger, and neither is her memory. I’m just being silly. I pop Zara in her pushchair, and start walking towards the coffee shop. I bet she’s probably on her balcony sorting out her flower pots. She does get carried away with them.

  Then my phone starts ringing. It’s the unknown number again. I hate answering the phone at the best of times, but when I don’t know who it is it’s even worse. I probably should answer it though: what if it’s Gran calling on a landline somewhere?

  ‘Hello, is this Willow?’

  ‘Yes … ’

  ‘Hi, I’m calling from the Royal Sussex County Hospital. You are listed
as your grandma’s next of kin.’

  Chapter 59

  Dustin

  ‘London?’

  I have to shout to check I’ve heard Lucy right. The pub is so noisy and I am, admittedly, quite drunk. She nods and grins.

  Lucy is a regular at this pub. She’s nice to me. She doesn’t delight in torturing me, she’s kind. She’s everything Willow isn’t. And I’m going to kiss her tonight.

  I don’t feel guilty. I know Joe has been staring at me the whole night, Georgia has been giving me dagger eyes and trying to lead me away. But fuck that. I’m having a nice time. Lucy lifts her shot up to me, clinks it against mine and we drink, slam on the table, and I feel the fire slither down my throat.

  I try to focus on her, smiling again, but the alcohol blurs my vision.

  ‘Dustin,’ she shouts. I’m not sure why she’s shouting, I’m right in front of her. ‘Dustin.’

  Wait, her lips aren’t moving.

  ‘Dustin.’ I feel a hand on my shoulder and I turn around to see Georgia standing in front of me, wobbling. I put a hand on her shoulder to steady her. Or steady me. I’m not sure.

  ‘Come on,’ she says, firmly. ‘It’s time to go.’

  ‘I’m not going,’ I say, grinning at her.

  Georgia sighs. ‘Come on, Dustin, you’re drunk.’

  ‘Yeah, and? I’m not ready to leave yet.’

  ‘The pub’s closing, so you kind of have to, mate.’

  I cast a glance back at Lucy, who smiles and nods her head. I look back to Georgia. ‘Me and Lucy are going to London.’

  From Georgia’s expression you’d think I had just announced I was going to Mozambique. ‘You’re what? Sorry?’

  I shrug. ‘Going to a club. She has friends there.’

  Then I feel another pair of hands on me, and I turn to see Joe.

  ‘Come on, dude,’ he says softly. ‘You barely know this girl.’

  ‘I’ve seen her a few times at the pub.’

  ‘Yep, so you barely know her.’

  I wriggle out of Joe and Georgia’s grasp. ‘So? Do we ever know anyone truly?’

  ‘Dustin, you can’t just go to London with a stranger. Not when you’re this drunk,’ Georgia snaps.

  I’m started to get annoyed now. Why am I the one in trouble? ‘I had a baby with a stranger. I didn’t even know my own girlfriend. So I don’t think I need to worry about that.’

  Georgia closes her eyes, as if she’s trying to weigh her words very carefully before speaking. ‘Dustin, you can’t do this, you have a daughter at home. You need to be responsible.’

  ‘Oh, what, like Willow was, you mean? Your cousin? I know what being responsible is, Georgia, but I deserve a night off, don’t you think? After all the crap she has put me through.’

  My heart is pumping. Chest heaving. I’m angry. I’m fuming. I was having such a nice night until this.

  ‘I know, Dustin, I’m just saying—’

  I step away, glaring at them both. ‘Leave me alone.’

  ‘Dustin, just let us take you home.’

  ‘I said leave me alone.’

  Chapter 60

  Willow

  Then – January 2020

  He holds my hand, squeezing it tightly. I pull away from him and sit down on the sofa, feeling … numb. Dustin stands awkwardly in the doorway to the living room. We have barely spoken the whole drive home.

  I’m aware that I smell of hospital. I feel dirty.

  ‘Georgia and her mum are going to look after Zara overnight,’ Dustin says.

  I nod my head slowly.

  He stands there for what feels like hours. Or maybe seconds. I can’t tell.

  Then he comes and sits next to me on the sofa, wrapping an arm around me. I sink my head onto his shoulder.

  ‘I can’t believe she’s gone,’ I whisper. And then I feel myself crumble. I sob into Dustin as he pulls me onto his lap. I just never thought this day would come. I never actually considered living a life without Gran. I never planned or prepared myself for it. I didn’t consider the fact she was getting older, that something like a fall could be fatal. I got to the hospital and she was already gone. She was healthy. She was so active for her age. But she tripped on a loose bit of pavement, hit her head and …

  I feel guilty, I should have met her before baby yoga, I should have phoned her before I left. I should have walked with her, it would have all gone so differently. I didn’t get to say goodbye.

  Gran wasn’t just my gran. She was the one who made my packed lunches for school, she helped me when I first started my period. She was my mum, she was my dad, my fun auntie, my best friend, she was my everything. And now my everything has gone.

  We’re not going to have a funeral. We should, but I can’t bring myself to organise it. Auntie Jayne offered, but I just don’t want it, I just keep thinking about the two empty spaces there would be in the church: my parents. My parents should be there, for everything she had done for them, everything she had done for me. Especially Dad – she was his mother, he should be there for his own mum. But they won’t be there, so I don’t want a funeral. Auntie Jayne said she will be sorting everything out legally, when it comes to the will, and things like that. But I don’t care. I don’t bloody care about anything.

  Dustin took the next week off work. He has been great. Georgia and her mum looked after Zara and Dustin looked after me. He just let me stay in bed and be sad. He didn’t ask me if I’m OK, because he knows I’m not. He didn’t say everything was all right because he knew it wasn’t. He didn’t tell me to go out, he didn’t try and make me feel better, or talk to me, he just hugged me, and stayed near. And I clung to him, overcome by the fear that he would slip away from me too. Nauseous and feverish with the need for him.

  Then Zara came home, and I managed to crawl out of bed. We bathed her together, put her to sleep, and went to sleep ourselves. I’ve enjoyed sleeping, because that’s what I like to imagine that Gran is doing right now, I imagine she is sleeping. And when I’m sleeping I don’t miss her, my heart doesn’t ache, my brain doesn’t freak out at the idea that I can’t physically touch her again, that I will never hear her voice, I will never taste her apple pies. We will never watch Coronation Street together. Never have a cup of tea with her three sugars, extra milky, and my one sugar, extra strong. I can’t drink a cup of tea now. It doesn’t feel right. How do people deal with this? How do people accept that a person is gone from their life for ever?

  ‘Morning,’ Dustin says. I open my eyes groggily to see him holding a cup of tea in his hand. He places it next to my bed. I find myself sitting up. Staring at it, feeling my eyes start to burn. Why did he make me a cup of tea? ‘Is Zara still asleep?’ I ask.

  Dustin smiles. ‘I’ve fed her, we had a little play, and now she’s downstairs in her playpen. She’s fine.’

  I lean back into the pillow staring at him. He looks refreshed, healthy. He’s dressed in a shirt, tie, trousers, his hair still slightly wet from the shower, and the smell of aftershave wafting from his skin. When I do the morning routine with Zara I look exhausted, I usually haven’t got dressed yet, let alone showered, and there might be sick in my hair, or a bit of wee on my clothes.

  ‘OK, we have lots of food in the house, I stocked up yesterday—’

  ‘Wait.’ I pause. I look at him again. He’s in his work clothes. ‘Are you going back to work?’

  Dustin’s smile falls, he nods his head. ‘You’re going to be OK, right?’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me yesterday?’

  ‘I thought you knew. I always said I wouldn’t be able to take much more than a week.’

  I feel tears prick at the corner of my eyes. ‘I can’t manage on my own.’

  Dustin sighs. ‘Willow, I have to go back.’

  ‘But it hasn’t even been that long since—’

  ‘You’ll be OK, you can call me whenever, you can call Georgia, but I have to go back to work. I don’t want to use any more of my holiday up, because I think we should
go away, the three of us, at some point. Make sure we have something to look forward to.’

  I stare at him, trying to blink away my tears. I can’t even think that far into the future. ‘OK,’ I say quietly.

  Dustin smiles, kissing my forehead before walking towards the door. ‘I love you,’ he says.

  ‘I love you too,’ I mumble, but he’s already left the room. I get up to follow him, go into the living room, but then I hear the front door shut. He’s gone.

  I slowly sink towards the floor and sit down, in a daze. I’m all alone now.

  With trembling hands I go onto my phone. I’ve had it turned off, it’s easier that way. I turn it on, and filter my way through numerous sympathy messages from all the New Haw lot. Georgia clearly hasn’t kept her mouth shut.

  Then I stop at Jake.

  I read his last messages.

  You coming?

  Hey? We are here.

  Have you forgotten?

  Tears drizzle down my face, as I start typing.

  Hey, can you come over? We live opposite Grundys Bakery.

  My fingers hover on the send button. Then I delete the message, pick myself up off the floor and go to tend to my daughter.

  Chapter 61

  Dustin

  Now we’re in a club called Heaven, and the music is pounding in my ears. I have actual sweat running down my forehead and I’m struggling to focus on Lucy as she dances in front of me. She’s smiling, bopping her head to the music, holding my hand, pulling me closer.

  She sees me as a normal person. She doesn’t look at me in pity, she doesn’t tread on eggshells around me. Around her, I’m just Dustin, a normal guy in his early twenties. Not a dad. Not a heartbroken idiot. Not a guy who feels like control of his life is slipping further and further from his grasp every day.

  She pulls me closer still, her lips inches away from mine. Her hand strokes my jaw. ‘You’re lovely, Dustin,’ she whispers, sending shivers down my ear.