‘I’m not judging you, Dustin, I just—’
‘Hey,’ I say cutting him off. My chest is starting to feel tight. ‘I loved her. I know how she felt, I know her better than you.’
Jake is still so annoyingly calm as he looks at me. He nods his head. ‘I know you loved her, and she loved you, so much. I’m just telling you what she told me. That’s why you wanted to see me, right?’
I avoid his eyes. I’m aware I’m acting like a sulky teenager, especially when Jake is being so adult about everything.
The tosser. ‘I never knew she was feeling like that,’ I say.
Jake takes another sip of his coffee. ‘Maybe you should have asked.’
I glare at him. Thinking of all the swear words I would say if my daughter wasn’t sat next to me right now. ‘It’s easy for you to sit on your high horse, but you don’t get it.’
‘No, Dustin, I do. And I know that probably whenever she was with you, she was happy, so it wasn’t easy for you to see. But it was when you weren’t there she felt herself struggling. That’s why we got on; as a single dad I could relate to that.’
Is it true? How didn’t I see it?
I chew on my lip. ‘So, you think she left because of everything she was telling you?’
Jake shakes her head. ‘I really don’t know, she never actually talked about going away, she was so scared of losing you and Zara, that was something she talked about a lot, so I don’t know why she would have left.’
‘When did you last see her?’
For the first time, Jake looks perturbed.
‘Um,’ he runs a hand through his hair. ‘I dunno, it must have been about six months ago? It was two or three weeks after her gran died. We met up for a coffee.’
‘And you didn’t hear from her after that?’
‘No, we … Willow stopped responding to my messages. I didn’t want to push her, I thought she probably just needed some space after her gran.’
There’s something he’s not telling me.
‘She just stopped responding?’
‘Yeah.’
I push my coffee away. I’m starting to feel sick.
‘I should have been better,’ I mumble. I look up at Jake, who doesn’t say anything. ‘I bet you thought I was a right prick from what Willow was saying.’
Jake smiles. ‘I never thought that. And neither did Willow. I just thought maybe you could have appreciated her more.’
‘I did,’ I snap back. But then I look down awkwardly. ‘But maybe I should have shown it. What’s the point in appreciating her, if she doesn’t even know it?’
I wish I’d never even met up with Jake.
I feel worse, rather than better.
‘You all right, Dustin?’
I look up at Jake, nodding my head. ‘Sorry. I was just thinking about it all.’
‘You want another coffee?’ Jake asks.
I shake my head. ‘Am I allowed to ask why you’re a single dad?’ I say. I’d never normally ask something that personal, but it’s not like this conversation hasn’t been pretty personal already.
‘It’s totally fine,’ Jake says, moving his hand to hold Theo’s. ‘His mother and I, we weren’t together. We just had sex sometimes. It was a big accident. She wanted to give him up for adoption, but I said I’d look after them both, but she knew she wasn’t ready to be a mum. So I decided to take full custody. It worked out best for both of us.’
Wow. He did it all on his own, fair play to him. ‘Does she ever see him?’ I ask.
Jake shakes his head. ‘She hasn’t yet, but I message her every three months and keep her updated. I told her she is always welcome to see him. She will always be the one who gave birth to him, that door is always open. But I make it clear that if she wants to be in his life as a mum, she needs to act like one.’
How has he been doing this on his own for this long? I’ve only been doing it for a month and a half or so and it’s been the hardest time of my life. ‘Is it not really hard being a single parent, though? Like doing it on your own?’
‘Oh, yeah, it is,’ Jake says. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever done anything harder. It can be lonely, and to begin with I always had the constant fear of doing something wrong, that I wasn’t able to give him enough. That he needed two parents, not one. But then I remembered I was trying my best, I love him, I’m learning, and that love from one parent is better than no love from any parents.’
I watch Zara, she looks at me, and smiles. ‘Yeah, I get that.’
‘That’s why I loved talking to Willow so much, we could really relate on some things,’ Jake says.
My smile falls and I sigh. How did I make her feel like that, when she wasn’t even a single parent? How did I not even realise it? ‘Has the stress ever got so much that you just wanted to walk away?’
‘Never,’ Jake answers seriously. ‘Never. I am so scared of losing him. I would never walk away. Becoming a dad was the best and hardest thing that has ever happened to me, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I could never walk away. The thought that I wouldn’t see him again kills me.’
So how was Willow able do it? Even if that’s how she felt. How could she leave her child?
‘I’m super lucky, my parents are amazing, my mum looks after Theo while I work. I couldn’t do it without them. Obviously Willow didn’t have that.’
I feel my mouth suddenly going dry.
‘Jake,’ I say, my voice quiet. ‘Did Willow ever tell you anything about her parents?’
Chapter 68
Willow
I get back from my shift at the coffee house, and dump my bag on my bed. It’s getting heavy. I really need to empty it. I open it up and spread all the contents in my bed. God, what a mess. Spare coins, water bottles, stupid amount of leaflets and paper, these can all go in the bi—
I pause.
In amongst them all is the lilac sheet of paper.
Visitor Form.
HM Prison.
From the day I left Brighton. The day I went to visit Mum.
I debated whether it was a good idea to bring Zara or not, I eventually decided I would. I took the train. I felt sick the whole way there. Maybe she wouldn’t even see me. When I was about fourteen I had gone with Gran and she just refused to come out of her cell. I had been so upset and Gran said she wasn’t putting me through it again. I don’t think she and Gran ever saw each other again; I saw her only once after that – it was when I first moved back to Brighton, before I told anyone about being pregnant. The only time in years I had spoken to my mother.
May 2020
There were about eight people waiting in the visitors’ room. We avoided each other’s eyes, not wanting to acknowledge our presence there.
Her expression, when we were finally seated in the booth, was hard to read. Blank.
‘Hello, Mum,’ I whispered, with a nervous smile.
I didn’t get a hello back. She just stared at Zara.
‘Um, this is Zara.’
‘Huh,’ she sniggered. ‘Well, I guess there go all your grand plans of university. I knew it was only a matter of time.’
I felt tears spring to my eyes, but I brushed them away.
‘She’s one and a bit. And I’m still with her dad.’
She didn’t say anything, but there was a victorious smirk on her face. Like she didn’t believe a word of what I was saying. I took a deep breath and continued.
‘I’m here because—’
‘If you’re going to mention your father, don’t bother. I won’t talk about him. And if you’re going to ask where he is, I wouldn’t know, because I’ve been stuck in here. But we know what your father is like – he’s probably dead now, isn’t he?’
I blink heavily, take a deep breath and try to talk again.
‘I wanted to talk to you because I’m struggling and I know you … I wanted to ask how you felt in the early days.’
‘How I felt? Now there’s a question nobody ever asked me.’ She leans back in her chair
. ‘You were such a pretty baby, Willow. I’d take you out in your pram, and people would stop me to look at you. Isn’t she gorgeous, they’d say. And I was so proud of you. God, this is easy, I thought.’
She tapped her fingers on the table in front of her and my eyes were drawn to the scratch on her hand. I couldn’t look away from the wound, the skin red and raw around it.
‘But then as you got older, you were so demanding. Oh, not in a screaming and crying way. I guess you learned pretty quickly where that got you. No, you were so quiet. You’d give me this look, this look of … ’ She struggled to find the word, and when she finally did, she practically spat it. ‘Superiority. Like you couldn’t believe life had landed you with someone so shit.’
I looked up at her and the look in her eyes terrified me. It was anger, and something else. Pure hatred.
And all the way home, I couldn’t get that expression out of my head.
Chapter 69
Dustin
Georgia raises her eyebrows as I get into the car. ‘Well, what did he say?’
‘I’ll tell you in a minute. Firstly, I need you to answer me something. Why didn’t you tell me about Willow’s parents?’
She’s silent and for one horrible moment I think she’s going to deny it. And I don’t know how I’ll react if she does. But instead she sighs.
‘I promised Willow I wouldn’t. It was her story to tell.’
‘Bullshit, Georgia. Even after she went missing? It was relevant! All this trauma in her life and I never knew anything about it. I never knew how she felt about it.’
Her next sentence stumps me.
‘Yeah, well, maybe you should have asked.’
The silence is so sharp I think it’s going to cut one of us.
‘But I was also afraid to tell you,’ Georgia says. ‘I knew you’d be mad that I hadn’t told you earlier and I didn’t know how you’d react. People get freaked out by stuff like this. I worried it would make you not want to have anything to do with Willow.’
I breathe deeply.
‘Georgia, of all people, I should know that a person isn’t their parents. I shouldn’t be finding out her parents aren’t dead from some guy I don’t know.’
She looks at me for a moment, then nods. ‘Yep, OK. Sorry.’
‘So what happened? I need to know everything.’
And she tells me. She tells me about Willow’s parents, their tempestuous marriage and the car-crash of their lives. They were both addicts – drugs, alcohol, whatever they could get their hands on. Most of the time they were so stoned out of their minds they barely noticed. Her gran looked after her a lot, but not all the time. She hadn’t realised quite how bad things were.
Her dad had other problems too. Gambling. He owed money everywhere, had debts piling up around his ears. He owed money to the wrong sort of people. But they owned their house – Willow’s gran had helped them with the money left from her granddad’s life insurance and pension payout. So Willow’s parents hatched a plan. They’d burn down the house, claim the insurance, and make a run for it. They got drunk, doused the lower floor in petrol, went outside and threw a lit match into the open living room window. Then they ran.
What they didn’t realise was that Willow was still inside. That evening, she was supposed to stay at her gran’s, who would have picked her up from school. Except her gran had come down with flu and had to cancel. Neither of them noticed Willow creep home from school and up to her room.
The firemen got her out, but only just. When they finally tracked down Willow’s parents, they were looking at arson, child neglect and attempted murder, though they were cleared of that last charge when it became clear how devastated they were. At least, how devastated Willow’s dad was. Apparently her mum said next to nothing all the way through the trial.
And Willow’s gran never forgave herself for not being there. Nor her son and daughter-in-law.
I listen to Georgia in silence. I can’t imagine Willow going through that. The fear as the flames licked her bedroom door. Her confusion in the dark as she called out for her parents and received no reply. How could I not have known any of this?
‘We need to go home,’ I say. ‘I need to find her.’
Chapter 70
Willow
I stand outside the gates of Reading University, shivering in the cool air. I watch students pile in and pile out, a pang of jealousy hitting me. I remember coming here with Gran and Dustin, the thrill of excitement at what lay ahead. I was happy back then, I was unaware of what was to come. How different my life would be if I hadn’t … hadn’t what? Had a baby?
I was going to ask about re-enrolling.
I stare at the gate again, feeling my lips start to tremble.
You’re evil, Willow, you don’t deserve that.
I turn around before tears start to form in my eyes.
You don’t deserve Dustin.
You don’t deserve Zara.
You don’t deserve anything.
Chapter 71
Dustin
Georgia drops me at home and I race inside. I don’t know what my plan is exactly, but I need to find Willow. ‘Hi, love,’ Mum calls. ‘Where’ve you been? I’ve got tea on.’
I follow her voice into the kitchen. ‘Mum,’ I pant, breathless, ‘I can’t stop. I need to find Willow, she … I never knew … I need to tell her … ’
Mum turns to me, a strange expression on her face. Then she points at the kitchen table.
‘That came for you.’
I stare at the thin envelope, with its shaky block capitals.
This time, I’m not afraid. I’m desperate for information. I tear it open.
When the object falls out of it, it takes me a while to work out what it is.
I turn the coffee shop loyalty card over and over between my fingers. And then eventually I spot it. The writing scrawled in the bottom right-hand corner.
An address.
Chapter 72
Willow
Another day, another coffee made by me. I’m getting good at this coffee malarkey. After rush hour it goes quiet, then lunchtime comes and it gets busy again. It’s order after order, after order. Libby calls out the order, gives me the cup, I make it, call out the name. Then do it all over again.
‘Almond caramel latte,’ Libby calls out.
I smile to myself, a person after my own heart. I grab the cup and place it under the coffee machine, make it. It’s all a natural routine. The next step, pop the lid on the cup, look at the name and call it out.
But when I read the name on the cup, I fall silent.
It says Willow.
Surely that can’t be a coincidence.
And then I see him.
He’s standing in front of me, his arms crossed, brow lowered, jaw clenched tight.
Dustin.
‘I have forty minutes left of my shift,’ I told him quickly. He said he would wait.
So then I had to carry on. It was getting busier, and I couldn’t focus. Every time I’d look up, I could see Dustin, sitting on a table by the door, staring at me. Then I kept messing up my orders, my hands would be shaking, I’d forget to add coconut milk, I’d add cream when they said no cream. I couldn’t focus. Libby started to catch on, her eyes narrowing at me then following my gaze to Dustin.
‘Hey,’ she asks me. ‘What’s the deal with the moody dude?’
I deliberately don’t look at Dustin.
‘Oh … it’s just an old friend, haven’t seen him for a while,’ I say, popping the lid on the soy flat white that took me three attempts to make.
‘Soy flat white, Martin!’ I shout, placing the coffee on the surface. I turn back to Libby. ‘What’s the next order?’
Libby just watches me. ‘You can finish now,’ she says with a smile. ‘Carol’s joining in ten.’
I glance at Dustin. He’s now looking down at his phone. He looks exactly the same, and yet so different he could be a stranger. Does that make sense? I force a smile at Libby.
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‘Thanks, but it’s fine, he can wait,’ I say. It’s easier to say that rather than say I’m not ready yet. So I carry on working until Carol comes along, and I know I have no choice but to leave. I go to the cloakroom, and try to take as long as possible, spending ages taking my apron off, slowly closing and locking my locker. I go to the toilet, wash my hands three times, splash water on my face, wash my hands once more. Then, I finally accept, I have to face him.
When I approach him, Dustin looks at me, his eyes scanning every inch of my face, and then he looks down again. ‘Shall we go somewhere and talk?’
I look at him, swallowing a lump in my throat, before nodding my head. ‘I’ll take you to where I’m staying?’
Chapter 73
Dustin
Mum said she would drive me. Georgia and Elliot offered too. But I needed to do this on my own.
So I got the train up to Reading.
Then I stood outside the coffee shop for half an hour, fighting all instincts to run. Eventually I forced my feet inside, and I saw her immediately.
Willow.
Behind the coffee bar, apron round her waist, a black T-shirt underneath. She has cut her hair off, so that it barely reaches the bottom of her ears, there are dark bags around her eyes, and she looks skinny. Very skinny. She smiles at the customer she gives the drink to, as she looks at the cup for the next order. She looks happy. She is chatting to her co-worker, laughing, smiling at each new order that comes in.
I slink into a seat in the corner so I can watch without her spotting me. She has no idea I’m here. I wonder if she thinks about me at all, if she knows that she has snapped my heart in two. And just like that, all the sympathy and understanding I thought I had ebbs away. How could she have done this to me? All the time I felt like I was being torn in a million pieces, she was happily here, playing at this new life. A life without me and Zara.
Once I finally get up the confidence I order my drink from the other barista, a friendly girl with bright pink hair, who frowns as I state my name is Willow. I see her throw her eyes to Willow for a few seconds, but she doesn’t say anything.
The Missing Pieces of Me: Discover the novel that will break your heart and mend it again Page 21
