‘Listen out for your drink,’ the pink-haired girl says, handing me my receipt.
I nod my head and walk away. Standing at a careful distance from the bar, I watch as Willow receives my order. She smiles. Again. She makes the drink, pouring it into the cup, before looking for the name, then her smile disappears. I focus on her. Her eyes dart towards Libby, then back to the cup.
Oh, so she doesn’t like confusing clues either? How ironic. ‘Willow?’ she says. Her voice quiet, painfully quiet, and right then she is just as she was in the early days. The nervous Willow, the shy Willow, my Willow.
‘Wi … Willow,’ she says again, her voice a bit louder.
Fuck. Her voice.
It hurts.
Why did I do this? Why did I go see her? I just feel awful.
I love her.
Chapter 74
Willow
I am perched on the bed, whilst Dustin stands awkwardly in the middle of the room over the pub I’ve been renting for the last month. It’s very small, it’s very dark, and the light flickers. But it’s cheap, and I don’t need it to be a palace.
‘Sorry,’ I mumble. ‘There’s not really room for any other furniture.’
His eyes move to me, before he sits awkwardly on the bed, next to me. I look at his hand placed on the bed, so near to mine.
Neither of us speak. He looks around the room, silently. Seeing him up close, I realise how different he looks. His eyes are deep, tired, almost glazed over. I’ve never seen him like this before. His hair is long, slightly greasy, it might be even longer than mine. This isn’t the Dustin I remember.
‘So you’ve been staying here then?’
I nod my head. ‘Yeah, it was hostels for a bit, until I got the job at the coffee shop,’ I say, trying to smile at him.
His mouth twitches, but he stays quiet. I sigh nervously, trying to tuck my hair behind my ears, but it doesn’t reach. Dustin watches me.
‘So you cut your hair?’ he says.
‘Oh, yeah,’ I say, surprised at the fact he talked again. ‘It’s grown out a bit now.’
He rubs his bloodshot eyes. ‘I’ve never seen your hair so short.’
‘Yeah,’ I reply. What sort of reply is that? But what can I say? I felt completely crazed. like I wanted to erase all traces of my old life, all traces of myself, and my long hair felt like a good place to start?
I exhale, trying to get rid of the nervous fluttering in my tummy. I feel like I want to be sick. ‘Dustin, where’s Zara?’ I ask, very quickly, and slightly high pitched.
His jaw tenses, sitting a little bit more upright. ‘She’s at home with my mum,’ he says.
She’s safe. She’s good. ‘So you’re back in touch with your mum?’
Dustin frowns, before nodding his head. ‘I live back at home now.’
Oh. Wow. I’m shocked. I don’t know why because I guess it makes sense, but I fail to hide my surprise. ‘Oh, really? That’s really nice.’
He frowns further. ‘Yes, Willow,’ he says. His voice is so cold.
‘Is … Is Zara OK?’
‘Yes.’
And that’s it. I don’t really know what else to say. I’m trying to be nice. I’m trying to have a conversation, but he doesn’t want one. But then why is he here? And let’s not ignore the obvious … how is he here? ‘Dustin,’ I say, my voice shaking. I start picking at my nails. I spot him looking down at them briefly, before looking up at me. His face totally blank. Emotionless, almost. It makes me super uncomfortable, it’s like looking at a stranger. ‘Dustin, I have to say,’ I say with a slight nervous laugh, ‘it’s a bit strange that you’re here.’
His mouth tightens even more, his eyebrows lower, and he exhales through his nose. ‘Seriously, Willow?’ he says between clenched teeth.
‘Well yeah, I can’t just ignore it, it’s strange.’
‘It’s strange. OK,’ he mutters, exhaling heavily. He pinches the bridge of his nose, breathing slowly. ‘You’re messing with my head, it’s not fair.’ His voice is shaking now.
I look at him as he stands up, pacing the room. I can feel my nose starting to burn. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘No,’ he says loudly. Breathing heavily, continuing to pace the room. ‘You’re not sorry. If you were you would stop doing it.’
I stand up. ‘Wait – I’m not trying to make you feel worse.’
‘No, don’t say that, cos you are! I thought you wanted me to come here. I’m glad you are safe, Willow, I’m so relieved about that, but I’m so fucking angry.’
I blink heavily, my lip trembling. ‘Dustin, I didn’t want to see you.’ He shoots me a hurt look. ‘I’m not saying I’m not happy to see you,’ I add hastily. ‘I am, I missed you so much. I just think it’s strange that you found me.’
‘No, Willow,’ he says sternly. He reaches into his pocket, walks up to me, and places something in my hand. ‘I don’t think it’s strange that I’m here, I think it’s strange you sent me this. You could have written a letter, you could have called, you could have let someone know you were safe, but instead you send me this, and then tell me you don’t want to see me.’
I look at the small piece of card in my hand. It’s a reward card, from the coffee shop I work at. Someone has written the address on the back.
‘I think it’s strange you’re acting surprised I live at home, when you know full well I’ve been living there. Do you think I’m stupid?’
What is he talking about?
‘OK,’ he says, his voice angry, tired. ‘You don’t want to be in our lives, I get it, but don’t keep sending me stuff, it’s not fair. It is messing me up, just leave me alone and let me get over you.’ He sniffs, wiping his cheek.
‘I didn’t send this, Dustin.’
‘What?’
‘I didn’t send you this.’
‘Are you lying?’
‘No!’
‘Well then, who sent it?’
‘I don’t know.’
He is silent for a moment.
‘What about your necklace?’
My stomach drops. ‘What?’
‘I know you sent me your necklace.’
My heart is pounding, I’m scared now. ‘I didn’t send you my necklace.’
He glares at me, his mouth twisting. ‘Well you’re not wearing your necklace, and you took it with you.’
‘I did, but I lost it. Weeks ago. It fell off when I was walking to work.’
Dustin looks at me, his eyes wide, frightened almost. ‘The blanket? Zara’s blanket, the one you knitted.’
I look at him, tears now streaming down my face. ‘I left that at the flat,’ I manage to mumble between my shaking lips.
‘Willow, if you’re lying, I swear—’
I shake my head. ‘I’m not, Dustin. That’s the truth.’
‘Fucking hell,’ he mutters. He looks away, panting heavily. Then he starts walking towards the door.
‘Wait, Dustin, don’t leave.’
He puts a hand up, his head still lowered. ‘I just need to call my mum,’ he mutters. ‘I promised her I’d let her know when I found you.’
‘Please come back!’
His eyes flicker to me, and he slowly nods his head. ‘Just give me five, OK?’
‘OK.’
As I sit on the bed, I think about what he said. And fear swims through my body. So who was sending my things to him? Why? Has someone been following me? I walk towards the door, lock it, pull across the bolt, and sit back down again.
Chapter 75
Dustin
I stand outside the pub and try to force oxygen into my lungs.
‘So she’s OK?’ Mum says from the other end of the line.
‘Yeah, I mean, I guess so. If anything she seems quite happy. But then in other ways she hasn’t been looking after herself. She’s so skinny. I’m confused, Mum.’
‘Do you want me to drive and pick you up, it’s only about an hour—’
‘Mum, the train was fine. But thanks. Is Zara OK?’
‘She’s as good as gold.’
‘Good.’
‘You know Willow is welcome to stay with us, you know that, right? If things go OK between you.’
I find myself chuckling. ‘Jesus, Mum, how times have changed. Thanks.’
‘Love you, sweetheart.’
‘Yep. Love you, Mum.’
I hang up, pull my hands through my hair, and hear myself groan angrily. I can’t process the emotions going through my head. I see the love of my life standing in front of me, looking a state, and I want to reach out and hug her, kiss her. The mother of my beautiful child, I want to hold onto her and tell her to never leave me again, to never go away. But then I’m so angry, I’m so fucking angry at her. Angry that she left me, and that she seems to have moved on so easily when I’m so broken. I’m angry with myself for being so selfish, for not realising how much she was hurting. And I’m deeply sad for her, but happy she is safe … I try to breathe. I’ve got too much going on in my head.
I knock on the door. I hear Willow unlock it, unbolt it, and take a chain off. Weird.
When she opens it her eyes are wide. They’re so like Zara’s. Except she looks ill. Her skin is pale and she looks so tired, a shell of the girl I lived with. ‘Shall we talk, properly?’
She looks at me, picking her nails. ‘Yeah, that’d be good.’
I look at her, and I breathe heavily; there’s been a lot of heavy breathing recently. ‘So I met Jake.’
Willows eyes shoot up at me. ‘Jake? What?’
I stare at her. Why does she look so confused? Did she not think I’d go digging into everything, clutching at any straws to find out if she was OK? ‘Why didn’t you tell me about him, Willow?’
Her face crumples. ‘I don’t know,’ she mumbles, her voice quiet. ‘I just loved talking to him, I didn’t feel like I was moaning with him. He made me feel better.’
I feel a pang of guilt. Did I make her feel like she was moaning?
‘You talked to him about things that you couldn’t tell me.’
She looks up, nodding. ‘I don’t know why. I didn’t even talk to Georgia about the stuff I was feeling. I know I should have talked to you … ’
‘Maybe I didn’t let you talk to me,’ I say, sadly.
I pause. She doesn’t deny it, but she also doesn’t agree. I sigh.
‘I’m so sorry you felt so lonely, Willow.’
She stays silent, her mouth twisting. ‘Jake seemed to understand how I felt,’ she whispers. ‘But he was a single parent, I wasn’t.’
‘So that was my fault.’
She frowns. ‘No, I think it meant there was something wrong with me.’
I chew the corner of my lip. ‘I do wish you’d told me about him though, I would have been happy you made a new friend. The thing is, when I found out about him I immediately thought the worst, I thought you guys were a thing, maybe that’s why you left.’
Her eyes widen. ‘No! Never! I love you, Dustin, it was never like that, until … ’ She pauses, and I feel instantly sick. Why has she paused? Until what? ‘Until one time, he tried to kiss me.’
‘When?’
‘It was after Gran died. We met up once and I was so devastated, I guess I hugged him, and I just didn’t let go, and I said how much he meant to me … and I think he misunderstood and … ’
‘Right. He didn’t mention that, funnily enough. So that’s why you stopped talking to him?’
Willow shrugs. ‘I was planning to talk to him eventually, but I was too scared. I was worried I’d led him on. I thought we had a good friendship, and I thought I had ruined it. But honestly, Dustin, I wasn’t thinking about him that much. After Gran died, I wasn’t thinking at all, really.’
I see her face fall, and her lip start to tremble. I want to reach over and pull her into my chest. Instead I clasp my hands together so they don’t do anything stupid. ‘Looking back, I could have been there for you more when your gran died, especially now, understanding how you were feeling.’
She looks up at me, her eyes watering. ‘She was my best friend, I still don’t understand what to do without her.’
I nod my head, and I give in. I hold her hand. ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you more.’
‘You were, Dustin, you had to go back to work. I get that.’
I shake my head. ‘No, but you asked me to stay, and I could have. I could have taken holiday. I was just thinking of the holiday we were going to take that summer, our first family holiday, working for our savings. Everything about it was for the future.’ I pause, pulling a hand through my hair. ‘I think that’s where I went wrong – I was so invested in our future. So focused on it. So dedicated to it, that I kind of forgot to focus on you in the present. My present was work, my friends, but you were my future. And I’m so scared I’ve lost that future now.’
A single tear rolls down Willow’s face and she pulls her hand away from mine.
‘Have I got it right, Willow?’ I ask desperately. ‘Is that why you left?’
She shakes her head. ‘It wasn’t you, Dustin, it was me.’
I roll my eyes. ‘Willow, that’s such a cliché line and you know it.’
‘I’m serious, it was me, it still is me. I couldn’t deal with it. I was miserable every day, and it’s because I’m a bad mum, it’s because I’m … ’
She pauses again. Looking at me, then down towards her hands, that she is aggressively picking again.
‘Willow, you were a good mum, a really good mum. Hell, since you left I didn’t realise how hard it was, and you aced it!’
She shakes her head. ‘No,’ she mumbles, before looking up at me with her now bloodshot wide eyes. ‘Dustin, I have to tell you something about my parents.’
‘Willow I—’
She breathes in, closing her eyes. ‘My parents aren’t dead.’
‘I know,’ I say quietly.
She looks at me, horrified. ‘You know? How?’
‘Georgia told me.’
For a moment she looks furious. ‘When? How long ago?’
‘Yesterday. I met up with Jake, and she told me the bits he couldn’t tell me. Because you spoke to him a bit about it, didn’t you?’
She swallows and nods. ‘He asked.’
And there it is again. The difference between me and Jake. I never asked.
‘I’m so, so sorry for what you went through, Willow. I wish you had felt able to tell me, and I’m sorry I didn’t make you feel like you could.’
‘That’s not why I’m telling you this. I’m not accusing you. I just need you to understand why I left, why it’s better that I did.’
I stare at her.
‘I couldn’t hack it, Dustin, and everyone could, but me. I was miserable, I was struggling every day, it was like there was weight over me; even though we had so many windows, it always felt dark in the flat.’
Her lip is trembling, and I can see her eyes start to water again. ‘Willow—’
‘No. I need to speak. After Gran died, I went to see my mum. I had to see her, to know for sure.’
‘Know what?’
When she speaks, her voice cracks. ‘Whether I was the same as her. And do you know what I realised, Dustin? I was worse. And it was only going to get harder as Zara realised how bad I was. Harder for me and for her. And I couldn’t do that to her. I don’t want Zara to grow up wondering what she did wrong.’
‘But do you not think she will think that, knowing her mum left her?’
Willow sniffs. ‘No, because I’m not good to be in her life. Everyone is so happy to see her. Everyone tells me how lucky I am. But I never felt lucky. I never felt happy. What was wrong with me? How twisted is that? I couldn’t feel what everyone else was feeling. I’m evil, Dustin.’
‘You’re not evil, Willow.’
‘I am. You know when it clicked? I shouted at her to stop crying. I shouted at my baby to stop crying, because the noise drilled into my head, made me so fucking angry. How bad is that? And then … I looked
in the mirror, and I looked just like my mum. I am just like my mum.’
I hold her hand and lower my head, looking straight into her eyes. ‘Willow, if you were like your mother, you wouldn’t be getting so upset by it.’
She looks at me, trying so hard not to break down in tears. ‘That’s not true.’
‘It is. Now tell me this: why are you so upset?’
Her lip trembles. ‘Because I wanted to do better for her, for both of you.’
I stare at her, trying so hard to keep it together. But it hurts me, it hurts me to see her like this, I just want to hold her, tell her it’s all OK, forget it happened. But I can’t do that. ‘I know you love her, and you miss her.’
Willow nods her head. I turn my head to the microwave, which has a dummy placed next to a coffee cup. ‘That’s Zara’s dummy, isn’t it?’ Willow’s eyes follow mine, and she nods her head. I smile at her. ‘Now tell me that’s a bad mum.’
She shakes her head, looking dead into my eyes. ‘I am though, Dustin, you don’t get it. I had to leave because my head is so messed up. I can’t understand it, so how could you? It’s toxic.’
I finally give in, I wrap my arms around her and pull her into my chest. She breaks down, and I feel her tears soak my shirt. ‘You’re not toxic, Willow, you just needed help, and I wasn’t there to help you.’
‘Dustin, you were there to help me—’
‘No, I mean, you probably need professional help, someone to talk to.’
She pauses. ‘I tried to look into it, and I also tried to look into forums, but no one has issues like mine. That’s what made me freak out, like I am the crazy one.’
I wrap my arms a little closer, kissing the top of her head. ‘No matter how rare you think your situation is, there’s got to be someone who’s been there, someone who’s heard it before. I really think you should consider it.’
‘Maybe,’ she mumbles.
‘I wish you had called me, Willow.’
‘I know.’
‘I wish you gave more information in your letter, or let me know you were safe.’
The Missing Pieces of Me: Discover the novel that will break your heart and mend it again Page 22
