A Broken Us (London Lover Series Book 1)

by Amy Daws

  The girls come sprinting into the room and light up at the sight of him.

  “Brody!” the two younger girls bound into him with huge hugs and smiles.

  Megan stays back by the wall, tucking her long blonde hair behind her ear.

  “Hey, Megan,” Brody says, looking at her while ruffling the hair of the two younger girls.

  “Hey,” she replies, looking a bit shy. Gosh, she’s so beautiful. When she figures that out, she’ll never be shy again.

  “I have presents!” he says, tweaking his eyebrows up and down at Megan. Megan stifles a small smile.

  McKinley and Maya grab a bag each and Brody hands one off to Megan, who finally comes further into the room and sits down on the floor. They all dig into their gift bags and pull out individual bags of M&Ms and start giggling.

  “Can we eat some, Mom?” Maya asks, looking over to Cadence.

  “You can have one small handful each, and that’s it. Small!” she adds, while they rip open their bags.

  Brody always brings M&Ms to the girls, ever since he discovered my nickname for them. My heart aches at the familiarly of his gesture.

  “There’s more in there,” Brody says, sitting down on the floor next to Megan.

  They all reach into their bags and pull out several cellophane-wrapped packages of baseball cards. I stifle a laugh as they all look at him with confused expressions.

  “My brother gave me my first set of baseball cards and now I have hundreds and hundreds of them,” he says, raising his eyebrows dramatically to Maya.

  “What does that have to do with us?” McKinley asks. God I love her, she is just so brutally honest with her questions. I wish it came that easily for adults.

  “I think,” Brody begins, looking up at Cadence, cautiously, “Your baby brother, George, would have liked it if he had big sisters cool enough to have their very own baseball cards. So these are something you guys can keep to help you always remember you have a brother, even if he’s not here with you every day.”

  The room falls quiet. I’m surprised to feel tears running down my cheeks. Cadence’s soft sob breaks the silence.

  Brody looks up with a worried expression and Cadence nearly falls on top of him, hugging his shoulders, tightly.

  “Damn it, Brody,” she cries into his shoulder.

  He looks up to George, clearly concerned. George smirks and nods his head.

  Cadence sniffs loudly and stands upright again. “That is so, just so…perfect.”

  The girls murmur quick thank yous and open their baseball card packs and begin bickering over whose are better. Brody stands up and George shakes his hand and pulls him into a half hug, slapping his back the way guys do when they don’t want to appear too emotional.

  Megan stands up with her head lowered and crashes into Brody, squeezing him around his waist, tightly burying her face into his stomach. George half smiles watching her, and she releases Brody and rushes over to hug her dad.

  I sniff once and wipe my face, standing awkwardly.

  “Can you stay for a drink, Brody?” Cadence asks.

  He looks over at me for a brief second, and replies, “Uh, sure. I can have one, probably.”

  Cadence heads into the kitchen and starts opening a bottle of wine.

  “That was…” I shake my head, unable to finish the sentence.

  He shrugs back at me and looks down at Maya and McKinley playing on the floor. George tells them it’s time for bed again and that they can take their cards with them. That seems to appease them and they head off after saying thanks again and giving Brody another hug.

  “How are you?” I ask, with a small frog in my throat from all the tears I’d just shed.

  “I’m okay,” he replies, looking at Cadence in the kitchen. “Need help opening that?”

  And just like that, he’s gone. My heart aches at the coldness in his demeanor. I don’t know how to break through this huge shield Brody has built up with me, but I know I need to try.

  George joins Cadence and Brody in the kitchen as they pour red wine into four glasses.

  “Come here, Fin,” Cadence says, obviously trying to convey a message to me.

  I go into the kitchen and we all settle ourselves on the barstools that wrap around the kitchen area. Brody, George, and Cadence speak about the memorial service coming up, and everything they need to do to prepare for it.

  “Actually, Brody, I was wondering if you’d be willing to help Finley with the girls tomorrow. She’s bringing them into the city to buy them all new dresses for the service and she promised to take them to see Frozen…again,” she laughs, nervously. “I’m worried she’s going to be in over her head with all three of them alone all day tomorrow. George’s and my parents are coming with us to the funeral home, so they can’t go with her.”

  Smooth, Cadence. Real smooth.

  Brody smiles kindly at her and clears his throat, “I, uhhh.”

  “You’re the only one in the city I can think to ask that the girls actually like!” she smiles, brightly.

  While I’m horribly uncomfortable with my sister’s shameless matchmaking skills, I’m happy to see her speaking animatedly about anything again. She looks like the old Cadence.

  Brody purses his lips into a smile, “I could probably handle that.”

  “Great!” Cadence exclaims.

  “You’ll probably like Frozen, Brod,” George chimes in. “Seriously, I love it. The girls make me listen to the soundtrack in the car all the time. It’s good. I’m not ashamed.”

  Brody smiles and stands up from his seat. “No problem, I probably should be going though.”

  “Can I walk you out?” I ask, nervously.

  He nods without expression, hugs Cadence goodbye, and shakes George’s hand.

  We walk down the hall to the front door and Brody holds the door open for me to pass through. I tuck my hands into the front pouch of my hoodie and shiver at the cool, nearly-winter air.

  He comes to a stop beside me and I take in his face, illuminated only by the soft yellow porch light.

  “You look good,” I say, unsure where to start.

  He sighs, heavily, “Finley, let’s just…”

  “Don’t, Brody. Don’t just act like we can be friends and pretend nothing happened.”

  “I’m not trying to, Finley. I’m just trying to,” he pauses, looking down and scuffing his boots on the porch, “Survive, I guess.”

  “Me too, Brody. This isn’t easy for me, you know. You ripped my heart out when you left that night,” I say, stepping closer to him to force him to look me in the eyes.

  Instead, he takes a step back and turns away, laughing slightly.

  “Oh, believe me, I know. Leslie called me the next day and gave me all the details. She raged my ear off for a good ten minutes. Then Frank got on the phone and I had to hear it all over again. He has a real colorful way of talking, let me tell you,” he finishes, turning to look at me again.

  I shake my head, not sure how to respond to that. I love my friends, but I’m not sure I needed Brody to know what a mess I was the day after he left.

  “And what pisses me off,” he says, turning to face me again, “Is that you weren’t the only one whose heart was ripped out that night, Fin.”

  “You didn’t even give me a chance to explain!” I start.

  “Explain what? Explain that I’ve done nothing but love,” he breathes heavily, composing himself, “Love you like crazy for the past five years, and yet you thought so little of me, that the minute things got rough...”

  “I don’t know what I was thinking, Brody!” I exclaim, grabbing his face, forcing him to look me in the eyes.

  He shoots daggers down on me. “You could have given me a chance first, Finley. I deserved a chance to prove you wrong.”

  “I know!” I cry, tears forming in my eyes. “You think I don’t know that now? You think I don’t know what a colossal mistake I made in doubting you? In doubting your character? It’s the biggest mistake of my
life. And now I just have to live with it and watch you…watch you…” I can’t finish that thought.

  He shakes his head free from my grasp.

  “Watch me what? Watch me find someone fertile and play house with another woman? That’s what is so mind boggling to me, Finley! Who are you right now?” he admonishes.

  “I get it now, Brody. It was all me! All of it! I couldn’t get past it, for myself. I went through all these scary tests, and then the doctor said adoption, and it was like the wind got knocked out of me! To know that I can’t do this basic human nature thing with my body…it broke me, Brody. I was broken.”

  “So you turned me into your scapegoat by pegging me as the villain in your messed up mind. You broke us, Finley,” he finishes, with a sneer. “But don’t worry, I’ll be there for those girls tomorrow. And I’ll be there for the memorial service on Saturday, because contrary to what you may think, I’m not a piece of shit.”

  Before I can say anything else, he stomps off to his truck and I’m left alone on the porch. Alone with my thoughts, alone with my pain, alone with my massive, massive mistakes, and a seriously dwindling amount of hope.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

  The M&Ms are extremely excited for our day together because they get to skip out on school, and that’s better than Christmas to them. We drive into Kansas City to shop and I appreciate the distraction from my thoughts and the sadness that is engulfing me. There’s just too much rolling around in my head right now. Cadence, Baby George, Big George, and now Brody. It’s too much.

  My lightness is short lived because we’re headed to the movie theater where Brody is meeting us. After we park, I grab McKinley’s hand, Megan grabs Maya’s hand, and we make our way to the theater entrance. Brody is waiting for us in the lobby, looking great in a long-sleeve half-button grey shirt and jeans. His sleeves are pushed up slightly on his forearm, revealing his dark arm fuzz and I have to physically restrain myself from reaching out and stroking his arms.

  I’m not ashamed to admit that I tried a little harder on my appearance today, hoping Brody might take notice. I’m not disappointed when I see his eyes run up the length of my body. I’m wearing my black leather leggings that have sheer wrap-around cutouts on the thighs. I paired them with a cream-colored top that drapes off the side, revealing a lot of my shoulder.

  “Hi,” I say, coming up to him.

  “Hi,” he replies, eyeing the exposed skin along my collarbone and arm.

  “Did you get our tickets?” McKinley asks.

  “Not yet,” Brody laughs, “I just got here.”

  He grabs McKinley’s arm and pulls her into him, ruffling her hair. She whines and attempts to straighten it and we head over to the ticket counter.

  After arguing over who is going to pay for the tickets, I give in and let Brody buy them, as long as he lets me pay for the concessions. I hate this argument. It feels so formal and awkward, not at all like we used to be.

  We get two large popcorns and two large pops to split between all of us. Brody causes all the girls to giggle when he flashes them the M&Ms he’s stashed away inside his jacket.

  He’s so good with the girls, so natural. Just seeing him with them reminds me of all that I ran from and what I would have never been able to give him. The familiar ache in my heart returns and I turn away from his watchful eyes to conceal my thoughts.

  “Finley, I need to go to the bathroom,” Maya says, as we settle in our seats waiting for the previews to start. I’m so far away in my own thoughts that she has to repeat herself three times before I register what she’s saying to me.

  I get up and lead Maya past McKinley and Megan, just when I go to pass by Brody, he reaches out and grabs my wrist.

  “Hey, are you okay?” he asks, concern on his features.

  Yesterday, I would have killed for him to look at me like that. I’ve been dying for him to call me and check on me, care about me, anything. Now that I have it, I don’t think I still want it.

  “I’m fine,” I say, and shake my head, following Maya out of the theater to the bathroom.

  As Maya does her business, I look at myself in the mirror and I feel ridiculous. Here I am, dressing up for a man I’m trying to win back, when I know damn well he’d be a thousand times better off without me. Brody is perfect. He’s great with the girls. He is meant to be a father. He will be the perfect father to someone…someday. I’m being selfish trying to win him back. I silently chastise myself as I pull my collar up to cover my bare shoulder.

  When we come back into the theater, Brody eyes me, warily. The previews start, and he doesn’t get a chance to ask me any more questions. I’m thankful for the dark theater and the nearly two hours of solitude I have to get my thoughts together, but I feel Brody’s eyes on me throughout the film.

  After the movie is over, I barely look at Brody as he walks us all to the car. I shut the last door once all the girls are safely in their seatbelts, and walk around the back of the car, nearly running into Brody. His face is covered with concern.

  “What is it, Finley?” he asks, firmly.

  “It’s nothing,” I say, plastering on a smile but refusing to look him in the eyes.

  “Don’t give me that. What is it?” he asks, looking at the girls in the car.

  I look in quickly too, and see they are all back on their electronic devices they brought with them for the ride down.

  “Come on. You wanted to talk last night and now you have nothing to say?” he says.

  “It doesn’t even matter anymore, Brody.”

  “Then why don’t you tell me, if it doesn’t even matter?”

  I shake my head again.

  “Just fricken’ say it, Finley. I don’t just…I don’t just stop caring about you, you know. You owe it to me to at least be honest,” he says, grabbing my arm with his large hand.

  I look deeply into his blue eyes, “It’s just that…this is all for the best, Brody.”

  “What’s for the best?” he asks, furrowing his brow.

  “You’re great with kids,” I half laugh, half cry, because the insanity of the juxtaposition I feel is beyond comprehension.

  “Seriously Brody, you’re wonderful with those girls! My M&Ms.” My eyes well with tears. “You deserve that, Brody. You deserve to have your own M&Ms.”

  He shakes his head at me, but I can’t decipher what he’s thinking.

  I shrug my shoulders and move past him, and he stops me by my arm that he’s still holding on to.

  “You can’t…you just…you can’t just say that stuff and walk away, Finley,” he says, turning his face to look at me, his eyes red.

  “I mean it, Brody. I was right in leaving you. You didn’t deserve to be my scapegoat. I was lying to myself about why I left. It wasn’t your feelings that scared me, it was my own.”

  I sniff once and look him in the eyes again.

  “It’s just too much to live with this regret of not being able to give you what you so crazily deserve,” I finish.

  He turns his body to face me fully again. “Don’t I deserve you?” he says, confusion all over his face as his eyes rove over mine.

  My chin trembles as I fight back the cry growing inside me. “You deserve better, Brody. So, so much better,” my voice cracks and my reserve falls.

  He shakes his head, rapidly, back and forth.

  “No. No, fuck that,” he growls, and slams his lips to mine.

  I gasp against his mouth, surprised at the brute pressure of his mouth. My salty tears slip from my eyes and mingle in between our lips as he attempts to kiss the pain inside of me away. His kiss feels possessive and passionate…needy and achy. It’s all I wanted him to do to me last night. This is Brody. My Brody. I love him. I love us. But I can’t do this to him. I can’t take his life away from him. A man like Brody is worthy of everything he wants in life. And I know I can’t give him that.

  I regretfully break the kiss, quickly, and cover my mouth, shaking my head at him. Before he can say anything, I turn an
d run around the car and hop into the driver’s seat.

  Megan is eyeing me cautiously from the passenger seat.

  “Are you okay?” she asks.

  I nod my head, dropping my hand from my mouth, unable to speak because I know if I do, I’ll just cry.

  “Are you sure you want to drive away right now?” she says.

  I look over to her, my jaw slightly dropped, and then start the car and leave.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

  I get ready for Baby George’s service with a numb, foggy feeling over me. Crying today is a given. I’m going to be watching my sister spread the ashes of her baby over the Fourteenth Street Bridge, just outside of town. It’s where she and George had their first kiss when they were young children, dreaming of a life together. I’m sure they never envisioned doing something like this in that special spot, but they both agreed it was the best place to have the service.

  My dress is a simple knee-length fitted black dress with a scoop neck and short sleeves. My sister wanted something loose to hide her stomach because it hadn’t bounced back to its original form yet, so yesterday when we were shopping for the girls, I found her a pretty, long flowing maxi dress I knew she’d approve of.

  “Knock knock,” I say, entering her master bathroom with a small package that came in the mail yesterday.

  She’s sitting on her stool in front of her vanity mirror. Her blonde hair is in a messy bun at the nape of her neck and she looks like she’s in the process of doing her makeup.

  “Can I help?” I ask.

  She nods, silently.

  I set the box down and sit up on the counter in front of her. I lean in to apply some eye shadow and tears slip out past her eyelashes. I pause, and her eyes flutter open, looking red and puffy.

  “Cadence,” I say, my voice cracking at the pain and anguish in her eyes.

  She squeezes her eyes hard, and more tears spill out.

  “I just keep picturing him, Finley. His soft pudgy cheeks, his beautiful brown hair,” she says, grabbing one of my loose brown locks hanging in front of my shoulder.

  “Do you regret cremating him?” I ask.