by Flatman, NJ
“I’m not moping,” my back was to her as I continued to stare at the moonlight dipping into the edges of the water. “I’m just not as exciting as I normally am.”
It was my ragged attempt at a joke when I least felt like being comical. Reality was, she was correct. I was moping. But I was permitted, was I not? I was dealing with a major blow.
“The key to this was fun,” Colby retorted, and I knew she was more than a little unhappy. I’d failed her and let her down. Every plan we’d made was thrown out the window. “But I guess shit happens, huh?” the sounds of her standing up from the older plastic chair pierced the silence of the private beach.
“Colby,” turning to face her with a pleading stare, I could see the look in her eyes. She wasn’t mad, she was hurt. Rightfully so. “Please don’t….” the remnants of the sentence didn’t need to be said.
“Avery,” she began stridently, but softened her words as she continued, “you are letting this consume you. I can’t wrap my head around that.”
“It’s not,” the tone of my voice was as pathetic as the dispute I was about to give. “I just need some time.”
“How much time Avery?” her eyes flashed with a shred of fury. “We’ve been here three days and this is about all we’ve accomplished. How much more time do you need?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted and lowered my head, looking at the sand beneath my feet. “I’ve never been here before. Not like this. I’ve never felt this way before. I know that beach guys and random sex aren’t what I need. But, I don’t know the answer”
“The answer is that we planned this for months Avery. And now it’s like I’m here alone,” she snapped. “Maybe I should be.”
“That’s not fair,” I turned to her. “I would never try and make you feel guilty for hurting.”
“I would never expect you to do this,” her voice softened again and I could see the tears building in the corner of her eyes. “I’m watching you vanish, Avery. Disappear. You have to stop.”
“I’m not doing anything,” I argued again. “I’m hurting. I’m letting myself hurt.”
“This isn’t the first time. And if he comes back and you take him back, which you will; it won’t be the last. You can’t just give up. You have to continue living! Damn it, Avery!. You have to exist with or without him. You can’t misplace yourself. You can’t lose who you are!” her screaming would generally irritate me, but I understood it. She was as discouraged with me as I was with myself.
“I’m not losing myself,” I answered, knowing in a way it was a lie.
“Well, you certainly aren’t the person I know,” she threw the words at me like a weapon. “It was hard enough to see you so wrapped up in him when he was there. But this….I can’t be okay with this.”
“You don’t have to be okay with it,” the words came out muffled. “It’s my life. My heart. My feelings.”
“And I thought I was your friend,” her emphasis on the word added to my guilt. “But I’m not so sure anymore.”
“Of course you are!” How could she have even thought that?
“Then stop this! Let’s go have fun and stop thinking about it,” she offered with a smile, hoping I’d oblige.
“I wish it were that easy Colby,” I hung my head again. “I wish it were.”
“I give up,” she threw her arms up and turned as if she were going to leave. “I can’t force you to live again.”
“Colby,” I pleaded. “wait.”
I wanted so badly to explain to her what I felt. I needed for her to understand. But in that moment, standing on the beach in the moonlight and wishing I were anywhere else, I wasn’t sure that anyone could understand.
I didn’t lose myself. Not the way she thought. It was different. It was as if when he wasn’t there I didn’t really exist. But not the way she took it. I was a shell of myself. A portion of who I was. I was there. I could go and do things with her. Doing things wasn’t the issue.
Smiling wasn’t the issue. Smiling could be accomplished. I could venture out in the world. Have my friends. Smile. Laugh. Be virtually ordinary.
But it wasn’t genuine. Not like it was supposed to be. There was no real depth to it when he wasn’t there. Every time he left, I became superficial. My actions were one-dimensional. I meant them. I laughed when I thought something was funny. I smiled when I felt the urge to smile. I enjoyed the people I was with and the things we would do. But it was mechanical.
My body, hell my entire being, was on autopilot. Just waiting on him to come back. Praying he would come back. That he would walk in and give me purpose again. That he would resuscitate my soul and revive me. Make me real again.
I’d spent my life hearing about it. Reading about it. Seeing it. Movies and books and quotes and songs. Love. True love. Passionate love. A soul mate. Another half of you. The part of you that existed in someone else.
It was never factual to me. I’d never taken it seriously. I’d never understood it. How could someone be that emotionally involved with another person? How could someone need another that much? It seemed almost perverse.
I’d loved. A few times in life. Mad and passionate love that made no sense. Crazy love. The kind that said if I can’t have you no one can. The kind that said I’d die if you didn’t love me back. The kind that said I will hurt you and force you to love me.
I’d felt the vengeance that came with that love. I’d loved in the casual way. Friends. Someone that shared my life, but there was no power. No spark. I’d loved in a variety of ways. I’d even settled. I’d done everything.
But what I felt with him, it was special. I wasn’t gone. Even standing there with Colby, I was there. It wasn’t an obsession. It wasn’t at all like that. Yes, it was intense. But it consumed me in a different way.
It made it all make sense. The words I’d heard for my entire life. Soul mate. Other half. They made sense. I knew what it felt like to have my soul exist in two different places. To be split in the middle. Every time he was gone, I felt it rupture. When he returned, it was repaired.
I was there, but I wasn’t. Avery wasn’t gone. But a piece of her was missing. It was the light. The sparkle. The smile that I found in my days. It was gone.
I was there, but I wasn’t. I was bare. Vacant. Lacking life and air. Just waiting on that moment when he’d come back, if he came back, and breathe the air I needed to fill my world back up.
I knew standing there I’d rather have a little bit of him than nothing at all. I’d take whatever he would give me if he would swear to be there in my life. I needed him to keep me intact. If that meant letting him go and letting someone else love him, I would. I knew that. It would destroy me, but I would.
And even as I stood there, watching my best friend turn to walk away from me, I knew that it didn’t matter. I’d rather have the devastating pain and sadness that I felt in that moment than nothing. I’d rather my entire body be broken into pieces and lying on the ground than for him to have never existed. I’d rather question how I would survive it and never say a negative thing about him. I’d rather all of that than to do anything that could wound him. Anything that could cause him to be sad or broken. Even if it would make me feel better. Even if saying he was wrong would salvage my friendship.
I also knew that I’d never find anything that equaled it. There was nothing that would come close. I would never find another that would bring me back to life. I would never be whole with another person.
No, I didn’t lose myself. Because what no one seemed to understand is that I had never really existed until the day that I met him. And that is what Colby, and anyone else that I might have wanted to talk to, would never be able to appreciate.
“What?” she snapped as she turned to face me.
What had happened to Colby? Where was the girl that had comforted me? The one that loved me and helped me through? She was gone and I needed her desperately.
“Be careful walking back,” I spoke quietly, turning back to the water an
d letting the tears drop as I heard my best friend give up on me and walk away.
Chapter 12
“What do you want?” I heard Colby snap as she opened the door.
My guess was that Robert had shown up. Or was it Josh? I couldn’t keep track to know who was when. But she’d just broken up with her latest boyfriend a couple days before and he hadn’t taken it well.
“That’s why I did it,” she’d laughed. “He’s a fucking pussy and I already have one of my own.”
He was probably at the door crying and telling her how badly he missed her. Most of them ended up doing that. I couldn’t help but think that someone should inform Colby she seemed to be attracted to the pussies she didn’t need.
“Can I see her?” the voice spoke and I felt the glass fall out of my hand.
It was Spencer. I would know that voice anywhere and among any number of people. But in the otherwise silent apartment, there was definitely no room for doubt.
My heart began to race. My mind flashed through a million reasons why Spencer would have shown up at our door several weeks after he’d ended things. I had only recently agreed to live a little again and possibly even meet new people. It hadn’t been long since I’d resigned myself to the fact that he was gone. And here he was.
I wanted to jump up and run to him. I wanted to throw myself into his arms, tell him how much I loved him and beg him to never leave again. But my body wouldn’t move. I was paralyzed with shock and fear. What if he wasn’t coming back? I didn’t know what he wanted.
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” I heard Colby’s words and almost screamed.
How could she decide who would and wouldn’t see me? I didn’t like that at all. Of course I knew I’d do the same.
“You realize I’m not going to give up just because you say no?”
That was definitely my Spencer. Always willing to fight for what he wanted. Which was obviously to see me. My heart was racing with excitement.
“She’s finally okay,” Colby said. “And you show up?”
“Please?” he asked. “I know you hate me. I deserve it. But I need to see her.”
For a moment I waited and held my breath. I wanted to see him. I wanted to know he was okay. I wanted us to be together. Maybe that’s why he was there.
I heard Colby huff and I assumed she let him in.
“Living room,” I heard her say shortly. “Hurt her again today and I’ll kill you.”
I wished on everything I had that I had gotten dressed when I woke up. But instead I’d just grabbed coffee and a glass of water and sat down to read the paper. My hair was still in a messy bun. I had no makeup. Short of brushing my teeth, nothing had been accomplished once I’d gotten out of bed.
I felt the excitement build as I heard him walk towards me. If my voice had worked and I could find the words, I’d have already squealed loudly.
“Avery,” he spoke softly behind me and I turned to look at him.
His hair was longer. I didn’t like it. His eyes were hidden and I loved looking into his eyes. Especially when he was smiling. I could still see the dark circles underneath them, though.
Spencer looked as if he hadn’t slept in weeks. He’d lost weight, so he was obviously not eating well either. Nothing about him looked like the guy I’d known not long before.
“hi,” I whispered. “How are you?”
“Not good,” he was honest. “You can probably tell.”
I didn’t want to tell him that I could. I didn’t want him to think he looked that rough. However, if I were honest, a cop would assume he’d been on drugs for quite some time simply because of his appearance. He looked pretty bad.
“not really,” I lied, hoping to make him feel better. “why are you here?”
“I needed my fix,” he laughed. “Actually, I miss you,” he confessed, moving towards where I sat and finding a spot beside me.
“I miss you too,” I agreed.
“I made a mistake Avery,” He told me, taking a hand in his. “The biggest mistake I’ve ever made.”
“Yes,” I nodded. “Yes, you did.”
“Please forgive me,” he pleaded. “Please take me back.”
“Don’t be dumb Ave,” I heard Colby yell from the kitchen. “He already hurt you once.”
I knew she was right. If Spencer had been any other guy there’d have been no hesitation in my answer. I would have firmly said no. I knew the odds of a second chance working out when the first didn’t. But he wasn’t just any guy. He was Spencer. He was my soul mate. And my heart wasn’t going to give me a choice.
“Why should I?” I asked. “Why should I trust you again?
“I was scared,” he admitted to me. “I was terrified of what would happen when I lost you.”
“If you lost me,” I corrected. “You presume that it’s going to happen, but that doesn’t mean it will.”
“Avery,” he looked at me, “you know how I believe.”
“Then why come back Spencer? So you can do it again?”
“Because I can’t stay away. Because I love you.” He was brutally honest. “Because I decided that hurting later was worth what it feels like now.”
“You say that now,” I ran my fingers through my hair. “But you will still worry about what happens. You will still be certain that it’s going to end. How do I know that you won’t take off again?”
“I don’t know,” he was honest. “I really don’t know.”
“Well that’s not very comforting,” I shrugged.
“Avery,” Spencer stood up and began to pace. “I’m terrified of loving anyone this much. I didn’t even love my fiancé this much and look what she did to me,” I felt a warmth spread across my body as I listened to him say how much I meant. “Losing you would destroy me. But giving you up came damn near close.”
“But you still did it…”
“I know,” his face turned towards the floor. “It was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.”
“And I’m supposed to believe that this will just magically get better? I’m supposed to have faith in you and trust that you won’t leave again?”
“No,” he whispered. “I guess not.”
“Do you know what that did to me? Spencer I was devastated. I didn’t even know what I’d done wrong. You just told me it was over and you loved me and you were sorry.” Tears began to fill my eyes.
“I do love you. I was sorry. I never meant to hurt you,” he looked at me with the same pained expression that tore my world apart. “I thought it was for the best. If it’s any consolation, I look like shit and you look beautiful.”
My lips curled into a smile.
“I’ve never been beautiful,” my shoulders slumped. “Not beautiful enough for you.”
“I hate when you feel that way,” he moved back towards the couch and sat beside me. “I never wanted you to feel that way.”
“You made me feel this way,” the honest response stung him. I saw his eyes flinch. “You left me.”
“I came back,” he offered quietly. “I came back for you.”
“And now what?”
“Now, we go on. We love each other. We let this play out and see what happens,” his suggestion sounded like everything I wanted, but I was afraid.
“But you may leave again?”
“No,” he promised me. “I won’t leave again.”
“How do I know?”
“Because I can’t live without you Avery,” he looked me eye to eye. “I am addicted to you.”
“You don’t want to be,” I reminded him.
“No, I don’t. I am afraid of it. But I can’t stop,” he shrugged and smiled.
“Actions speak louder than words,” I heard Colby yell.
“My actions brought me back,” he continued her sentiment. “Doesn’t that mean something?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
“Can you honestly say that you can just let me walk away today if you have the chance to stop me?”
I shook my head no. He knew better. There was no way I could let him leave. Not if I had the opportunity to make him stay.
“Can you commit to me?” I asked.
“Commit?”
“Can we be official? Can you give me what I need?” he knew what I meant.
“I would give you anything you asked me for,” he replied seriously. “Even if it cost me my life.”
“Can you stop expecting that I’m like everyone else?”
“I’ll try. It’s harder than you think,” he answered. “I know me. I know life. I know people in it.”
“You realize you did exactly what you were afraid of?”
“yes,” he answered. “I do. And I’m so sorry.”
When I saw his eyes shimmer with tears my decision was made. There was nothing I wouldn’t do to make him smile. Seeing him cry was out of the question. It could not happen. Especially at my doing.
“Okay,” I answered.
“God Damn it!” I heard Colby shout.
“She made you said yes because I might hurt you? Or she worried that I’ll take you away from her?” Spencer teased.
“Not sure,” I looked towards the kitchen. “Probably a blend of both.”
“She’s going to have to get used to me Avery,” he smiled. “I’m not planning to go anywhere.”
“you better not!”
“Okay, look I have some rules,” Colby appeared out of nowhere. “if you guys insist on doing this again.”
“My relationship Colb,” I reminded her. “My choice.”
“My time and energy spent helping you through the crash. I watched you lie there and cry for days. I watched you stop eating and wanting to do anything. I think I get a fair chance to share my rules.”
I watched Spencer’s face flinch again at the mention of me crying and not eating. He hated hurting me as bad as I hated hurting him.
“Fine,” I agreed.
“First, you are my best friend,” Colby turned to Spencer. “She’s my best friend Spencer. I get best friend things. And some things just to have them. You can’t have her every day all day.”
