by Flatman, NJ
“I can agree to that,” Spencer chuckled.
“Second, if you are going to be here so much, help clean.” She ordered.
“Okay,” he laughed. “That’s doable.”
“And third,” she looked at me and I saw pain flash on her face. “If you bail again, she deserves in person with an explanation.”
“I won’t be bailing again. I know what…”
“I don’t care. That’s the rule.” Colby snapped.
“Okay,” he replied. “Deal.”
“That’s all,” she said quickly and walked back out of the room.
“So you will be mine again?”
“Yes,” I smiled.
“Will you promise to love me forever?” he asked hopefully.
“Of course,” I answered. “Unless you leave your hair like that. Then the deal’s off.”
“You don’t like my do?”
“Not at all.” I replied.
“Why?”
“It covers your eyes and looking into your eyes is sometimes the only way I have to believe that you love me.”
“that’s morbid Avery,” he twisted his face up. “I love you. But if you need to see my eyes to know that, then I’ll get a haircut.
“Good,” I finished. “Now, I think you owe me a night out.”
“Dinner and a movie?”
“Sounds fabulous.,” I replied.
Spencer stood and walked towards the door.
“I’ll pick you up at eight for the date,” he chuckled. “be ready.”
And with that Spencer left and my life resumed it’s normal place in the world. A fact that made me happier than I’d ever been.
Chapter 13
I listened to the sound of the waves smash into the shore as I sat alone in the sand. Colby was long gone- most likely off to finally have some excitement on her vacation- and I really had nowhere else to be so I’d just stayed where I was.
Emotions overwhelmed me. Guilt. Anger. Pain. Emptiness. Each of them flipping through my body like a slideshow. A movie of the torment that waged inside. A peek into the gaping hole that had once held my heart. My shoulders drooped, heavy with heartache, and my eyes tried to close.
The moonlight hit the water at an angle that brightened everything up. It amazed me that no one else had ventured to this spot. The sights and sounds were phenomenal.
Hearing the distant beat of music and chorus of voices I presumed that the rest of the guests had found more exciting ways to spend their time. People flocked to people. I found my peace in solitude. The emptiness that flooded my soul required that I sit alone.
It wasn’t lost on me that where I sat was probably the most romantic spot in the entire resort. I could imagine couples walking along the edge of the water in the moonlight, holding hands, kissing under the stars. A blanket and a late night bottle of wine would lead to a perfect cuddling opportunity.
Spencer would have liked the spot. Maybe that’s why I chose to stay there out of every choice I had. He wasn’t much for crowds and clamor. He liked out of the way places where he could unwind and enjoy time with the people he loved. Which had mostly been me.
For a moment I thought about taking a picture so that I could show him. Then I was reminded that he no longer existed in my world and the ache returned, stronger than ever. Even the fifth of vodka that I’d downed sitting on that very shore couldn’t stop the tears and the pain. There was no way to dull what I was feeling.
I had thought that with enough time, the stab would be less sharp. It had been my belief that if I waited patiently -and by some means found a way to make it through the days and, in particular, the nights- it wouldn’t feel as strong. But that never seemed to happen. Every memory, every token of our relationship, felt like he had just walked out.
The only thing that seemed to be changing was my mindset. I’d never believed that he didn’t love me. I was positive he did. That our connection was real. That he was just as addicted with me as I was to him. We had a special bond that nothing would break and no one could force their way through.
There wasn’t anyone that had really thought he loved me. Everyone in my life had believed he was playing games. As I found myself lying back on the sand in the moonlight- curling my knees to my chest- I felt like maybe he was.
Love wasn’t supposed to leave. It wasn’t supposed to hurt. He’d promised me that he’d never hurt me. But he’d lied. Over and over again he’d hurt me. Every time promising that he wouldn’t do it again. Yet he did. He swore he didn’t mean to hurt me. I believed him. Why? How many times can you repeat the same thing and still say you didn’t mean it? And if he’d lied about that, maybe the love was a lie as well.
That was when I allowed myself to collapse. Something I’d not done since that first two days. Yes, sometimes I cried or got lost in the immeasurable hole of my sorrow when I was alone at night. But to simply disintegrate and explode- it hadn’t happened in a long time.
If anyone had walked up on me that night I’d have almost certainly been admitted. Drunk and coiled into the fetal position on the sand, crying and breathless, I was a mess. I’d held in so much for so long. After that first couple of days, when I’d lie in the bed and let myself hurt, I’d shut it off. No matter what I was doing, or how abandoned I was or agonizing it felt, I’d forced myself to move on. Hold back the emotions.
The three days that Colby and I had been at the beach had been the most awful. She’d made me face life when I didn’t want to. Pushing me to do things had left me remembering why I didn’t care to leave the room. And little comments, aimed at a tough love approach, had dug deeper into the wounds, opening them for me to contend with yet again.
I’d had to make believe I was okay, show no signs of failing, or she’d use it against me to try and further her vacation plan. So I did. But in that moment, as I lie on the sand, I let it all out. Not just Spencer and what we’d had, but Colby and what we were losing.
She despised me and I didn’t fully fault her. But I resented her too for not helping me through my crash. And I wasn’t positive our friendship could endure this. Or that either of us would really want it to when all was said and done.
I wasn’t sure when things had changed. I’d known she didn’t like Spencer all that much, but why did it come down to hurting me in the process? Was that really fair of her? No, I hadn’t been the greatest friend. But I loved her and she’d abandoned me. I needed her and she’d walked away, telling me that I was wrong.
I let myself feel every emotion deep into my core. Nothing was reflex. All of it was gut-wrenching and filled with more passion than my shattered body could hold.
I allowed the hurt to engulf me; and I cried. Sobs that I didn’t think I had in me. But that sadness wasn’t all that there was. Resentment boiled beneath the surface. At Spencer for leaving me. For letting me rely on him. For promising to love me when he couldn’t keep that pledge. He had hurt me over and over again until I didn’t think I could take it. He’d let me keep loving him knowing that he would never love me the same. If he did, he wouldn’t leave.
I didn’t care about his past. Not enough to warrant the way he treated me. I had done nothing to deserve it. Yet I kept having to live without him until he felt the need to return and start all over again.
Annoyance at where I was in life- trapped in an apartment that we’d picked out together and forced to look at ‘our’ things and try not to remember that he had left. Anger at the bills that were stacking up and the customers in the restaurant that didn’t seem to care what kind of mood I was in.
I was mad at my friends and family that had obviously departed from my life. My parents that had said some cruel and heartless things just before I left town because they didn’t like Spencer.
Yes I was hurt. But I was mad as hell. And part of that fury was at my best friend. The one I’d known most of my short life. The one that was supposed to love me and support me and always be there for me.
The words she’d said. The way she
’d cut me open over and over. The fact that she hated me for being broken. I was mad. Nothing I’d done to her had ever been bad enough to hurt me.
She had deserved for me to bail on her. Why should I have went out and had fun with her, when she had made it a mission to watch me fall apart even worse than I already had.
The emotions consumed me almost as wholly as Spencer had during our time together. I couldn’t take them any longer. Something had to give if I was going to be able to continue everyday tasks. The pain and the gap in my soul were taking over my life. And I decided that it was time. I was going to let some of it out. Have a little bit of closure.
Sitting up on the beach, eyes swollen almost shut from crying so hard and for so long, I pulled out my phone. My hands shook violently as I held it. Fear waged a battle inside of me.
A quick swipe of my hand pushed the sand off of the screen and I was able to pull up the call logs.
Spencer.
It was right there in front of me. His name. His number.
And I was about to use it. I was going to call the man and tell him how cruel he’d been. He would know what he’d done to my life. And I’d feel better.
Or would I? What if he was with someone? What if he told me that he’d never loved me? What if he just refused to answer?
These were the questions that raced through my mind. The thoughts that provoked the panic that began to rumble. Would closure be good if closure meant that I had to know something that painful?
I would be careful. Not saying anything to hurt him. I didn’t want to think I’d caused him pain. But I would share that I had vanished and that everything around me was falling apart and I didn’t understand why he’d done that to me. He needed to know that.
Avoiding the truth, I told myself that I only wanted to close that door. It wasn’t really my reason. Something inside of me longed to change his mind. I hoped with everything left inside of me that he would hear my voice and need me as much as I needed him. That he would be unable to live any longer pretending that I didn’t matter.
I hit the button that dialed and put the phone to my ear. Clearing my throat I prepared to talk in spite of the growing lump and the fact that my mouth was dried out. But I wouldn’t get the opportunity. The voice that came across the line shocked me enough that I dropped the device into the sand at my feet.
“We’re sorry, but the number you have called has been disconnected or is no longer in service.”
I heard the female computerized voice repeat the same message three times before I grabbed my phone and pressed end. His phone had been shut off. If I’d had any uncertainty that Spencer was done, that had quelled it. In all the time I’d known him, all the times he’d left, we’d always still had the phone. He had taken that away.
Like a machine, I lifted the handset up and unlocked the screen once more. I flipped open my contact list and scrolled to his name. I could feel my chest tighten. The pain was unreasonable.
Spencer.
I felt the tears well in my eyes and my heart sink. He had disconnected the number. He was gone. I kept telling myself that it was time, but nothing in me wanted to believe it. I closed my eyes- squeezing back the tears- and let my finger hit the button.
Delete.
Confirm.
It was done. Opening my eyes, I pulled up the text messages and clicked on the ones from him. Tears streamed down my face. I tried to avoid reading them, but some of the words caught my eye. It was over, I told myself. He was gone. I felt the last of my hope shatter as I pressed the button.
Delete.
Confirm.
Done.
unexpectedly it was as if the phone was blazing hot and scorching my fingers. I threw it hard and far from me. I didn’t want to hold it any longer or look at it. Just when I thought the hurting had been somewhat restrained it was as if I lost him all over again. As if he had just walked out once more. Only this time I had no doubt he was not coming back.
My shoulders heaved involuntarily and I felt them droop further. Soon after, my body followed. Falling forward onto my stomach in the sand, I twisted sideways and pulled my knees up to my torso. My head fell downward towards them. The fetal position- something that’d become habit since Spencer’s latest disappearance.
Everything inside of me broke for the final time and I allowed myself to surrender to the tears. Holding myself, I lay on that coastline and cried harder than I had ever cried in my life. finality wasn’t nearly as gratifying as I had anticipated when I’d made the call. Knowing that I would never see his smile or hear his voice again left me feeling as though breathing was too much exertion.
I closed my eyes and could see him. Standing over the mattress- his dark hair a little longer than it should have been and hanging in his puppy dog brown eyes- he was smiling. A perfect smile that would have melted any heart.
“What?” I’d asked him as he continued to stare down at me, eyes fervent.
“I got the job!” the proclamation we’d both been waiting for.
“Oh my God!” I could still hear my shriek as I threw down the book I’d been reading and stood up to give him a hug. “I knew you would!” I added, not quite positive I believed it.
Spencer had pulled back from me just a little bit and looked down into my eyes. His own danced with a brightness that I adored as his lips curled just slightly into a smirk.
“You always believe in me Avery,” he’d said tenderly, wrapping his tough and muscular arms around me. “Even when I don’t deserve it.”
“You always deserve it Spence,” I’d smiled and let myself descend into his grip.
“You’re incredible…” he’d paused for a split second and leaned over to kiss my forehead. “I hope you know that.”
“I just hope you always think it,” the words had been sincere.
“I’ll never forget,” he’d kissed my forehead again before pulling me deeper into his arms and holding me. “Never.”
It hurt. The words. The vision of him. The pledge that he’d failed to keep. All of it hurt in a way I couldn’t put in plain words and to an intensity I didn’t think I could endure.
But it was over and one way or another I had to find the strength to pick up the pieces and make it through. As soon as I was finished crying- which would end up lasting an hour or so.
The tears began to settle and I thought of Colby. She had gone and I needed her. More than anything, I was remorseful. I wanted to go to her and be apologetic and let her help me through this agony. I’d never known anything like it and I was pretty damn sure I couldn’t do it by myself.
As I stood and accepted that Spencer was gone for good and I no longer had any contact with him, I turned on my heels and set off to find my best friend. She deserved my apology. She was correct and I had been mistaken all along. It was time to finally make up for being the lousy friend that I was. Both while Spencer was there, and since he’d been gone.
Chapter 14
“Where are we going?” Spencer had shown up at the apartment and told me we were taking a drive. Over an hour later I still had no clue where we were headed.
“It’s a surprise Avery,” he smiled from the driver’s seat. “Can’t you let me give you something special once in a while?”
“You do,” I blushed. “Every day that I spend with you.”
“As sweet as that is,” he grinned, “I meant a little more than that.”
“Well, can you give me a hint?” I pleaded.
“Nope,” he laughed.
“Are we close?” I asked, noticing that we were nearing the Wisconsin border.
“Wait and see,” he teased.
“You are horribly mean!” I joked.
“Awhh,” he poked his bottom lip out. “Are you going to survive?”
“I’m no longer speaking to you,” I lied. “Until we reach our destination. Because you are just mean!”
His laugh filled up the small sedan and made me smile as I refused to look in his direction. As much as Spenc
er worried about the fallout of love, he was generally a very happy person. Whenever he laughed it was a genuine, from the gut kind of sound and it made everyone around him feel good.
I may have been joking about him being mean, but I really had no clue where he might be taking me. The day had begun like any other Friday. I’d gone to work and spent most of the day smiling and wondering if I’d see him over the weekend.
Right as I pulled up to my apartment, he’d informed me that we were going somewhere. I wasn’t positive where, but he’d had me pack an overnight bag so apparently we were staying wherever it was until Saturday.
It was the middle of winter so there weren’t a lot of places that might have been available during the summer. He had known that I loved Wisconsin Dells, but only the hotels would be open during the cold months. I also enjoyed camping, but again that wasn’t feasible.
I watched the scenery change from city landscapes to fields as we continued to head north.
“Can I pee?” I asked, hoping that maybe he’d share how much longer the trip was.
“Sure babe,” He’d smiled and slid into the right lane to take an exit.
We stopped at a small service station not far past the state line and I grabbed a drink and went to the bathroom. I loved the fact that he’d been spontaneous, but I wanted more than anything to know what we were doing.
I fell asleep after our stop, leaving me with no idea how far we travelled or what time it was going to be when we arrived. Occasionally I would open my eyes and see if I could tell where we were, but there was never a good enough clue to help me figure it out.
“Where are we?” I asked, still half asleep after a several hour nap.
I sat up and looked around. We appeared to be in some sort of wooded area, but I couldn’t quite tell where in the dark. Barren maple trees were covered in snow that sparkled in the moonlight. It was amazing how beautiful the snow was when you stepped out of the city for a while.
Spencer stopped in front of a small building and told me that he’d be right back. I waited in the car, taking in the surroundings. On the other side of the building was what appeared to be a lake that was frozen over with pure white snow.
