Breathe

by Amber Lacie

  Her bed is tucked against the far corner, taking up as little space as possible. There are only two windows, both of which are blocked by trees, so there is not a lot of natural lighting. With the stark white walls covered in neon signs that she has collected over the past few years, natural light isn’t needed.

  “You never answered me earlier. You going to Holden’s with me tonight, or not? It’s going to be a warm night, so we are going to take the trail right by the creek. And before you say no, it’s Holden. You can’t say no to him.”

  Tossing a yellow smiley face pillow at her, I jump on her bed. I land flat on my back with not even the slightest bounce. “One, how the hell do you sleep on this thing? It’s like a cement block. Two, I can say ‘no’ to Holden. I have done it before.”

  “Oh, really? When?” Rebecca pops her hip out and lays her hand across it. She looks just like her mom when she does that. The thought pings in my heart, causing a little splinter of pain to spread through it.

  “I can’t give you a time off the top of my head, and stop standing like that. You look old.”

  “You can’t tell me because it has never happened. And fuck you with your ‘you look old’ bullshit. You are older than me by one year.”

  “Which makes me your elder. Show me more respect and stop questioning me.”

  “Whatever. You going to eat here for dinner, or are you going to go home?”

  The choice of eating with Rebecca’s family and the high probability of my stopping at the diner to bring some food home to my dad tumbles in my head like sheets in a washing machine. Everything tangles and it becomes hard to sort out. I know there will be a delicious hot meal waiting for me downstairs if I choose it, but leaving my dad to fend for himself doesn’t help my already existing guilt. “I’m going to stop by the diner and get my schedule. I’ll just pick up something there.”

  “Carsten, you don’t have to take care of him. It should be the other way around.”

  “Well, it’s not. Besides, it won’t be like this much longer. Michael already has the apartment set up. I just need to make it through graduation and then I’m gone.”

  “And you’re going to just leave this all behind?”

  “The only thing keeping me here right now is school. Don’t sigh at me, either. I love you, but you know I need out. I can’t keep doing this.”

  Rebecca doesn’t say a word. Instead, she turns her back and walks back down the stairs. I lay on her cement block for a few more minutes, before gathering my strength to face the rest of the day. She is obviously still mad at me, and there is nothing I can do about it.

  As my feet hit the bottom stair, I can see her sitting at the kitchen table next to her older brother, Jefferson. Her mom is standing in front of the stove stirring something in a pot, which smells divine. Giving a soft wave, I let them know that I am leaving. Jefferson is the only one who notices me. A look of pity crosses his face before I walk out the front door. I kick a couple of rocks, jump in my truck, and head back towards town.

  I should get my dad something to eat. He promised me this morning, after I stepped over him lying drunk on the kitchen floor that he wouldn’t drink again. “I’ll be a better father, you’ll see. You’ll see.” All I saw was a drunken man that I no longer wanted anything to do with, laying in a puddle of his own piss. It is all lies, but guilt seeps under my skin whenever I think about leaving him on his own. He doesn’t even know that I am leaving town. I haven’t had the heart to tell him, yet. I think I’ll just leave quietly one day, let the screen door shut behind me, and close out a chapter in my life that I never want to revisit.

  *****

  There are a few cars in front of the diner when I pull up, but what catches my attention is Michael’s brother, Jimmy, sitting next to Holden on the blue bench outside the big front window. Michael doesn’t like Holden, so I am having a hard time trying to make sense of what I see in front of me. I put the truck in park and stare for a few seconds.

  Jimmy has his elbow propped up on the back of the bench. It is striking how similar he looks to his older brother. They both adorn beautifully tanned skin with bright blue eyes and sun kissed blonde hair. Jimmy even tries to style his hair the same way as Michael’s, but he never quite gets it right.

  Holden nods towards me. The smile in his deep brown eyes doesn’t go unnoticed. A mischievous grin appears on his face. Warning. Warning. Whatever he is up to isn’t going to play in my favor. My stomach is sinking. Trying desperately to anchor it, I step onto the hot cement, quietly shutting my door behind me.

  “Hey there, tall and beautiful. You working today?”

  “Hey, Jimmy. No, I’m just picking up a couple things and grabbing my schedule for next week. What are you two up to?” My eyes flash back and forth between the two. Holden gives me a wink, knowing the trouble he is causing.

  “Allow me.” Standing, Holden opens the door for me. His shadow engulfs mine as he stands behind me, softly touching my lower back as I step into the diner. “You smell beautiful as always.” His words are whispered near my ear, but loud enough for Jimmy to hear.

  Rolling my eyes, I take a larger stride to separate us, and spin around on my heel. “Why do you do that? It’s only going to cause trouble for me.” My hands fly up in the air, then quickly fall back down to my sides. It is pointless. “Why are you sitting with him?”

  “I wasn’t. I was waiting for you. I thought you might stop by, and I haven’t seen you in a few days. Are you going to come by later? I got new tires for the quad.”

  “I’m not interested in tires, Holds. Why was Jimmy sitting with you? What did he want?”

  “The same thing he’s always after.”

  “Great. He was asking about me. Did you mention taking me on the quad later?”

  Holden just smiles. The thought of wrapping my hands around his neck, while berating him in public, flitters through my mind, but I let it pass. I can’t believe that he would do that, knowing that Jimmy is going to call Michael the first chance he gets. I will be surprised if he’s not using the payphone on the side of the diner.

  “Do you realize what you’ve done? Just go, Holden.” Irritation fuels me, as I stomp off into the kitchen behind the front counter. I grab my schedule and order two burgers to go. By the time I get back to my truck, Holden is long gone, but Jimmy is still lingering outside.

  “My brother loves you. I don’t know why you insist on flirting with every guy in town in front of me. You think I won’t tell him?”

  “First of all, fuck you. I haven’t flirted with anyone. Holden only did that to get a reaction from you, and it seems as though it worked.”

  “Whatever, you tell yourself that so you can sleep better at night.” He slinks across the side of my truck, leaving an invisible trail of slime. There is something about him. I can’t place my finger on it, but there is something off. Chills course down my spine, as I start my truck and head for home.

  *****

  The sun sets later each day, making the day drag on. I find myself anxious for sleep, knowing the next morning will be a day closer to me finally getting out of here. The scenery on these long twisting back-roads is breathtaking. It might be the one thing that I will miss.

  Gravel kicks up from under my tires as I turn onto the driveway. Our house is old and is in desperate need for fresh paint, but the porch is perfect. Holden helped me replace a few boards and gave it a fresh coat of paint for me last summer. It is my favorite part of the house now. It used to be the kitchen when mom was baking cookies or pies, but now I don’t like the feel of it anymore. The house is empty and vacant without her. The curtains in the bay window gently flitter in the breeze. I would give anything for the wind to just blow this all away.

  My heart sinks as I open the door, finding lamps, picture frames, and glass smashed all over the hardwood floor. There is a small trail of tiny blood droplets leading to the bathroom. The drunk must have cut himself. I push on the door with all my weight. It barely moves. Squaring myself
up with the door, I ram my shoulder into it. It opens, but just enough for me to barely squeeze in. My dad is lying on the tile floor between the doorway and the toilet. He is the reason that I couldn’t open the door.

  “I cut myself. I think I have done it good this time, Firefly.” My heart pains as the nickname my mom gave me, falls from his lips. She always told me that we were meant to be together. We were like fireflies in the night sky, beautiful and full of hope, but only we knew how bright the other truly shined. I can picture her laughing, while making me a peanut butter sandwich. She would wipe a little bit on her nose and pretend that she didn’t know it was there.

  A cough drags me from my memory. I look down toward my dad, as he shows me his hand covered in a blood-soaked rag. “Dad, I need you to move over so I can look at you.” He slides his feet over for me, so that I can step around him. Unwrapping his hand, I find to my surprise, that it is not deep at all. He has skinned a few knuckles, but it won’t need stitches. “Where is all the blood coming from? It can’t be from just a few scrapes.”

  “Well, I do have this pain in my side.” He coughs grasping his side.

  Looking down towards his right side, I notice his shirt is also soaked in blood. The deep red spreads up his white t-shirt, turning into a light shade of pink. “Oh, Daddy. Don’t move. I’ll get someone.”

  My hands are shaking by the time I am able to squeeze back out of the door and make it to the kitchen. I knock the phone off the wall and end up juggling to catch it. My fingers hit the buttons harder than they need to in my state of desperation. Someone answers and starts asking me a lot of questions. I try to answer them as best as I can, but I find myself rambling. “Please, he has cut himself really bad! There’s broken glass everywhere. His shirt is soaked with blood. I can’t move him. What do I do? I don’t know what to do. Please, help me.”

  *****

  The ambulance arrives before the police. They end up removing the hinges from the door, so they can get in the bathroom and have enough room to move around. When the police arrive, my dad is already on the stretcher and I’m standing on the porch with my arms wrapped around me. Trying to comfort yourself with an embrace is futile. It does absolutely nothing, but I find myself in that exact position, staring down the stairs at the sheriff.

  “Come on. We’ve got to make a report of this, okay?” He looks at me with pity in his eyes, as he holds his wide brimmed hat in his hands. I don’t want his pity. I just want this to be over. “Carsten, come here, sweetie. I know this looks bad, but he has been in a worse state before. He’ll be alright.”

  Shaking my head, I walk down the steps. “I have got to follow them. He’ll need a ride home.”

  “Carsten, you’re too young to be this old. You hear me? Now, Jenkins will bring him by once he’s stitched up and they release him. You’re nineteen now, so I can look the other way, but I won’t do it again. This has got to stop. Now, your daddy has been a friend of mine since we were kids. I know Kathleen’s death has taken a toll on you all, but no more. He needs to be a man. I won’t be able to ignore this anymore. The next time, I’ll have to arrest him.”

  “Well, make sure you give him that little speech of yours. I have done my best. I have prayed, I have cried, and I have begged. Tell me what I’m supposed to do. He’s my dad. Isn’t he supposed to take care of me?” Hot angry tears slice down my cheeks.

  “Hush. It’s alright. You need a break from this. I’ll contact you if we need you, but for now, I have Holden coming by.”

  The comfort his son’s name brings isn’t something that I should be wanting right now. “You didn’t need to send for him.”

  “I didn’t. I stopped at home to pick up a few things, when I got the call. Holden heard it over the scanner. Rebecca was with him. He was going to give her a ride home and then head over.”

  “Oh.” As much as I want to be angry with the world right now, the thought of my best friend coming over is comforting. I’m sure he already has some elaborate plan to rescue me. I sit on the bottom step, fold my hands in my lap, and watch as the ambulance, followed by the sheriff’s car, head into town. If they aren’t worried, then neither am I. At least, that is what I try to convince my heart of, but it doesn’t work. I have lost my mom and now I fear that I have lost the only parent I have left. But this is different. Mom didn’t choose to leave me. He did.

  Chapter 2

  The sound of gravel crunching, grabs my attention, springing my eyes upwards where they land on Holden. His hands are loosely wrapped around the handles of his dark red four-wheeler. Dirt is already caked onto his pants and there are leaves in his dark brown hair. A devilish grin appears on his face, revealing his dimples. A definite sign of trouble.

  “They took my dad away in an ambulance and you show up here on your quad?”

  Laughing, Holden jumps off and holds his hand out for me. “Your steed awaits, my lady.”

  “This isn’t funny, Holds, none of this is funny.” Tears fall steadily down my cheeks like a soft spring rain.

  “Carsten, I’m so sorry. Of course, it’s not funny. I’m not here to make you laugh. I have come to take you away from this hell surrounding you. Do you trust me?”

  “Of course, I do.”

  “Then what is stopping you?” Sighing, I wipe away my tears and stare straight into the eyes of my best friend, who happens to be the only person that I can’t say no to. Somewhere in the back of my mind, the thought of Michael knowing whispers a warning, and guilt begins to eat at me. He wouldn’t like me riding off into the sunset with Holden. He doesn’t even like me talking to him.

  “I don’t know. You? Maybe I don’t want to get hurt anymore. Maybe I don’t want to cry anymore. You can’t fix those things.”

  “I can’t, but Michael can? How does that make any sense?”

  “I didn’t say that. I never said that.”

  “You didn’t need to. Look, I came here as a friend, as your best friend. Your dad is failing you; I don’t want to fail you, too. Just come for a ride with me. Let’s just forget everything and fling some mud.”

  His soft brown eyes plead with me. Of course, he knows that I won’t say no. The corner of his mouth raises and one by one his dimples appear. Pearly white teeth glare in the sun. Angel or devil? I’m not sure which. Taking his hand, I plant my ass firmly on the seat, while wrapping my arms around his waist, and ride off with the danger into the woods.

  The first couple of bumps make me laugh. Holden turns off the worn-down path in the thin acre of woods, separating my house from the main road, and heads into the soybean fields. The front tires bounce off the first ridge, causing me to squeal. I can feel his laugh vibrate through his chest, as I cling tighter to him. The scent of woods and sweat fill my nose. My stomach does an odd flip, but I push it to the back of my mind.

  “Are you ready, Carsten?”

  Leaning towards his left ear, I raise my voice, so that it is just louder than the engine roaring under us. “You don’t scare me. Bring it on.”

  “That’s my girl.” My breath stops for a second, my stomach twists into tiny somersaults, and my lungs fill with air, just in time for him to make the first turn across the small creek, which winds through town. It’s not very deep, but it is deep enough for the water to splash over my shoulders, soaking my back in the process, causing me to scream.

  “Holden, it’s cold!” Wrapping my arms tighter around his waist, I give him a little pinch on his side. The only reaction I get is a deep baritone laugh, which echoes through his body into mine. Once again, my stomach drops. It is not necessarily a bad feeling. It’s as though I am sitting at the top of a roller coaster, waiting for it to reach the edge, then suddenly I find myself flying down the first drop as my stomach leaps from my body, before slamming back into me. It is the first time that I have ever second-guessed my thoughts about the boy in front of me.

  Michael. Once again, his name whispers in the back of my mind. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be feeling this, not with Ho
lden. Michael can never know I was here. It would ruin everything. Everything is set. Plans have been made and I refuse to deviate from the path. Dread, anxiety, and fear seep into my veins. I don’t know why I doubt Michael. He has never lied to me. He may be a bit controlling at times, but it is only because he loves me and wants the best for us. If he says everything is ready for me, then I am gone. He is my only way out. The coldness from my shirt turns to ice, as I shut myself off from anymore doubts Holden may bring.

  “Hey, you okay?” Holden yells over his shoulder, but I am not sure what he is asking me.

  “What?”

  He taps my hand letting me know that we are turning around. This time, when we hit the creek, the water barely brushes over the tires. Our speed slows, as he follows the path along the soybean field back into the woods. Gravel crunches quietly under the tires, everything is slow. Sadness hangs in the air, like a dense fog surrounding us. Whatever this is, whatever storm is coming…I am not sure I am ready for it.

  The engine quiets. The coldness from my shirt permeates deep within me. My feet softly slide to the ground, as I unwrap myself from Holden. His body is stiff and unmoving under my fingers. I comb my fingers through my hair and turn around to face him, hoping for a smile. Instead, I find him gripping the handles with his head hanging low, his chin almost touching his chest.

  “Holden?”

  A deep sigh breathes from his chest at the same exact time a strong wind blows through the trees, sprinkling leaves to the ground in its wake. I wonder for a split second, if he can control the wind, but the thought scatters when he lifts his head. I have never seen such sadness in his eyes before. What is going on?

  “You’ll have to give me a minute here. I know where your heart lies and I’m having a hard time adjusting to it.”

  “My heart?”

  “Yeah, that piece of you, you refuse to let me have. The one you swear belongs to that asshole you’re dating. But I know better than that. You locked it away from him, too. I love you, Carsten.”