Breathe

by Amber Lacie

  I walk back downstairs, running my fingers through my wet locks and slam right into Holden’s chest. His hands wrap around my upper arms, steadying me on the last step. “Fuck. You look sexy as hell right now.”

  “Don’t say things like that.” My hand presses against his chest, softly pushing him away from me. He has no clue what he is saying. I am covered in bruises.

  “I won’t lie to you. I never have.”

  “No? Because I could have sworn you said you had class today, but then today you said you didn’t. So, which is it?”

  “I changed my plans.” He steps closer, gently grasping my hand in his.

  “So, you’re ditching?”

  “No. I’m taking care of my girl. It’s way better than ditching.”

  Sighing, I step out of his grasp, walk over to his bed and pull the picture out from under the pillowcase. He looks towards me with his eyebrows furrowed, trying to see what I am holding. A giggle escapes me as I press it against my chest, covering it with my hand as he stalks towards me.

  “What are you hiding?”

  “Nothing.” Laughing, I quickly hide the picture behind my back and fall backwards onto the bed.

  “Oh no, it’s something. I can tell by your laugh. It’s how I know you’re guilty.”

  “It’s mine. That’s what it is.”

  “Show me.” His voice becomes deeper as he stands at the edge of the bed with his legs straddling mine. I don’t move. He wouldn’t hurt me. I know Holden won’t hurt me. Closing my eyes, I steady my breath. I open them to find him leaning against his dresser.

  “I won’t hurt you. I won’t ever make you do anything you don’t want to do.”

  “I know.” I don’t deserve him.

  Nodding his head, he runs his fingers through his hair. I like the way it falls back around his eyes, completely defiant against his attempts to make it do what he wants. I look down at the picture gripped tightly in my hands. I hold it out for him. He is hesitant as first, but I give him a reassuring nod of my head.

  “You took a picture of me while I was sleeping?”

  “Yes.”

  “That’s why you were trying to be sneaky last night?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you want to keep this?”

  “I do.”

  I watch curiously as he takes the picture over to his dresser. Opening a drawer, he grabs a marker and begins to scribble something onto it. He hands it back to me with a soft sigh. My fingers brush his as I take it from him. “Your boy” followed by a small heart and Holden’s signature is written in the white margin. Grinning like a fool, I take it from him and put it back in the pillowcase for safe keeping.

  “So, clothes are on our list of things to acquire. What else do you need?”

  “I don’t know. I left everything at the apartment.”

  “Okay. Let’s make a list. I can give it to my dad. He won’t have any issues gathering your things.”

  “I don’t…no one should have to go back there. It’s just that the box my dad gave me is still there. It was my mom’s.” My voice cracks, betraying my attempt at staying strong.

  “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of it later. I’m going to take a shower and then we will get you some clothes.” Giving me a wink, he heads upstairs. I take advantage of the situation and curl back up under the covers. My body feels drained.

  “Carsten.” A spiced scent with a hint of citrus encircles me. It’s amazing. “Carsten.” No. I don’t want to wake up. I want to stay here in the warmth of my dreams. Something soft presses against my lips. My heart stops. Then immediately starts again, beating furiously to catch back up to its original rhythm. “Gorgeous, it’s time to wake up. We have all night to sleep.”

  My eyes open to deep brown eyes looking down at me. I softly brush my lips with my fingers. Did he kiss me? A deep chuckle breaks from his chest and he stands up pulling me with him. He holds out a deep brown leather jacket for me. I slide my arms into the jacket. My fingers brush against the soft worn leather. I know this jacket. He wears it everywhere.

  “I really want to take you out on the quad, but it isn’t safe for you, yet. I promise when the doctors say you are ready, we will splash through every creek I can find, but can you settle for my truck today?”

  Giving him a half smile, I nod my head. Everything I thought I knew is slowly changing around me. The way my heart sputters and dips when he talks has me on edge. I keep waiting for something bad to happen.

  “Come on. I got you.” His fingers lace through mine and he leads me out of the house. I follow without question. I would follow him anywhere.

  Chapter 11

  Weeds have overgrown the steps on the porch Holden worked so hard restoring. The gravel driveway has all, but disappeared. Empty boxes, random bottles, and garbage bags are piled up by the front door. It doesn’t even look like home anymore. Holden puts the truck in park. We sit in silence, as I look out the window towards my childhood home.

  “You ready?”

  “No.”

  “Okay.” Holden steps out and walks around, opening my door for me. I carefully step down, avoiding random pieces of broken amber glass in the driveway. An eerie silence follows us up the steps to the door. I gently knock, but there is no answer. I turn the handle. It’s unlocked, but I can’t push the door open. It is blocked. Holden steps back and rams his right shoulder into the door. It budges just enough for him to get a foot inside the door. He steps back and rams the door again. It swings open and he stumbles into the house.

  I step in behind him, covering my mouth and my nose at the stench. “Jesus.”

  “None of the lights work.” Holden is standing across the room trying to flip light switches.

  “Great.” Light trickles down the stairs from one of the windows. I can see my door is open. “Is he up there?” I follow the soft sunbeams scattered around me as I head up to my room. Nothing has been touched. I brush a layer of dust off of my dresser with my finger. Turning my head, I look out the window, allowing the light in. My curtains are still tied back from the day I left.

  “At least we can see in here.” Holden steps around me and opens my closet. He randomly starts grabbing clothes, yanking them from their hangers and tossing them into a bag. Worry plagues his features, as he hurriedly moves around the room. I feel lost as I watch my best friend rummage through what is left in my drawers. I took a lot with me when I left, but I couldn’t take everything. I am suddenly very thankful for not having enough room in my truck that day.

  Something crashes downstairs. With wide eyes, I jump back and grab onto Holden’s arm. He pulls me behind him and ties up the bag in his hands. Another loud bang echoes through the house, followed by mumbling.

  “Is he here?”

  Holden doesn’t speak. He grips my hand in his and leads me back down the steps. We turn back into the living room, when I hear glass shatter across the kitchen tile. Against my better judgment, I let go of Holden and step into the kitchen. My dad is leaning against the counter with his head in the sink. His knuckles are white from his tight grip on the countertop. He mumbles again, but I don’t understand any of it.

  “Daddy?” My voice is soft and cautious.

  “Firefly?” His tongue swirls the question around in his mouth.

  “Daddy, what happened? Momma wouldn’t like you like this.”

  “I just had a little drink is all. I can’t find my keys. Your momma called. She wants me to pick up something from the store, but I can’t find my keys.”

  “Daddy. Momma didn’t call.”

  He pushes himself off of the counter and spins to look at me. “Firefly? When did you get so tall?”

  The world crashes around me. His hair is long and matted around his face. His beard is twisted and dirty. The skin under his eyes hangs low. My dad no longer looks like my dad. This man before me is broken and defeated. “Daddy…why?” My voice breaks. I feel strong hands wrap around my waist pulling me against my savior.

  “Now,
don’t look at me like that. Help me find my keys. Your momma will be upset if I can’t find them.”

  Shaking my head, I take a cautious step forward out of the safety of Holden’s arms. “Daddy. Momma didn’t call. You’re drunk. You’re not thinking clearly.”

  “I’m not drunk. What are you getting at?”

  “Daddy, momma isn’t here. She’s gone.”

  Fear consumes his features. He takes a menacing step towards me, and I pull back against Holden. “What are you saying? She wouldn’t leave me. She loves me.”

  “Daddy, please. I know you know. Don’t make me say it.”

  “Lies. You’ve come here to tell me lies. Get out!” His voice booms across the room. Tears rapidly cascade down my cheeks, as I turn to bury myself in Holden’s arms.

  “Ssh. I got you. You shouldn’t be here to see this.” I nod my head in agreement and slowly walk out of the kitchen with him. Holden shifts the bag onto his shoulder, while keeping one arm wrapped around my shoulders, as we walk side by side back down the front steps. He tosses the bag into the bed of the truck, before opening my door and carefully helping me into my seat. He walks around the truck and my eyes fall on my dad, who is standing at the top of the steps. I can see his heart breaking from here.

  “Carsten? Wait. Don’t go. I’m sorry, please don’t go.”

  Ignoring his pleas, I turn my head away, so that I don’t have to look at him. I can hear Holden talking to him, but I don’t listen to what he is saying. Glancing back over to them, I catch Holden patting my dad’s shoulder. They both notice me watching. Holden gives my dad a grim smile and heads back towards the truck. His fingers turn the key and we sit in silence for a few minutes, before he finally turns around to head back to his parents.

  Baggage. It is the word that seems to describe what I have to offer him right now. I look down at my fingers intertwined with Holden’s in my lap. I know he loves me, but I wonder if I love him more. If I were honest with myself from the start, would we still end up here? Do I love him enough to walk away and spare him the wreckage I am dragging behind me? The answer is no. I am selfish. I can’t walk away from him again. My heart sinks, knowing I will ruin his life, but there is nothing I can do about it.

  *****

  We don’t speak again until after Holden has hung most of the clothes he grabbed in the closet next to his. His mouth opens once or twice, but gasps and sighs are all that follow. The silence is killing me. He tosses me a pair of my jeans and one of my t-shirts. Once he is turned around I change into my clean clothes. Clearing my throat, I let him know that I am done. I give him a soft smile and start flipping through the tapes on his dresser. I find a mixed one and throw it in. The end of a radio commercial finishes and then Bon Jovi fills the room.

  “So, how long did you sit around waiting for that one?”

  “For your information, I heard them announce it before it came on.”

  “Nice commercial, by the way.”

  Holden chuckles behind me. “I was able to catch the entire song without cutting any of it off. Fuck the commercial.” I can feel him get closer to me. My palms begin to sweat and my heart skips a beat. I step to the side, just as his arm reaches out towards me. He raises a brow questioning my movements.

  My eyes notice something in a black case tucked away in the corner, behind a pile of dirty laundry. “Play me a song.”

  “No.”

  “Why not? I love it when you play.”

  “If you laugh at me, I will be forced to hang all your unmentionables I collected for you today on the clothesline outside. Everyone will see them.”

  “I won’t laugh. Besides, who is everyone? Your mom? There’s no one else around us.”

  “True, but you and I will know. I might even have Mom take pictures of it. We could send it into the newspaper.”

  “You would not.”

  Giving me a wink, he grabs the guitar case and sets it down on his bed. He pulls out an acoustic guitar with random skull stickers stuck to it. Something in black marker is written in hearts on the neck of the guitar, but I can’t see it. He notices me trying to figure it out and quickly covers it with his hand.

  Determined to find out what he is hiding, I crawl up onto the bed and tuck myself into the corner against the wall with my legs crossed in front of me. His finger plucks the first chord. I lean back against the wall as he starts singing, “I’ll Be There for You” by Bon Jovi. Of course, it is a Bon Jovi song. Holden loves them.

  I stifle a laugh, trying to escape as I listen to his fingers play beautifully, while his voice awkwardly croons out the notes. He might be able to play the guitar, but he is an awful singer. I love it. Holden finishes the song and then quickly tosses his guitar back into its case.

  “Gah. I told you not to laugh.” He runs his hands through his hair and leans against his dresser with his long legs crossed in front of him.

  “I’m not…I’m not.” I do my best to breathe as I deny it. My shoulders shake and give me away. He rolls his eyes and walks back over to the bed, as I break out into a deep laugh. My side starts to ache and I press against it with my hand, letting out a soft moan.

  “See? Damn it. I knew this wasn’t a good idea. Now you’re hurting.”

  “I’m fine. I’ll be okay. I didn’t mean to laugh.”

  “Uh huh.”

  “Oh, don’t be mad. I didn’t mean to laugh. I just couldn’t help it.”

  “Whatever you need to tell yourself.”

  “Don’t be that way. It’s just that you play so beautifully. Maybe you should just play the guitar and not…well…just don’t sing.”

  “I’m not that bad.”

  “Wolves were howling.”

  “Oh, you can fuck off, Carsten. I’m not that bad.”

  I suck in my top lip and clamp down on it with my teeth, trying my best to avoid giving him a response.

  “Wolves, huh? I guess that means I’m good then. Wolves are dangerous. Maybe I’m dangerous then. I could be a bad boy, rock star.”

  “Sure, Holds, sure you could.” Rolling my eyes, I lift my legs as he sits beside me, tucking his legs underneath mine.

  “I love you, Carsten.”

  “I know.” My eyes fall to my hands folded in my lap. I can’t go from one guy to another. What kind of person would that make me? Looking up at Holden, I see the sadness in his eyes. The golden specks have lost their luster. I will hurt you. I love you, Holden. The thoughts are there, but I don’t speak them.

  “When are you going to stop with the Han Solo act and say it back?”

  I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know.”

  “Do you love me?”

  “Since I was five.”

  “No, not that kind of love. Do you love me? Does the world stop when you think about me? Does your day begin and end with thoughts of me? Can you feel me in your dreams? When you breathe, is it the air from my lungs filling yours? Do you love me so much it consumes you completely, leaving room for nothing else?”

  “Holden, I—”

  “I love you, Carsten. I love you like that. I exist to love you. I always have.”

  Never in my life have I ever heard love explained like that before. A lone tear slips down my cheek. Not out of sadness, but from the shock of his words. I want to tell him how true they are for me.

  ‘I can feel you in my dreams. You give me the air I breathe. Forgive me, Holden, if I can’t tell you.’

  My thoughts burst in my heart trying to break free, but I keep my mouth closed holding them in. I’ll just end up hurting him.

  “I’m kind of tired.”

  “Oh. I guess I’ll go then.” He lifts my feet off his and scoots to the edge of the bed. My heart starts frantically beating faster, knowing that he is about to walk away from me. My hand flies out and catches his before he can step away.

  “Don’t go. Please, don’t go.” Sobs wrack my body as I cling to him. He turns and I can see the anguish on his face. He pulls back the covers, pulls me towards him, and
wraps his body around mine. My heart slows. My breathing becomes easier. “Don’t ever leave me.”

  “I won’t. I can’t.” Something warm and wet drips onto my neck, sliding over my shoulder. Is he crying? I feel his breath shudder against my skin. He is.

  “Holden.”

  “Carsten.”

  “Don’t let go.”

  “I got you.” His voice is soft and warm. The rhythm of his chest rising and falling behind me carries me away on a dream where everything is perfect. My face isn’t bruised. My body isn’t scarred and broken. My heart isn’t shattered. Everything is perfect with his arms around me.

  I wake up before he does. His arm is gently lying over my hip. His body is close to mine, but not pressing on me. He is trying to avoid hurting me in his sleep. This boy amazes me. I don’t want to wake him, but I need to pee. Eventually, my bladder wins against my patience and I slide out from under his arm. I try to carefully maneuver myself over him without waking him up. My feet get tangled in the sheets and I slip, almost falling out of the bed. Holden catches me by my shoulders and pulls me on top of him.

  “Escaping?”

  “No…well…kind of. I have to pee.”

  His brow furrows, as he lets my words settle around us. “Next time, just wake me up. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

  “Noted. Can I go now?”

  He nods his head and I push myself from the precarious position I have found myself in. My feet settle on the floor. Pain shoots across my side, causing me to gasp just a bit. Holden sits up, but I stop him with a wave of my hand. “I’ll be fine. I just need some pain medicine.”

  Sighing, Holden stands and grabs my hand, leading me up the stairs towards the bathroom. I give him a soft smile, as I close the door behind me. I need to quit getting so close to him. I don’t want to, but shouldn’t I wait? Shouldn’t I clean up the mess surrounding me before pulling him in? I have never wanted my mom back more than I do right now. She would know what to do. I hang out in the bathroom long enough to put distance between us, but not long enough to draw concern.