Breathe

by Amber Lacie

  Walter oversees the cutting of the turkey. He tricks Carol by pretending to cut off his thumb. She believes him for a second, but when we all start laughing, she smacks Walter with her napkin and mutters about him being childish. We relish ourselves in food and conversation as the night progresses. Carol and I clean up the table, while the boys decide on what game to play. Holden tries to take the easy way out by choosing Trivial Pursuit, but Walter has the final say. When he sets up the Monopoly game on the table, I look over at Holden. He mouths an “I told you so” and blows me a kiss.

  Carol owns Park Place and Walt owns all four railroads. They are giving Holden and I a run for our money. I purchase a hotel for Connecticut and start to slice up some of the dark chocolate French silk pie his mom has resting on the counter. I pass out the slices with forks to everyone.

  My mouth is watering by the time I take my seat at the table. Using the edge of my fork, I slowly cut into my slice. The chocolate hits my tongue and my taste buds explode. It is so rich. I take another bite and close my eyes, enjoying every single moment of it.

  Holden lays his hand on my thigh and leans over whispering in my ear, “Stop doing that.”

  “Doing what?”

  “Eating your pie like that. I’m the only reason you should moan.”

  I choke on my pie and push Holden away from me, as he chuckles.

  “Holden, help the poor girl. Why would you laugh? She’s choking. Help her.” Carol yells at Holden, causing him to laugh even harder.

  Coughing, I wave my hand in the air towards her. “I’m fine. I’m fine.”

  “Are you sure?” God bless this woman for being concerned about me. She is completely oblivious to the devilish nature of her son.

  “I’m okay. It just went down the wrong way.” Clearing my throat, I take a couple of big gulps of water, ignoring the brown floppy haired hyena next to me.

  “You had me worried. I think we should call it a night. It’s late and poor Carsten had to save herself because you wouldn’t help her. Why in the hell are you still laughing?” The confusion on her face is apparent. Holden yelps and immediately stops laughing. I notice him rubbing his shin under the table, which leads me to believe Walter must have kicked him.

  “Sorry, Mom.” Holden hangs his head in a sheepish apology.

  “Don’t apologize to me. Your fiancé was the one choking.”

  “Sorry, Carsten.” Our eyes meet and I catch the tiniest of winks, as he gives me his lopsided grin. I know that smile. He is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Pushing his chair back from the table, he stands and collects our plates. He sets them softly into the sink and holds his hand out for mine. “I think it’s time I put my girl to bed. She’s going to need her rest, since she nearly died eating mom’s pie.”

  “What? Why would you say it like that? You make it sound as though I poisoned her.”

  “Well, did you?” Holden raises his eyebrow and starts laughing again when Carol’s mouth flaps open and shut with a loss for words.

  “Holden. That was mean. Carol, all the food was delicious. Before he rushes me off downstairs, I wanted to ask you if you’d like to go look at a few dresses I have picked out. I thought maybe we could go the week after New Year’s. They might even be on sale.”

  “Carsten, we can go whenever you’d like. Thank you for inviting me to go with you. You guys get some rest. It’s obvious Holden is delirious with exhaustion.”

  Carol barely finishes her sentence, before Holden lifts me into his arms and carries me out of the kitchen. I nuzzle against his firm chest, as he carries me out of the kitchen. Holden laughs when Walter mumbles about him ‘having it bad’ to Carol.

  Holden sets me down at the top of the stairs, but he holds my hands, as I walk down them. We always have to touch. There is never a time when we are together where he is not touching me. His parents have set up an air mattress where his bed used to be. I smile when I see the dog I won him propped up on a pillow.

  “I thought I lost him.” Holden picks it up, squeezing it against his chest.

  “Do you two need a moment? I could go back upstairs.”

  “I need a moment with you. Come here.” Tossing the stuffed dog onto the floor, he curls his finger, motioning for me to come closer to him. My body moves without any thought. I am pulled to him like a magnet. Grabbing the hem of my sweater, he pulls it over my head. My hair falls back onto my shoulder and over my breasts.

  His fingers softly brush against my skin, as he sweeps my blonde hair off my shoulder, letting it cascade down my back. Tracing the curves of my breasts, he pushes down the cup of my bra, exposing my nipple to the chilly air. He looks me in the eye, before moving his head towards my breast, taking my hard peak into his mouth. His tongue swirls and massages my nipple. My head falls back and I moan, as his teeth scrape against my sensitive flesh.

  “Holy shit.”

  “You like that?”

  “Mmmm.” It is so fucking good. He places his leg between me and slowly walks me backwards to the bed. My body is his instrument. He knows exactly what chords to pluck. Holden pops the button on my jeans and slowly eases down the zipper. Stepping out of my jeans, I slide off my panties and crawl onto the air mattress. I lean back on my elbows, watching his every move as he undresses. I find myself biting my lip, as I follow the trail of hair below his navel. His thighs flex, as he steps towards me, rubbing his hard cock in his hand. Fuck.

  “God, you’re sexy.”

  “I was just thinking the same thing about you.” Laughing, he shakes his head. I don’t know why he never believes me. He is incredibly handsome. My eyes trace the outlines of his firm body. My breath leaves my lungs, as he crawls over me. Wrapping an arm around my waist, he turns me on my side. His body is flush against mine. I gasp, as I feel him slide into me, his fingers digging into my hip. My back arches, as I push against him, matching him thrust for thrust. Sweat beads on my skin and I begin to slide from his grip. His hand pins my hips into place. My body races towards the heavens, I explode around him.

  Holden kisses my shoulders over and over. A loud moan escapes my chest, as his teeth clamp down onto the curve of my neck. He slams into me, his fingers desperately clinging to me, and I can feel his warm release, as his body stills against me. “Fuck. Carsten. Supernovas everywhere.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Exploding supernovas everywhere, baby. Fuck, you blind me.”

  I grin like an idiot. He falls onto his back. Taking a deep breath, he tries to calm himself. Rolling over, I curl my body against his and press my ear to his chest. His heartbeat has to be the most soothing sound in existence. Its rhythm plays a song just for me. My eyes close when his arms wrap around me, cocooning me with his body. I truly love this man.

  Chapter 19

  I spin around on the small wooden box they have placed under my feet. My eyes catch the way the white lace falls behind me in the floor length mirror. The lace crawls up my body, becoming tighter around my hips. A teardrop is cut out into the back of the dress, leaving my smooth skin exposed. The lace wraps around my sides, slides up my stomach, and over my shoulder where it meets up with the back of the dress. The heart shape cut shows just enough cleavage without pulling away from its elegance. The attendant hands Carol a beaded tiara with a small veil attached to it. She places it into my hair. Stepping back, she places her hand over her heart and sniffles.

  “Oh, sweetie. You look beautiful.” Carol wipes her eyes with the tissue she has been clinging to ever since we stepped into the bridal store.

  “Is the lace too much?”

  “It’s perfect. He’s going to love you in this dress. It’s absolutely stunning on you.”

  Smiling, I spin once again in front of the mirrors. My fingers brush the edges of my veil. I feel like a princess. The attendant has attached some clips to mark the adjustments that I need. I will need it taken in just a bit on the sides and hemmed so I don’t trip.

  Carol helps me out of my dress and hands it to the attendant. As I get
dressed, I can hear her giving strict instructions to them on how to handle my dress. She fusses over everything. It can get a tad repetitive, but I know she fusses because she cares.

  After we go over all of the adjustments once more with the attendant, we leave the store and walk over to the café for lunch. It has been such an amazing day. We booked the same florist I had for the gallery opening for the wedding this morning. They knew exactly what we were looking for and had already had spreads artfully designed in their notes of what we wanted. I can’t wait to get home and tell Holden about my day. I will have to leave out the part about my dress, but I want to share my excitement with him.

  *****

  Carol drives me home after lunch. Holden’s truck is parked next to mine. I give Carol a quick wave, knowing he is upstairs waiting for me. I rush up the stairs and open our door to tell him about everything, but I find the apartment missing one very sexy Holden. There is a note taped to the fridge. Grabbing the note, I give it a once over before looking at the clock above our phone.

  Hey baby,

  I hope you’ve had a great day. I’m going out for a ride since it’s so nice out. I mean, who knows when we are going to have another sixty-degree day in January. I’m taking advantage of it. I’m going to the studio to drop off some film I took the other day, and I might even swing by the florist and surprise you with some roses. I love you. I should be back by four at the latest.

  I love you, Supernova.

  Love, Holden xxoo

  I look out onto our balcony and find the bright blue mountain bike he bought over the summer gone. Who goes for a bike ride in January? It is a nice day, so I guess I can see its appeal, but sixty is still chilly when the wind is blowing against your cheeks. It is just after three, so he should be home soon. I busy myself with dishes and tidying up around the apartment. I have the radio on and I am singing along to a Pearl Jam song completely off key.

  I check the clock again when I put the broom back in the closet. It is now four-thirty and he is still not home. I probably shouldn’t worry, but I can’t help the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I call Walter, but he hasn’t heard from him. He didn’t seem too worried, but I asked him to let me know if he hears from him. I promised to let him know if I hear from Holden before he does. Hanging up the phone, I began pacing around the kitchen. Something is not right.

  Minutes pass by as I stare expectantly at the door. He should come rushing up the stairs any moment, but he doesn’t. I am sitting alone in our apartment on the verge of a full-blown panic attack when the phone rings. I jump quickly and bump my knee into the corner of the coffee table as I race to the phone.

  “Holden?”

  “This is Phyllis with the emergency room at Bloomington Hospital. Your name was found on a business card inside a patient’s wallet. Do you know a Holden Keating?”

  “Yes, he’s my fiancé.”

  “Miss, we are going to need you to get here as soon as possible.”

  “What? Is everything okay? What happened?”

  “The doctors will discuss it with you when you get here. I’m sorry, Miss.” The line goes dead and I fall to my knees with the receiver still in my hand. Why is she sorry? Why would she say that? I press the button on the receiver to end the call. Letting go of the button, I dial Walter’s number.

  “Hello. Walter speaking.”

  “Walt. The hospital called. Holden is there. She told me she was sorry on the phone. I just don’t…why would she apologize?”

  “Slow down, Carsten. I can’t understand what you are saying. Is he okay?”

  “I don’t know. I have to go there.”

  “Think, Carsten. What else did they say?”

  “She said she was sorry.” Broken sobs heave from my lungs. I gasp for air. The realization that I can’t breathe isn’t lost on me. Holden is my breath.

  “Carsten, I need you to calm down and hang up with me. Call your friend, Janel. Have her take you there, okay? You have Janel take you there and we will meet you there. Do it now. I am hanging up.” The line goes dead.

  My hands are shaking, as I call Janel. She answers right away. I am not sure she understands me through my tears, but she is on her way. I slip on a pair of flip-flops and throw on a hoodie. The apartment door slams behind me, as I rush down the stairs. I pace back and forth as I wait for Janel. Her tires barely come to a stop, as I pull open the door and jump into the passenger seat.

  *****

  Five minutes and forty-three seconds is the exact amount of time it takes us to reach the hospital. Rushing into the emergency room, I head straight for the registration desk. “I’m here for Holden Keating. They called me.”

  “Who called you? The doctor?”

  “No. I don’t know. They told me to come right away.” Someone walks through the swinging doors behind her. I stand on my toes, trying to see if I can see him or any signs of him.

  “Ma’am, excuse me, ma’am.” I look back down to the woman behind the desk. She doesn’t seem pleased to see me leaning over her counter. “You’ll have to have a seat over there like everyone else. I’ll inform the staff someone is here for him. Only family is allowed back.”

  I sit in the ugly orange leather chairs and stare impatiently at the swinging doors. People come in and out. None of them are looking for me. None of them are with him. I feel so lost. My chest feels so incredibly empty and I can’t stop the tears that continue to roll down my cheeks. I make no attempt to wipe them away because I know they will just keep coming. Burying my head in my hands, I wait for what feels like an eternity. Two familiar voices are bickering with each other at the registration desk. Looking up, I see a frantic Carol trying to get through the doors, while Walter is holding her back.

  “Carol.” It is all that I can say. Her eyes meet mine and the tears rip apart my soul, as they cascade down my face. She wraps her arms around me. Leaning against her, I cry into her shoulder. “They won’t let me back there. I’m not family. They won’t let me.”

  “Ssh. It’s okay. We’ll fix this.” Rubbing her hand up and down my back, she yells over her shoulder, “Walt. You get this fixed right now. We are all family and I’ll be damned if they are going to keep her from him.” Carol walks with me over back to the hideously orange chairs and holds my hands in hers while we wait.

  The swinging doors open and a man in green scrubs is talking to Walter. At first, I see him nod his head along with whatever the doctor is saying. Then he steps back and falls against the wall. His hands rub back and forth over his face several times before he and the doctor walk towards us.

  “Carol, Carsten, this is the doctor working with Holden. He says Holden is being moved to a private room. Do I have that right?” Walt’s complexion pales, as he looks at the doctor. He is not telling us something. I can see it in his eyes. Something is so very wrong. I know it. I can feel it.

  “Yes, we have moved Holden to his own room, temporarily. I’ll take you there. I’d like to discuss a few matters with you and your wife, as well.”

  “Whatever you want to discuss can wait. She needs him. I know my boy. He needs her, too.” Carol stamps her foot on the floor. The doctor looks at her in complete shock. He doesn’t argue. He leads us down a bunch of winding hallways and we ride the elevator up to the second floor. We make a left and then a right. His doctor stops just outside a brown door with a small rectangular shaped window.

  “At this time, I really need to speak with his parents.”

  “Go ahead, Carsten. Go see him.” Walter nods to the room with a sadness that I have never seen before in his eyes.

  Beep. Beep. Beep. The sounds of machines assault my senses, as I walk into the room. Holden is lying in a bed, slightly propped up. Wires are coming out of his gown. A long accordion looking tube is taped inside his mouth. I softly touch his face, as not to hurt him any further. His hair is matted. The skin around his eyes are so blue, they are almost black. A long scrape is going up the right side of his face. His knuckles on his right ha
nd are also bandaged.

  He lies so still, so peacefully, as he sleeps. My hand covers my mouth, stifling the random sounds coming from me.

  Carol walks in with Walter right behind her. Her palm presses against her chest, as she looks down at her only son. Walter brings her a chair from the corner of the room. Sitting down, she gently takes Holden’s hand in hers, as she silently weeps into the sheets on his bed. I am still standing, purely out of shock. I can’t move my body.

  “Carsten—”

  “No. You don’t get to say those things to her.”

  “Carol, I–” Walt tries to speak again, but Carol cuts him off before he can say anything else.

  “God damn it, Walt, you give me my time. You give me my fucking time with him.”

  Watching her break, only confirms my worst fear. “Tell me. Whatever it is. I need to know. Please.” I am not past the point of begging. Walter pulls a chair up behind me and nods for me to sit. I slowly lower myself to the chair, not taking my eyes off of him.

  “He was on his bike. He had just left the florist when someone blew through a red light. Holden never saw them coming. His body was thrown fifteen feet. His injuries are too long to list. The only reason he’s alive right now is because of those machines.”

  My head rapidly shakes back and forth as my voice breaks. “No. No. No.”

  “The doctor spoke with me and Carol–”

  “Don’t say it. You’ll make it real.” Carol begs Walter to stop, as she sobs against Holden’s hand.

  “He’s gone, Carsten.”

  “What? No, I can see him. He’s right here. He just needs some rest.”

  “No, sweetie. He’s gone. Out of respect for our family they’ve given us this time to say goodbye. When they unplug the machines, he’ll be gone. He already is. That’s not him lying there anymore. It’s just his vessel.”

  Carol moans and Walt wraps his arms around her, holding her and rocking her, while she sits in the chair, still holding Holden’s hand.