The NOVA Trilogy Boxed Set

by Jayce, Aven

  “Evan, I’m not coming over to have sex with you. We’re not together anymore, and we just did it yesterday.” I look back into the mirror and notice a wrinkle on my forehead. Great, now I have a wrinkle to go along with my expanding hips.

  “Soph, I’m not calling to ask you for sex,” he pauses, and takes another drag of his cigarette. “I’m calling because I met someone and I want to make sure that it’s really over between us. I think I like her.”

  “You met someone?” My voice suddenly drops to a low and soft tone. “And you had sex with her already? That’s why you’re smoking?”

  “I’m not calling to discuss details, or to hurt you, I’m just calling for a confirmation. For some reason I feel like I need your permission to continue on with my life.”

  “We just discussed this yesterday. When people end relationships they tend to run right out and fuck the first person they’re attracted to in order to feel better about the breakup. At any rate, no.”

  There’s a further pause as Evan takes another drag of his cigarette. “No, it’s not over?”

  “I’m sorry, I meant no. You don’t need my permission. It’s okay to be with someone else, although its kind of fast isn’t it?”

  “I know. I was invited to a party last night, and since I was alone, well… I had no idea I’d find a match.”

  “God, you sound like an eharmony commercial. I hope you didn’t use the word match in front of her.”

  “Of course not. So, are we good?”

  “Yeah, but I won’t be coming over for sex if you’re with someone else. It’s not fun being the behind the scenes woman who ends up ruining someone’s relationship.” I place my hand on the counter and lean toward the mirror, inspecting my teeth with a big grin. “I do need to ask you for two favors though.”

  “What?”

  “First, I’d like you to take care of Lewis until I can pick him up with my things on Saturday. And I want you to feed him twice a day.”

  “I can do that. That cat loves me, especially when I sing Elvis songs to him.”

  “Please don’t serenade him with Elvis songs. He likes to listen to Johnny Cash.”

  “Oh, no way! I’m not playing that in my place. I have him for two more days, he’s listening to Elvis.”

  “Fine, just feed him, okay?”

  “What’s the second favor?”

  “Don’t invite the new girl over on Saturday. Mera and I will be out on that day to pick everything up.”

  “I wouldn’t do that. Not to you, or to her.”

  “I know. I just needed to say it.”

  ***

  Dr. Rosen has her hair tied back today, which means she’s in the mood for a critical and intense discussion.

  “What does love mean to you?”

  Oh crap, I knew it. The age-old “what is love” question. I saw it coming as soon as I told her that I left Evan.

  “You know I can’t answer that question. Unless I actually feel it, I don’t know what it is.”

  “How do you know you haven’t felt it? What do you think it is?”

  I place my elbow on the arm of the chair and put my hand up to my chin, resting a finger across my mouth. She’s really going to make me come up with an answer this time. “Is it a spark? Perhaps it feels like electricity running through your veins? I suppose it’s a desire to be with someone, even when they’re at their worst.”

  “Are you asking me, or telling me?” Dr. Rosen leans back in her chair, places her pen on her notebook, and looks at the photographs of her niece and nephew. “Love means different things to different people, but at your age, I would suspect that you’re not being very honest with your answer.” She folds her arms across her waist and swivels in her chair.

  “I know exactly what love is based on what I’ve seen, heard, and read, but I haven’t felt it just yet. I don’t think it’s as much of a problem as you think it is, Dr. Rosen. I’ve had crushes. I love Mera, and my father, but I haven’t found a sexual partner for whom I have a deep passion. There’s nothing wrong with that, as far as I’m concerned.”

  “So do you want to keep having sexual partners and never develop those associations into something more, say, a healthy relationship?”

  “I understand what you’re getting at, that there’s more to this love thing than sex, but if I’m happy, then what’s the problem?”

  “Sophia, people your age tend to have experience with at least one long-term relationship. It is a bit unusual for a young woman not to want that.”

  I put my hand back on the armrest and lean forward. “That’s very sexist of you,” I say.

  Dr. Rosen smiles, and I can tell she’s enjoying getting on my nerves. “You know that I’ve had long-term relationships. I think I proved that I can be involved with someone for some time by living with Evan. We were together for four years.”

  “No, you’ve known him for four years. You haven’t been living with him for long, and I don’t know how involved the two of you were, other than having sex with one another.”

  “Sex can be very intimate between two people.”

  “Yes, it can be. Has it been for you? Or is it the same as when you pleasure yourself on your own?”

  Dr. Rosen can be such a bitch sometimes. I should have never told her how often I masturbate. “What are you getting at?”

  “We’re discussing love, intimacy, and relationships. You didn’t have any of those with Evan.”

  “I sort of did.”

  “How many other men did you have sex with while you were living with Evan?”

  I sigh knowing deep down that this is exactly what I need. Someone like Dr. Rosen to wake me up to the fact that it’s okay to be emotionally open with another person.

  “Like I said, I understand that love isn’t purely physical.”

  Dr. Rosen reaches for her pen and starts to write something in my file.

  “Is it okay if I say a few more things while you’re doing that?” I ask.

  “Of course, please, keep talking.”

  “You know I love myself, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “I shouldn’t have to defend myself, but I feel like I have to in this case. I love myself. And that’s important, isn’t it?”

  “Ah huh.” Dr. Rosen keeps her head down, barely acknowledging my comments.

  “I’m a strong woman who overcame an abusive childhood, and I’m not interested in having to compromise, or share my freedom with another person. As a teenager I felt despised by my mother. Sex was the one remedy that actually improved my situation.”

  “How so?”

  “Pure pleasure I suppose. I felt needed, admired by my partners. The other fragments of my life, except for that moment, disappeared. School, my mother, my sibling, our home, missing my father, responsibilities, being poor; all of that was there, but paled next to the gratification of an hour of sex. My self-indulgence over the years has changed from absolute hedonism to an affectionate balance between me and my partner.”

  “What if you could find that utter sense of pleasure with another person, but it wasn’t just on a sexual basis? What if you felt that way just by being with someone?”

  “Then, I suppose that would be what I call love.”

  Dr. Rosen smiles. “You know it’s out there, and whenever you’re ready to let it in that complete connection can exist for you.”

  “I still think I’m too young to be thinking about this kind of stuff. I’m not ready to get married.”

  “We’re not talking about marriage, we’re talking about enjoying life with other people. Your whole life, not just in the bedroom.”

  “I see. Do you think all of this has something to do with my mother?”

  “Do you?”

  “I guess everything does. Feeling abandoned and unloved as a child hasn’t allowed me to trust very many people throughout my life.”

  “Recognizing it is the first step, now we can work to change it.”

  “If I want to.”
r />   “Yes, Sophia. If you want to.”

  “Dr. Rosen?”

  “Yes?”

  “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”

  “I know,” she says, putting her pen down. I’m pleased to see her stern look from the beginning of our session has changed into a more compassionate expression.

  “My mother really did try to abandon me when I was four.”

  Dr. Rosen stands and walks over to the open window where a breeze has been filling the room with cool autumn air. The weather underwent a dramatic change yesterday evening with rain and cloud cover. The temperature has dropped a good twenty degrees today, and it feels like fall has officially rolled into the city. She closes the window and lowers the blinds. I’m her last patient of the day and I can feel her relief that we only have fifteen minutes left in the session. There’s a mini-bar in her office with tea and water, and she offers me a drink for our remaining time together. I take the miniature water, wondering if it will take me two or three mouthfuls to empty the bottle.

  “Did she really abandon you? Or did it just feel that way?”

  “I was dropped off at a community center and my mother never returned. Yes, I felt abandoned. The women at the center thought that I was saying Opie whenever I told them my name was Sophie. As a four-year-old tomboy with a slight speech impediment, they never imagined that they might have a little girl in front of them. I watched from the office as the other children played games and made crafts. The women wouldn’t let me do anything until they figured out who I was, which wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. I sat for hours in that chair, hoping that my mother would come back for me. She never did. When all the children were placed on a bus to go home, I was able to point in the direction of our house and eventually made it back... on my own. I’m surprised no one called the police.”

  “You don’t have any speech issues now.”

  “Therapy. But only because my grammar school teachers wanted to help me, and not because my mother noticed that anything was wrong.”

  “You may have been better off if the police were involved. That sounds like a horrifying and life-changing event for a four-year-old.”

  “Well, I never trusted my mother again.”

  “Did you ever ask her about the situation when you were older?”

  “Yes, but her only response was laughter.”

  Dr. Rosen closes her notebook and takes off her glasses, placing both on the desk. “You felt alone.”

  “I was alone.”

  “And now you’ve let your father and Mera into your life?”

  “They’re the family I never had.”

  “Let’s keep developing that family. I have an assignment for you before our next session. I’d like you to talk to a stranger, have a conversation with someone, without inviting that person over for sex.”

  “I have other friends. I’m not isolating myself from the world you know.”

  “I understand, but did those friends approach you, or were you the one who took the first step?”

  I look up at Dr. Rosen whose eyes are shooting directly into mine. “I understand,” my voice soft and defeated, trying to end the conversation.

  “Sophia Jameson, you’re a beautiful, smart, and exciting young woman who obviously turns heads every place you go. People are drawn to you, and that’s a good thing. Now I want you to ponder if you’ve ever met anyone, or if they’re the ones who’ve met you.”

  That woman can send a chill right down to my bones.

  ***

  Mera’s apartment is welcoming after the discussion with Dr. Rosen. I’m looking forward to a night out with my best friend before the move into my new building. Mera suggested walking a few blocks over to the Landing for dinner before we party. And since I have no plans on heading back to my old place for an outfit, I’ll have to see if I can squeeze into one of her dresses for the evening.

  I place my bag next to the sofa and notice three candles burning on the living room table. Candles lit in the last apartment we shared used to be a sign not to enter the bedroom. I guess it was similar to people using the sock, or necktie around the door handle. I’m glad I didn’t have Lewis back in college. He’s the type of cat who would knock these candles off the table with his paw, starting a fire… on purpose.

  “How was it today? Are you healed?” Mera asks, walking out of her bedroom with a pure white towel wrapped around her head and a light blue robe concealing her body. She sits on the sofa and I’m happy to join her, propping my feet next to the flickering lights.

  “There’s nothing wrong with me, unless you count the anger I have about my childhood, and the fact that I can’t commit.”

  “Commit to what?”

  “Exactly. I don’t need to be bound to anyone.”

  Mera unwraps her towel and begins drying the ends of her hair. “Perhaps Dr. Rosen wants you to show some sort of dedication to something besides a relationship. You’re the most loyal person I’ve ever met, so I know you’re devoted to me, as well as your father, but maybe she wants you to show some kind of commitment to a career. She could even be talking about an obligation to yourself, and not to others.”

  “I know she’s talking about the whole shebang.” Closing my eyes, I start to think about the best way to approach a stranger. What can I say without sounding like the conversation is an assignment from my therapist? Hi, I’m Sophia. Do you want to go somewhere and fuck? No, too blunt. Oh, and I have to remember I can’t bring them home for sex. Hello, how are you doing? God, that’s way too boring. “When you walk up to someone whom you’ve never spoken to before, what do you say to them?”

  Mera laughs.

  “Don’t laugh at me, I’m serious.”

  “Oh come on. What do you usually say?”

  “I don’t say anything. I mean, I can’t remember the last time I approached someone. People usually walk up to me and start talking, I just listen and respond.”

  “What about all those guys you brought back to our dorm room and apartment during college?”

  “Yeah. I was drunk. I don’t remember meeting most of them, I’m pretty sure they were the ones who did most of the talking.”

  Mera lets out a sigh while wrapping her towel back around her head. She slaps my leg with her hand, and heads back to her bedroom. “Come on, let’s find you something sexy to wear and then we’ll work on speaking to strangers. I’m assuming that’s another shrink request?”

  I nod, following Mera to her bedroom closet. “Nice space,” I say.

  “I almost put my bed in here when I had that night job. It was hard to sleep during the day with so much sunlight creeping through the blinds. Luckily that only lasted for two months.”

  “Now you’re living the high life.”

  “It does feel that way at times. I have a great place and a cool job, but I still miss having a roommate. It can be lonely here all by myself.” Mera pulls out a flirty, black scoop neck dress lined with a glitter print around the side and neckline. The sleeves are long, and it has an open shoulder detail on one side.

  “That’s cute. Black heels I’m assuming?”

  “You bet. Here, try this on.”

  She hands me a plum colored spandex jumpsuit, sleeveless, no less. “No way. I appreciate you letting me wear something, but that? Come on Mera, that’s not even funny. Do you have anything else?”

  “I wasn’t serious. My mother sent me this thing a year ago. It still has the tags on it. It’s ugly as fuck and I know she spent a fortune on it, so I can’t just throw it away.”

  “Give it to a thrift store.”

  “What if she comes over and asks me about it? What do I tell her if she wants me to wear it out?”

  I take the jumpsuit, and hold it up to Mera. “Looks hot, baby.”

  “Shut the hell up.” She grabs the hanger out of my hand and places it back on the rod in the closet. “I sent her a photo of me wearing the hideous thing, but that’s as far as I’m going to take it.”

  “You h
ave a photo? No way, I have to see it.”

  “Never.” We both laugh as Mera pulls out another dress.

  “Now, that one I like. For a moment I thought you were trying to make me look bad so that all the guys would flock to you.” I take the dress and lay it over the footboard of the bed. “That’s lovely, a beautiful above the knee tank. Did you order it online?”

  “Yeah, believe it or not I found page upon page of clubbing dress websites, and this one was only thirty-five dollars.”

  I pull off my shirt and slide out of my jeans. The dress doesn’t have any closures, and I’m nervous about pulling it over my head. “If it rips when I put it on, will you be mad at me?”

  “It’s not going to rip. Just let me see it on you.”

  The stretchy material hugs my chest and hips as I tug the dress down over my body. It’s a comfortable fit, and looking into the full-length mirror I can see that it’s a slimming cut. The top of the dress, from the breastline up, is solid black. The lower section is a sexy leopard print, with a bright yellow one-inch trim around the bottom.

  “I might have to keep this, it will look great with my cowboy boots.”

  “It actually looks a lot better on you than it does on me. The length is below my knees, but short and hot on your tall frame. I suppose I’m too short to wear dresses that are split with colors and prints just below the breasts. Feel free to keep it. You can think of it as my house-warming gift to you.”

  I smile back at Mera and blow her a kiss. “Perfect. Let’s cake on some slutty make-up and head on out.”

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Laclede’s Landing along the riverfront is the oldest area in St. Louis. The hundred-year-old warehouse and factory buildings have a rich history, having once been the main business district for the city. Red brick facades glow on bright days in the mid-western sun, while the tall paned windows reflect the open skies. It’s within walking distance to Mera’s apartment, which makes one of the Landing’s restaurants, Walker Street Brewery, our chosen spot for dinner. We tend to dine before traveling further west in a cab to nightclubs.

  I’m starting to feel a buzz as we walk out of Walker Street. “I can’t believe you ordered meatloaf at the restaurant. How do you eat all of that and still have room for drinks?”