Vindicate

by Beth Yarnall

  And then he’s on top of me, grinding against me. Hot liquid splashes onto my stomach. His head drops next to mine and he’s having as much trouble catching his breath as I am.

  What just happened?

  I’m trying to process it all. He’s between my legs, on top of me. His weight is comfortable and warm. He kisses my shoulder, the side of my neck, my cheek, and then my mouth, gentle kisses. He drops his head again and sighs, his breath hot against my neck.

  “Don’t move,” he says, disengaging himself from me. “I’ll be right back.”

  A slant of light from the bathroom slashes across the bed and me. I can hear water running. It’s cold without him. I want to pull the covers up, but my stomach is covered with his semen.

  He returns with a warm washcloth and wipes away the mess. “Sorry.”

  I lift up on my elbows to watch. “Why did you do that?”

  He doesn’t look up at me. “It’s not…Sorry.”

  “No, I’m okay with it. It’s just that why didn’t you, you know, go for it?”

  “No condom.”

  “Oh.” I get the feeling he’s not being totally honest with me. “Is that the only reason?”

  “There.” He gets up and disposes of the washcloth. Cutting the light, he climbs back into bed, drawing the covers over us. He reaches for me, pulling me up against his side.

  We lay quiet in the dark. Something’s wrong. I can feel it. Was there something I did or didn’t do?

  “Leo?”

  “Hmm?”

  “What did I do wrong?”

  His laugh is harsh. “Everything you did was exactly right.”

  “Then what’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. Go to sleep.”

  I don’t believe him, but it’s clear he’s not going to talk about it, at least not tonight. I lay awake for I don’t know how long, listening to his breathing, then light snoring. Cycling everything that happened over and over in my brain, I can’t come up with a solution. Maybe he’ll talk about it tomorrow. I don’t know. I don’t have any frame of reference here and no one to talk it over with except Jamie. It’s too late to call her, and even if I did I’m not sure I could adequately explain what I don’t have words for.

  All day at the office goes by and it’s more of the same. I’m starting to feel like I imagined all of the really good parts of last night. They fade away into insignificance under the overwhelming evidence that something is wrong. I can’t even bring myself to ask him anymore because after the two times I did he completely shut down on me. He hasn’t even tried to hold my hand or steal a kiss like he normally would. We dance around each other in our small office. We’re supposed to have a date tonight after he talks to Zelda. I wonder if that’s even going to happen. Past that I wonder where I’m going to sleep tonight because it’s very clear that it won’t be anywhere near Leo.

  Chapter 20

  Leo

  I can’t stop thinking about last night and what a monumental mistake it was. Total and complete epic failure. I want to pound my fists against my head and chant stupid, stupid, stupid over and over. What was I thinking? I wasn’t. My dick was. Why did I listen to it?

  Because Cora was naked and willing and I’m weak. So very, very weak.

  I did not think this through at all. I’ve never taken anyone’s virginity. I didn’t think about that until last night. I had a box of condoms in my bag next to the gun Dad gave me, but when it came down to it—when Cora shouted that she wanted me to fuck her—I couldn’t do it. I came at this all wrong, thinking this would be some summer fun, but this is her life. And the truth is I probably won’t be in it in a few months. I’ll go back to school and Cora will go back to…I don’t know what she’ll go back to or what will happen between then and now. Hopefully she’ll be helping her brother assimilate back into society.

  I’m not going to be her first time. That privilege will go to some other guy who had better treat her well and stick around for the long haul, maybe even marry her. Most guys would’ve jumped at what she offered. I, apparently, am not most guys. I finally get what my dad was trying to tell me, what he’s always told me about girls. It’s about respect. And I respect Cora too much to add her to my long list of conquests and then leave her. I’m simply not good enough for her. How do I explain this to her when I can hardly wrap my head around it myself? Where do we go from here? Because I have a feeling there’s no going back and yet there’s no moving forward either.

  All day Cora’s been casting confused looks my direction. She hasn’t asked me what’s wrong since we left the house, but she knows something’s up. I’m hoping to get out of here in the next five minutes for my meeting with Zelda without Cora bringing it up again. I don’t want to hurt her. She’s had too much hurt in her life already. I’m not sure I have all the words to explain what happened for me last night when I held her after her first ever orgasm. As she drifted off to sleep I lay awake with the realization that I’m not good enough for her. The weight of that was a physical ache that started in the center of my chest and radiated out until I was a man made of pain.

  I was finally asleep when she grabbed my dick, wanting to go for round two. Instead of putting her off I played with her, not thinking for a second that she’d lose it like that. I should know better by now than to hold on to expectations when it comes to Cora. She constantly throws me. Before I knew it I’d gone too far, making her come that second time. I almost thrust all the way into her. If I hadn’t slipped up instead of in I would’ve climaxed inside her instead of on top of her. I was nothing but a thief, selfishly trying to steal what wasn’t mine.

  “Isn’t it time for you to leave to go meet Zelda?” Cora asks.

  I was so busy trying to look busy and avoid Cora that I almost forgot about the appointment. “Yeah.” I grab my notebook and stand to go.

  “I’ll be here when you get back.” She hasn’t looked up from her computer once during this exchange. Her absolute if-you-don’t-give-a-fuck-I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude throws me. She’s not like other girls. I have to remind myself to stop treating her like she is.

  “Okay. See you.” I scoot out with everything lingering between us.

  I’m almost to the outside door when Savannah’s voice stops me. “So you fucked her, huh?”

  I whip my head around. “Excuse me?”

  “You’re escaping like you did something wrong and she’s pretty much ignored you all day. I know the signs. I’ve been on the other side of your love-’em-and-leave-’em antics.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” But I do and she’s too fucking right.

  She lets out a sigh and leans back in her chair. “When are you going to grow some balls?”

  I shake my head. “What?”

  “You heard me.”

  “I don’t have time for this.”

  She gets up from her desk and comes around it toward me. “Here’s the thing: I like Cora. She thinks I hate her, but I don’t. What I hate is you acting like women are just there to get you off and nothing more. You like the chase. The problem is you don’t know what to do when it’s over. Cora strikes me as someone who doesn’t have a whole lot of experience with guys like you.

  “Hell, I bet she doesn’t have a lot of experience with guys, period. And then you walk into her life all movie-star hair”—she flicks my hair—“and I-fuck-like-a-god stare. And she falls on her back because let’s face it, you back up that swagger with real skill. Then, after you get what you want, you’re all Peace out. Am I close to what happened since I saw you yesterday?”

  I loathe her. I think I honestly hate her. I also hate myself because she’s fucking right.

  Shaking her head, she takes my silence as confirmation. “When are you going to grow the fuck up?”

  “I don’t have time for this.” I split because, hey, it’s apparently what I do best.

  I’m halfway down the stairs before it hits me what an asshole I’ve been. Like truly a big giant fucking asshole. Inste
ad of avoiding my issues with Cora I should’ve just spelled them out for her. I’m not boyfriend material. Savannah only confirmed what I already knew. I’m not the stick-around type. I’m in it only until I get what I want. Then I lose interest like some kind of ADHD sex addict. I’m surprised I stuck around with Cora long enough to wipe my cum off her stomach. That must be some kind of record for me, some new emotionally mature high I’ll never achieve again.

  I tear out of the parking lot like my ass is on fire, when, in truth, all of me is burning. I can hardly stand to be in my own skin. It feels like it’s going to melt off me and reveal the true me to the world, the one beyond the movie-star hair and I-fuck-like-a-god stare. And who would want me then? What am I if I’m not exactly what people expect?

  I’m so in my head that I miss the turn to Zelda’s house and have to go back. That’s when I notice the car following me. It makes the same illegal U-turn in the middle of the road that I do. I pass Zelda’s street on the right and turn left instead. The car follows. We wind our way through the neighborhood. I know these streets. My friend John lived here. Now he’s living in New York working as a stockbroker. If I make a left, then a right…Aha, there it is.

  I circle around the cul-de-sac and stop. The car does the same, only it doesn’t stop. It keeps going past me. The windows are tinted too dark to see who’s driving. I pull out after it and now the chasee becomes the chaser. There are no plates to run. If I don’t keep this guy in sight I’ll never find out who he is and what he wants. Although I have a feeling I know—the same guy who broke into Cora’s place and called her parents.

  I can’t let him out of my eyesight.

  He goes back the way we came and then out onto the main road. He makes a risky left, cutting off another car, and hits the gas. I have to wait for traffic. By the time it’s clear I’ve lost him. He’s nowhere in sight. I circle back, thinking he might have too, but he’s gone. I pull into a fast-food restaurant parking lot and pull out my cell to call my dad. What am I going to tell him? A black Mustang with no plates followed me? There’s nothing for him to go on. If only I’d gotten a look at the guy. I might have recognized him.

  He wanted me to spot him. He was bold enough to out himself making that U-turn. Why? Is it more of the same scare tactics and intimidation? And I almost led him straight to Zelda’s house.

  Zelda wasn’t easy to find. She got married and changed her name. The house is in her husband’s mother’s maiden name. It’s almost like she didn’t want to be found. So why did she agree to meet with me?

  I retrace my route, watching carefully for another tail. There isn’t one, as far as I can tell. I feel safe enough to go to Zelda’s house. She’s a piece of the puzzle we desperately need. I pull up in front of the house and stare. It’s empty. I can tell by the For Sale sign out front, the lockbox on the door handle, and the lack of window coverings. Zelda struck me as someone who would insist on fussy curtains. I don’t know why. We had only one brief phone conversation. It’s just an impression I got.

  I climb out of the car and go up the walk. The porch is littered with business cards and flyers. A peek in the window confirms my suspicions. Gone. Zelda is gone. I pull out my cell, hit redial on her number, and immediately get a message that the phone’s been disconnected. Son of a bitch! How am I going to tell Cora that our one good lead on Mrs. Wheeler skipped town?

  I start to go back to my car, but the twitch of the curtains on the house across the street catches my eye. Nosey neighbors are a PI’s best friend, I can hear my dad say. I hope to hell he’s right about that.

  I cross the street and knock on the door. Inside I can hear the thunk thunk of a cane on a wood floor. Pasting on my most sincere smile, I stand still for what I’m sure is an inspection through the peephole. After a few moments, the lock turns, then the knob, and I come face-to-face with a little old lady who reminds me of my own gran.

  “Hello,” I say. “I’m looking for your neighbor.” I point across the street. “Zelda Marks Ramirez. Do you happen to know where she’s moved to?”

  “No one’s lived in that house for a couple weeks.”

  Damn. “You wouldn’t have a phone number or address for her, would you?”

  She squints up at me. “What do you want with it?”

  “I’m a law student studying a trial she was a witness in—the Cassandra Williams murder. Do you remember it?”

  “Oh, my, yes. My nephew’s son went to school with that poor young woman. Zelda never said anything about being a witness though.”

  “She was Cassandra’s across-the-hall neighbor. She found her body.”

  “Oh, dear.” She shakes her head sadly. “Poor thing.”

  “I was supposed to have an appointment today with Zelda, but I guess we got our wires crossed.”

  “Well, I’m not surprised. Zelda’s had, shall we say, a lot on her plate lately with the passing of her husband and being evicted from her mother-in-law’s house.” She gestures across the street. “And there it sits, empty. It would’ve cost that woman nothing to let her daughter-in-law stay there while she gets things sorted. But Gert isn’t the type of person to do a kindness for another. A Sunday Christian if I ever met one.”

  “I didn’t know Zelda’s husband died.”

  “Oh, yes. A car accident. Died instantly.”

  “I’m sorry to hear it. Did Zelda give you her new phone number or address?”

  “As a matter of fact she did. What did you say your name was?”

  “Leo. Leo Nash. I’m studying law at UCLA. I’m home for the summer. I grew up just a few blocks from here.” I point toward the back of her house. “Over on Pastora Street. My professor assigned us this project over the summer. I was hoping to interview Zelda. The project really wouldn’t be complete without her input.”

  “Yes, yes. I can see that, especially with her finding the body and all. That’s just so terrible. That girl has been through so much. Finding her neighbor, her husband dying, then her witch of a mother-in-law turning her out into the street. Just terrible. You stay there. I’ll be right back.” She closes the door and shuffles away.

  I look back across the street. That would explain why her phone no longer works and maybe why she didn’t show up for our appointment. I hope this neighbor comes through for me with a valid address or a work or cell number.

  The old lady returns with a pad of paper. “She wrote her info down here for me just in case. I’ve been collecting her mail, but she hasn’t been by in a while to pick it up. I was just about to give her a call.”

  I take a pic of the tablet with my cellphone. “Thanks. I really appreciate your help. I’ll let her know to contact you. What was your name again?”

  “Dorothy Kuczynsky. But you can call me Dot.”

  “Thanks, Dot.” I start down her steps toward my car. “Have a nice day.”

  “You too. I hope you get a good grade on your project.”

  I turn and give her a wink. “Me too.”

  Chapter 21

  Cora

  While Leo’s out talking with Zelda, I’m meeting with Dylan Newman about his relationship with Cassandra. I’m glad I’ve got something to keep my mind off the shit with Leo. I feel so stupid. I thought we had…I don’t know exactly what I thought we had going. The one thing I do know is that I wanted it. I wanted Leo. And I really wanted to have sex with Leo. But he’s made it incredibly clear that isn’t what he wanted, like maybe I pressured him into what happened last night. Was it all in my head? Did I read more into his dates and kisses than he intended? Was I too fast for him?

  I shake my head in the empty office. No. There is no way I read him wrong. He was as into me as I was him right up until he…Oh, my God. That’s it. I get it. I get why Savannah’s been so pissed at him. He used her, then dumped her, and now he used and is dumping me. He got what he wanted even though technically I’m still a virgin. This has to be some kind of record. Wow. I feel really stupid for not seeing this sooner. I mean, the signs were right there
out in the reception area all along. If only I paid attention.

  Whatever.

  I’m going to take from this what I can and move on. Lesson learned. Orgasms achieved. Virginity intact. And I’m closer than I ever was before to finding out who really killed Cassandra and freeing Beau. That’s going to be the big takeaway here. If I get anything from my time here, it’s that.

  “Knock, knock.” Dylan stands awkwardly in the doorway, looking a lot like he did when he hung out with Beau. He might even be wearing the same clothes.

  “Hey.” I get up from my desk and give him a hug. “How are you?”

  “I’m okay. You look good.” He starts to rub my head like he used to when I was a kid, then pulls the gesture. “How’s Beau?”

  He gets points for asking about my brother, but loses them and more for not already knowing the answer to that question.

  “He’s hanging in. Why don’t we go into the conference room, where there’s more space?”

  “Sure.”

  He follows me out into reception. I catch Savannah chewing on the end of her pen and blatantly checking Dylan out. I motion for Dylan to go into the conference room ahead of me. Savannah mouths He’s cute, go for it. I ignore her, close the door, and take a seat next to Dylan.

  “So what’s this all about?” he asks.

  “Well, you know I’ve been looking into Cassandra’s murder.”

  He nods slowly. I can tell this is a subject he doesn’t want to talk about.

  “Why didn’t you ever tell me that you went out with Cassandra?”

  His leg jiggles under the table and he doesn’t look at me. “Where’d you hear that?”

  “Come off it. We’ve known each other too long.”

  “Does Beau know?”

  “No. And I plan on keeping it that way, but I need you to tell me everything you know about what was going on with Cassandra around the time she was killed.”

  “I don’t know how I can help you.”

  “You wouldn’t be helping me. You’d be helping Beau.”