by Gerri Hill
“Yeah. More trash. But I don’t think the high school kids come here as much as we did in those days.”
“Well, they don’t know what they’re missing.”
Instead of beer, they decided on wine, both agreeing they’d grown up enough to progress to wine when sneaking off to the river. Jacqueline grabbed the bottle and the corkscrew they bought, and Kay brought the blanket she’d tossed in the back seat when they’d stopped by her house to change. They both smiled as they walked down the same path they’d taken hundreds of times before. As Jackie had said, not much had changed. The forest opened up right at the river’s edge and they found a spot under one of the large pine trees. Kay spread the blanket and they both sat cross-legged, looking out over the water.
“Listen,” Jacqueline whispered. “So quiet.” The gentle flow of the river was silent in the forest, and above them, cardinals sang.
“You miss this? The quiet?”
“Yes. Although I don’t really live in the city. I bought a condo in Monterey, so my quiet is listening to the ocean.”
“It must be beautiful.”
Jackie smiled. “Some days beautiful, some days foggy. But the sound is always the same. Once you’ve lived by the ocean and fallen asleep to the sound of waves crashing on shore, you find there is no more comforting sound than that. It’s endless,” she said quietly. “The day that sound stops is the day the world ends.”
Kay watched as Jacqueline opened the wine while she spoke, her quiet words echoing in the forest. She then poured wine into the plastic cups they had snatched at the liquor store. She took one from Jackie, smiling before taking a sip.
After only a few moments, Jacqueline reached over and tapped Kay’s leg. “Now, we’re alone, no interruptions. It’s time you told me one of those long stories you’ve been holding back on.”
“I see you’re as impatient as ever.”
“Why don’t you go to church anymore?”
“Why don’t you?” Kay countered.
“Well, let’s see.” Jacqueline leaned her head back, looking to the top of the pines and into the blue sky beyond. “How about because my mother took me to Brother Garner to have him heal me of my sickness, to have him pray the devil out of me? Now that was a fun time, let me tell you. Or how about the fact that I’m destined to spend eternity in hell, paying for my sin of loving women instead of men?” Jacqueline met Kay’s eyes. “Or maybe I’m just afraid of lightning bolts!”
“Okay. You got me beat.”
“Tell me, Kay.”
Their eyes held, blue on blue, and Kay felt the weight lift somewhat from her heart. For so long, she’d kept it all inside, never talking it out with anyone, just skimming over the surface with Rose, with her mother. She’d always insisted she was fine, just fine. But the crystal blue eyes she remembered were there, looking into her soul as they’d always been able to do, seeing things no one else was ever able to see.
“I… I was dating Billy Ray Renfro when you left, remember?”
“Yeah, I remember.”
“Well, I guess about a year after high school, everyone started asking when we were going to get married. He was the only one I’d ever dated.”
“Why? As beautiful as you were, as you are, I never understood why you picked him.”
Kay shrugged. She didn’t remember ever being overly interested in boys then. There was just Jackie. That was enough.
“I don’t know why, Jackie. It just happened. And when he asked me to marry him, I thought, what else did I have? I was still stuck here in Pine Springs, you were gone, and there was no one else. He was working at the mill then, had a steady job, so I said yes.”
“Forgive me, but I always thought he was a loser.”
Kay laughed. “Well, you were right.”
“I’m sorry. If I’d been here, I would never have let you marry him.”
“Oh, yeah? At the wedding, when Brother Garner asked for objections, you’d have stood up?”
“Absolutely.”
Kay laughed. “Yes, I believe you would have.”
“I’m sorry. Go on.”
“Oh, Jackie, this is hard for me, you know.”
Jacqueline reached over and took her hand. “Tell me what happened.”
Kay watched as their fingers entwined, remembering all those other times when they’d come here to talk, how easy it was to talk to Jackie, to tell her things she would never consider telling anyone else. She looked up then, meeting blue eyes. How was it that she felt so comfortable telling Jackie things, but Jacqueline had been terrified to talk to her about the most important thing in her life?
“Why couldn’t you tell me, Jackie?”
Jacqueline frowned and nervously brushed the hair over her ears. “I thought this was your time to talk.”
“It is. But we always talked about everything, Jackie. Everything. Why couldn’t you tell me about that?”
“You know what? Maybe some day I’ll tell you about it. But not now. Now we’re talking about you.”
Kay nodded. “Fair enough.” She leaned forward. “Don’t think I won’t hold you to it.” She cleared her throat and took a deep breath. “Billy Ray was violent,” she blurted out. She felt her fingers being squeezed by Jacqueline, and she squeezed back. “It’s okay, Jackie. I knew it going in, I think. He was… he was never gentle, you know. And it just kept getting worse and worse. I couldn’t seem to do anything right. Nothing was ever good enough. Dinner was late, and he got mad. I had dinner ready early, and it got cold. Just little stupid things, but he’d get angry and… hit me. At first, a slap here and there. Then, well, it just kept getting worse.”
Jacqueline swallowed the lump in her throat, watching her friend as tears escaped and slid down her cheeks. Jacqueline reached out and brushed them away.
“You never told anyone?”
“No. I was too ashamed. If I had bruises, I made up some excuse.”
“Bastard,” Jackie whispered.
“He came home really drunk one night. Which wasn’t unusual. But he wanted to have sex. I couldn’t sleep with him. I hadn’t been able to sleep with him since, God, since nearly the beginning. I wasn’t in love with him. I couldn’t stand his touch. And I should have left, I should have told someone… Rose, my mother, someone who would have talked to me and made me leave him. But I didn’t. I stayed because that was what I thought I should do.”
“Jesus, I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you.”
“That night, when I refused, he took a chair and smashed it over my head. And he kicked me and hit me and… and then he raped me,” she finished in a whisper.
“Oh, sweetheart.” Jacqueline moved to her, taking Kay in her arms and holding her tight.
Kay clung to her, crying. She’d never told anyone he’d raped her. She’d begged the doctor not to tell her mother. Just the assault was enough to lock him up, just the assault was enough to make her hang her head in shame. She didn’t want the whole town to know her own husband had raped her.
“I don’t remember a whole lot of that night. When I came to, I was in the hospital, and he was in jail. I spent one week in the hospital, and he spent two years in prison.”
“Where is the bastard now?”
“I’m not sure. His family moved away after it happened. I know he was in Houston for awhile. I think he got into some trouble there, too.”
“That son of a bitch. If I’d been here, I would have killed him.”
Kay smiled through her tears. “Yes, I think you very well might have.” She pulled completely out of Jacqueline’s embrace, but didn’t release her hands. Kay cleared her throat, then continued. “You asked me why I didn’t go to church anymore. I don’t go to church because of Brother Garner.”
“I don’t understand.”
“When the hitting first started, I went to see him. I thought I could talk to him confidentially, perhaps get some advice.”
“And?”
“And the advice I got was to be a better wife and to ob
ey my husband.”
“Well fuck. That’s it? You were the cause, not the victim?”
“Yeah. It was my fault that he hit me.” She smiled weakly. “I wasn’t a good enough wife.”
Jacqueline just shook her head, watching Kay as her eyes shimmered with tears. She knew in her heart that if she’d stayed, she never would have allowed Kay to marry Billy Ray. But how arrogant is that? As if she could control these things. She wondered, if she’d stayed, if she would have been able to continue seeing Kay, being friends with her, without confessing her feelings? And then what? Kay would have been shocked, no doubt. She probably wouldn’t have wanted to see Jacqueline anymore, would have kept her at a distance until their friendship faded into the past. And Jacqueline would have ended up leaving anyway.
“What are you thinking about?”
Jacqueline looked up, unafraid to meet Kay’s eyes. “Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“Okay. I was thinking that if I’d stayed here, I never would have allowed you to marry him. And then I was thinking that I didn’t control you and you could marry whomever you damn well pleased.”
Kay looked down at their hands that were still entwined. She pulled hers away finally, brushing the hair away from her eyes. “Not that I blame you in the least, Jackie, but the only reason I began dating Billy Ray in the first place was because you were seeing Daniel Thornton.”
“What? I wasn’t really seeing him, Kay.”
“Of course you were. Friday nights when you and I used to be together, you were with him. After football games, you went out with him and his friends.” Kay shrugged. “I was—” Jealous? God, how would that sound? “I was lonely.”
“I went out with him because it was expected. Our parents pushed us together. But, it was then that I realized I didn’t like boys. Oh, we kissed a few times, made out, but I never slept with him. He really didn’t try all that hard.”
“Well, I guess we know why. Did you know then that he was gay?”
“Are you kidding? I hardly knew I was.”
“You heard what happened to him?”
“Yeah. Mr. Lawrence told me. We were talking about how my parents had my marriage all arranged, and he told me that Danny had died.”
“Yes. His parents took it very hard. I’ve always wondered if it was because he died or because he was gay and the whole town knew. People can be funny about those things, you know.”
“You’re telling me!”
Kay laughed. “Tell me about your love life.”
“Change of subject?”
“I told you about my awful marriage. What about you? Is there someone waiting for you in California?”
“No, I… no. I live alone.”
Kay raised her eyebrows. “Surely there’s been someone?”
Jacqueline shook her head. “I haven’t met anyone that I wanted to… live with, be with. I mean, I date, but…”
“You haven’t fallen in love?” Kay guessed.
Jacqueline drew her knees up, resting her cheek there as she looked at Kay. She recalled how her heart would race when they were together. How, when they slept together, she would ache with the longing to wrap herself around Kay, to touch her. And how, at times like this, when they were alone, talking, the desire to kiss Kay was nearly too much for her. In love? Maybe. Or maybe just the feelings associated with that very first crush. But God, at night, she would dream of them together, dream of Kay coming to her with as much desire as Jacqueline had for Kay.
“Or maybe you have,” Kay said quietly.
Jacqueline blinked. “What?”
Kay smiled. “Your eyes got all dreamy. Were you thinking about her?”
Jacqueline blushed and looked away. “Yes, actually, I was.”
“Who is she?”
“No, it was someone from a long time ago. I never… I never was… shit, it doesn’t matter.” Jacqueline poured more wine.
Kay was quiet, thinking. All those years ago, she had been devastated to lose her best friend, knowing in her heart that she would never be as close to another woman as she’d been Jackie. Now, here she was, sitting at their favorite spot near the river, sharing wine in plastic cups with the one person she was certain she would never see again.
“You know, I took a lot of heat after you left,” Kay admitted.
“How so?”
“Well, it was no secret that you spent most weekends at our house. I was teased mercilessly for weeks afterward.”
“I’m so sorry, Kay. I can imagine what they were saying to you.”
Kay laughed. “That’s just it. I was so naïve about things, I didn’t really know what they were saying. Mama had to explain to me exactly what a lesbian was.” She laughed again. “I told her she was wrong. You couldn’t possibly be a lesbian because you’d never once tried to kiss me.”
Jacqueline spit out the wine she had just sipped, coughing as she swallowed wrong. Kay tapped her back until she caught her breath. Jacqueline turned slowly, knowing her face was red with embarrassment. But Kay’s eyes twinkled in amusement and Jacqueline relaxed.
“Funny.”
Kay laughed, punching Jacqueline’s arm, enjoying her embarrassment. She never once had known Jackie to be flustered. “For awhile afterward, I always wondered why you hadn’t,” Kay finally confessed. In truth, it had bothered her a lot. She and Jackie were so close, closer than sisters.
“I… I would never have done that, Kay. Hell, I was confused but not… not like that,” she lied. Shit. “You know that, right? You were my best friend. I would never have destroyed that.”
“I know, Jackie. We were just kids.”
“It’s probably best that I left. Your reputation would have been shot to hell if I’d stayed.”
“Like I cared what this town thought.”
“Rene Turner?”
“Rene? Yes, she was the worst. I couldn’t even possibly repeat everything she said to me after you left.” Kay smiled, meeting Jackie’s eyes. “Rumor was you’d made a play for her, and she turned you down.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“She said you ripped her blouse in the locker room.”
Jackie nodded, then started laughing, the long ago memory surfacing.
“Well, well, well. Jackie Keys. Or should I say Jack Keys?”
Jackie tossed her towel into the bin, ignoring Rene.
“I guess this means Kay is your girlfriend?”
Jackie turned on her, her eyes flashing. “ Yo u leave Kay out of this.”
“Protective, aren’t we? How sweet.”
“What do you want, Rene?”
“Why nothing. It’s just that everyone is all surprised. I say, why should they be? You and Kay have been inseparable for years. I guess pretending to date Danny and Billy Ray, you thought no one would know.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Kay and I are friends.”
“Oh, please.”
Jackie stood up straight and took a step toward Rene. “You leave Kay alone. If you don’t, I’ll tell everyone that you and I knew each other really well, Rene. Really well.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’ll tell them I fucked you right here in the locker room, that’s what I’m saying. You leave Kay alone.”
Rene laughed. “Like anyone would believe you.”
“Oh, yeah?” Jackie lunged forward, grabbing Rene’s shirt. “I was an animal, Rene. Yo u couldn’t resist.” She ripped opened Rene’s blouse, revealing the lacy bra beneath.
“ Yo u bitch!” Rene stepped back, away from Jackie. “You pervert, how dare you?”
“I can spread rumors just like you can, Rene. So unless you want the town to think you were my first, you leave Kay out of this.”
“ You’re sick. Sick!”
Jackie smiled. “And you’re a fucking bitch. Get out of here.”
“Why are you laughing?”
“I did rip her blouse. And if I remember correctly, she was wearing a very attract
ive lacy bra.”
Kay covered her mouth. “Are you kidding? You really ripped her blouse?”
Jacqueline nodded. “She came into the locker room that last week. She was talking about me and you. I didn’t want her spreading rumors about you, so I told her I’d tell everyone that she and I went at it in the locker room if she said anything about you.”
Kay smiled sweetly and took Jackie’s hand. “Well, you must have scared her. She didn’t say a word about me until after you were gone.”
“What a bitch she was.”
“Still is. She married Jonathan Wells. He’s vice president at the bank.”
“So she thinks she’s hot shit?”
“They built a house at the country club last year. I see her at Christmas when she comes to the store to buy new ornaments.”
“Well, that’s big of her to patronize your store.”
“Yes, it is.” Kay tilted her head, squeezing Jackie’s fingers with her hand. “Tell me, Jackie.”
Jackie shrugged. “What do you want to know?”
“Tell me what really happened. All I know is, I went to school one morning and you weren’t there. And then the rumors.”
Jacqueline leaned back against the pine, her eyes closing as she remembered the scene in her mother’s kitchen.
“I know you want to move away to go to college, Jacqueline, but you must think about your future here. Daniel Thornton’s parents have agreed, once you marry, to give you twenty acres of their property. You can build out there. I think it’s acceptable if you want to commute to the junior college until the marriage, but after that, there’s really no need. Daniel will work in the mill. Your father will make sure he’s promoted, of course.”
“Excuse me? You have not only my marriage planned, but also my future husband’s employment? Well, that’s really romantic, Mother.”
“Romantic? Jacqueline, your father is the mayor of this town. The mill employs more than half of the men in the county. There’s no time for romance. The Thorntons, as well as owning thousands of acres of timber, are the wealthiest family in the county, besides our own. It’s only natural that we merge.”
“Merge?” Jackie tossed her sandwich on the table. “I don’t know what you’ve been planning, Mother, but I’m not marrying Danny Thornton. I don’t love him.”
