Downcast

by Cait Reynolds

  I should have just walked away, but, leave it to me to not even be able to diss people the right way.

  Instead, I rolled my eyes and laughed.

  "What's so funny?" Kara snapped, narrowing her eyes.

  "You really think a god like Haley is going to stay interested in someone like you?" Jordan fumed.

  I cocked my head to the side, buoyed up by an irrepressible surge of sensing my own power. These poor girls, with their bleached blonde hair and bubble gum lives, had nothing. I had Haley. I had myself.

  Buzzing with a kind of reckless courage, I fixed my steeliest gaze on them, narrowing my eyes ever so slightly.

  "Yes," I replied with a smirk, letting the satisfaction of remembering Haley's kisses saturate that word. “I absolutely do. Give it up, Jordan. You never had a chance.”

  Jordan and Kara physically startled and stepped back. They looked dazed and a little flushed. Score one for Stephanie Starr.

  I took advantage of their shock to slip around them and out of the aisle. Then, being the bold badass that I was, I went and hid behind the periodicals display to watch until they left and the coast was clear.

  "See?" cooed a smooth, musical voice by my ear. "You can do it, just like he told you that you could."

  I whipped around to find Katie Jones smiling at me, her indigo blue eyes almost unnaturally bright. Morris stood by her side, staring at me in surprise.

  The bell rang before I could ask her anything else, and Morris dragged me away to the joys of senior Economics.

  ***

  This was officially turning into the longest day ever. I felt ancient by the time English rolled around, though being pulled into Haley's arms just outside the classroom did give me a much needed boost.

  "Did you think of me, Stephanie Starr?" he asked, dredging his words in thick need.

  "Yes," I answered breathlessly. "Well, no."

  His face fell a fraction, and I felt the exquisite pressure of his fingertips tightening around me ever so slightly.

  "I mean, I did, but I kind of had to think about Jordan and Kara for a few minutes," I amended, cracking a small smile. "And then, there was the whole need to think about Katie Jones, Morris, and Economics, where I still don't get what Mr. Sewell is talking about with inflation. But yes, I mostly thought of you."

  It was touch and go if he was going to kiss me right then and there.

  Instead, he laughed, the sound rumbling between us.

  "Now," he said. “I have a question for you. Do you wish me to sit next to you in English?”

  "No." The word came out instinctively, apologetically, and cringingly, but he surprised me by grinning at me instead of being hurt.

  "Good," he replied. "Sitting next to you without being able to touch you all this time has been a torment, and now that I have you, I don’t think I could hold back.”

  “Mr. Lafitte would have a ‘la fit,’” I observed.

  "Yes, though…it’s not getting detention I’m worried about.” A shadow of a laugh colored his voice. “So, since I can’t hold you during class, sitting across from you and looking at you is for me the next best thing. That way, I can still see your lovely face and watch your eyes open the windows to your soul."

  He bent his head down and brushed his lips lightly against mine.

  "And, I do so love your soul," he murmured. "It is precious to me."

  I swallowed his breath and his words, reveling in the dizzying moment of his love.

  Reluctantly, we went into the classroom where Helen, Zack, and Jordan were already in their regular seats. Jordan pointedly ignored me and immediately turned to Haley as he sat down next to her.

  "So, what do you think about Homecoming?” she exclaimed. “It looks like you're going to be Homecoming King, I mean, no one is running against you now."

  "A king is nothing without his queen."

  Her eyes flicked toward me and I could practically see the tiny gears in Jordan's tiny brain straining to figure out exactly what he meant by that and if it involved me in any way as the write-in candidate.

  "I guess you'll find out at Homecoming who your queen is going to be," Helen said drily, breaking the awkward silence.

  "I know who my queen is," Haley replied evenly, fixing his endlessly black eyes on me, drawing me into his orbit, even from across the room. “No matter what happens, or where I go.”

  Wait? What was that supposed to mean?

  "Come again?" Helen snapped.

  I loved Helen.

  "Yeah, that's kinda complicated," Zack interjected, nodding at Haley. "It’s just that he might kind of…have to…leave town soon."

  "What?" The sound of my voice startled me. Haley shot Zack a black glare.

  "When?" Helen exclaimed.

  "For how long?" Jordan demanded.

  The second bell rang, and Mr. Lafitte came in. I didn't even bother pretending to pay attention to class. Screw class. What the hell? Old fears and new anger rushed to the surface, my fresh, fragile happiness wilting and shriveled up in the sudden frost.

  I stared stonily at Haley, and he held my gaze steadily, never faltering. Sure, he had told me he might have to leave Darbyfield at some point, but he’d never said how soon. Zack made it sound like Haley’s departure was right around the corner, though, and the thought of him leaving had me reeling. Through the haze of my hurt and frustration, I began to see the hard lines of his mouth, and the desperate tension around his eyes. He was trying to tell me something, but I was too consumed by the sick cherry medicine taste of my own despair to understand.

  I barely noticed Helen glaring at Zack and Haley, or Jordan glaring at me. Mr. Lafitte didn't notice anybody glaring at anybody and droned on until the last bell of the day rang.

  Mechanically, I got up and silently walked back down to my locker. A few moments later, I sensed Haley's presence behind me.

  "I told you," he murmured roughly. "That day in the graveyard. I told you I'd have to leave. You knew that."

  I spun around to face him, replying coldly, "Yes, you told me, but because you can't explain anything, I had no way—still have no way—of knowing what you meant. Why do you have to leave? Where are you going? How long will you be gone? Will you come back? No, wait, let me guess...you can't tell me. What a surprise!"

  My diatribe had yo-yoed from frustrated to heartbroken and back to frustrated. I stood toe-to-toe with Haley, heat rising up from my throat and making my eyes literally feel hot, as if I had a fever.

  Haley's lips pressed into a thin line, and his black eyes flashed dangerously. I watched his hands flex and clench at his sides, his face all sharp angles and pale skin.

  I refused to back down, and when his eyes narrowed, I knew he was only moments away from throwing me over his shoulder and carrying me off to the woods to kiss all the fight out of me. My mouth went dry at the thought, both from wanting it and dreading it.

  A full measure of heartbeats passed between us, and he sighed, closing his eyes in an agonized defeat.

  "Come on, Stephanie," he said softly. "I'll drive you home."

  Oh God, this was it. He was breaking up with me. The fall I knew had been coming was finally here, and it was a long way down to the bottom. My little one-day romance was over, and my heart was breaking as if it had been one hundred years.

  “It’s over?” I whispered.

  The rest of the words died on my lips as he crushed me to him.

  "No," he stated, iron in his voice and desire in his eyes. “It will never be over between us.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  “LET ME PUT THIS a different way,” I said, finally breaking the silence between us as he pulled out of the parking spot in the school lot.

  I thought hard for a moment.

  “Does this have to do with your parents?” I asked.

  To my relief, he smiled. “No.”

  “Does this have to do with Zack?”

  “No.”

  “Um…your grades?”

  “Hardly.”
<
br />   “Hey, have you noticed?”

  “What?”

  “You’re actually answering my questions.” I smiled triumphantly.

  Haley laughed as he changed gears. “I never said I couldn’t answer your questions. I said I couldn’t tell you.”

  “Wait, no, that’s not true!” I cried indignantly. “I’ve been asking you for answers from day one!”

  “Exactly, princess. You’ve been asking me over and over the one kind question I can’t answer.”

  “Why can’t you answer?”

  He smiled a little sheepishly. “Well, actually, that’s the other question I can’t answer. The point is I can’t tell you anything directly, and, yes, there is a very good reason for that. However, I’m pretty sure everything else is fair game, so keep going.”

  Of course, at this crucial moment, my mind went completely blank. I thought bitterly that in a book, the heroine would have probably had some incredible insight and asked the single question that would solve everything. I wasn’t a heroine, though. I was just me, and I still sucked at solving mysteries.

  “Maybe Helen should ask the questions,” I mused. “She’s better with the logic stuff.”

  “She also doesn’t take no for an answer,” Haley said, rolling his eyes slightly.

  “Hey, I don’t either!” I protested.

  He took advantage of a stoplight to turn and look deeply into my eyes, caressing my cheek with his free hand.

  “I think,” he said slowly, “that for a long time you did.”

  I lapsed into silence, both mesmerized by his shadowy eyes and his insight. He was right. Seen in this new light, my life had been nothing more than a long string of accepting others’ limits for me. Yet, for the past two days, I’d pushed past the “no’s,” and the world hadn’t stopped turning. I had actually been able to stand up for myself, make my own decisions, and even grab at happiness as it came my way.

  “If I had my way,” Haley said, breaking into my reverie. “I would turn this car around, and we would drive away. Far away. Anywhere but here.”

  His words jolted my mind back to unpleasant answered questions.

  “But, you are going far away from here,” I pointed out, trying to keep my voice steady as anxiety exploded inside me again.

  He frowned and said, “Don’t worry about that. I still have a little time here, and we will work something out. Trust me, Stephanie, I’m not going anywhere without you.”

  The absolute determination and finality in his voice calmed me, though it didn’t really give me any answers.

  “Can you tell me why you have to leave?” I tried.

  “I…can…and, I will, but not just yet. Will you trust me when I tell you it’s not the right time yet?”

  “I guess. I mean, yes, I trust you, but I don’t like not getting an answer.”

  “I don’t like having to leave you at your house and drive away,” he said, gesturing to my house at the end of the block as he stopped the car at the corner. “But I suppose doing what we don’t like is part of being human.”

  That was a weird way to put it, but he was right. We all had to do difficult things, and for me, in that moment, it included going inside and facing Mom.

  “I’m kind of worried about my mom,” I said.

  Haley snorted and glared at my house. "I'm worried about your mom, too."

  "Which means?"

  “Your mom sounds…unstable. I’m afraid she might hurt you.”

  “Mom would never do that to—“ The words died abruptly on my lips as I realized that I wasn’t telling the truth.

  "The only thing that matters now is your safety, princess. I can't lose you, not now," he whispered against my lips.

  With those words, I was ready throw responsibility out the window. Sure, I could go home, but I could also pull him into the back seat of his car and do…things.

  "H-home," I stuttered limply against his kisses.

  He gave me a knowing smile that made my ears burn.

  I was embarrassed at my body's treacherous reactions to him. Whose hormones were giving them problems now? I thought sourly.

  "I don't want to let you go in that house alone," he said quietly, finally pulling back just enough to let breath come between us.

  "Why?" I asked, shocked and confused for the billionth time that day.

  "You are worried about your mother," he replied.

  "But, you don't know why I'm worried about her."

  "You are scared. That's plain enough to see."

  I bit my lip as I considered his words, forced to admit the truth of them, even if it still felt like a betrayal and maybe a little melodramatic to be afraid of my own mother.

  "You're right," I conceded. "I'm scared. I...I just don't know what to be scared of exactly."

  "Tell me," he said.

  "It's going to sound either crazy weird or really silly."

  "Trust me," he replied drily. "There is nothing that you could tell me that I wouldn't believe."

  "How? I mean, why would you believe me implicitly even if what I’m going to tell you is totally bizarre?"

  He pulled to the side of the road at the end of my street. He raised his hand to cup my cheek and smiled at me sadly.

  "This world is a strange place," he said. "There's more that we should believe that we don't."

  I took a deep breath, trusting his eyes, his words and his touch, and I told him everything, from the first day of school to that morning. He listened, his neutral expression turning into a frown, and then a scowl by the time I finished.

  Exhaling, I felt a little better for telling him, but I was still scared about Mom, and his fearsome glowering wasn't helping.

  "Haley?" I asked tentatively.

  All the anger on his faced was wiped away in an instant, and he turned to me with the kindest, gentlest expression I'd ever seen.

  He kissed me with an aching slowness and said, "Thank you for telling me, for trusting me. I believe you. I will always believe what you tell me, princess."

  My heart and eyelids fluttered in sync at the touch of his lips to mine.

  "How do you do that?" I muttered, scrambling for air and wits.

  "Do what?"

  "Make me all flustered? Have you been using your mind mojo thing on me?"

  "I would never use it on you. Besides, it wouldn’t work."

  "Good, because I'd hate to think of things that mind mojo could make someone do. I mean, you could make someone tell secrets or say things for you."

  Haley's eyebrows shot up, and a gleam of interest lit up his eyes. I barely noticed, though, because my brain had just caught up to everything he had said.

  He looked at me apologetically, and I huffed, crossing my arms over my chest. He looked unhappily from me to the street with my house looming at the end.

  "Are you sure you won't come with me?"

  I sighed and shook my head. He caught my chin and brought his lips to mine in a slow, soft kiss.

  "Positive?" he whispered.

  I struggled to speak while he pulled me across the console so that I was in his lap, and he crushed me against his chest, kissing me as if he would devour me.

  Heat uncoiled like a vine inside me, reaching its tendrils to the tip of every nerve, set them to pulsing and trembling. I could hear Haley's ragged breathing as it matched my own. His moans of pleasure were like growls, and I found myself growling back as he pulled at my lips with his teeth. My fingers dug through his hair and down the back of his shirt as his hands slid down my side to brush the skin at my waist. He held the back of my head so that there was no escape from his kiss. The raw want between us made us fierce, almost angry in our movements, and I felt that strange surge of strength within me so that I could match him, touch for touch.

  Our heartbeats fell into time together, but this was more than just something physical. I was swallowed by a black universe that glittered with ice. I filled the void with heat and sweetness, and together, he and I were complete. Perfect balance, p
erfect unity, perfect existence.

  Slowly, as if from a great distance, I started to drift, floating away from the darkness and up into light. Tangible things began to take shape again, like the steering wheel biting into my back and my legs resting on the console.

  Breathing heavily, I forced my eyes open and looked up at him. His expression was wild, dangerous. In his eyes, I saw desire thrashing about, chafing at the prison of his will.

  "If you don't go now," he said hoarsely. "I will never let you leave."

  As exaggerated as that sounded, I knew he meant it. He would drive us away, and I would never see Darbyfield again. I endured three seconds of pure temptation.

  I struggled to sit up in his lap and bring my legs around so I could get out of the car from his seat. I felt him shift underneath me and let out a frustrated sigh.

  "That isn't helping, you know," he said with a rueful smile, tracing my spine with his forefinger.

  I reached over to grab my bag from the passenger seat and felt his cold hand at the small of my back where my shirt had pulled up from my skirt. I closed my eyes as the connection between us threatened to swallow me whole once again.

  "Stop," I whispered, and his hand was instantly gone, though another sigh followed it.

  I sat up, threw the car door open and was about to get out.

  "Don't go," Haley said softly, and the tender pleading in his voice was almost my undoing.

  I turned to him and cupped his face in my hands. I knew what I felt for him, and I believed I knew what he felt, too, but I needed to hear him say it. It was the only way I could go, could get out of this car, and could face whatever was waiting for me in my mother's house.