A Mother's Secret

by Amy Clipston

  “Just listen to me, Josh. Lena is perfect for you. I already told you that she likes to cook and bake. Your refrigerator and pantry are bare. You could use a gut maedel to cook for you. If I didn’t cook for you, you would starve. If you went to a singing, you could get to know Lena better and see that she really is a lovely maedel. She’d be the perfect fraa for you.”

  While his mother continued to prattle on about Lena Esh, Joshua lost himself in thoughts of Carolyn Lapp. He couldn’t stop thinking about her smile, and he was still surprised that she had started weeding the garden. He couldn’t wait to try her pies, and he wondered when he’d be able to see her again.

  He did a mental head shake and pushed away those eager thoughts. Why would he bother thinking about Carolyn when he didn’t have time to date?

  He knew he’d only have his heart broken again like he did when he tried to date Hannah. Besides, a woman like Carolyn would be married already if she wanted to have a husband. She was probably really picky. And maybe she didn’t want to be married anyway. He was only setting himself up for heartache by thinking about her. It was better to just forget her and concentrate on running his horse farm. That was all that really mattered.

  Carolyn was finishing up her vacuuming in one of the hotel rooms when she spotted Ruth standing in the doorway. She turned off the vacuum and smiled at her friend. “Wie geht’s?”

  “How are you?” Ruth stepped into the room. “How was your day off yesterday?”

  “It was gut.” Carolyn hesitated while she thought about her brief conversation with Joshua’s mother. In fact, she had contemplated it most of the evening and then again while she cleaned this morning. She was still bothered by how rude the woman had been to her, though now she worried that she had done something to offend her. But she couldn’t imagine what she’d done wrong.

  Ruth tilted her head with curiosity. “Was iss letz?”

  “Nothing is wrong, really.” Carolyn leaned on the vacuum cleaner handle. “I just had a very odd conversation with Joshua Glick’s mamm yesterday.”

  Ruth nodded with understanding in her expression. “I could see that happening. Barbie Glick is a very interesting person. What did she say?”

  Carolyn shared the story of how she had delivered the two pies and had an awkward conversation with Barbie by the garden. “I was really stunned by how direct she was. She was sort of rude to me. Actually, she was really rude to me, and I’m not proud that I was sort of rude when I answered her.”

  “Barbie has been very abrasive at times.” Ruth paused as if choosing her words carefully, which piqued Carolyn’s curiosity.

  “You’re keeping something from me. What are you hesitating to tell me?”

  “You know Hannah was married to Josh’s bruder, right?”

  Carolyn nodded. “Ya, of course I knew that. Hannah told me all about Gideon and how he passed away so tragically. Everyone knows Hannah left the community and that she’s English now.”

  “I really don’t want to gossip, but I know Hannah would confirm this if she were here.” Ruth paused again. “When Hannah was married to Gideon, Barbie always had a bad habit of upsetting Hannah. She even continued to reprimand Hannah after Gideon died. Barbie constantly corrected how she raised the kinner and kept the haus. Nothing was ever gut enough in Barbie’s eyes.”

  Carolyn scowled as she remembered how Barbie had spoken to her yesterday. “I could see that. She acted as if I had trespassed on private property, but Josh told me I could leave the pies in the kitchen for him. He gave me permission to be on his property, and I didn’t think weeding his garden was so terribly wrong. I was only trying to help.”

  Ruth’s expression softened as she crossed the room and stood by Carolyn. “You have to remember Barbie has been through a lot of heartache in her life. Her son died as a young man, and her daughter-in-law left the Amish church and took two of Barbie’s grandkinner with her. I believe people sometimes change after heartache.”

  Carolyn grimaced. “She was very rude. It was ridiculous.”

  “Just remember the verse from 1 Peter, ‘Live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.’ ” Ruth touched Carolyn’s arm. “Barbie needs your understanding. She lost her son and now two of her grandkinner are only visitors in her home once in a while. I think she’s overprotective of Josh because deep in her heart she worries that she’ll lose him too. Maybe she holds on too tight because she’s afraid to let go.”

  Carolyn sighed and guilt jabbed her in the gut. “Ya, I understand now. I can’t imagine losing Ben.”

  Tears misted over Ruth’s eyes. “I miss my son every moment of every day. I know Barbie is hurting like I hurt. I wish I could just know if he is still alive. Does he have enough to eat? Is he happy? Is he warm on cold nights? I don’t know anything about his life, and my heart is broken every day that I don’t hear from him.”

  Carolyn hugged Ruth. “I’m sorry.”

  “You don’t have to be sorry.” Ruth’s expression brightened. “But you do need to take a break.” She pointed to the digital clock next to the bed. “It’s lunchtime.”

  Carolyn glanced at the clock and gasped with surprise. “Oh my. I didn’t even realize it was noon. I’ll finish this room and then meet you down in the break room.”

  “Okay.” Ruth headed for the door.

  Carolyn contemplated Barbie and Ruth while she worked. She felt sorry for Barbie’s heartache, but she also wondered if there was more to her overbearing personality. She longed to get to know Joshua better, and she hoped Barbie wouldn’t stand in the way of her developing a friendship with him.

  NINE

  Hannah pushed her shopping cart toward the produce department in the grocery store Friday afternoon. She glanced down at her list, checked off the items she’d already tossed into her cart, and then made her way to the bananas. After putting a bunch of bananas into the cart and checking her list again, she looked up to see the back of a young Amish girl. She was certain it was Lillian.

  “Lily?” Hannah weaved past other shoppers, excusing herself along the way. “Lillian!”

  The girl turned toward Hannah. It was Lily, and Hannah’s heart skipped a beat. “Lily!” she yelled louder.

  Lily’s eyes widened, and she quickened her steps as she pushed her cart toward the checkout.

  “Lily! Please wait.” Hannah rushed toward her and grabbed the sleeve of her purple dress. “Lillian, please talk to me.”

  “Please stop. Just leave me alone.” Lily gritted her teeth. “You’re making a scene. Everyone is looking at us.”

  “They wouldn’t stare if you stopped and talked to me.” Hannah smiled, despite being hurt that Lillian rejected her. She was going to push through and make her daughter talk to her, no matter how painful it was. “It’s so gut to see you.”

  “Really?” Lily shook her head. “Why do you act like everything is fine between us? Nothing is fine. You left me, remember?”

  “Lily, please, just listen to me.” Hannah pointed toward her shopping cart full of groceries. “I’m going to make a nice supper tonight. We have some guests arriving from New Jersey, and I’m going to make them an authentic Amish meal. Why don’t you come? You can have dinner with Trey, Amanda, Andrew, and me, and you can visit the bed-and-breakfast. I’d love for you to see how I decorated it. It looks lovely. There’s plenty of room if you’d like to spend the night. One of us can take you home in the morning.”

  Lily raised an eyebrow in disbelief. “You really want me to come and have supper with your guests? Is that so you can parade me around as your authentic Amish dochder to go with your authentic meal?” She folded her arms over her cloak. “Do you charge the patrons extra to meet a real Amish person?”

  Hannah grimaced as hurt squeezed her heart. “Do you really think I would use you as a way to make money at my bed-and-breakfast?”

  “I don’t know.” Lily’s green eyes challenged her. “Would you? I don’t know you at all anymore. I neve
r imagined you would abandon me and tear our family apart for a man.”

  Hannah took a deep breath and willed herself not to cry despite her crumbling heart. “Lily, I pray every night that God will help you soften your heart toward me. Someday you will forgive me and we can be close again. Wouldn’t you like to have a relationship with me?”

  Lily’s lip trembled. “I have to go.”

  Hannah watched her daughter walk away and prayed that someday she would see Lillian walking back into her life.

  The scene at the grocery store repeated in Hannah’s mind as she prepared the meal for the guests who would arrive at the Heart of Paradise Bed-and-Breakfast in a couple of hours. She’d cried the whole ride back to the house.

  She’d been praying daily, more than once each day, that Lily would find a way to forgive her for leaving the farm and the Amish church. When she’d spotted Lily in the store, she thought maybe God had finally given her the chance to make things right with her daughter. Yet the conversation had ended just as painfully as the last time she’d spoken to her.

  Hannah pulled a loaf of homemade bread out of the oven and placed it on the stove. The back door squeaked closed, and Amanda stepped into the kitchen. She dropped her backpack on the floor before swiping a banana from the counter.

  “Hi, Mamm.” Amanda kissed Hannah’s cheek. “I had the best day. Guess who I ran into at the gas station on the way home? Remember my friend Mike Smithson who worked at his uncle’s bookstore across from the deli? Well, he was at the next pump and he asked me if I wanted to—” She stopped speaking and her expression reflected concern. “Mamm? Have you been crying?”

  Hannah sniffed and wiped her eyes. “Ya.”

  “What happened?” Amanda took Hannah’s hands and led her to the table, where they both sat down.

  “I ran into your schweschder today at the grocery store.” Hannah swiped the back of her hand across her cheeks as her tears started again. “I begged her to come visit, and she rejected me again.”

  “Oh, Mamm.” Amanda frowned and wiped a tear from Hannah’s face. “I’m so sorry she’s still not talking to you.”

  Hannah shared the conversation, and Amanda shook her head.

  “I’ll talk to her the next time I see her, okay?” Amanda hugged her and then frowned. “I don’t understand why she would accuse you of using her for the business. Where does she get these crazy ideas? I wonder if Mammi puts them in her head. I love Mammi, but she says some peculiar things sometimes.”

  “I don’t know where she gets an idea like that.” Hannah shook her head. “But I would love it if you talked to her. Maybe you can make Lily see that I love her and I want to make things right. I know this isn’t easy, but we can work through things and repair our relationship if she would give me a chance.”

  “Ya, I’ll talk to her.” Amanda handed her a napkin, and Hannah wiped her eyes. “I’ll do my best to get it through her stubborn head that you do love her.”

  Hannah smiled. “Danki for understanding. I can’t imagine if I had lost both of you.”

  “No, you won’t lose me.” Amanda looked at the ingredients and bowls lined up on the counter. “What’s on the menu for our guests?”

  Hannah cleared her throat and turned her thoughts toward her meal. “I’m making homemade chicken potpie, corn, potatoes, shoofly pie, chocolate cake, and a fruit salad.”

  “Oh, those are all my favorites.” Amanda grinned. “How can I help?”

  Hannah pointed toward the fruit. “Do you want to start cutting up the fruit for the fruit salad?”

  “I’d love to.” Amanda washed her hands in the sink.

  “Now, tell me all about Mike Smithson.” Hannah began pulling together the ingredients for the potpie.

  “It was so funny, Mamm. I was pumping gas, and at first he didn’t recognize me. He said I looked different without my prayer covering.” Amanda waved her hands for emphasis while she talked. “Then he asked me if I was going to school. I told him yes. Next thing I know, he asked me out on a date. I’m so excited. He wants to take me to dinner next Friday night. Isn’t that amazing?”

  As Amanda detailed her encounter with her friend, Hannah silently prayed. She thanked God for her sweet Amanda. She also prayed that someday Lillian would surprise her by coming to the bed-and-breakfast and sharing everything that was going on in her life with the same enthusiasm as her twin.

  On Tuesday morning, Carolyn walked out to the phone shanty she and her parents shared with Amos and Sarah Ann and checked their messages. The first two were from her mother’s friends asking her to come to two separate quilting bees. She wrote down their messages for her mother.

  When the last message started, a little voice spoke. “Hi, this is Emma Beiler calling for Carolyn and Sarah Ann. My dat and I would like to have you all over for supper tonight. Dat and I are going to make something special. Please call and let me know if you can come.” Emma rattled off the time for supper, her phone number, and directions to their farm before disconnecting the call.

  Carolyn replayed the message and then stared at her notepad. She imagined the supper invitation was Emma’s idea. She had seemed like such a sweet girl, and Carolyn didn’t want to hurt her feelings. She knew she should go to their house for supper instead of turning down the invitation and upsetting both Emma and Amos.

  “Gude mariye, Carolyn.” Sarah Ann approached the phone shanty. “Did you listen to the messages?”

  “Ya, I did,” Carolyn said. “There weren’t any for you, except that Emma invited us all for supper tonight.”

  “She did?” Sarah Ann smiled. “Isn’t that nice. She invited everyone?”

  “Ya, at five thirty. Will you, Amos, and the kinner want to come?”

  “Ya, Amos and I will come. The buwe will have chores, and Rosemary is babysitting for the English family up the street.”

  “I’ll call Emma back and tell her that you, Amos, Ben, and I will be there,” Carolyn said. “I’ll make dessert.”

  “That’s perfect.” Sarah Ann walked back toward the house.

  After dialing Emma’s phone number, Carolyn cleared her throat and waited for the answering machine beep. “Hi, Emma. This is Carolyn returning your call. Danki for your message. Sarah Ann, Amos, Ben, and I would love to come for supper. I’ll bring something for dessert. We look forward to seeing you this evening.”

  Carolyn hung up the phone and headed back into the house, where her mother was sitting at the kitchen table working on a shopping list.

  “Were there any messages?” Mamm asked without looking up.

  “Ya.” Carolyn sank onto the bench beside her. “You had two and I had one.” She handed her mother the piece of paper with her two messages.

  Mamm examined them and then looked up at Carolyn. “Who called you?”

  “Emma Beiler.” Carolyn gazed toward the kitchen cabinets and contemplated what she would make for dessert.

  “Emma Beiler?” Her mother raised her eyebrows. “What did she want?”

  “She invited Sarah Ann, me, and our families to supper tonight.”

  Mamm’s mouth gaped. “Really?”

  “I have a feeling it was all her idea.”

  “Are you going to go?”

  “Ya.” Carolyn nodded. “I feel like I should go. I spoke with Sarah Ann, and she said she and Amos will go too. I’m going to make Ben come along with us. I don’t want to hurt Emma’s feelings. She’s such a sweet kind. I left her a message saying I would bring dessert.”

  Her mother studied her for a moment. “Do you want to get to know Saul?”

  “Ya, I think I need to give him a chance since Amos is really insistent about this.” She rested her chin in her palm. “I guess I could make frosted carrot bars. I haven’t made those in a while.”

  “You need to tread carefully here.” Her mother touched her arm. “If Emma gets attached to you, you’re going to break her heart if it doesn’t work out. She’s already lost her mutter. You don’t want her to feel like she lost yo
u too, do you?” Her mother frowned. “I know you’re in a difficult situation, but maybe I can help. Do you want me to talk to Amos?”

  “No, danki. That will only make it worse. I can handle this myself.” Carolyn stood and moved toward the counter. “Want to help me make frosted carrot bars?”

  Amos guided the horse and buggy onto the street where Saul’s house was located. Carolyn sat in the back next to Ben and held the platter of frosted carrot bars. She wondered how the evening would go for the six of them.

  Soon a white building came into view with a large sign that said “Beiler’s Cabinets.” A two-story white house sat behind it.

  “I didn’t know Saul makes cabinets,” Benjamin said as the buggy rattled up the rock driveway toward Saul’s house.

  “Saul’s business is doing really well,” Amos responded. “He stays busy.”

  “That’s gut.” Carolyn took in the large barns behind the house and the pasture.

  Amos brought the horse to a stop by the first barn, and they all climbed out, walked to the front porch, and climbed the steps. Amos knocked, and Carolyn heard footsteps approach from the other side of the door.

  Emma pulled the door open and beamed. “Wie geht’s!” She made a sweeping gesture. “Please come in.”

  Carolyn followed Amos, Benjamin, and Sarah Ann into the house, where Amos and Benjamin hung their hats and coats on a peg by the door and then Benjamin hung Carolyn’s and Sarah Ann’s cloaks. They followed Emma into a large kitchen, where the aroma of ham loaf drowned Carolyn’s senses.

  “You made ham loaf?” Carolyn smiled at the eager girl.

  “Ya.” Emma nodded with emphasis while gesturing toward the stove. “My dat helped me. I hope we got it right this time. The last time we made it, it was a little overdone. I used mei mamm’s favorite recipe since this is a very special occasion.”

  “I’m certain it’s perfect.” Carolyn held out the platter. “I hope you like frosted carrot bars.”