A Mother's Secret

by Amy Clipston

  “Danki.” Joshua crossed his arms over his wide chest.

  The men fell into an easy conversation about horses while Carolyn stood beside them. She hoped this meant Amos would accept Joshua and not criticize her for sitting alone with him.

  Amos and Joshua talked for several minutes before her brother started toward the barn.

  “Well, it was gut talking to you,” Amos said. “Gut nacht.”

  “Gut nacht.” Joshua waved toward him. He turned back to Carolyn and studied her. “You look nervous, but I don’t think he’s upset with you.”

  “I’m okay.” She forced a smile despite her anxiety. “I just didn’t expect anyone to walk out here.”

  He touched her hand again. “I better get going.”

  “Ya, it’s getting late.” She walked him toward the buggy and contemplated telling him about Benjamin. Although she knew she needed to be honest with him, the moment had passed, and her courage had disappeared as soon as her brother had walked around the corner.

  They stood together in front of his buggy.

  “Gut nacht, mei Carolyn,” he said softly. “I’ll see you again soon.”

  “I look forward to it.” She smiled up at him. “Gut nacht.”

  Carolyn waved as Joshua’s buggy moved toward the road.

  Amos came up behind her. “Did you tell him about Benjamin?”

  “No.” Carolyn faced her brother. “I was going to, but you interrupted us.”

  “It’s a gut thing I did. You two were getting too cozy out here.” He frowned. “I saw he was holding your hand. You know it’s against our beliefs to touch before marriage.”

  Carolyn blew out an irritated sigh. “Of course I know that. I was reminded over and over again after I made my mistake. You don’t need to keep reminding me, Amos.”

  “People are going to talk about you if they find out you’re breaking the rules with Joshua.” He paused and his expression softened as if he truly cared about her. “You do realize Joshua is going to find out the truth eventually. Don’t you think he should find out from you and not someone else?”

  She nodded. “I know you’re right.”

  “You need to tell him now.” Amos turned and started back toward the barn.

  Carolyn stared after her brother while regret drowned her. She may have messed everything up by not telling him the truth tonight when she had the chance.

  She walked slowly toward the house and found her mother standing at the counter while a pot warmed on the stove.

  “Mamm?” she asked, crossing the kitchen. “I thought you and Dat were in bed.”

  “I’m trying your trick.” Mamm pointed toward the pot. “Warm milk.”

  “You can’t sleep?” Carolyn leaned against the counter.

  “No, I can’t.” Her mother studied her. “Is something wrong? You looked so froh earlier. Did Josh do something to upset you?”

  “No, it’s not Josh.” Carolyn sighed. “Josh is wonderful. I think he almost told me he loves me tonight. He said I’m the reason he can smile again, and he called me his Carolyn.”

  Mamm hugged her. “That’s wunderbaar! That means he’s in love with you, Carolyn. That’s the best news!”

  “No, it’s not.” Carolyn shook her head as tears filled her eyes.

  “Why are you crying? I thought you loved Joshua.”

  “I do love him.” She wiped her eyes. “But I haven’t told him the truth. He still thinks Benjamin is my nephew.” Carolyn sniffed. “I was going to tell him the truth tonight, but Amos walked out back and found us sitting together. After Amos left, the perfect opportunity was gone. I couldn’t bring myself to say the words.”

  Mamm smiled. “You can still tell him. You’ll find the right words and the right time. Have faith.”

  Carolyn shook her head. “I’m afraid it’s too late now. He shared some really private feelings tonight. It was as if he let me into his heart. I should’ve told him about Ben while he was sharing his secrets with me. He’s going to think I deliberately kept my secrets to myself.”

  “No, he won’t think that. If he really loves you, he’ll understand why you waited.” Mamm touched her shoulder. “He loves you, Carolyn. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at you. He will understand. Just have faith. Trust your heart.”

  Carolyn nodded, even though she doubted her mother’s words.

  “You’re a schee maedel inside and out, and you’re worthy of love, Carolyn. Trust me. God has waited for the perfect time to bring love into your life. Embrace it. Tell Joshua about Benjamin when the time is right, and everything will turn out just fine.” She turned back to the pot, poured some of the warm milk into a mug, and held it out to Carolyn. “Would you like some?”

  “No, danki.” Carolyn cupped her hand over her mouth to stifle a yawn. “I’m going to head to bed.”

  “Gut nacht.”

  “Gut nacht,” Carolyn repeated. As she walked toward her room, she prayed her mother was right about Joshua. Yet deep in her heart, she couldn’t help worrying that she could lose him as soon as he found out the truth about Benjamin.

  Joshua stopped his horse in front of his father’s barn. He jumped out of the buggy and headed back to where he spotted a dim light spilling out from under the door of his father’s woodworking shop.

  He pushed the door open and found his father sanding a small piece of wood. Tools cluttered the small workbench while several battery-operated lanterns hung on hooks around the shop.

  “Dat!” he said, his heart thumping against his rib cage. “Dat, I need to talk to you.”

  “Josh. What a pleasant surprise.” Dat patted a bench beside him. “Have a seat. What brings you out here so late?”

  “I need to tell you something.” Joshua grinned with excitement. “Dat, I’m in love, and I think I’m ready to ask her to marry me.”

  “Really?” His father’s eyes widened. “This is exciting news. Who is this special maedel?”

  “Carolyn Lapp.” Joshua’s smile deepened as he spoke. “I’m so froh. I’ve never been this froh in my life. I thought I was in love with Hannah, but this is different. It’s different than anything I’ve ever felt. I thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life, but I was wrong. I was so very wrong.”

  “I’m so froh to hear you say this.” Dat clapped. “Your mamm will be thrilled.”

  “Actually, no. She won’t.” Joshua grimaced. “Mamm doesn’t like Carolyn for some reason. She’s been pushing me to date Lena Esh.”

  “Are you certain she doesn’t like Carolyn?” Dat looked surprised.

  “Ya, I’m completely certain. She’s made it clear.” Joshua ran his finger over the workbench as he spoke. “She’s not going to be froh when she finds out I plan to ask Carolyn to marry me.”

  “Well, don’t you worry about your mamm. I’ll handle her.”

  Joshua’s courage wavered as he considered his next question. “How do I ask Carolyn to marry me?”

  His father laughed. “What do you mean? You just come out and say, ‘Will you marry me?’ ”

  “Right.” Joshua laughed, despite his anxiety. “I just need to ask her.”

  “That’s right. Just ask her.”

  “I hope so.” Joshua gnawed his lower lip. “I was so confident when I rode over here. I was certain I could ask her, and she would say yes. Now I’m naerfich. Is that normal?”

  “Of course it is, son. It’s very normal. But I have a feeling she will say yes.” His father smiled. “You’ll do just fine. I guess we’ll be planning a wedding in the fall, ya?”

  “That’s a possibility. We’ll see what happens when I ask her.” Joshua stood. “I guess I better get home. I have work to do in the morning.”

  “You have a gut nacht.” His father winked at him. “I’m thrilled for you, Joshua. Your mamm will be too.”

  “Danki, Dat. Gut nacht.” Joshua headed back out to the buggy and looked up at the sky. He prayed Carolyn would say yes and his lonely house would finally become a home.
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  Barbie was climbing into bed when Eli came into the bedroom. She scowled at him. “I was wondering when you were going to come in from your shop.”

  “I had a visitor.” Eli began to take off his work clothes.

  “A visitor? Who would come and visit this late at night?” Barbie asked.

  “Your son.”

  “Joshua?” She sat up straight. “Why did he come by? Was iss letz?”

  “Nothing’s wrong. He had gut news.” He fished his pajamas from his bureau. “He’s in love.”

  She studied her husband. “What do you mean?”

  “He’s going to ask her to marry him.”

  “Who is he going to ask to marry him?” She knew the answer, but she asked the question anyway.

  “Carolyn Lapp.” Eli laughed as he pulled up his pajama pants.

  “I’ve never seen our bu so froh, Barbie. It’s a true blessing. He’s smitten. He asked me what to say when he asks her. I remember being that naerfich.”

  She forced a smile as disappointment built up inside of her. “That’s wunderbaar news.”

  Eli buttoned his pajama top and climbed into the bed beside her. “You’re going to get your prayers answered now. You’ll have more grandkinner to love.” He reached over and flipped off the lantern.

  “Ya, I will.” She smiled at Eli through the dark. “The Lord is gut.”

  “Ya, he is.” Eli kissed her cheek. “Gut nacht.”

  “Gut nacht.” Barbie stared at the ceiling while Eli snored loudly beside her. She needed to find a way to stop Carolyn from marrying Joshua. She didn’t know how, but she would find a way before it was too late.

  TWENTY

  Barbie was standing in line at the market the next day when she glanced behind her and spotted Sarah Ann Lapp. She paid for her groceries and then took her time putting her money back in her purse.

  “Barbie?” Sarah Ann came up behind her, just as Barbie hoped she would.

  “Oh, Sarah Ann!” Barbie feigned surprise. “Wie geht’s?”

  “I thought that was you.” Sarah Ann smiled as she pushed her grocery cart up to Barbie. “How are you doing?”

  “I’m fine.” Barbie moved her cart over to the wall so shoppers could walk past them. “How are you? How’s your family?”

  “We’re doing well.” Sarah Ann sidled up to her. “It’s been busy. Ben has enjoyed working at your son’s farm. That’s a wunderbaar opportunity for him.” She lowered her voice. “I think it was gut for him to get away from Robert and David. I love my kinner, but they were constantly getting Ben in trouble. It’s gut for him to work somewhere else.”

  “Oh really? I didn’t realize that.” Barbie suppressed a smile as she hoped Sarah Ann would spill some more family secrets. “Ben has had a hard time on your farm?”

  “Well, it hasn’t been all bad.” Sarah Ann smiled. “It’s just been difficult for Carolyn. She was so excited when Joshua hired Ben on permanently. Things have always been difficult for her given her situation.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that. Carolyn seems like such a strong maedel.” Barbie tried to look empathetic as she hoped Sarah Ann would keep talking.

  “I’m sure you already know she had Ben when she was very young. She was really a kind herself when she simply made a bad decision.” Sarah Ann gestured with her hands. “We’ve all just wanted the best for Benjamin. He’s a gut bu, and Carolyn has done a fantastic job raising him without a husband.”

  Barbie couldn’t stop her gasp. Benjamin is Carolyn’s son! Carolyn was a teenage mother! This was just the information she needed to stop Joshua from marrying her.

  Sarah Ann’s eyes widened. “You didn’t know Carolyn had Benjamin when she was sixteen?”

  Barbie shook her head and then smiled. “I didn’t know, but your secret is safe with me.”

  “It’s not really a secret, but I guess our church district is protective of her and Benjamin.” Sarah Ann spoke quickly. “We don’t really talk about it because everyone accepted Benjamin after he was born. Carolyn joined the church when she was seventeen, and she was forgiven. Her parents helped her raise Ben, and they’ve done a wonderful job.”

  “What happened to Benjamin’s father?” Barbie wanted to know everything.

  “He left the community before she found out she was pregnant.” Sarah Ann shook her head and frowned. “It was so bedauerlich. He really broke her heart. She won’t talk about him. I think she was certain she’d be alone the rest of her life because of that one mistake, but I told her that she’d find true love. I think she has. She’s really froh with your son. It’s so sweet how they met.”

  Barbie forced a smile. “Ya, it certainly is.”

  “I better let you go. I have to run to the farmers’ market next.” Sarah Ann pushed her grocery cart ahead. “It was gut seeing you.”

  “Ya, it was gut seeing you.” Barbie grinned as she pushed her cart behind Sarah Ann. She had the information she needed to stop Joshua from making the biggest mistake of his life. She couldn’t wait to tell him. Once he knew the truth about Carolyn, she could convince him that he needed to find someone else and not marry the woman who had a sordid past.

  Carolyn climbed the porch steps later that afternoon. Her feet were sore after cleaning an extra floor of rooms for Linda, who had called in sick today. She couldn’t wait to sit down and have a cup of coffee with her mother. She stepped into the kitchen and found Sarah Ann and her mother sitting at the table together.

  “Wie geht’s?” Carolyn kicked off her shoes and then turned around to see that her sister-in-law and mother were frowning. “What’s going on?”

  “Have a seat.” Mamm pulled the chair out beside her. “We need to talk.”

  Carolyn sat beside her mother and looked at Sarah Ann, who was wiping a tear from her cheek. “Sarah Ann, what happened?”

  “I think I did something wrong. I’m so sorry, Carolyn.” Sarah Ann sniffed. “I’m so sorry.”

  “I don’t understand.” Carolyn looked at her mother. “Please tell me what’s going on.”

  “Sarah Ann ran into Barbie Glick at the grocery store this afternoon.” Her mother’s voice was calm. “She talked to her for a few minutes, and Barbie asked how our family was doing.”

  “I started talking about Ben.” Sarah Ann’s voice was thin and shaky. “I told her how much he likes working at the farm.”

  Carolyn’s heart thudded in her chest and alarm caused the hair on the back of her neck to stand up. “What did you tell her?” She studied Sarah Ann.

  Mamm touched Carolyn’s shoulder, and she jumped with a start. “Sarah Ann didn’t know.”

  “What are you saying?” Carolyn’s voice rose as anguish overcame her. “What did you tell her, Sarah Ann?”

  “I mentioned that Ben was your son.” Sarah Ann wiped her cheeks with a napkin as more tears poured from her eyes. “I didn’t know that you hadn’t told Josh yet. Your mamm told me that you were going to tell him soon, and I assumed he already knew.”

  “Oh no.” Carolyn stood up and started for the door. “I have to go see him.” She pushed open the front door and found Ben and Amos standing near the porch.

  “Wait!” Sarah Ann rushed after her. “Carolyn, please. You have to forgive me. I thought Josh already knew. Then the more I thought about my conversation with Barbie . . . and then your mother and I talked about it . . . I’m so sorry.”

  “I’m not angry with you. This was bound to happen eventually.” Carolyn took a deep breath, hoping to calm her racing heart. “I was going to tell him, but it never seemed like the right time. Now Barbie is going to beat me to it. She’s going to tell Josh, and everything is going to fall apart.”

  “I thought he knew already,” Sarah Ann said again, pointing toward Benjamin, who was watching with his eyes full of confusion. “I thought maybe Ben had told him. I’m so sorry.”

  “Told Josh what?” Benjamin asked. “What did you want to tell Joshua?”

  “That you’re my son.” Carolyn sighed as s
he looked at him. “I haven’t told Josh the truth about you.”

  “It hasn’t really come up, so I haven’t mentioned it to him.” Benjamin shrugged.

  “I’m so sorry.” Sarah Ann’s voice was still thin. “I really thought Barbie knew, and I didn’t think it mattered.”

  “Stop apologizing.” Carolyn touched Sarah Ann’s arm and tried to calm her sister-in-law. “It will be okay.” Although she said the words, she didn’t think it was okay, or that it would ever be okay again.

  “Did you really believe you could keep it a secret forever, Carolyn?” Amos asked. “You knew this was going to happen eventually. Maybe Sarah Ann did you a favor. Now you don’t have to tell Joshua because his mamm will tell him for you.”

  Carolyn felt something inside her snap and white-hot fury seized her. “Amos, I’m tired of your comments about my life. You need to just stay out of my life and keep your unkind and judgmental criticisms to yourself. I’m doing just fine, and Ben is too. We don’t need you butting in and telling us how to run our lives.” She marched down the steps past him and headed toward Benjamin’s buggy.

  “Carolyn!” Mamm ran after her. “Wait.”

  Carolyn climbed into the buggy and took the reins. “Mamm, I have to go talk to Joshua. I know exactly what Barbie is going to do. She’s trying to keep us apart, and this is her perfect opportunity.”

  “Do you want me to go with you?” her mother offered.

  “No, danki. I have to do this myself.” She directed the horse to move forward.

  “Be careful!” Mamm yelled after her.

  Carolyn guided the horse toward the road while praying she could somehow beat Barbie to Joshua’s farm.

  Joshua stood at the stove and poured some macaroni and cheese from a pot into a bowl. He glanced at the clock on the wall and wondered if Carolyn was home from the hotel yet. He planned to eat supper and then head over to her house to visit with her this evening. And if he felt confident enough, he might just ask her to marry him. The idea caused his pulse to skitter. He couldn’t wait to hear her response, and he prayed it was positive.

  “Joshua, we need to talk.” Mamm appeared in the doorway wearing a deep frown.