Still Life (Forever Still #1)

by A. M. Johnson

  “I can’t understand, Sawyer, how you are so stupid when it comes to math?” he asked as he walked across to me.

  “I have a hard time Sir, it’s hard to understand it.” I swallowed the last bit of food and it felt like sand. I knew what was coming.

  “You know what’s hard to understand? How you even got into calculus then. Do I have to spend more money on another tutor? God help me son, but how can you be such an idiot when it comes to math. Maybe you’re not really my son. Should we ask your mother? Silvia get down here!” The spittle from his mouth sprayed my face as he yelled. I started to feel sick. I had to spare my mom.

  “D-Dad, I am the only one in my grade that is a-already in calculus. I just need some h-help.” I hated it when I stuttered and so did my dad. He grabbed my face and frowned. My mom hurried down the stairs.

  “Silvia? Is this really my son?” He pulled my face in her direction. “I mean how the hell is he so bad at everything? Really, the boy can’t even speak straight.” He dragged me from the chair, his large, strong fingers bruised the flesh of my cheeks. I whimpered in protest, earning a forceful backhand across my face. I slumped in defeat on my knees, submissive, always, for him.

  “Gavin please, you’re frightening him. D-did something happen at work today?” My mom’s body shook. I think she was trying to save me, but my dad growled and punched me so hard in my stomach that I fell over onto the carpet. I clutched at my gut. I couldn’t breathe I was choking on something. I couldn’t breathe. Acid filled my mouth and my dinner exploded from my throat. I had vomit on my face and shirt and it was all over the floor. My mom was no longer in the room. My dad was breathing heavily, his chest heaved with great effort.

  “You’re disgusting, clean it up.” My dad hissed and walked away.

  The show was about over and I now knew for a fact that this was Lizzie. She was the lead singer, the angel with a guitar on the stage. Her voice will haunt me I’m sure of it. The lights hit her face in such a way to make her look almost ethereal. The slow, low tone of her voice was earthy and breathy and made you think of sex, warm water, and brandy. I couldn’t stop the images of her in my brain. So, I just kept drinking. Hopefully, when the show was over, I could just say hi and hit the road. Maybe I could find some chick to bury myself in, to help with the thoughts I was having. Fuck! Who am I kidding, I am not that guy.

  She mentioned this was their last song. She said their band’s name was Unbridled. Todd never mentioned the name. It sort of hit a chord in me. Now more than ever I wanted to know this chick, know her pain, know the serious shit she has been through.

  I couldn’t help but stare at her while she sat at the bar. I thought if I hadn’t ever heard her voice I wouldn’t be so preoccupied. Let’s face it I’m no good for women. I knew what I came from. How do I know that one day that won’t be me? I couldn’t help but notice that she seemed sad. She sipped her wine, no expression on her face, nothing. She seemed cold compared to the person I saw on stage not twenty minutes ago. Todd’s laughter sounded off behind me. I’d probably be driving his car home for him tonight because he was knee deep in bar skank. I watched as he kissed the girl’s neck. He traced the contours of her exposed midriff. I swallowed back the bile as I was overcome with flashes of my childhood. I shook my head. He’s not my father.

  The bar floor stretched beneath my feet. I stormed quickly over to Todd as he was just about to slip is hand up this girl’s skirt.

  “What the hell? Can we go already?” I said. I grabbed the back of his searching arm. I was not about to sit here and watch this drunk douche bag friend of mine violate this girl in public.

  “Ease up, I was just getting ready to leave.” Todd winked at the girl. “I have to say bye to Lizzie first, can you take my car back bro? I’ve got plans with Sara.” He smiled and winked again at the girl.

  “Sure,” I said fighting off the urge to punch him. I knew I shouldn’t care, I just couldn’t imagine why guys thought it was okay to treat women like this. I guess what I really don’t understand was why these girls allowed it? I cringed at the thought of what happened to them as kids to create this coping strategy.

  “I’ll be in my car, Todd,” Sara said in a sultry voice. Todd gave her a huge grin and I almost really did punch him. I was about to give in and tell him what a dirt bag he was, but then he started walking over to her… to Lizzie.

  I watched him talk to her for a bit. I decided I just had to meet her. My pulse quickened as I walked toward them. I shoved into his shoulder, but I held back the real ire or he would have been laid out on the floor. I observed as Lizzie’s cold eyes grew bigger while she looked me up and down. I couldn’t imagine what stole the light out of her eyes. They were the deepest ocean blue I’d ever seen, but so still. I couldn’t read her at all. I offered her my hand and she took it and I felt a surge of energy run up my arm. Her hand was so little, I was terrified I would break it. For a moment, I thought she could’ve been flirting. I honestly couldn’t tell.

  “Nice to meet you, Elizabeth. Fantastic show. You have an amazing voice!” I gave a small smile. She made me nervous.

  Todd began to laugh about something. I felt a strong urge to shove him again. I could see that he irritated the shit out of Elizabeth and this made me want to laugh out loud. She tried to leave but, of course, he wouldn’t let her. She made a wise crack about Todd and it’s the first time I saw the still waters move within the depths of her eyes. I also noticed her noticing me. She stared at me while Todd rambled about how I was a SEAL. I hated talking about that. I’m not a person to be boastful, but Todd brought it up. Elizabeth seemed confused.

  “I was in the Navy, Navy SEAL to be more specific, you know Special Forces, that kind of thing. I was in for eight years.”

  She shifted on her stool that glimmer in her eyes getting bigger. Even though her tone showed boredom, I started to think that maybe she dug this war hero crap. I pushed the feeling of excitement down and matched her tone as we said goodbye. I watched as the light in her eyes died just as quickly as they had lit. As I walked out of the bar, I realized she never thanked me for telling her she had a nice voice.

  “Huh?” I said out loud to no one. For some reason, this made me smile. She knew she had a good voice. She knew that she could captivate an audience with one note. She knew the hold she had on the crowd. I suddenly felt like I’d missed out on the joke. Todd had one thing right… Elizabeth was complicated.

  “So, tell me about your parents.”

  Teri, my therapist, was twirling her pencil in her hand. My weekly therapy appointment at the VA couldn’t have come at a worst time. I’d just quit the swim team and I didn’t feel like explaining myself to the government shrink. I’d basically decided I was too old for team sports. I’d be turning twenty-seven this week, not to mention I absolutely hated the guys on the team. All except Todd, but at times him too. I was hoping the team would help me readjust to civilian life. I felt like joining the team could help me grow bonds to my new life. I was wrong. I knew deep down it was just the front I was so good at projecting. The front I needed to create so I could breathe.

  “Sawyer, where did you just go?”

  “Mm?” I slowly pulled my gaze away from her hands. “Sorry, I was just thinking about this past week, I guess I should tell you that I quit the team.”

  “Really, why?” Teri’s brows pulled inward with concern.

  “I guess I wasn’t into date rape.”

  “Sawyer, can you please be serious? I was hoping the team could help you… assimilate back into civilian life.”

  “I just didn’t fit in. I’m too old for that shit, Teri. Those guys, they’re all just starting out. They have nothing to offer me. They’re douche bags.” I smirked.

  She pursed her lips. “What about this roommate, Todd isn’t it? How’s your relationship with him?” Teri started to swirl that damn pencil again.

  “Look, everything is fine, okay? Todd and I are good. My schedule is good. I’ll just do my workouts at the
gym. I can run at home and swim when I can. I don’t need a team to help me assimilate back into the real world. Teri, I’m a grown ass man,” I spat out and then clenched my jaw.

  I had it under control. My life as a SEAL was the least of my problems. I was screwed up way before then. I was raised in Seattle by Gavin and Silvia Bryant. We lived in a two and half million dollar home. My father owned the very lucrative company, Bryant Communications. My dad wasn’t always abusive. I remember him originally being a supportive father. This, of course, being before he hit it big. I was six when my dad made his first million. I’m not sure, but I think he sold himself to Satan that year. He became money hungry, kept mistresses. My mother tried so hard to be the wife that he needed her to be. The first time he hit me, I was seven. I think he decided to take out his frustrations on me. I was never good enough. According to him, I never tried hard enough at anything that I did.

  At first, it was hard for me to cope. I developed a stutter and struggled in school. My inadequacies only made it worse. By age ten, I knew what I had to do to keep him appeased. My mom had me go to speech therapy, expensive tutors were at my house every day. Eventually, I spoke just fine, made straight A’s and excelled in sports. Still, nothing I did was good enough. The physical abuse was endless. When I caught him with women at our home, those were the worst nights. He would beat me silent. As if my mother didn’t know.

  I was expected to go straight to college and groom myself for Gavin’s company. I knew that was not my path. I still excelled my senior year, but I threw my focus into my body. I built it up. I was a machine. I knew I wanted out and the military was the only way I could go my own way without his money. As I got taller and bigger, the physical abuse stopped. He traded me in for my mother. I wasn’t home a lot, but when I was he tried to cut me down with words but I’d mastered the art of indifference. I knew I was almost out. Part of me wanted to stay and protect my mother, however, the other part of me resented her for never helping me. I still have the last days embedded into my memory.

  “Sawyer!” My father’s voice boomed through the foyer.

  “Yeah?” I descended the stairs with a scowl. I knew what this was about.

  “I just got word from Mr. Pike that you haven’t applied to any Universities? Is this true?” My father’s fist was clenched.

  “Just leave it for one night Gavin, please!” My mother slurred as she entered the living room. Her scotch in hand. Her coping mechanism.

  My father grabbed her by the neck and shoved her to her knees, her glass crashing to the floor. She cried out in pain. I don’t know if it was her cry or just the years of pent-up aggression, but I snapped. I threw a punch at my father for the first time, all six foot three inches and two hundred and twenty pounds of me powered behind my fist. My father flew backward and fell to the floor. He was a big guy as well, six foot two, but his age showed. His love for whiskey had weakened his body over time.

  “Don’t touch her! I hate you, you son of a bitch!” I stooped down and spat in his face. My father moved to his feet. He wiped my spit off his face and grinned.

  “You can yell all you want son, but you know I own you. I own your future! You are nothing without me. Don’t you forget that! I made you,” my father snarled.

  “You don’t own me, you can keep everything, I don’t want it. I’m leaving. Tomorrow, I ship out. I joined the Navy, Dad. I’m going to be a SEAL. I’m going to help the world. You don’t own me anymore. You do have one thing right, you did make me, and you made me a tough son of a bitch. Touch me again and I’ll hand you your fucking tongue!” I ran upstairs, grabbed my pack and headed for the front door.

  “Sawyer… wait!” My mother was crying, she grabbed my arm as I opened the door. My father was nowhere to be seen. “Wait…” She was breathless. I noticed a faint black and blue mark starting on her cheekbone.

  “Mom, I have to do this. You never helped me, Mom, never. I can’t stay here anymore.” My anger subsided as she cast her eyes down. My eyes filling with faithless tears.

  “Go… just… I love you, Sawyer. Please… take care—”

  I cut her off. “I always did, Mom, I always did.” I didn’t look back as I drove away.

  Teri was staring at me, the pencil coming to an abrupt stop. “Sawyer, I know you think you’re okay, but you’ve been through a lot.” She looked at me, her eyes were full of pity. I fucking hated that look. “Okay, so you left the team, what’s done is done. Let’s talk about your parents. How do you feel now that they live in Salt Lake? Do they even know you’re here?”

  I sighed, “I couldn’t care less that they live here. I’m pretty sure my dad’s financial guy, Mr. Pike, has informed them that I’m here.”

  “You don’t think you should talk to them yourself?”

  “I don’t know Teri, why don’t you tell me what the hell to do? Then we can move on from this topic.” I clenched my jaw, my palm fisting into my pocket as I stood.

  “Sawyer, please sit down. We still have a few minutes.” Teri gestured to the seat. A small smile, a peace offering showed on her face.

  “I don’t want to talk about my parents today.”

  “You never talk about your parents, Sawyer. I think that is the root issue here.” Teri picked up her pad and started writing on it.

  The root issue? That was an understatement. I laughed out loud at her comment.

  “What?” Teri smirked. Her face was actually very attractive. She was average in height, but she had such a nice body. I sometimes had a hard time concentrating when she wore something too low cut. I hate being a guy sometimes.

  “You know, if you weren’t my therapist I’d ask you out.” I smiled at the blush that formed over her cheeks.

  “Don’t be inappropriate, and don’t try to hide behind humor. Besides we know very well that I’m married and I don’t find you the least bit attractive.”

  I laughed aloud again. “Oh Teri, you know this is why I like you. You don’t hold back.” I stood to leave, Teri stood and walked me to the door.

  “Listen, next week I want to talk about your parents. Be prepared.”

  I don’t think I’ll ever be prepared to talk about my parents. I just smiled and nodded, maybe one day. I walked down the hall toward the front of the building. I was lost in thought. Everything about my life had such rough edges. I was so sick of always being guarded and hard. I was walking past the art therapy room when I saw Elizabeth. I hadn’t seen her since the show last month. Why was she at the VA? I knocked on the door jamb to announce myself. She was laughing freely. She looked so beautiful, the power of that moment, that small lapse in time when I witnessed her totally carefree would be embedded in my mind. She smiled up at me and then recognition crossed her blue eyes.

  “Hey Sawyer, right? Todd’s roomie?” she asked with a small, shy smile.

  “Yeah, Elizabeth if I remember, right? Why are you here?” My question came out more severe than I’d meant it to and I regretted it instantly. Her smile faltered.

  “Oh, I volunteer here. Why are you here?” she asked without real interest.

  “Therapy. Oh you know, after serving in the military you’re all screwed up.” I smiled and continued trying to get her to smile back. “That’s really cool that you volunteer here? You an art major or something?”

  “Or something.” Her blue eyes turned dark.

  “Um, okay. Well, it was nice to see you again.”

  “You too.” She started to turn away to talk with the art class.

  “Wait, um… so Todd and I are going out this week for my birthday. You should come.” I smiled my best smile in hopes I could break the awkward feeling that surrounded us.

  “Sure, if I’m not busy. What day?”

  “Wednesday. We’re meeting up at The Trap at ten. I hope you can make it. I’m turning the big two-seven.” I chuckled at my stupid joke. She grinned in return.

  “Wow, you’re an old man!” She laughed.

  “So can you make it?” I persisted.
<
br />   “We’ll see.”

  “All right then, hope to see you there.” I nodded my chin in her direction and walked out toward the hallway. I couldn’t believe I’d invited her. What the hell was I doing?

  The water slowly trickled down my back, the warmth of it soaked deeply into my bones. My run was long today. Normally I just ran a few miles, but today was the anniversary of my parents’ death. I ran all the way up waterfall canyon and all the way down. The late October weather sank deep into my muscles. October 25th, 2002 would forever be the worst day of my life.

  I grew up out in the country. My father had inherited his family’s farm in West Haven. It was North West of Salt Lake and the big city life. I enjoyed living in the country. It was quiet and simple like me.

  Todd, Cam and I were playing that day, I can still smell the grass and leaves. I went over to Todd’s early because his momma wanted help bagging the fallen leaves. I had arrived at his house at 9:30 a.m. Todd and I with his younger brother’s help had bagged ten whole bags before Cam showed up. After all the hard work, Todd’s mom fed us lunch. I remembered thinking how normal life was, how simple and quiet. Cam made jokes about how I’d started crushing on some kid from class, Todd scowled and shoved Cam in the arm. I can still hear our giggling like it was yesterday. I was ten-years-old when my daddy killed himself and my mom took her own life right after.

  The water from the shower ran cold. I quickly got myself dressed in my warmest pajamas and settled on the couch of my apartment. Tonight Todd was taking his friend Sawyer out for his birthday. Sawyer had invited me himself, when he ran into me while I was volunteering at the VA one day. I had no intention of going. I felt guilty giving the guy hope though. He seemed genuinely nice. In fact, he is downright gorgeous and if I’m being honest with myself, I hadn’t stopped thinking about him since the night of the show. I gave myself a silent smirk. It was such a nice surprise to see him at the VA. I wish I could’ve for once said, “Yes,” to someone.