“I love you so much and I can’t hurt you like this. My love for you is as a friend. We need to move past this.” My eyes started to fill with tears.
“Damn it, Liz!” Todd shouted and punched the pillow beside my head. I gasped as he practically launched himself from over my body to a standing position. His face was red and contorted, his breathing uneven. “YOU can’t do THIS!” He emphasized the words ‘you’ and ‘this’ and gritted his teeth, his brown eyes churned with disgust.
“Todd, please…”
“No way, Liz. I can’t do this anymore. I feel like we just tread water. I drown myself in fucking useless chicks wishing it was you. I know it’s wrong, but it makes me feel needed. I’ve always been there for you, always! What is it about me that you can’t love?” his voice broke on the last few words.
I stood and put my hands on his face. “Look at me, you are so important to me, and I love you so much, but I need you more like a friend. It just feels wrong when I’m with you. I’ve known you so long and I guess I let the lines blur. But every time, I feel so much guilt because I know you deserve better than me. I can’t give you my whole heart. You need someone who can.” I started to cry and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was losing my best friend.
“You’re right, Lizzie.” He took my hands from his face and stared at me for a minute. “I need some air.” He grabbed his shirt and walked out of his bedroom door. I fell onto the bed and cried harder than I’d cried in a very long time.
He must have slept on the couch. Why the hell is he playing the music so loud? He must still be hurting. I got out of the bed and threw on one of his shirts. I went into his bathroom and brushed my teeth and combed out my hair. As I looked at myself in the mirror, a huge wave of guilt swarmed over me. I’m such a shitty friend. I needed to face him. I could hear one of my favorite songs blaring on the stereo out in the living room. I hesitated by his door listening to the familiar words of Capsized by Samiam. The song finished as I started to lose the courage to go through the door, but I knew I had to.
Shake it Out by Manchester Orchestra started to play as I opened the door. I was halfway down the hall to the living room when I was shocked into a dead stop. Sawyer was running on the treadmill, his back toward me. A small gasp escaped my mouth. He was only wearing shorts and his broad back was tan and tensed with stunning sinew. Sweat trickled down his spine drawing my attention to the tattoo he had directly on his spinal column. It was one word, ‘Unbroken.’ It was written in a masculine but artful script. I had an overwhelming urge to touch it. I felt as though I was gaining a secret from him by seeing his ink out in the open. I watched him run. His body and form like a machine. He seemed unstoppable. Something inside me, low in my belly, started to slow burn. He was all endurance.
I knew he was attractive, his face had sharp angles and a deliciously strong jawline. I had no idea however that I’d be so strongly drawn to it. I stood quietly and watched. I couldn’t help myself. The treadmill started to slow. I let out a sigh. I was about to walk back down the hall when the treadmill came to a stop and he abruptly turned and saw me. I just stood like a kid caught with her hand in the candy drawer. I’m a lover of the male form, backs especially, but I in no way was prepared for the perfectness of this man’s core. My earlier assessment that he was a ‘man’s man’ was right on point. His eight pack was flawless.
“You like what you see?” Sawyer grinned and wiped his face with a towel. He walked languidly over to his MP3 player and turned down the volume.
“Um, aren’t you cocksure?” I grinned right back. As he chuckled, I noticed another tattoo low on his right abdomen, at the beginning of that muscular V. I wouldn’t have been able to read it if his shorts weren’t riding so precariously low. I walked into the living room, thoroughly caught, to read the ink.
“Uncompromising integrity is my standard. My character and honor are steadfast. My word is my bond,” the words a whisper on my lips.
Sawyer’s face went somber. “It’s a quote from the SEAL Code, a warrior creed.”
“Is it true?” I asked, my voice more breathy than it should be.
“Always,” he said in a deep voice. He looked down at my bare legs and I watched as his eyes drank me in.
“You like what you see?’ I smirked.
“Always,” he said, his eyes like a predator.
The atmosphere in the living room was tense. Elizabeth stood there in just a T-shirt. I couldn’t help myself so I licked my lips. I was about to speak when the front door flew open. Todd was struggling with grocery bags.
“Um, can I get some help, please?” Todd started to laugh. I rushed over to grab some things from his hands, Elizabeth right behind me. She looked absolutely worried. I had no idea what had changed her mood.
“Hey, baby girl. Nice shirt.” Todd winked.
“Uh… hey… So, where did you go last night?” Elizabeth helped unload the bags onto the counter.
Todd looked up from the bottom cabinets while he put away his purchases. “I had to get some air, remember? I went to see Emma and I stayed at her place. That okay with you?” Todd said with a smirk.
“You know it is, don’t be a dick.” Elizabeth punched him in the chest. Todd smiled hugely, stood and pulled her in for a bear hug.
“Look, I’m sorry. I know I expect too much from you. I love you, Lizzie bean. Friends okay? Just friends, I promise,” he whispered and then kissed her head. I couldn’t help but feel awkward, but at the same time relieved. I guess last night was not what I’d thought it’d been, after all.
I cleared my throat loudly. “So, did you get that protein builder shake I put on the list, bro?” I asked while I watched Liz mouth the words, ‘thank you’ to Todd.
“Aw man, I forgot, I’m so sorry. I… just kidding. Here it is.” He laughed hard at his own joke as he shoved the plastic container at my face.
“You’re such a douche,” I replied while I play slapped him in the face.
“What the—” Todd broke off mid-sentence as I tackled him. We were wrestling like twelve-year-olds in the kitchen. I heard Liz laughing.
“You guys are crazy, I’m going to get—”
I dropped Todd and grabbed Liz by the waist and threw her into the fireman hold. Todd laughed enthusiastically as she struggled. Liz squealed so loud in my ear I almost released her. She started kicking and smacking my back, but I just couldn’t resist the urge to tickle her. I took a detour to the couch and dumped her unceremoniously onto the soft cushions. She was all giggles and screams begging me to stop tickling her. It was then I noticed her long shirt that she’d obviously borrowed from Todd, had ridden up exposing her lean, yet ample thighs and black bikini panties. I stilled.
“Oh my gosh, I can’t breathe.” She laughed as she tried to catch her breath. She took in my expression. I watched as her gaze followed down my arms and to my hands that were holding her tiny waist. Fuck, she was all curves and hourglass, and I felt myself awaken. We locked eyes for a moment.
“Damn,” she whispered almost inaudibly. She bit down on her plump bottom lip. I let go of her waist immediately. It was apparent, to hopefully only me, I needed a cold shower as soon as possible.
“Go get dressed,” I growled.
She cocked her right eyebrow at me. “Say please,” she whispered only for me to hear.
I could hear Todd putting away groceries. I leaned toward her and her lips parted. I traced her bottom lip with my thumb as I placed my hand under her chin making direct eye contact.
“Please, Elizabeth.” She gulped as I released her gaze. I walked away toward the bathroom. There was no doubt I was definitely going to need a cold shower.
Holy crap! What the hell was that? I watched as Sawyer walked away toward the bathroom, his fine body disappearing behind the door. Does he like me? There’s no way a guy like him would be attracted to me. I get nerdy, gamer, musician types knocking on my door. The closest I ever got to the jock type was Todd. His friends never even looked my way, like e
ver. I sat up on the sofa stunned. He definitely likes me. It wasn’t hard to tell by the way he looked at me. I felt as if he wanted to eat me for lunch.
I stood up and headed for Todd’s room. I pulled on my dress from the night before and slipped on my shoes. Sitting on the edge of his bed I was smiling like an idiot. I placed my fingers on my bottom lip, following the line that he drew with his thumb. I could still feel his large warm hands surrounding my waist. I was completely physically attracted to this guy, unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. Obviously, I didn’t know a thing about him other than I knew he was a SEAL. I researched online what a Navy SEAL was after I first met him. I discovered that they were severe warriors who carried out some seriously scary missions that no other branch would do. He seemed so confident and secure in who he was. I wouldn’t mind if I had to learn more about him. I smiled again.
The door to the bedroom opened and Todd strolled in carrying the toiletries he’d bought today. He was so metro in the types of things he liked.
“Hey you,” I beamed.
He set down his things and turned slowly to look at me. His movements looked mechanical and rigid. His easy-going demeanor… gone.
“Hey… look I’m really sorry about how pissed I got last night. I was pretty wasted. Spare me the lecture on how people are truthful when they’re wasted. I know. I was being truthful.” He looked down at his hands. “The thing is Lizzie, I may need some space. Just till I can sort through my head.”
“Of course, anything you need. So, Emma Dawson, huh?” My lips perked to the side in a small grin.
“Yeah, I know. Nothing happened as usual, still the virginal queen we’ve known and loved since high school. She gets me though, kind of like you.” He looked at me with a small twinkle in his eye.
“Maybe you could expend some real energy there while we’re having our space. My love, I just want you to be happy. You’ve always wanted her. Go get her. Stop selling yourself short on me. M’kay?”
“Aw Lizzie, any guy would give his right nut for you—”
“Just his right? I’m offended,” I snickered.
“You know what I mean. Stop talking shit like that. You are one hundred percent beautiful and perfect. Just look in the damn mirror, okay?”
“Okay.” I stood and walked over to him and gave him a huge hug. I placed a small kiss on his cheek. “I got to go. Can you give me a ride home?”
“Sure, sure. By the way, I leave tonight for a swim meet up north. I’ll be gone for two days. I’m glad to have some time to think about shit.”
“Oh, you guys will be gone for two days? Want me to come feed the fish?”
“Fish? Liz, those have been dead for weeks.” He laughed. “Actually, Sawyer quit the team. So he’ll be home.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. He didn’t relate well with the guys I guess. He’s pretty closed off most of the time. I’m guessing he’s seen some pretty bad stuff overseas and he won’t ever talk about his parents. I think he needed to work stuff out. I like him though. He puts up with my shit.”
I smiled. “Well, you’re just so easy to love.” I mussed his hair with my hand. “I don’t know, he seems really nice. I think he’s a keeper.” I knew it was silly, but I’d felt a spark with Sawyer.
“Do you now?” Todd’s brown eyes narrowed. “Walk careful with that one Lizzie, he may have a crazier past than you. Two crazies don’t make a right.”
“Seriously, you’re such an asshole. I’m not crazy.” I barked.
“I’m just kidding,” he said with a forced smile. “But in all seriousness, be careful, okay?”
“Right, yeah.”
That day I needed to focus. I really needed to study. I had a test tomorrow in math and I really suck at math. If I could just get past this test, I could relax for the weekend. I finished my Ramen noodles and pulled out my books. I wanted to be a recreation therapist. After my parents had died, I concentrated so much on the why and the ‘what if’ that I almost didn’t see the solution right in front of me. I wanted to help people like my parents. I wanted to be the instrumentation in preventing at least one suicide, just one. I wanted to give people time. I’ve been blessed with artistic talent, so I chose to use that skill to my advantage.
I realized much later that my family was broken. So much so, our farm was about to be foreclosed. My dad was such a proud man. I think he felt like he was doing us a favor. He had taken out considerable life insurance policies, but I don’t think he bet on my mom following him into the dark. I was, and I still am, angry. My life never truly recovered after that day. Deep down, I knew my parents loved me and sometimes I still felt that love, in my memories of the good times. But, that’s all I had, the memories, and at times I felt consumed only by the bad one, the one memory of that day. I felt as if I was barely staying afloat. Because of this one selfish act I was constantly treading water. It’s not noble to kill yourself, it’s not brave. The damage that’s left behind is catastrophic. I just hope that by graduating with this degree I can help people. One less abandoned child in the world and all that.
I was just about to write the last sentence of my final assignment when my phone went off.
Cam: So, what happened last night with Todd? I texted him, didn’t get an answer.
Me: Oh, you know, same ole.
Cam: Professed his love again?
Me: Yeah, but we worked it out. He needs his space. He saw Emma Dawson… Can we say, hopeful?
Cam: I know right! Whatcha up to?
Me: Homework biatch, you?
Cam: Same. Well glad all is ok. I was worried. Just cuz I’m with Barry, you guys don’t need to leave me out of the loop!
I thought for a moment about maybe telling her about Sawyer.
Me: What do you think about Sawyer?
Cam: Um, delicious! Why?
Me: Well, meet me for coffee tomorrow at Campus Brews. We need to talk.
Cam: WHAT? 10 am sharp, be there chic or I’ll cut ya!
She made me laugh. I finished up the last touches to my assignment. It was only 9:00 p.m. and I wasn’t at all tired. I decided to take a long hot soak and shower. I shaved every surface of my body and then coated myself in my favorite white gardenia lotion. I pulled on my pale green pajama pants and long sleeve faded grey shirt. I was settling in for a movie night. I’d just started watching ‘Pride and Prejudice’ when there was a knock on my door. I jumped. Who could it be? It was almost eleven for crying out loud! I looked through the peep hole. Sawyer?
I opened the door and smiled raising an eyebrow at him. “Um, hello there.” I held the door open with my hand.
“Hi, may I come in?”
“Ahh, sure? Why are you here?” I said a bit too brusquely.
“Oh, sorry, Todd gave me your address. You left your watch over at our place and he asked if I could bring it by,” he laughed nervously. “Plus, I wanted to check in on you. You left without saying goodbye. I was worried.”
I gestured for him to come in. He’d said, ‘I was worried,’ didn’t he?
“Why were you worried?” I asked as I sat down on the sofa and he followed by sitting down on the chair next to the fire place.
“I wasn’t so much worried, as I just wanted to see you again. I probably should have called?” he confessed with a coy grin.
An enormous smile broke across my face at his words. I was really starting to like this Sawyer character. I watched as a brilliant smile spread from corner to corner of his mouth. He looked very masculine. He had just a bit of scruff, a little more than a five o’clock shadow growing on his chin. He wore a fitted dark blue long sleeve shirt. It was taut in all the right places. His jeans were well worn but clean. He always wore, I noticed then, the standard issue military boots that just added to his ruggedly handsome exterior. I glanced up at his green eyes, they were bottomless pools of warmth. He held my stare. Just as the electricity in the room started to ignite he spoke again.
“I hope I’m not intruding?”
“Mmm…” I had to purposely pull my eyes away from his.
“I was just saying, I feel like maybe I should’ve called, not just dropped in. Am I interrupting you?” He looked worried.
“Oh! Oh no, no, don’t worry. I was just about to watch ‘Pride and Prejudice.’ You know the girly standard,” I snickered.
“You know, I always preferred Colonel Brandon to Mr. Darcy,” he said with a lopsided grin.
I laughed nervously, trying to ignore the fact that it was a total turn on that he knew about literature. “Wait, you know ‘Pride and Prejudice’ and ‘Sense and Sensibility?’”
It was his turn to laugh nervously. “Of course, there’re pretty typical reads in high school.”
“Not my high school.”
“Oh.” He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
Oh! Had I hit a nerve? “Where did you go to school?” I asked.
“I grew up near Seattle. I went to a private school up there,” he said with a serious expression.
“Oh, fancy, I see. That explains the high standard of Jane Austen.” I laughed trying to gain back some of his good humor.
“Private schools are overrated,” he said in a tone that finalized that topic. “So, you grew up here? Todd said you guys have known each other since you were little.”
Now it was my turn to feel uncomfortable. “Yup, born and raised, except we lived further west. I grew up on a farm…” I paused, I had this deep feeling in my stomach that I wanted to just put my past out there. I saw something in his eyes that made me feel like I could trust that piece of myself with him. I know it seemed cheesy or cliché, but I felt like in order for me to ever really move on, I needed to trust myself with someone other than Todd and Cameron. My eyes started to water with this realization. Damn tears! I tried to continue, “I… actually lived with Todd and his family. I… I lost… my parents… when I was ten,” I blurted the last part out a little quicker. Sawyer’s eyes opened wide with concern, which then opened the damn flood gates to my tears and I started to cry like an idiot. This poor guy was going to think I was a nut job for sure.
Still Life (Forever Still #1) Page 5
