“Elizabeth, I’m so sorry.” He moved from the chair and sat next to me on the sofa. He put his arm around my lower back and pulled me to his side. He rubbed small soothing circles into my back.
“It’s okay,” I sniffed and my mind wandered back to that moment, to that fateful day…
I saw the dark grey sky, felt the dampness invade my body. I saw the broken down ranch rail fence and that lonely white barn house from my childhood. I walked toward the wooden fence, felt the rough wood beneath my palm. “Ow!” I looked down a small spot of red blood pooling to the surface of my skin. I pulled the splinter out. I heard it then. The sound of breaking glass, my mother’s shrill scream. I was running, running across the land, the large farm property burning beneath my feet. My lungs filled with ache, fear engulfed me. I was running, trembling. I couldn’t think, all I could do was run. I got to the porch and I stumbled on the steps. My stomach turned, I couldn’t catch my breath. I pulled myself up the steps. My front door was wide open. I heard my mother sobbing.
“Momma?” I called through my ragged breathing, “Momma!” I screamed as I walked through the front room. I smelled a weird burning odor that was slightly metallic. My stomach dropped again. I heard my mother moaning and screaming in the kitchen. I ran to her. I heard her shriek again. I saw glass on the floor. I was so afraid. “Momma?” I whispered. I came around the corner and I saw my mother with a gun in her mouth. “NO!” I screamed and ran to her. It was too late. A loud pop sounded off and blood and grey stickiness coated the wall. “MOMMA!” I started to sob. I saw her body fall limp and settle across my daddy’s still form. He lies in thick brownish red fluid. I saw his lifeless eyes looking into mine. I vomited on the floor. I choked back the continuing bile as my voice rose in a blood-curdling cry…
“Elizabeth? Lizzie?” Sawyer questioned, his voice breaking my reverie. “You okay?”
My tears were subsiding, but I realized my breaths were more like sobs.
“Oh gosh Sawyer, I’m so sorry. I just get so freaked when I think about it too much. I haven’t let myself go there in so long.”
“Go where?” He looked at me, his brows creased downward.
“My parents… they killed themselves.” Sawyer’s movements stilled. “My dad shot himself and when my mother found him, she couldn’t bare it, so she killed herself too. I lost everything. Todd’s parents took me in because I had no family. That day I became truly alone. This past Wednesday, your birthday actually, was the anniversary of their deaths.” I started to cry again, my tears now flowing at full speed. “I’m such an idiot. I can’t believe I just lost it in front of you. I haven’t really let myself go into the memory for so long. See the problem is, besides the screwed up fact that my parents both voluntarily left me behind, is the fact that I got to watch my mother do it.”
Sawyer pulled me closer, so tight I almost couldn’t breathe. Placing two fingers under my chin he said, “Look at me. I’m so sorry I brought it up. I feel like a class A asshole. I had no idea. I feel—”
I cut him off. “Stop, please don’t worry. It’s part of who I am. I’m really trying to move on. I feel bad that I dropped that giant bombshell of crazy on you. I’ve known you for like five seconds and I’m like bombs away!” I laughed bitterly.
“Please don’t even worry about that, we all have our crazy, believe me.” Sawyer wiped away my tears with the pads of his thumbs.
“I normally don’t tell people. I just had this strange feeling I could trust you with my secret. Now that’s just irrational, right?” I looked up into his dark green eyes. He cradled my face between his strong palms. His emerald eyes searched mine for what seemed like an eternity before he spoke again. Our faces were inches apart, and as he spoke I felt his minty breath against my lips.
“I like that you felt like you could trust me. Elizabeth, never feel foolish for trusting yourself. I wish that you’d never had to deal with such a tragedy. But your past well, it makes you who you are. What I see in you, in this short time of knowing you is strength, and from where I’m sitting it suits you just fine.” He smiled his rare full smile as he continued to look deep into my eyes.
“Thank you,” I whispered. He moved toward me infinitesimally. I exhaled a small breath as I watched his pupils dilate. His left hand fell smoothly down my neck leaving goose bumps along the sensitive skin. He drew his right thumb across my bottom lip. The sensation of his callused skin against mine caused me to let out a small sigh. Heat burst against my cheeks and burned low all the way down my body.
He took that moment to be sure I wasn’t going to pull away. In that second, I placed my hand on the back of his neck and tangled my fingers into his hair. He gently pressed his warm mouth against mine. He kissed my upper lip first and then my bottom. I delicately bit at his full lower lip. He groaned and his kiss became rough and I let his tongue mingle with mine. We kissed like we never needed air and he drank me in like I was his salvation. He pulled away and looked at me with such need. I would’ve given him anything in that moment.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered so softly that I might not have heard it.
I slowly pulled away from her.
I think the words I just said aloud. I am sorry.
I couldn’t do this. I gazed at her mouth, it was beautiful, soft and sumptuous. I wanted to kiss her again, consume her. I couldn’t do this.
“You’re sorry?” Elizabeth whispered. She was staring at my mouth now.
“I should go, I shouldn’t have done that. I’m—”
“No, don’t say sorry, regret is so not worth it.” She smiled then, but it didn’t reach her eyes. It was the fakest expression I’d ever seen her give. It was my fault she looked so sad right now. She stood up and walked to the front door, but I couldn’t seem to stand. I had to fix this. For some reason, I didn’t want to lose her. I stood and went to her. She was looking down at the ground. I lifted her chin with my finger, she looked me straight in the eyes.
“I don’t do regret, Sawyer. Life is too damn short. I sure as hell don’t want to be anyone’s regret.” Her eyes never left mine.
“I don’t regret it, that’s probably the best kiss I’ve ever had. I just… I just… I’m very complicated,” I stammered out the last part because I couldn’t believe the smile that had broken across her face. “What?” I asked with a small smile.
“The best, huh?” she chuckled. “I can deal with complicated. Don’t try to make decisions for me. Number one rule of being my friend, I know what I want. I’m a big girl, Sawyer, and I can handle myself.”
I touched her bottom lip with my finger again. I wanted to memorize how it felt. I could make decisions too and I knew I was all wrong for her. She’d suffered enough. I felt so selfish. My life sucked. I’d witnessed death and had my spirit broken one too many times. How could I help her, when I couldn’t even help myself? I couldn’t give her what she deserved. I realized I was staring at her mouth again. I released her chin and brought my hand down her neck, her arm, and fitted my hand around her hip. I needed to leave now because I couldn’t let this attraction pull me in the wrong direction.
“I won’t make decisions for you, but I can offer some pretty good advice. You shouldn’t want this. I will only ever disappoint you.” I pulled away from her, defeated. I opened the door to leave and just as I was in the frame of the doorway she grabbed my hand.
“Thanks for the advice, but I should warn you as well, I don’t listen to nonsense,” she said coolly. I just shook my head, my face emotionless. “Look Sawyer, just call me, okay? We can be friends, right? You live with my best friend, you can’t be that bad if you put up with his crap,” she laughed. I couldn’t help myself, I did as well.
“Give me your phone,” I said. She reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone. She looked confused and handed it to me. I quickly added myself to her contacts. “I just gave you my number, call me if you want to. It’s your choice.”
I turned and didn’t look back as I headed down the stairs
.
My thoughts swirled in my head. I could still taste her on my lips. I could still feel her teeth against my bottom lip. I was doomed. As I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling, I couldn’t stop replaying that kiss in my head. I looked over at the clock, it was 3:30 a.m. I had class in the morning and I needed sleep. I closed my eyes again in an attempt to find peace. I startled when my phone beeped.
Elizabeth: What’s your favorite color?
Me: Seriously?
Elizabeth: =)
Me: Blue. You?
Like your eyes, I thought but didn’t type it.
Elizabeth: Green. I can sleep now knowing that bit of information. ;)
Me: You’re weird…
Elizabeth: Goodnight you.
Me: Goodnight.
I shut my phone, thinking could she be any more random? I smiled at myself and fell fast asleep with her bright blue eyes in my mind.
I walked into the crowded coffee shop. The building was overly warm due to all the students rushing for their morning brew. Running late as usual, I looked around for Cam. She was in our usual spot and waved at me, then held up a cup of coffee she must’ve purchased for me. She is sent from the Gods! I didn’t want to wait in that long line.
“Hey girl, thanks so much.” Smiling, I took my coffee from her hand and had a seat. She giggled like a little kid. Cam was incredibly beautiful, she had bright strawberry blonde hair that was long and thick and today she wore it down in long soft waves. She was super tall for a girl, five foot eight, and had a body that any guy would die for. In high school she was lanky, it was amazing to watch her grow into the woman she is now. Those boys that picked on her, well they just probably cry themselves to sleep now. Cameron has always been there for me, she was basically my sister.
“So spill the beans… Sawyer?” Cam said while taking a sip of coffee.
“He kissed me,” Cam’s eyes bugged out and she practically spit coffee all over the table. I decided to continue, “Last night, he just randomly shows up at my house to drop off a watch, I apparently couldn’t live without, and says, ‘he’s worried about me.’ For some reason, I felt compelled to tell him about my parents. I get all crazy emotional and he kisses me, then freaks about how he shouldn’t have. I pretty much just said deal with it, don’t regret it.” I exhaled a breath.
“Shut the front door! Holy shit! He kissed you?” Cam about squealed.
“Oh my gosh, calm down. Did you hear what else I said?” I asked incredulously.
“Yes, I am… speechless, speechless. Todd is going to flip the fuck out!” Cam’s grin spread even wider.
“Oh crap… Todd.”
“Yes Todd. You better tell him, and you better tell him soon.” She sipped her coffee.
“I will, as soon as he’s back from his meet. He comes back late Saturday I think.” I took a taste of my coffee and watched as Cam settled down.
“So, was it amazing?”
“Best kiss ever, Cam. Seriously, I wanted to devour him.” A huge smile plastered on my face as Cam’s eyes bugged out again.
“Hell, I want to devour him, and that girl over there would too, I’m sure. You lucky bitch.” Cam’s mischievous grin made me laugh out loud.
I looked down at my watch. “Oh hell, I gotta go, math test. By the way, I’m going to ask him to hang out tonight. I’ll text you later.” I jumped up and flung my backpack over my shoulders.
“Nice, next time don’t be so late. And woman you better text me details after tonight… details,” she shouted. Embarrassed I hurried for the door.
I felt depressed as I walked out of the testing center, knowing I had bombed that test. The cool late October air hit my face like shards of glass and, even though, the weather was harsh, it was still my favorite time of year. I loved walking around campus, everything smelled of dry leaves and spices. The large brick buildings and old architecture always seemed to pull me from any bad mood I was in. I decided to sit by the pond and watch the yellow leaves blow through the dying grass. Last night’s kiss was on a reel running through my mind on repeat, no doubt this is the reason I’d be failing that damn test.
Sawyer was beautiful. Simply put. I’d never been attracted to anyone like this. I wasn’t so shallow though, I knew that his acceptance of my past had something to do with it. His kiss comforted me more than anything Todd or Cam had ever been able to do. It was like I was destined to meet him. I hit my forehead with the palm of my hand.
“Stop thinking like a love sick jackass,” I mumbled to myself and then laughed out loud. Anyone walking by would have thought I was crazy. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and stared at it. He warned me to stay away. I would have to be stupid not to see that he had the Great Wall of China firmly in place around him. Something though, something gnawed me at the back of my heart that I needed to climb that wall.
Me: What’s your favorite dessert?
I stared at my phone waiting for his response. I was spared a long wait.
Sawyer: Ice cream, you?
Me: Tiramisu or anything with pumpkin, or cream cheese or chocolate…
Sawyer: LOL, that’s more than one.
I giggled to myself before answering.
Me: I know. I have no self-control when it comes to things I want.
Sawyer: Is that true in all things, Elizabeth?
I was unable to contain my smile. He was flirting. Mission accomplished.
Sawyer: Are you blushing? I think I see pink in those cheeks?
What? I lifted my head and searched around the pond. Sure enough, Sawyer was standing on the other side smiling.
Me: Get your ass over here, stalker!
I heard his booming laughter as he approached. I stood up and wiped the dried leaves from my pants.
“Hi.” I smiled a small smile. I suddenly felt shy without the protection of distance afforded to us by phones. He was wearing dark jeans and a long sleeve cream-colored Henley that fit him perfectly. His beanie pulled low to his brows, his shaggy chocolate hair sticking out the back.
“Hi to you too. Class?” Sawyer smiled back at me and all I could focus on was the dark pools of green that lit his eyes.
“No, I had an exam. I don’t have classes on Fridays. You?”
“Nope, I uh… I needed to change some of my schedules.” Sawyer’s eyes left mine and searched for something to look at other than me.
“Oh, that’s cool they would let you do that so late in the semester.”
“Yeah, real cool,” Sawyer’s tone begged for me to move on from the topic. I would have to think about what all that meant later.
“So, I decided that I’m not taking your advice and that you’re coming over for a movie marathon, pizza and beer… ‘I just failed my math test’ extravaganza.”
The corner of his lip turned up slightly in an appealing smirk. “You don’t listen do you?” He breathed out a sigh. “What time?”
“Is eight too late for you?”
“Nope. I can do eight. Need me to bring anything?”
“Just your favorite beer.”
“I can do that…” he paused, opened his mouth as if to say something else then thought better of it. “See ya at eight, Elizabeth.”
My apartment wasn’t much. It was a third-floor walk-up within walking distance of campus. I had old hand-me-down furniture from the farm I lived on. My small little space was filled so tight with books, records, instruments and memorabilia from my childhood. I loved living here, it was mine. Growing up with Todd and his family, I never really ever felt truly a part of them. I sighed, as I added the finishing touches to the pumpkin cream cheese bars I’d made. I started to get nervous. I felt like I was in a foreign country with Sawyer. I have never really wanted anyone like this… ever. I didn’t have time to think about it too long because there was a knock on the door. I wiped my hands on a towel and rushed to answer. I swallowed hard as I opened the door to my fate.
The door to Elizabeth’s apartment flew open. I big gush of spice and cinnamon filled
my senses. I looked down and stifled a laugh. Elizabeth had a smile so bright it could easily break my heart, but she had some sort of food on her cheek.
“Hi,” she said so softly I almost didn’t even hear it.
“Hi.” I reached down and wiped the speck of food off her face and smiled at her audible gasp. “Sorry, you had something on your cheek.”
“Oh, thanks, you coming in or what?” She shifted from one foot to the other in an invitation to enter her apartment. I stepped in and the scent of fall encapsulated me. This is what home should feel like, smell like, and look like. She had book shelves overflowing with books and sheet music. Her furniture was soft and screamed of a history. I knew the first time I was here that I loved it… I loved it probably more than I should.
“It smells amazing in here, what did you make? I thought we were having pizza.” I placed my beer on her kitchen counter.
“I made pumpkin bars for dessert. Todd’s mom’s special recipe. Oh yes, I called in for reinforcements.” She laughed at herself as she took my beer and put it in the fridge. She handed me one from the pack.
“I should tell you I’m allergic to pumpkin?”
“What? Really?” She looked horrified.
“No, just messing with you.” I chuckled.
“You suck!” She swatted at my arm and then swore under her breath. “Jeez, what are you made of, steel?” She laughed as she rubbed her sore hand.
I opened my beer and took a long draw from the bottle. I was going to need that entire six pack to make it through tonight, to fight the battle in my head to keep this platonic. She looked amazing. She was wearing skinny jeans and a fitted maroon sweater that made her pale skin look like cream, her dark hair shined and her eyes, her eyes, nothing, I couldn’t think of anything, those eyes killed me. Her curves looked so soft, begging me to touch them. She was just miraculous.
Still Life (Forever Still #1) Page 6
