Still Life (Forever Still #1)

by A. M. Johnson

  “Todd, wait,” Elizabeth’s voice cracked, she pushed off the wall and ran after him.

  I let her go. They had a history, a story that I didn’t belong in. I just hoped Elizabeth could deal. Todd and I could work out our shit later. If he hurt her though, I just don’t know what I would do, definitely something that would require jail time, that’s for damn sure.

  “Todd!” I yelled as I rushed away from Sawyer and through the door. “Please, Todd just wait!” Tears started to fall freely from my eyes. The cold fall air scorched the skin on my face. The club goers outside inhaled their thick smoke filled with cancer and parted so I could pass. Once away from the looking eyes, Todd spun around and stopped dead. He looked at me then, in a way I’d never been looked at by a man, his eyes were stoic. He let out a big gushing breath and walked to the alley wall. He leaned his long body against the wall. He scrubbed his face with his palms and slowly dragged his back down the brick where he perched close to the ground. He hung his head down looking completely wrecked.

  “I’m sorry you saw that. I was going to call you tonight when I got home. I wanted to give you—”

  “Shut up Lizzie, just shut the fuck up!” His voice fractured and I gasped.

  “Don’t talk to me like that, Todd, you don’t get to talk to me like that! I don’t owe you anything.” My heart pounded inside my chest, I could feel my face light up with heat. Todd stood abruptly and forced me against the other wall of the small alley. His eyes were red and his cheeks were stained with tears. He grabbed my face crudely and kissed me hard. I could taste stale beer on his breath. He must’ve been celebrating with the team earlier. I tried to escape his grip, but he held on tighter. I let my arms fall limp. His lips pushed and prodded. Getting angrier, he pushed his body flush against mine and pressed me harder into the wall and bit my lower lip. I winced in pain.

  “Stop,” I managed to whisper. “Please, I love you, don’t ruin us.”

  He pulled back. “I don’t want your love, Liz,” his voice was acidic. “You already ruined us.”

  “What the hell are you talking about? You screw every chick on campus and I’m supposed to what? Never be happy with anyone because you chose to love someone you can’t ever have?”

  His hand came hard across my face. The stinging hot flame across my cheek bone immediately started to blister and the tears escaped my eyes. In my shock, what happened next seemed like a blur. Sawyer’s immense frame had Todd’s body pinned against the wall with his right forearm. I scarcely registered what was happening until I heard a crunch. Sawyer pulled back his left fist and met Todd’s face with a force I never thought I would witness. Grotesque blood spewed from Todd’s nose. I watched as Sawyer released him from the wall only to swing his right fist into Todd’s ribcage in another punishing blow. It was all in slow motion. As Todd tried to keel over in pain, Sawyer pushed him hard against the wall again pinning him with his right forearm this time with all his might.

  I gasped. “Oh my God! Sawyer… stop. You’ll kill him,” I screamed. Sawyer didn’t move. I tried to look into his eyes, but they weren’t Sawyer’s. They were fire and ice at the same time. His face shook with strength as he drained Todd of life. I jumped up onto Sawyer’s massive bicep and pulled with all the might I could muster. “Please,” I cried out. Todd’s body fell to the ground and he started wheezing. “Oh my God, Todd, are you… okay?” Sawyer stood there looking down at us.

  “I’m fine, I’m drunk and I fucked up so bad! I… I can’t believe I fucking hit you,” Todd started coughing. He choked for air and choked through his emotion. I looked up at Sawyer, who stood like stone. His silhouette filling the alley with heat and fury.

  “Come here, let me look at your face, Elizabeth,” Sawyer’s voice was cool and eerily calm. I was still frightened by his actions, but he defended me. I shouldn’t be scared, and a part of me knew if I showed any fear it would hurt Sawyer. I fell into his arms. He pulled me close as all the sensation, fear and strain of the past ten minutes came falling out of me in huge sobs. He stroked the back of my neck and whispered in my ear that everything was going to be okay. He pulled my face up to look at him with his fingers. He frowned. “You’re bleeding.” He gently prodded my cheek with feather soft touches. I flinched. A low grumble in his throat, he looked down at Todd, who sat on the dirty alley floor and cried. Sawyer’s body shook with restraint.

  “Todd,” I turned to look at him while still in Sawyer’s embrace. “Look at me.” Todd pulled his face from his hands. He looked so terrible that my heart broke for him. I knew he never meant to hurt me.

  “I screwed up big time.” He stood up and looked at both Sawyer and I. “Sawyer, thanks for defending, Liz. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. I just got so mad, I was hurt—”

  “Don’t even justify it to yourself, you son of a bitch. Own what you did. I know you love this woman, and I’m sorry it didn’t play out how you’d imagined. Just know I care about her too and I don’t let people in easily, so know that what Lizzie means to you will always be protected by me. I will always try to do right by her. But, I’ve known guys like you my whole life, some are good and others, well let’s not go there. But if you ever lay a finger on her again, I’ll fucking bury you! You hearing me?” I shuddered in his arms at the tone of his voice. I had no doubt that it was a real threat.

  “I hear you.” Todd moved toward me and Sawyer reluctantly let me go. Todd reached out his hand against my bottom lip and cringed. “Lizzie, I don’t even know what to say. I’m so sorry, you have no idea. I’m so ashamed, so fucking ashamed.”

  I knew he didn’t mean to hit me. I knew I pushed his buttons. I knew he would never do it again. But I also knew that I wasn’t ready to forgive and forget.

  “Look Todd, I need some space from you. I can’t be okay with you hitting me. I screwed up too, but I didn’t deserve that.” He reached out to hug me and I backed into Sawyer. “I’m not ready for you to touch me, I don’t want your hugs right now.” He sucked in a long inhale.

  “I deserve that. When you’re ready Lizzie bean, you know where I live.” He walked toward the end of the alley and looked back over his shoulder. “Hey Soy, thanks again for protecting our girl, you deserve her.” He smiled a small sad smile, turned and walked away.

  Elizabeth was quiet on the way home from The Lounge. She didn’t get to finish her set, she was too upset and for good reason. I don’t know how I stopped. I felt Todd’s life slipping, I could feel the strain of his tendons as I squeezed his throat. If it wasn’t for Liz… my fists clenched the steering wheel as I thought about it. I looked at Liz, the moonlight illuminating her face, her lip swollen from where he’d bitten her. He fucking bit her! I suppressed the screams that were trapped in my throat. I knew he was drunk. Todd wouldn’t ever do this again or at least I hoped he wouldn’t. I knew I wouldn’t stop from snuffing out his life if he did. The world was full of men like Gavin Bryant and I prayed Todd was not on that road, the road that led my father to beating his only son and wife.

  “You okay?” Elizabeth’s small voice took me from the dark place my mind was headed.

  “No, no I’m not. You?”

  “No,” her voice shook and she started to cry. I took her shaking hand in mine.

  “Shh... it’ll be okay sweetheart.” I rubbed deep circles into her palm with my thumb.

  We pulled up at her apartment. She was crying pretty hard at this point and I didn’t know what to do.

  “Baby, where are your keys?” She was sobbing as she pointed to her purse. I made quick business of finding her keys and walked over to her side of the car. I picked her up in my arms, holding her like a groom would hold his bride.

  “S-Sawyer what are you doing?” she sniffed. Her wet cheek rested against my chest.

  “I’m taking you upstairs.” I smirked at her irritated scowl.

  “I am perfectly cap—”

  I cut her off. “I got you.” It was simple. She needed to know I would always be there for her. Rega
rdless if this relationship, that I wasn’t really worthy of, went anywhere or not she would be in my life. “I wasn’t lying to Todd when I said that I didn’t let people in. But when I do, it’s permanent for me.”

  “Okay.” Hearing the seriousness in my tone she relaxed into my hold and let me take her up the three flights of stairs.

  We entered her apartment and I placed her down on the couch. I kneeled down in front of her, so I was at eye level.

  “Are you going to be all right? Do you want me to call Cam?”

  “You can stay… if you want,” she spoke so delicately, with such insecurity. I hated that Todd took away that confidence I loved about her with just one hit. I might have to kill the shit anyway.

  I took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of my nose. As I spoke, I had to close my eyes, her eyes would be my destruction. “I would love to stay, but I’m sort of riled up and I don’t think it’s a good idea. I need to get some release. I was thinking I could call Cam. I could come by tomorrow if you like?” I opened my eyes and her face fell.

  “Release? What does that mean?” I could hear the fear in her question.

  “It means I’m seriously pissed right now. I want to find Todd and finish what I started.” Elizabeth’s eyes bulged, but before she could speak I continued, “I won’t. Don’t worry. But I need to go run or swim, punch a bag, do something. My gym is open twenty-four hours. I was going to head there.” I smiled at her as I watched the tension from her shoulders fade.

  “That definitely sounds better then fighting Todd. I don’t want you guys to fight. Promise me you won’t.”

  “I won’t, as long as he doesn’t touch you again.” Even though every inch of me begged for the fight, I was a man of my word.

  I stood and walked to Elizabeth’s purse and picked up her phone. I looked through her contacts and called Cameron. I explained everything and she sounded seriously upset. I hung up the phone just as Elizabeth walked over to me.

  “She will be here in thirty.”

  “Thank you. Thank you for everything. Some date, huh?”

  “Except for Todd and you getting hurt, it was amazing.”

  “The puking was amazing?” Her mouth quirked up in a side smile.

  “What was amazing was the fact that they had a toothbrush so I can do this.”

  I smiled and placed my hands on either side of her face. My fingers lightly lifted her hair at the nape as my thumb soothed her bruised cheek. I placed a soft kiss on the abrasion. She tilted her head and looked directly into my eyes. I was taken aback by the intensity of her stare. She looked at me like she loved me, like I was her savior and it scared the living shit out of me. I had such violent emotions inside my heart. I had so many demons. I couldn’t be her knight in shining armor.

  “Why do you look so sad?” Elizabeth asked while a war raged in my mind.

  “Do you want an honest answer?”

  “Always, Sawyer.”

  My name on her lips sounded perfect. “I’m scared to death. I know I’ve only known you for a short time, but you bring feelings out that I’ve never experienced. I like you way too much and I don’t know what to do with that. I can’t be who you need. But damn it, I really want to be. I want to be the man that deserves the look you just gave me. I want that so bad that I can almost taste it, Elizabeth.”

  She smiled her brilliant smile and I couldn’t help myself. I brought my lips to hers and kissed her. My lips were soft against hers. I didn’t want to hurt her. Her bottom lip was split slightly. I avoided her wounds and placed my lips on the sweet corners of her mouth. She wrapped her arms around my neck and I hugged her to me. She was so small my arms devoured her tiny frame.

  “Don’t be afraid, you’re worth it Sawyer, just give me a chance to prove it to you.”

  I didn’t know what to say. I felt honored that I had the privilege of knowing this precious creature. She trusted me. Maybe it was time I started to trust myself.

  This night had been hell on wheels. I felt like a truck had hit me. Sawyer left as soon as Cam came to the door. I could tell he needed to get out his frustration over what Todd had done. I was struggling with how I would get over it. Cam looked tired, she must’ve been sleeping. She was wearing her unicorn PJ bottoms and a hoodie, no makeup and hair in a messy bun. I think we definitely woke her.

  “What the hell happened to your face? He seriously hit you? I thought Sawyer was being melodramatic.” Cameron plopped down next to me on the couch with an angry grunt. I swallowed down the growing lump in my throat. I didn’t need to break down in front of her. She was already never going to forgive Todd. “Seriously Liz, I want the whole story.”

  I took a deep breath and told Cam everything. I told her how my date was going wonderfully. How Sawyer got sick. Cameron thought that was just hysterical. Apparently, if you’re a big tough guy you’re not allowed to vomit. I went through the details of what happened with Todd and she cringed. We sat silent for a while, both of us staring at the fire Sawyer had lit for us.

  “I’m so disgusted. We’ve known Todd our whole lives. He’s watched you date other guys before. I guess I’m just confused as to why he thought it would be all right to hurt you like that?”

  I grumbled, “I don’t know, Cam. I think he was drunk, caught off guard. I mean he never used to sleep around either. People change, they grow apart,” my voice hitched. I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore, but between tears I was able to speak, “I don’t think I can forgive him.”

  Cam took me into her embrace. She soothed me. She has always been my center. We sat there on the couch and cried together. It was so late, I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I rested my head on her lap as she sang me the song my mother would sing to us at sleepovers. My heart broke open and my body shook with ugly sobs, at some point I must have drifted off into a fitful sleep.

  The summer grass was so warm, I felt the blades tickle my arms. The heat from the sun seeped into my skin. The sky was completely cloudless. The bright blue stretched on, it seemed for miles. Todd laughed at something Cam had said and I looked over at him. He was so handsome. His golden hair glowing brightly as the rays of light danced across it. I startled at her voice, my mom’s, she was calling us in for lunch.

  “Come on, Lizzie bean!” Todd said as he pulled me up from the front lawn. We were so young. It was the summer between second and third grade.

  We walked up the steps of my house and I could smell my mom’s baking. My mouth watered as I walked into the kitchen and saw the cornbread still steaming. Chili and cornbread were the best things in the whole world, I thought. Todd shoved me and it made me giggle. He then took my hand in his as we sat at the table together. Cam rolled her eyes making me giggle even harder.

  “This sure looks good, Mrs. Haddington.” Todd gave my mom his perfect smile.

  “Anything for you, Todd. You’re always so good to my Lizzie.” She ruffled his hair and turned to the sink.

  “You hear that Lizzie? Don’t forget it.” Todd kissed me on the cheek.

  I blushed and looked at my bowl of chili. My first kiss! I couldn’t stop the grin on my face. Cam’s face broke into a huge smirk. I heard my mom chuckle. I looked up to see her, she wiped her hands on the dishrag that was always hanging right next to the sink. She looked happy. Her blue eyes sparkled as she winked at me. I smiled at her knowingly. I kissed Todd right back on his smooth tanned cheek. He was not phased and continued to eat like it was his last supper. My mom grinned at me with full force now and walked out of the kitchen. I looked down at my bowl of chili and screamed. It was full of grey matter and blood. I dropped my fork and the clanging sound it made shook me. My hands and body were covered in sticky residue and the smell of gun smoke coated my lungs.

  “Help,” I screamed. I was back in the kitchen, but Todd and Cam were gone. My parents were dead. “Help me!”

  “Liz!” Cam shook me hard.

  “Cam?” I was shaking, half stuck still in my nightmare. “Oh gosh, I’m sorry.” I was sweati
ng profusely and digging my nails into her legs.

  “You were having a nightmare?” Cam’s face appeared ghostly and her bottom lip trembled.

  “Yes.” I sat up and wiped the stringy wet hair from my face. “I was dreaming of the summer Todd first kissed me. Remember? On the cheek?” Cam nodded. “Well, it quickly turned back into the nightmare I have about my parents’ death. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out.” This night had been long enough, that’s probably what triggered it.

  “It’s cool. It’s early now though. Night from hell is officially over.” Cam smiled. I had a feeling though that last night’s events, on all accounts, would have lasting effects on us all.

  “Well, let’s talk about the civilians that died then,” Teri said with irritation in her voice.

  “I guess you want to get to the point?” My lips formed a firm line still refusing the parent topic.

  I’d been working with Teri, my therapist, for two months and we still had not scratched the surface of anything. I guess she was done screwing around. Her office was stifling today, the heater cranked to what felt like one hundred degrees. I pushed my sweater sleeves up my arms to the elbow. Teri had on a light cardigan. She looked comfortable, ready for her interrogation. I sighed inwardly. I needed to heal, right? Elizabeth deserved a whole person.

  “The shit was heavy, things got messed up. I hit the target that would set off the explosions. I didn’t realize the woman and young girl were in there. It was supposed to be a small village occupied by insurgents, we’d been gathering intel on it for months. I watched as the chain of detonations set off and then I noticed the mother run from the building holding the girl. I watched as their bodies ripped apart to nothing. I can’t change it. I can’t go back. What else can I say, Teri?” I clenched my jaw. My pulse picked up with the vivid memory. It haunted me day in and day out.