Nobody Loves a Bigfoot Like a Bigfoot Babe

by Simon Okill

  Merlot erupted into laughter at such a stupid suggestion.

  Dwight looked upset at the effect his brilliant idea was having.

  "Give your brain a rest, Dwight," Lou insisted with eyebrows raised.

  "Could be a copycat . . . or it could be the perp has changed his MO by taking photographs of the . . ." Merlot faltered and bit down on her lower lip in an attempt to hold back a fit of the giggles.

  Lou gave Merlot another cool look. She could see that the agent was about to break into a fresh bout of giggles.

  "The crime scene," Lou said, finishing off Merlot's sentence.

  Lou directed her attention towards Willis and couldn't believe how much of a complete fool she had been last night-no, make that this night. What an idiot she'd been to think they could get back together. It was over. Her chin began to wobble.

  He'd changed so much. Just look at him. Look at that block of ice. To think she ever had a chance to thaw that iceberg? How could she still want him? Problem was-she did still want him-more than ever. Damn him!

  "This sounds like Duane's doing," Dwight remarked, trying to restore what little dignity he ever had.

  "Yeah, well duh . . . it goes without saying." Lou frowned. "Guess we'd better go ask him." As she spoke she and Willis tried to avoid eye contact and failed.

  Willis had a pensive look on his face. He didn't say a word. He appeared deep in thought.

  Lou's trusty gut told her that Willis had something other than the Phantom Bigfoot on his mind. She took a guess and thought he was thinking about what had happened between them earlier that night. She didn't know if that was a good thing or not.

  Deputy Heidi overheard their conversation and pulled Sheriff Lou aside.

  She whispered into Lou's ear, "Uh, it couldn't have been Duane."

  "It couldn't?" Lou asked with a questioning frown on her face.

  Heidi continued to whisper, "No way sheriff! He's been with me and Annie. We've sort of had him cuffed to the bed all night . . . well . . . almost all night. He stunk up the place so bad we gave him a sponge bath, and well, you know . . . one thing led to another."

  It was no secret that Duane was doing the Bumsen Sisters. They sure had a thing for him, thought Lou. She'd heard talk that Duane was quite a vigorous lover when he put his mind to it. And he'd have to be damned vigorous to satisfy the Bumsen Sisters.

  "You don't say," Lou said.

  The FBI agents and Deputy Dwight watched and listened as Lou and Deputy Heidi talked about Duane's love life.

  Lou knew she should be annoyed with Deputy Heidi for using sheriff's department issue handcuffs to facilitate a sexual act. She smiled. She could only imagine what the two sisters were capable of doing with Duane cuffed to the bed. She suppressed her desire to chuckle and remained serious-faced. This she had to see.

  "Come on, Heidi."

  * * *

  LESS THAN TEN MINUTES later—the time it took for both agents to get dressed—Sheriff Lou, Willis, Merlot and Deputy Heidi stood in the alley outside a door marked private. Familiar muted music could be heard.

  Lou and the agents followed Deputy Heidi through an alleyway entrance and up a flight of narrow stairs to the apartment above Annie's Diner. Lou recognized James Brown's timeless classic "Sex Machine" blasting through the building.

  They reached the upper hallway and stood on the landing listening to the words—"Get on up like a sex machine."

  "This way," Deputy Heidi said as she led the way down the hallway.

  The sheriff and the FBI agents followed.

  Outside a closed door to one of the rooms, Deputy Heidi halted. The sheriff and the FBI agents did the same.

  They listened to the loud music coming from within the room.

  Just as Lou put her hand on the doorknob, Annie came down the hall carrying a tray with food. She was wearing a sexy, female Native-American outfit and Bigfoot slippers.

  Annie froze in surprise at the sight of the unexpected visitors. She gave her sister a questioning look.

  "Oh . . . hi, Annie, we need to speak to Duane," her sister explained.

  "Sure thing," Annie replied, a little unsure of the situation.

  "Someone dressed in a Bigfoot outfit caused quite a ruckus at the hotel just over an hour ago," Lou explained.

  Annie shrugged her shoulders. "Ooh, you don't say."

  "Can you confirm that Duane has been with you for the past two hours?" Willis asked in his regulation voice.

  Annie's eyes rounded and she gave a naughty grin. "Oh yeah, I can confirm Duane's been with me for the past few hours."

  As Annie spoke, Lou turned the doorknob and opened the door. She looked inside the candlelit room with its mirrored ceiling.

  And there, cuffed by his ankles and wrists to a big four-poster bed with police issue restraints, was Duane. He was almost naked, apart from a leather loincloth that barely covered his goods.

  James Brown went silent. A muted pause filled the air.

  Lou gave a wry smile. She knew she should look away from the sight of Duane spread-eagled on the bed, but couldn't. She was thankful he didn't have a hard on, that would have been too much.

  The FBI agents and Deputy Heidi looked into the room and saw Duane, apparently asleep. The music started up with Robert Palmer's "Addicted to Love."

  Robert Palmer sang, "The lights are on, but no one's home."

  Lou looked at Duane and smirked. That line sure summed him up.

  Willis grimaced with disgust.

  Merlot sniggered then giggled, "What's gonna happen next?" She had to shout above the music. She immortalized Duane on her cell phone, blurting out, "Nicely hung for a piece of driftwood."

  Willis gave a sharp look to Merlot.

  Merlot shrugged it off with a poke of her tongue.

  Duane opened his eyes and looked at his audience with a wide sloppy grin on his face.

  "Hi, guys."

  Lou had to bite down on her lower lip to stop herself from laughing. It wouldn't do to have a fit of the giggles in front of Willis and Merlot. She needed to be professional about all of this and laughing like a schoolgirl was not the way to go about the place if she wanted to maintain appearances. She was the sheriff, not like Merlot, a giggling twinkie. She gave Merlot a quick look to stop giggling.

  Merlot couldn't stop.

  "Duane, I don't know what to say," Lou smirked, walking a few paces into the room.

  The FBI agents followed the sheriff into the room, followed by Annie with the tray in her hands.

  Showing no sign of embarrassment at being caught with his pants off, Duane continued to smile. "Real nice to see you all," he said, waving rather limply. "Come on in and take a load off."

  Merlot suddenly burst out into paroxysms of laughter. "This is too much."

  Willis gave his partner a scathing look, but didn't say anything. He had to bite his lip from joining Merlot in laughter.

  Merlot's infectious laughter was all Lou needed to hear. She began to laugh, though it was no more than a titter and chuckle.

  "Duane! You sure look a sight to behold."

  "Why, thank you, Lou," he agreed with a boyish grin.

  Willis' disgusted look began to falter and the corners of his lips turned upwards into a smile. And if anyone looked close enough they would have seen the humor in his eyes.

  "Duane, you horny, dumbass bastard," Willis said with a smirk.

  Both sisters joined in on the merriment and started laughing.

  Duane nodded his head in agreement, "That I am, Willis. That I am."

  "How long have you been . . . uh . . . here like this, Duane?" Lou asked, thoroughly amused.

  Duane tried to look at his wristwatch, only to see he wasn't wearing one, "Can't honestly say, Lou." He looked to Annie for an answer.

  Annie, still holding the tray, filled in the timeslot, "It's gotta be at least . . . four times ago . . . oh, I'd say three hours. That's about right, Heidi?"

  Deputy Heidi nodded in agreement with absolutely n
o hint of embarrassment.

  Lou looked impressed with Duane's sexual endurance. She was about to leave when something dawned on her. "Oh by the way, where's your Bigfoot costume?"

  "It's being aired," Annie chipped in.

  Lou seemed satisfied with Annie's reply and left.

  30

  WHILE THE SHERIFF and both FBI agents stared dumbfounded at Duane's private parts, Olaaa stared with lovesick eyes at her pale plaything.

  The lights were on as the cave was illuminated by one of Duane's battery-operated storm lamps that she had sort of borrowed.

  Olaaa sat on her haunches looking wantonly at Boo with her large, round eyes. She had good eyesight in the dark, as did all Bigfoot. The storm light was for her plaything's benefit so he could see his surroundings and would not be afraid.

  She lovingly watched Boo slowly awaken. She sighed with a faraway smile on her face, sniffing a dog rose in her hand. The entire floor of the cave was festooned with various forest flowers of every color.

  She sniffed the sweet scented air and gave a bleat, "Woooooooo."

  Boo was still tied up but he was no longer gagged. He suddenly sat upright and looked afraid and confused at Olaaa. He tried to back away from her, but she had used vines to bind his hands to a large boulder. He quickly gave up and slumped on his side.

  Olaaa smiled sweetly at him, "woooooo-woooooo-wooooo."

  On the floor at Boo's feet was a chunk of bark piled with various berries and nuts that Olaaa had collected just for him. She indicated hunger by rubbing her belly and shoving fingers to her mouth.

  He eased himself up to a sitting position, moistening his dry lips with his tongue.

  "Look . . . I know you're not a real Bigfoot. This is some kind of joke . . . right, Duane?"

  Olaaa didn't fully understand what he'd just said, but the word "Duane" struck a chord. She tilted her head and looked questioningly at him for several moments.

  "Please untie me," Boo begged, showing his bound wrists.

  Olaaa stared at her plaything for several seconds without responding then shook her head, no, as she understood his meaning.

  "Is that a no?" Boo asked with a frown.

  Olaaa smiled a sweet smile.

  "I know you're not for real. If you ain't Duane, you must be MB. So stop fooling around and let me go."

  Olaaa cocked her head at his strange words then leaned forward and picked up several berries from the plate. She held them in front of Boo's mouth.

  Boo looked at the delicious berries with obvious hunger. He opened his mouth and allowed himself to be baby fed by Olaaa.

  After he'd eaten everything from the bark, Olaaa removed a bright white dog rose from her hair and tried to place it behind Boo's ear.

  The teenager looked warily into Olaaa's beautiful, big eyes and reared away.

  She gave a hurt look and bleated.

  Boo relaxed with a timid smile and offered his ear for the rose.

  "No funny stuff, Duane, or whoever the fuck you are."

  Olaaa mewled pathetically as she slipped the flower behind his ear. If only she could make him understand that she wouldn't hurt him-that she loved him.

  "Woooo-woooo-woooo."

  "Okay, I've had enough of this kinky shit," Boo exclaimed. "It's time to let me go."

  Olaaa picked up on his fear. She gave a shrug of her shoulders and mewled, "Woooo-woooo-woooo."

  Suddenly, a loud growl filled the cave, "Raaaaarrrrrraaaaarrrrraaaaaaarrrrrr."

  Boo's expression turned to abject terror. He squealed and tried to hide behind the boulder.

  Olaaa turned her attention away from Boo to look at a massive, shimmering blond Bigfoot with perky suckle-bumps standing in the entrance to the cave. She knew Ooonaaa couldn't keep a secret. Ooonaaa would tell the other Bigfoot she had taken a pale plaything.

  "Weeeeeeaaaaaaeeeeeeoooooeeeeee," Olaaa screamed hysterically, which basically meant-get outta my cave, bitch.

  Tears filled Olaaa's eyes as Ooonaaa threatened her with the stamping-of-feet ritual. Olaaa knew it was time to let Boo go home. Olaaa slumped to the floor and began to weep.

  "Hey guys, is that real fur or what?" Boo asked. With increasing confusion and awe his eyes took in the excessively large muscles rippling beneath the fur on the larger, blond Bigfoot. He stared at her pert breasts clearly visible through her blond chest fur.

  "You ain't Duane … I know that's gotta be you, Annie 'cause Bigfoot can't be stacked like that. Come on, let me go. I've had enough, okay?" He looked into the large blue eyes glaring at him, "Annie?"

  Ooonaaa stomped up to the pale one and raised a massive big foot above his head.

  Boo closed his eyes, "Oh, fuck no!"

  The big foot crashed down on the lamp, plunging the cave into darkness. By the light of the silvery moon, Boo fainted to the floor.

  Olaaa realized Ooonaaa had actually facilitated Boo's escape by removing the light so she could sneak out with him. She untied the vines binding Boo to the boulder with clumsy fingers, weeping for her plaything.

  31

  THE DINING ROOM of the Grace Hotel was bursting with guests eating a hearty breakfast after the previous night's fun at Abe's. Almost a full, three-quarters of the guests were the Japanese tourists still happily chatting and wildly gesticulating about the Bigfoot sighting.

  Merlot entered the pine-clad restaurant with its quota of animal heads stuck here and there, along with local American Indian paraphernalia-arrows, spears and leather shields. She casually walked over to her designated table.

  As Merlot perused the breakfast menu, a good looking young waiter arrived at her table to take her order. He was just her type on her woodometer-good fresh mahogany sapling full of sap. Merlot eyed him up and down with an amorous glint in her eye.

  The tall, muscular waiter with shiny black hair appreciated the look the FBI agent gave him and smiled.

  "Hello there, gorgeous, my name's Agent Merlot, Candice Merlot, but my friends call me Merlot, because I go down in a velvety, smooth way."

  The waiter smiled and tried to look coy. He obviously understood the sexual metaphor by the expression on his face.

  "You're something I could drink any day, Merlot."

  Merlot gave a confident smile. She knew it wasn't FBI policy to chat up the locals, but in a town like Big Beaver such rules seemed trivial and nonsensical. And yet surprisingly there was no major crime, she thought.

  "And what's your name, sweet thing?"

  "Mario," he replied with a blush, pointing to his name label on his chest.

  "Well, Mario, if you would be so kind to fetch me one egg over easy, a couple of rashers of bacon, not too crispy, four waffles, orange juice and plenty of black coffee." She noticed Mario's eyebrows raised, "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day . . . oh, and a big glass of prune juice for my partner, Agent Tightass. He sure needs it."

  Mario chuckled at Merlot's reference to her bunged-up partner as he scribbled down the order in his notebook.

  "Will there be anything else, Merlot?" Mario looked at the sexy FBI agent and moistened his lips with his tongue.

  Yes, there was, Merlot thought, but there wasn't any time to nibble on Mario's board-au-fare. She sighed with regret at his firm butt as he walked away.

  Merlot looked up to see Willis enter the room. She quickly surmised that her partner was not in the best of moods, as was the case every damned morning these days. Her thoughts of Mario dissipated at the sight of her partner.

  Willis looked disgruntled at the boisterous Japanese who had started to re-enact the previous night's barroom brawl and Hiroshi's encounter with Bigfoot. He shook his head with dismay as he approached Merlot.

  Mario soon returned with Merlot's orange juice, coffee and a glass of prune juice.

  "Breakfast will be another few more minutes."

  Merlot didn't mind the wait as she watched him saunter to another table. She picked up the glass of orange juice and sipped. Hmm, freshly squeezed! Perfect! Over the rim of h
er glass she watched Willis approaching their table.

  Willis sat down opposite Merlot without saying a word. He glanced up as Mario arrived with notebook and pencil at the ready.

  The waiter stood at the table in an impatient manner waiting to take his order.

  "Coffee, black, a large bowl of oatmeal and two bran muffins," Willis ordered in his matter-of-fact tone of voice.

  Mario scribbled the order down, glanced at Merlot and gave her a smile before saying, "Oh yeah, he sure needs it." With that he hurried off to the kitchens.

  Willis glanced at the waiter and frowned, "What do you suppose he meant by that?"

  Merlot watched her partner take a sip of his prune juice. "You really need to lighten up." She took a sip of her freshly ground coffee. Even more perfect! She looked at Willis' prune juice. "You ever tried mixing some rum with that stuff?" She chuckled. "Guaranteed to reach the parts that others cannot, real fast."

  Willis didn't reply at his partner's crude remark.

  "That was quite a night, wouldn't you say? And that Duane . . . he sure is one of a kind," Merlot commented.

  Willis didn't reply, he just quietly sipped his prune juice and nodded his head in agreement.

  Merlot eyed her partner with a mixture of mischief and curiosity. "You know, I could have sworn I heard you talking to someone last night."

  Willis narrowed his eyes and looked coolly at his partner.

  "Someone of the female persuasion . . . about an hour or so before Bigfoot paid a visit." Merlot studied her partner's unsmiling face wondering if there'd be a reaction.

  Willis stiffened in his chair and gave his partner a withering look. He didn't speak. He sighed heavily.

  Merlot continued, "What a night . . . first a barroom brawl, then the sheriff pays you a visit begging you to do her brains out . . . and last, but not least, Bigfoot shows up at our hotel. Oh, let's not forget Duane caught with his pants down." Merlot sniggered, "I'll never forget that sight as long as I live."

  Willis' annoyance was beginning to boil over and yet he didn't reply. He scowled at Merlot's grinning face over the rim of his glass of prune juice.

  Merlot thought about dropping the subject, but she had a devilish streak in her that forced her to push Willis until something gave. When it came to teasing her partner, Merlot knew no bounds. Up until the last couple of months, Willis didn't seem to mind the teasing, but that was then, in the good old days. Merlot knew from her partner's nasty look that she was pissing him off. It was so much fun!