Shameless

by Rosanne Bittner

  Nina watched Mills leave, then came to sit down on a saddle across the fire from Clay.

  “You’d better let her go, Lieutenant,” Kinkade shouted from the spot where he sat in bondage. “Any man who would turn in a pretty young woman is a bastard and a coward!”

  “Shut up and try to get some sleep,” a nearby soldier growled. “One more word and I’ll stuff a gag down your throat! See how you like trying to sleep then!”

  The night air hung silent for several minutes while Clay poured himself a cup of coffee. He held up the pot to Nina and she shook her head. “I do not want anymore.”

  Their eyes held in the soft firelight, their lips still burning from the kiss, both of them secretly wanting to kiss again. Nina was filled with new emotions, new fears, new desires. He had touched her breast. And she had let him! She dropped her eyes.

  “I do not know why I did what I did,” she said softly. “I just wanted…I needed to know something. You think I am a bad woman, but I am not. And I did not let you…I did not do that to make you let me go. I am not sure why it happened.”

  Clay sipped some of the coffee. “You’re afraid of what’s to come. You’re afraid of dying and never knowing what it’s like to be a woman.” She stared at the flames as he spoke. “I don’t think you’re bad, Nina. I think what happened was very nice.” He drank a little more coffee. “I was wrong when I said earlier that I could love you.”

  She met his eyes, frowning.

  “I think maybe I do love you,” he told her, his eyes steady and sure.

  She said nothing. She only stared at him in disbelief. Her chest ached, and she wished she had not pushed him away. The impossible had happened! Not only did this handsome gringo soldier love her, but she realized that this feeling she had in return must surely also be love! For an American soldier? It was impossible!

  Clay moved the blanket on which he sat closer to Nina. “We have another day and night before we reach Fort Fillmore,” he told her, keeping his voice low. “Tomorrow night I’m going to try to figure a way to make it look like you’ve escaped. But I want you to promise me that you’ll go someplace where I can find you, Nina. I’ll be out of the Army in a few months.”

  She searched his eyes in disbelief. “You are serious!”

  He glanced at the other men, then picked up a stick and poked at the fire, trying to make it look as if he wasn’t talking about anything important. “I’m loco is what I am,” he told her. “And if you faked that kiss or are using those beautiful eyes to get your way, then I’m the biggest fool this side of the Mississippi.” He looked at her again, searching her eyes deeply. Nina saw a silent pride beneath his look of yearning. If that pride was wounded, he could surely express as much anger as kindness. “Am I being a fool, Nina? If I help you, are you going to be waiting for me when I get out of the Army?”

  She swallowed, her eyes tearing again at the realization that he really intended to help her. She shook her head. “You are not a fool, señor…I mean…Clay. I will wait for you, but only if you promise never to hurt me.”

  “A man doesn’t hurt something he loves.”

  She looked at her lap. “I do not know what I feel for you. It is all so new to me…to feel attracted to a man…to want him to kiss me. It frightens me. I am even more confused because you are the very kind of man I should hate.”

  “I don’t expect you to do anything beyond waiting for me,” he told her. “We can work out the rest after we’re both free.” Had he really said that? Had he lost his mind? Clay could hardly believe the words that were coming out of his mouth. All his life he had been a man of reason and logic. What he was doing and thinking now fit neither description. “If I can arrange an escape, where would you go?” he asked.

  She swallowed back a lump in her throat. She felt too warm, and her chest and throat ached from something. Love? “I…I would probably go back to El Paso. Emilio and I…we worked there at a place called the Pecos Tavern. Emilio cleaned, took care of the horses for the men. I…I did laundry for the women who worked upstairs.”

  Clay felt a renewed anger at Emilio for exposing his sister to such a place. “Whores?”

  Nina nodded. “They were not so bad. One of them, Carmell Santon, she was nice to me.”

  “Will you wait then at El Paso?”

  She met his eyes. “Sí, I will wait. Perhaps I am the one who is a fool.”

  Clay shook his head. “I guess it’s hard for either one of us to believe, isn’t it?”

  “Emilio would be very angry with me.”

  Clay looked at the fire. “You’ve got to stop thinking about what Emilio will think. He’s deserted you. He never should have gotten you into this mess in the first place or had you working at a place that caters to drunks and whores. Emilio isn’t just a protective brother anymore, Nina. He’s an outlaw, and he’s learned to love the life.”

  “You’re wrong—”

  “You know I’m right!” He met her eyes again. “Nina, if this all works, and I come for you in El Paso, I want you to start listening to me, not Emilio. Will you do that?”

  She frowned, turning away and putting her head in her hands. “I do not know what to do anymore. Why should I listen to you, a gringo soldier who I hardly know, over my own brother?”

  Clay leaned closer. “Because your brother lives in a world that you can’t be a part of, Nina.” He lowered his voice even more. “And because of what we just shared, and what I’ve told you about my feelings for you. My God, Nina, I’m a soldier! Do you realize the risk I’m taking? Doesn’t that tell you something of my sincerity?”

  She told herself this was not right. It was too easy. He must be trying to trick her. Still, his eyes, they were so soft and sincere. And his kiss…it burned on her lips even now. Her curiosity at the mysteries of man had been increased tenfold by his touch. She kept her head in her hands as she spoke. “Since I was nine years old I have trusted no one but Emilio.”

  “I know that. But as you can see, your brother will not always be at your side. You have to learn to trust others, Nina.”

  She turned to meet his eyes again, wishing Carmell were there to tell her if this man was telling the truth. “How would you do it? How would I escape?” she asked in a whisper.

  Clay picked up his coffee cup and took another swallow, then tossed out what liquid was left. “If you want to know the truth, I’ve been thinking about it all day.” He rose. “Let’s go, Miss Juarez,” he said in a louder voice. “You’d better try to get some rest. Get back in the tent.”

  Nina frowned at the abrupt change in conversation. She rose, keeping the blanket wrapped tightly around her. She walked to the tent and ducked inside, sitting down on the bedroll and stretching out her legs. Clay picked up the cuffs, snapping one on one ankle, then the other. “It can’t happen tonight,” he told her in hushed tones. “It has to look like you’ve taken time to plan it. I’ll put you in here again tomorrow night, and you will refuse to change into a nightgown then. That way you’ll be dressed and ready. I won’t cuff you. I’ll tie you up, using the excuse later that the cuffs had bruised your ankles and I felt using rope was more humane. I’ll leave the rope on your wrists loose enough so that you can get free. Then you’ll sneak out under the tent on the back side. No one will notice because I’m supposed to be watching you.”

  He looked up from the cuffs, and again they both thought about the kiss. He wondered if she realized how much he burned for her, to taste the full breast he had touched, to be the one to steal away her virginity and be the recipient of all that fiery passion he knew lay buried within that provocative body she flaunted so innocently.

  He leaned closer again. “Once you’re out of here, you’ll have to be very careful. If someone sees you and you get shot…” Pain showed in his eyes. “I don’t know any other way to do it, Nina. You’re obviously good at sneaking off with horses, so I’m counting on your expertise in that field. You’ll have to make your way in the dark back to the remuda and get your horse.
You’ll also have to ride it bareback. It will be dark. I’ll tell the others there’s no sense going after you, convince them that you weren’t really an active part of the gang anyway. Kinkade and Lions are the important ones. Somehow I’ll convince my own commander that you are no threat and that you’ll probably just hightail it back to Mexico like a scared rabbit.”

  “I will need supplies.”

  “There are some in this tent, and your saddlebags are here. Fill them with what you need. I don’t like the idea of you riding off into this kind of country alone, but you have a better chance of survival out there on your own than with the American authorities.”

  He leaned closer, taking her face in his hands, thinking how small she was, small and beautiful and perfect. There were so many things he wanted to teach her. “I’ll go crazy worrying about you, Nina, but this is the only way. If I go with you, it will just create a huge manhunt. I’d be a deserter. Your chances are a lot better if you do this alone.”

  Very hesitantly, she touched his face, feeling the stubble there from a full day without a shave. “You are a good man, Clay Youngblood. I did not think that was possible in a gringo soldier.”

  Clay could not help wondering if she had pulled the ultimate ruse on him. She was scared, and she probably wanted nothing more right now than to find Emilio. He reminded himself of how she had used her beauty to fool Clyde Boone’s men. Surely this was different. There was so much sincerity in those dark eyes. “Just make sure you wait for me, Nina.”

  She grasped his wrists, full of the same wonder and doubt he was feeling, Could they ever truly trust each other? This was the first time she had ever listened to anyone besides Emilio. She tried to decipher what reason this man could have for letting her go, other than the fact that he must truly love her and want her to be free. “I said I would. I do not lie.”

  Clay decided that the possibility she was lying was still worth the attempt. If she was telling the truth, something wonderful and exotic and achingly pleasing lay in his future. Here was a young woman who, in spite of the foolishness of his actions, made him feel alive and excited again, the way he had once felt when he first realized he loved Jennifer. He would take her to California with him, and they would have a ranch there and be happy.

  “I’ll take all the blame for the escape,” he told her. “I’ll tell my commander I fell asleep, and somehow, clever little thief that you are, you managed to get loose from your bindings and get away. It’s going to be embarrassing, but I’ll live through it. With so little time left in the Army, and most of it to be spent on a journey to California, I can take the gossip and ridicule. They won’t be able to prove anything in terms of saying I let it happen.”

  He kissed her forehead, and a shiver went through her at his masculine scent. He rubbed at her cheeks with his thumbs, awakening the memory of the touch of his hand on her breast. She reminded herself of what he would expect from her if he allowed this escape and then came to find her, yet the thought of it was suddenly not so dreadful as it had once been. Part of her still felt the fear, but another part of her wanted him with surprising passion.

  “I’ve got to leave,” he told her. “Try to rest.”

  He turned, and she said his name softly. He looked back at her tear-filled eyes. “Gracias. I will wait for you, and I will pray for your safety. Do not fail to come to me, Clay, or it is I who will feel like a fool.”

  “At least you’ll be free.” He gave her a soft smile. “I won’t fail you, Nina.”

  There it was, she thought. The look of doubt. Each wanted the other to be sincere, yet each doubted the other, hoping they would not be disappointed and embarrassed.

  Clay left, and Nina turned on her side, her mind full of questions, her heart full of something that made it hurt. She reached out and touched some of his things, a jacket, a razor. How could this be? How could she have fallen for a man who should be her worst enemy? There were still things she didn’t even know about him. Tomorrow. She must find out more tomorrow while they rode, before they would be separated again.

  She put a hand to her chest. Would his plan work? And if it did, would Clay Youngblood really come for her after he got out of the Army? He had to. For now, after seeing him again, tasting another kiss, she was sure she would die a slow death from heartbreak if he never showed up.

  Nina quickly dressed, a myriad of emotions rushing through her—excitement, apprehension, thrill at the thought of an escape, but most wonderful of all, love. The look on Clay’s face that morning when he had come in to uncuff her ankles told her he wished he was waking up in the bed beside her. And for the first time in her life, she wished she could have awakened in a man’s arms. The thought of Clay’s arms around her was so much more comforting than when Emilio had occasionally held her. The feeling was so entirely different. In Clay’s arms she was a woman, not just someone’s sister; she was special, beautiful, worshipped, adored. Oh how she prayed Lieutenant Clay Youngblood was not lying to her. And how she prayed her escape would be successful!

  Clay paid no special attention to her once the camp was awake and the cook hollered that breakfast was ready, such as it was. The small contingent of soldiers did not have a cook wagon along, just one man who had been assigned the duty of preparing something from the small food supply. Nina tried not to watch Clay too closely, just as he was careful not to create any suspicion by giving her any special looks or too much attention. Nina suspected it was as difficult for him as it was for her. She wanted to feel his arms around her, to hear him tell her that everything was going to be all right…to feel his mouth on hers again. She wanted so much to never take her eyes off him, to watch the way he walked, to study his big, strong hands and slim hips, his broad shoulders and finely chiseled face, his blue eyes. She wanted to touch the thick, sandy hair, to see him smile at her.

  “Eat up, little lass,” a sergeant told her, handing her a plate of potatoes and bacon, a hard biscuit on the side. “Not much, but it will keep you going, although I wouldn’t want to be headed where you are. How’d a pretty thing like you get mixed up with a gang of horse thieves?”

  “Leave her be, Sergeant Johnson,” Clay told the man. “You can’t trust her.”

  Johnson looked at Clay and chuckled. “You’d best watch yourself then, sir.”

  “You just keep an eye on those other two.”

  Nina glanced over at Kinkade and Lions. Lions’s shirt was open, and she could see bandages wrapped diagonally from his wounded shoulder around his side. Kinkade wore a bloody bandage on one thigh, where his pants had been cut open to tend the wound. She could not help feeling sorry for them. They had become friends to her and Emilio. Now all the others were dead, Emilio and Carlos gone. Their plans for getting rich were also gone.

  “Emilio’s out there, Nina, you can be sure,” Kinkade called to her. “The fancy lieutenant is going to end up with a bullet in the back if he gets us any closer to that fort.”

  “Keep your mouth shut, Kinkade, or I’ll have you gagged and let you go without breakfast,” Clay said. He walked toward Nina, carrying a plate of his own.

  “Don’t answer his questions, Nina,” Kinkade sneered. “You just remember, whatever he does, whatever he promises, there’s just one thing he wants, and that’s Emilio and Carlos. Don’t let him smooth-talk you into telling him where we hang out.”

  Nina glanced at Clay, swallowing a spoonful of beans. Was Al right? Was that all this was? Clay had already caused her to tell him where she and Emilio had worked and met Mike’s men. And if he let her escape, did he think she would lead him right to her brother? Then he would have the whole gang! He would receive much praise from his commander, wouldn’t he? Emilio had tried to tell her once before how important that was to a man like Clay, a dedicated soldier.

  “He’s after Emilio, Nina, don’t you forget that,” Kinkade repeated. “You just keep quiet and be patient. Emilio will get us out of this.”

  Nina continued to watch Clay’s eyes. Her heart pained her as
though someone had tightened a vise around it. She wanted so much to trust him, wanted so much to believe that he loved her!

  “Don’t listen to him,” Clay said quietly. He wanted to scream at her, to grab her close and assure her he was sincere.

  She looked at her plate. “I would rather go to the fort and be hanged than to lead you to Emilio, believing a lie.”

  Clay set a plate aside and poured her some coffee, turning his back to the others when he handed it to her. “Damn it, Nina, I wasn’t lying,” he told her in a growled whisper. “Look at me!”

  She raised her eyes to meet his, so blue in the morning sunlight, looking so sincere. “I meant every word. You’ve got to believe me, Nina. If you don’t get out of this mess, there’s no chance of us ever being together.”

  She took the coffee from him. “I was so sure…last night…”

  “Nothing has changed.” He felt he would burst with the need to hold her. There was so little he could do or say now in the daylight. He sighed, sitting back down and taking another bite of food. “In two months I’m coming to El Paso,” he said quietly. “You had by God better be there, or I’ll tear apart Texas and Mexico looking for you.”

  The words were said with conviction, and the pain in her heart eased slightly. Clay got up and left her, giving a few orders, trying to keep his distance. Soon the camp was cleaned up and packed, and they were all on their way again. They would reach the fort by the next morning. Nina realized she had to escape tonight or there would be no hope for her.

  The day was hot, and time seemed to pass slowly. Kinkade continued to grumble and curse, and the heat made everyone listless. At lunch Kinkade put up a fuss about how tight the cuffs on his wrists had become. The heat had made his hands and wrists swell slightly, and the cuffs were cutting into them. “I’m not going anywhere with this leg, and Greg sure as hell isn’t in any condition to try anything, either,” he grumbled. “Come on, Lieutenant, let somebody take off these cuffs. Greg’s, too.”