Cityscape Affair Series: The Complete Box Set

by Hawkins, Jessica

  “Right,” he mumbled, turning to me. He took my coat and drew it around my shoulders. “Hopefully I’ll get back tonight, but I might have to stay with them. We’ll finish this discussion tomorrow.”

  “We—I leave for Dallas in the morning,” I said.

  He froze, holding my lapels closed. “Without me?”

  The whole point of the trip had been to introduce David to my dad, but since then, it’d become just as much about returning home after an arduous few months. Instead of being a cheating wife or a girlfriend who couldn’t measure up to David’s expectations, I just wanted to be my dad’s daughter for a bit.

  I stammered for a response. “I-I don’t know where you and I stand right now. Do you?”

  He tilted his head. “Not exactly.”

  “And Alex needs you. Go be with him. I’ll go to my dad’s. When I get back, we can talk.”

  His brown eyes roamed over me, lingering on my red lips until his car pulled up. “I . . .”

  I love you. I waited for him to reassure me it was still true, but instead, he swallowed. “Text me when you get to the apartment,” he said and released me to get the car.

  We were just going to leave things like that? I couldn’t just let him go while he possibly thought I was having second thoughts about us. I only doubted myself. Not him. Not us.

  I ran after him, grabbed his forearm, rose onto the tips of my toes, and kissed his cheek. He caught me before I pulled back and quickly pressed his lips to mine. I wiped away the red lipstick I’d left behind. “Let me know when you find out about Alex,” I said softly.

  I retreated to the curb and watched him drive away. Then, I hailed a passing cab, slid inside, and with a deep breath, gave the driver the address to Bill’s apartment.

  16

  The slide of a deadbolt raked across my nerves. The door to my old apartment opened a fraction, and Bill leaned out, shirtless. The sounds of a popular sitcom floated out from the apartment. Bill’s eyes scanned my figure and then flicked back up to my face. “What do you want?”

  “Can I come in?”

  He leaned back and held the door open for me to enter.

  “Thanks.” The apartment looked eerily similar to when I’d left. It was clean, except for a few empty beer bottles and the lingering scent of cigarette smoke. My scarf still hung on the coatrack. The linens I’d slept on during my last month here sat folded at one end of the couch. It didn’t feel the same, however. I was out of place and back home all at once.

  “I’m going to my dad’s tomorrow, and I need some things,” I explained as I undid my coat and draped it over a kitchen chair.

  He snorted. “I bet your dad’s happy about this. He never liked me.”

  I wished I could tell Bill that was true, but I didn’t know for sure what my dad thought. Only that he’d never taken to Bill like I’d hoped. I glanced toward the hallway. “Do you mind if I . . .?”

  He shrugged. “Go ahead. You remember where the bedroom is, don’t you?”

  I ignored the passive-aggressive jab and asked, “How’s your nose?”

  “Peachy.”

  I opened the hallway closet and reached up to pull down a suitcase.

  “That one’s mine,” he said. I paused with my hands wrapped around the handle until he said, “Never mind. Just take it.”

  I struggled to pull it from the shelf and caught it just as it was about to fall. I wheeled it into the bedroom and started packing for the weekend, adding in some of my favorite things I’d left behind.

  “Where’d you get this?” I heard close at my back.

  I jumped, twisting to find Bill right behind me. He ran a finger down the side of my dress.

  I stepped away. “It’s Gretchen’s,” I lied, remembering how he’d called me a whore to David.

  Bill cocked his head, seemingly amused. “You look nervous. What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing,” I said, but my heart rate escalated. I was worried that he might try to kiss me again. He was so close that I smelled the mingling of alcohol and cigarettes on his breath.

  “I like it,” he said. “You coming from a date, or did you dress up to see me?”

  Fuck. He wasn’t going to make this easy on me. Maybe it wasn’t fair to show up late at night in a dress like this, asking for my things. But taking the nice route with Bill hadn’t worked, either. He’d lied to me, taken advantage of my vulnerability, and had prompted a fight—and now a rift—between David and me.

  Maybe that had always been his plan. “Don’t touch me,” I said.

  “Relax,” he said, withdrawing with a chuckle. “I’m not interested in sloppy seconds. Or would that make you sloppy thirds?”

  He turned and walked away. I glanced around the room. He’d made the bed. Tidied up. He’d put our wedding picture facedown, though.

  I packed a few more things in the suitcase and rolled it through the living room. Bill watched as I crossed in front of the television and set the luggage by the door.

  Bill may have kept things in order as our life together fell apart, but I worried about whether he was taking care of himself. I walked back to the couch, sat, and faced him.

  “What?” he asked.

  I gestured to a full ashtray on the coffee table. “You’re smoking again.”

  “It makes me feel better,” he said with an almost childlike look of innocence.

  I appreciated his honesty. “I thought about everything you said yesterday,” I told him.

  His face turned uneasy. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. You’re right about some things. David’s got a past. I’m the one giving up everything. And there’s no way I can possibly know how things will turn out with him. Honestly, I’m not sure of much anymore.”

  Bill rested his elbows on his knees as he rubbed his chin. “Then come back, Olivia. I know I said some things, but I didn’t . . . what I said just now about sloppy thirds, I didn’t mean that. I’m just angry. We can go to counseling. We can make this work.”

  I inhaled back tears and looked at my hands. I wished I wouldn’t think of David in that moment, because I wanted a clear head. I wanted to know that my decisions were free of the spell he held over me. “You lied to me about Dani and David.”

  He nodded and looked at the floor. “I didn’t know how else to get you to see the truth about him.”

  “But that’s not the truth,” I pointed out. “It was a lie.”

  “It could have been the truth. Easily.”

  I leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. I lingered there with my lips pressed against his face, squeezing my eyes closed. A tear escaped and slid between us. “I’m sorry, Bill,” I whispered. I pulled back to look at his profile. “I love you, and I know you love me, but I shouldn’t have said yes. We’re not right for each other, and I’m not sure we ever were.”

  He stared at the TV, unresponsive. Finally, he said, “You regret marrying me?”

  “No. But you deserve someone who has zero doubts about you. She’s out there.”

  Hi jaw worked back and forth. “Don’t give me that patronizing bullshit.”

  I inhaled a breath. That was fair. If he didn’t want me to be gentle, then I’d be direct. “It’s over, Bill. I don’t know what will happen with David, but regardless—you and I are over. For good. I’m sorry.”

  “You cheated on me, Liv,” he said, still looking forward. “I can’t just let that slide. I care about you, but I won’t let you take me for a fool twice.”

  I saw his threat for what it was. I’d caused this divorce. He’d make it even uglier. “Fine,” I said, looking at my hands. “We’ll settle it in court if it comes to that.”

  “It’ll come to that. You better find a good lawyer.” He stood and looked down at me. “I think you should leave.”

  * * *

  Back at David’s, I pulled my hair down immediately and wiped off my lipstick. I texted him that I was home, hoping he’d be too preoccupied to notice how long it’d taken me. I asked about Alex, but by the ti
me I’d changed and finished my nightly routine, I still hadn’t heard back.

  In his bed, alone, I played the night back in my head.

  “Just admit that you’re fucking afraid and that I’m not worth taking the risk for.”

  It gutted me that he thought that. That he’d gone so far to get me, and that I might lose him because I’d conditioned myself not to give anyone what he demanded from me. Everything. He wanted all of me. And he wanted it now, even though I was still learning what a real relationship looked like. How could anyone not find that terrifying?

  I knew better than anyone that David’s detached demeanor and his short words were a defense mechanism, but one word had been noticeably absent during our good-bye tonight. Didn’t he love me still? Why didn’t he say it? Why didn’t I finally say it? I loved him, and I wanted to tell him, but he’d told me tonight I had to show him my love, and I had to mean it. Whatever fears I had about not being enough for him, about him one day leaving, about how he’d react to my doubts about starting a family—I had to find a way to let go of all of that or I’d lose him before I’d even really had him.

  I wrapped the comforter around myself and shivered. It was cold. He was cold, and I was cold. As my lids fell, I wondered what it would take to get warm again.

  I still hadn’t heard from David by the time I’d left for my flight the next morning. At the Dallas/Fort Worth airport, my father greeted me at the curb with a big, comforting hug. Seeing him again, I realized how much I needed to talk to someone who could help me see everything clearly. My dad’s businessman sensibilities, plus his soft spot for me and my wellbeing, made him the perfect person for that.

  He held me at arm’s length as I looked him over, too. His hair had almost turned completely charcoal now. “You look skinny,” he said.

  “I know, but I’m starting to put weight back on,” I promised.

  He grunted and took my luggage. As he loaded it in his trunk, I double-checked that my phone had resumed cellular service since deplaning. Still no word from David. I wished I had Jessa’s number so I could check in.

  I texted him one more time.

  Me: I know you’re upset with me, but please just let me know if Alex is okay.

  My dad drove me straight to the clubhouse at his golf course and ordered enough food to cover the table.

  With concern etched in his face, he listened to an abbreviated version of the last month. I told him that the night before, I’d gone to Bill’s and had ended it once and for all.

  Sitting rigidly straight after we’d eaten, he sipped his signature whiskey on the rocks. “I can’t say I ever thought Bill was good enough for you.”

  “I sort of guessed that,” I said. “You weren’t great at hiding it.”

  “I didn’t want to interfere, but I’m glad you figured it out.”

  The waitress brought my dad a second whiskey on the rocks he hadn’t even ordered and refilled my iced tea. “Can I get you anything else?”

  “No, thanks, sugar,” Dad said.

  “No problem, Mr. Germaine,” she said and cleared our plates before walking away.

  Dad shook out his napkin and tossed it on the tablecloth. “So I thought the point of this trip was to introduce me to the new guy. I don’t see him here.” He smiled a little. “He afraid of your old man?”

  Afraid? When I’d brought up the idea of introducing them, David had nearly jumped at the chance. “He had a family emergency, and . . .” I played with the lemon slice that had come in my iced tea. “Well, honestly, we’re still figuring things out.”

  “You don’t seem too thrilled, kid. Concerns me.” My father sighed. “Frankly, I don’t want you jumping from one unhappy relationship to another.”

  “It’s not that David doesn’t make me happy,” I said. “It’s that he makes me sublimely happy.”

  He looked me up and down. “Not sure what that means.”

  “He’s wonderful,” I said, but I couldn’t exactly explain why to my dad. Somehow, I doubted waxing poetic over David’s gorgeousness combined with his limitless patience, borderline obsessiveness, and sheer tenacity to steal me from my husband would go over well. So I spoke to my dad in a language he understood. “David’s very successful—one of Chicago’s best architects, in fact.”

  “That so?” He perked up. “Then he has to be smart, and I like that. Regardless, it all feels very fast, Olivia. I wouldn’t expect you to leave your husband unless you were in love, but since I’ve never even heard of this guy until now, I don’t see how that can be.”

  That was because he hadn’t met David. It could be. It could definitely be. It would be harder for a woman not to fall in love with him.

  I didn’t really have an answer, so I said, “I think you’d really like him.”

  “I’d say he has the advantage after Bill.”

  I half-rolled my eyes. “Bill’s not that bad.”

  “As a person, no, but he doesn’t make you ‘sublimely’ happy. You settled with him.”

  Apparently, I was the last to admit that. I changed the subject, though I wasn’t sure why, since this topic would be worse. “Mom has temporarily disowned me,” I informed him.

  He laughed lightly. “Of that I have no doubt. I’m sure she said you were your father’s daughter.”

  “In so many words. But I’m not you, Dad. I cheated on Bill. There’s no way around it. David and I started things months ago. And it’s hard for me to admit that to you,” I said, swallowing, “because I know you’re disappointed. But I’m the bad guy here. Not Bill.”

  “I’m not disappointed,” he said simply, picking up his whiskey.

  “Yes, you are,” I said, sitting back in my seat. “And you should be.”

  “Olivia, you are my daughter. How can I be disappointed when I’m guilty of the same sins?” The one large ice cube in his glass clinked against the sides. “I guess now’s as good a time as any to tell you this. Your mom wasn’t completely wrong. Gina and I were together while I was still married to your mother.”

  Time seemed to slow as my mind filtered through his words. “But Gina was your client,” I said.

  “At first, yes. Then, she was more than that. She became a solace from Leanore, a confidante, and one day . . .”

  I stopped listening. The restaurant suddenly became very loud with the ting of silverware and people talking at unnaturally high volumes. Light poured through the windows, unbearably bright. I stared at my dad, the man I’d not only looked up to my whole life, but whom I’d idolized. And I’d chosen to believe him over my mother. All these years, she’d tried to tell me, but I’d shut her out.

  “Now, don’t give me that look. You look like a damn frightened owl,” Dad said. “I have no regrets about what I did.”

  No regrets? None? Bill had asked me the night before whether I’d regretted marrying him, and I hadn’t needed to think too hard about it. Maybe he regretted marrying me, but I appreciated the life we’d had, even knowing it was over. “How is it possible. . .” I exhaled. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “You were so broken up about the divorce. I didn’t want to make things worse for you.” Dad pulled on his chin. “Frankly, I was afraid you’d get so upset that you’d ask to live with her instead of me.”

  “Don’t you think I should’ve been able to decide that for myself?” I asked, my temper rising.

  He shook his head but didn’t speak.

  “No?” I asked. “You withheld important information, Dad. Did Mom see something the day she found Gina at your office? That was when she started to really change.”

  “Nah,” he said. “Leanore just had that sixth sense you women seem to possess about these things.”

  I put my elbows on the table and rubbed the inside corners of my eyes. “Why are you telling me this now?”

  “Because sometimes we make mistakes, and we learn from them. I want you to learn from my mistakes. Then again, Liv, it can turn out they weren’t mistakes at all.”

  “Cheat
ing on Mom wasn’t a mistake?” I asked.

  “I’m not proud of it. I wish I could say I’d go back and undo it, but that’d be a lie.”

  I drew back at his unapologetic frankness. “But . . . Mom told me she wanted me to live with her. Why’d she give up fighting for custody if you’d been unfaithful? Wouldn’t she have had a real chance at winning?”

  “She put her own daughter in the hospital. And who do you think paid her lawyer’s fees?” He frowned. “I didn’t want to leave her destitute, but I wasn’t going to let her anywhere near you before you turned eighteen. As a guarantee, we settled on a much higher alimony if she didn’t pursue it.”

  Blood drained from my face. “You paid her not to fight for custody?”

  “She accepted more money to stop fighting for you. Without hesitation. Think about that. Like I said, I don’t regret it.” He rested his ankle over one knee. “Your mother couldn’t care for you the way I could, sugar—financially or otherwise. I hate to think how you would’ve turned out if she’d had her way.”

  My mother didn’t actually want me very much. Not more than money. I’d suspected all along, but it’d been just another feeling I’d tried to ignore. Now, I knew it was true. She didn’t have it in her to care for me the way a mother should. Her only daughter. Many times growing up, before Dad and I had left, I’d had the vague sense that she loved him more than me and that I’d taken a piece of him away from her.

  She was cold, like me, but hot and fiery only when it suited her. Dad had done his best to protect me, but it seemed I’d turned out like her anyway, just like Bill had said. But she hadn’t been completely crazy as I’d accused. And my dad? He’d cheated. Worse, he’d lied—to me of all people. My rock. My idol.

  “Olivia?” Dad asked, peering at me.

  I met his concerned stare. “Did you love her?”

  “Your mother? Very much, but her anger and jealousy became so difficult toward the end. Gina came along, and she was so easy—well, at first. But that night . . . the night in the hospital? I almost died of regret for not getting you out of Leanore’s grips earlier. And for putting you through that. From that moment on, I was done with Leanore. For good. Gina was there with me the whole way.”