Her Love and Regrets (Book I)

by Chevelle Allen

  “And what will you do if he pushes up on you?” Kelly asked.

  “I don’t see that happening. The one thing that I know about Michael Josey is he has never pushed me. He always gave me the space I needed to…” she couldn’t finish the sentence.

  “Needed to…what?” Monica asked.

  After a considerable pause she answered, “He always gave me the space to… to deal with the shit in my own head.”

  “Wow…I don’t even know what to say about that, J. Maybe you’ve been spending too much time trying to figure things out in your head. It might be time to let your heart take over.” Kelly finished off her champagne before signaling for the attendant to refill them all.

  Janine considered her friends’ words carefully knowing full well she couldn’t reach a decision on the matter. She didn’t want to interfere with his life but deep down she desperately wanted to talk to him again. It had been too long and she missed him. In spite of her feelings, she knew finding the nerve and the opportunity were challenges unto themselves.

  Given the expense of it all, the wedding rehearsal was a gathering of about forty people. Kelly’s sister Claire was serving as matron of honor with Monica and Janine as bridesmaids. Jason’s business partner was best man and his brothers served as groomsmen. The wedding was going to be an interesting Protestant/Jewish/Black hybrid that was fairly common in Manhattan with Kelly and Jason breaking a glass and jumping a broom at the final vows.

  Once the rehearsal concluded, guests were invited to dance, drink and socialize. They all headed across the hall from the ballroom to a smaller dining room large enough to accommodate banquet tables, a band and a small dance floor. Aside from family members, other dinner guests included Jamal and his wife Denise; Michael and his girlfriend Christine; and Dave and his wife Amber. Monica’s partner Jasmine was waiting and Janine joined them at their table.

  Janine decided it was best to bite the bullet and introduce herself to Christine as one of Michael’s friends from law school. As she approached them, she couldn’t help notice how striking she was. Everything about her seemed flawless—the way she stood with an aura of sexuality that seemed to exude from her every pore; how perfectly laid her hair was as soft ringlets framed her oval face; and those stunning broad almond eyes that were just a shade lighter than her tawny skin. She was lean and toned with perfect musculature in her lower legs and arms. This woman didn’t seem to have a stray ounce of fat on her entire body. Of course she’s perfect! Janine thought. She gave Michael a friendly hug then immediately introduced herself to Christine.

  In addition to being beautiful, it was fairly evident Christine was polished and intelligent. As they chatted, Janine learned she was a graduate of a prestigious women’s college working as a marketing professional for the fashion industry. She also learned they had been together for almost two years. She seemed an appropriate match for him. Despite the relative brevity of their encounter, Janine was convinced if he loved this woman enough to marry her—then that’s what he should do. She wasn’t about to interfere with their happiness. She politely excused herself from their company and found Dave sitting alone at their table.

  Dave’s wife complained of a migraine and headed back to their room. As the liquor flowed freely, Janine and Dave found themselves in a corner chatting away while others enjoyed the festivities and the eclectic music played by the band.

  “So, what do you think of Miss Christine Morgan?” Dave asked.

  “She seems right for him. Damn near perfect.”

  “Have you talked to him yet?”

  “Yeah, I was just talking to them.”

  “No. I mean have you found a minute to talk with him privately?”

  “No. There really isn’t a lot to say. He looks great—he always does. And he seems really happy with her, so I’m happy for him.”

  “Are you okay?” he asked leaning in trying to make eye contact with her.

  “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  “Don’t play me, Janine. I mean, are you okay with Mike being here with his girl?”

  She turned to him and said, “Operative words, his girl. Is it true he’s getting married?”

  “Mike says that’s what she wants.”

  She chose to ignore the potency of his deliberate choice of words. Looking him squarely in the eyes she asked, “Why didn’t you tell me when we talked last month?”

  “I’m sorry but it wasn’t my place. But I figured Kelly would say something.”

  She smiled faintly. “It’s okay. Dance with me!”

  Dave led her to the floor not far from where Michael and Christine were dancing. Christine’s arms dangled over Michael’s shoulders as they swayed to the rhythm of the song. Janine’s focus kept shifting from Dave to them because they were a striking couple. As the music came to a stop, Michael leaned in and whispered something in Christine’s ear. She kissed him on the cheek before heading back to their table.

  Michael turned unexpectedly to Janine saying, “Next dance?”

  Dave couldn’t exit the dance floor fast enough leaving Janine facing his outstretched hand.

  “Sure. Why not?” Her emotions began to rise further to the surface and she prayed her face didn’t reflect it. “Christine seems like a wonderful woman, Michael.”

  “She is,” he said.

  “Then this might not be a good idea. I don’t want any drama with…”

  “No drama. Just a dance between friends, right?”

  “Right, just a dance with…a friend. Is that what she thinks I am?” She tried to make as little eye contact with him as possible.

  He moved in closer as the slower music began to play. She hated he had such a profound effect on her. My God, he smells so good she thought. She also couldn’t help but notice that he’d kept in shape with firm shoulders and biceps just as she remembered.

  “How’ve you been?” he asked.

  “You didn’t answer me,” she said ignoring his question.

  “I don’t have a word to describe what you are to me.”

  “So she doesn’t know we were…close?”

  “It’s not that kind of party with Christine.”

  Janine wasn’t sure how to take the reference. For the first time during their dance, she looked up at him searching his eyes for illumination.

  “I hear you’re considering marrying her.”

  “It’s been discussed,” he said flatly.

  “If that’s what you want, then I’m happy for you.”

  He leaned in a little closer and she felt his warm breath on her ear and neck as he spoke. “I’ve missed you, Janine.”

  “Your girlfriend probably wouldn’t like to hear you say that,” she whispered back.

  “I’ve missed you,” he repeated.

  “Don’t say that.” She wasn’t angry, just hopeless in the reality of it all. “I’m not going to do this with you. I can’t…thanks for the dance.” As she tried to pull away, he wouldn’t release her from his grasp.

  “Let’s just finish the dance,” he said.

  Finally daring to meet his eyes again, she nodded acceptance of his proposal. As they danced together, the closeness of their bodies— his hands lightly touching her waist and the way he looked at her—confirmed that no matter the circumstance, a part of them belonged to the other. It was a sad and divine realization.

  She ended the dance just a few moments before the last measure played making her departure appear less abrupt than it felt. Heading towards her table, she looked for Dave but he was dancing with one of Jason’s female relatives. The other table guests were dancing or mingling, but Monica and Jasmine sat huddled close together looking content and deeply in love. She sat down, caught the eye of a server and motioned for her wine glass to be refilled.

  “Guess what?” Monica started.

  “What?” Janine asked trying to recover.

  “Dave and Jamal are talking about heading to a bar after this. No spouses or significant others...just our crew. And you know…ta
lk…just catch up.”

  With the most polite smile she could manage, she said, “I’m not sure I’m up for that, Monica.”

  “Given our little chat at the spa earlier today, and that dance I just saw, I can only guess why you think that. Because that? Looked a little intense to me.”

  “It wasn’t really. He just asked me how I was…said something about missing me.”

  “You’re lying your ass off and you know it, Janine! Are you okay?”

  “Okay, truthfully, I’m never okay when he’s around. And I’m a little tired of you all asking me that question.”

  “Then deal with it. Deal with him—whatever that means to you.”

  “Clearly, I still can’t do that,” Janine confessed. “I feel like a fucking teenager!”

  “Maybe a little more liquor will loosen you up! Come out with us,” Monica pleaded.

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  “It’ll be good for you. Just talk to him. Get your closure…get your man…whatever it is, just do it. You can’t keep pining for something that may not be more than memories you’re holding on to. But if it’s still there, don’t waste this chance to make it right.”

  Too much had happened between them over the years—things she hadn’t shared with Monica or Kelly. As the evening came to an end, Janine opted to go back to her room instead of joining them. She did so knowing her decision meant she was finally letting him go. She’d convinced herself it was the right thing to do.

  CHAPTER 6

  With the work week behind her and the trip just a few days out, Janine found the flood of memories rarely subsided. Rather than suppress feelings or punish herself, she finally opted to embrace them in their fullness. The freedom she gave herself with that simple decision turned her angst into anticipation. She had no illusions anything would happen between them. She just wanted to see Michael again. She needed to.

  In her normal fashion, she began packing for the trip. She scoured her closet, realizing she had very little that was appropriate for “fun in the sun.” Her wardrobe was primarily business suits and blouses that were generally picked out for her by the personal stylist at Sak’s Fifth Avenue. She’d go in twice per year and the stylist would have a number of selections ready for her to try on. She’d make her selections, be measured again, the clothes would be tailored and she’d pick them up two weeks later. That’s how it had been for years, a habit she picked up in Chicago. As she combed her dresser, she realized that she didn’t have much casual wear either, save her workout gear. “Pathetic!” she said to herself with a little snort.

  She thought about making a call to see if the stylist was available, but instead she opted to go it alone and head to the mall. She grabbed her car keys and headed out. She hadn’t been in a mall in years. The thought caused her bursts of laughter that she was certain confused other drivers passing her. She was in a good mood and she felt relaxed. As she pulled into the parking lot, she opted for a space further away from the entry. She had too much experience with dinged doors and dented bumpers over the years from other drivers too inconsiderate to even leave a note of apology.

  Carrying only a small wristlet purse, she walked towards the mall entry. Upon entering the large doors she found the place bustling with people. She had almost forgotten how loud malls could be: the crying babies and fussy toddlers; twitchy teenagers walking and flirting and couples arguing over how long it all was taking. Janine also noticed people using the mall like an indoor track walking at astonishing paces getting in their exercise. She took it all in as she tried to decide which direction to go. She considered stopping at the information kiosk for a map, but thought does everything you do have to have a plan?

  As she rounded the first corner, two jewelry stores were adjacent to one another and she noticed a couple walk from one to the other. She was certain the two competitors had managed their merchandise in such a way that was mutually beneficial to both—hell, they might actually be under the same corporate entity. Such was the case for several of the clothing stores, why not jewelry stores? As she made her way down the first corridor, she noted the anchor store at the other end. It was one where she shopped frequently when she was in law school and early in her career. It had stylish, fairly durable clothing and she could afford it at the time.

  What a difference fifteen years had made, where her least expensive dress shoes were in the $300 range. She used to be quite proud of herself when she bought several outfits for that same sum years before. Casually strolling along, she stopped at a lingerie store with bins full of lace panties marked down to three pair for $25. Another bin had lace bras none of which could cover let alone support a fuller-busted woman like her. Continuing to browse, she made her way to the more expensive items at the back of the store carefully looking through the selections. While very pretty, when she touched them, the fabrics were a bit thicker and less soft than what she had become accustomed to wearing. She let that thought linger for a moment, remembering such a comparison may never have been a part of her thinking had it not been for him.

  It was an early Saturday morning when Michael called inviting her to join him on a little shopping adventure. He wanted to pick up a gift for his mother’s birthday. Since it was going to be in a few days, he wanted enough time to purchase the gift and have it shipped in time. Janine felt the break could be fun. She also surmised it might give her an opportunity to see what kind of taste he had when it came to shopping for his mother. He didn’t talk much about his parents and when he did, she presumed there was some strain between them. All she really knew was they lived near The Plains, Virginia—a fairly exclusive enclave outside of D.C.

  She watched from her window as Michael pulled into the parking lot in front of her apartment building. She picked up her jacket, purse and keys and headed out the door to greet him. She met him at the first floor landing as he was making his way up.

  “Hey! I was coming up to get you.”

  “I know, but I figured I’d just come down.”

  He took her hand and together they walked back to his car. He opened the door for her, letting her get in and get adjusted before closing it. Returning to his side of the car, he leaned over taking hold of the back of her neck drawing her close and kissed her before putting on his seatbelt. His kisses were luscious and soft and she lingered in them.

  Few of their kisses were little pecks, but he withdrew from her, smiled and said, “Hmmm, I think we need to get going otherwise this could escalate quickly.”

  Janine gave him devilish grin. “Well, we haven’t done it in your car…could be fun.”

  It appeared as though he considered her offer but decided better, saying “Later. I need to shop. But definitely later.” With that, he started the car and they were off on this new adventure.

  She wasn’t sure where they were heading, but within twenty minutes or so, they pulled into the lot of Nordstrom’s. She was a little surprised this is where he chose to shop for his mother. But the more she considered it, it all made perfectly good sense. His mother wasn’t likely the kind of woman accustomed to getting a blender for her birthday. Janine had only been in the store once out of curiosity knowing full well there was very little in there she could afford—even if it was on sale.

  As they exited the car, he came around to open the door for her. She had grown accustomed to his manners, appreciating the care and attention he gave her. Even after a year of dating, he still did little things like opening doors, not out of habit but rather because he genuinely enjoyed doing for it for her—taking care of her. Once again, he took hold of her hand walking and guiding her with effortlessness that was endearing.

  When they entered the store, they headed to the perfume counter and he began browsing the selections. A counter clerk approached them with a hint of skepticism on her face especially when he stopped at the Chanel offerings.

  “May I help you?” the clerk asked.

  “Yes, I’d like to sample the Chanel No.5, please,” he sai
d.

  “Certainly.” She reached down and produced a small white strip and handed it to him. He took the strip and waved it lightly about two inches from his nose.

  He then turned to Janine. “What do you think?”

  She inhaled and responded, “It’s a little strong for me. But if it’s something you think your mother would like, then get it.”

  He then asked the clerk for a sample of the latest Versace blend and the little ritual repeated at least three times with different fragrances. Janine was less adverse to the latest particular scent, “That’s much nicer. I think she might like that. Not overbearing at all.”

  With a slight tilt of his head he said, “It’s not for her. My mother wears personalized fragrances from a perfumery in New York.” The clerk was just as surprised by his comment as she was.

  “Really?” Another piece of the puzzle, Janine thought. “Then who is this for?”

  “You. I want to get a sense of the scents that appeal to you.”

  “You know I don’t wear perfume.”

  “I know, but you might like it. We just have to find the right scent for you.”

  “Where in the world would I wear perfume?”

  He gave her his sly and sexy smirk before turning back to the clerk. “Do you have anything with a subtle earthy or light floral base?”

  With a hint of delight on her face, the clerk said, “If you’re looking for something with a nice floral hint, might I suggest Clive Christian’s No.1?” She reached for another scent strip, dabbed it and handed it to Michael.

  “Yes…this is very nice. Janine?” He handed it to her and she found the scent delightfully intoxicating.

  “I really like that!” she said with an almost schoolgirl enthusiasm.

  Turning to the clerk he said, “I’ll take it.” He reached for his wallet pulling out a platinum card and handed it to the clerk along with his ID.

  “How much is it?” Janine asked.