Her Love and Regrets (Book I)

by Chevelle Allen

  When her phone rang, it startled her a little. She glanced at the clock before picking it up. After the third or fourth ring, she answered.

  “Hello.”

  “Hi. Sorry again for being late.”

  She was a little perplexed, “Again? What do you mean?”

  “I left you a text message about an hour ago letting you know I’d be running a little late for our call.”

  “Oh…Ok. I didn’t get the message. I didn’t check my cell phone when I got home,” she said as reaching for her purse to check it for his message. Sure enough there it was:

  J- sorry, running late. I’ll call you @home

  “I was a little concerned when you didn’t answer. Are you home now or are you still out?”

  “Just walked in the door.”

  “Do you need a little time to unwind?”

  “No, I’m good. You may hear me moving around a bit, but this is as good a time as any.” Per usual, he sounded calm even if he was a little winded. “So what’s going on?”

  “Well…like I said yesterday I really wanted to talk to you.” The wine had kept her relaxed even though she really had no idea exactly how to frame this conversation.

  “What do you want to talk about?”

  “I’m not sure where to begin really. Maybe I’ll just start by saying when Monica first called me about the trip, I wasn’t sure I wanted to go.”

  “Why is that?”

  She suspected he already knew the answer. He just wanted her to say it. Even though they had been apart for years, the core of who he was hadn’t changed that much. He was analytical, thoughtful and very observant, especially when it came to her.

  “Because you were going to be there,” she admitted. “As much as I wanted to see you, I just wasn’t sure how it would be between us.”

  “But you came anyway.”

  “Yes.”

  “Why did you decide to do that?”

  “Truthfully?”

  “You called me, Janine…so yes, the truth.”

  He was very matter of fact and if she didn’t know better, she also heard a hint of impatience in his tone.

  She swallowed hard before letting her words flow. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you and our time together-even when I tried to push the memories away.”

  “Well, that would be about right—you pushing me away.”

  There was a long pause between them. He clearly wasn’t making the conversation easy for her at all. She was feeling conflicted even considering ending the call—but that was the problem. She promised herself she would see it to the end—no matter the outcome. She had to deal with him and the rest of her insecurities in the process.

  “That was fair…I guess I deserve that.” Taking her time to find the right words to accompany the thought forming in her head, she continued, “You’re angry and you have every right to be.”

  “I’m not angry...frustrated maybe, but not angry. I’ve been through this drill before with you.” There was an edge to his voice that felt harsh and unforgiving.

  “What do you mean by that?”

  “When we reconnected four years ago after the conference, I thought maybe we could get it right. But then you were gone…again.”

  Janine blamed herself for a lot of things that happened in their relationship, but this assertion was not something she felt full responsibility for and she let him know.

  “That’s not fair and you know it! I had been at the Foundation for a year. I was traveling a lot. I was trying to get my bearings and I told you what was going on. I even tried to arrange to meet you when I came to the east coast. But as I recall, you couldn’t do that because of what was happening at your firm. What did you want me to do? Leave my job?”

  “I didn’t ask you to leave your job! But clearly you couldn’t make time for us. So there was no use calling.”

  “Then YOU own that! I’ve carried enough of my own shit about my decisions when it came to us,” she said emphatically. The last thing she wanted to do was argue with him so she decided to cut to the chase. “Michael, I love you! And you know what? I wish I didn’t because my life would be so much simpler. But it is what it is. I can’t run from that anymore. I don’t want to. And there is no sense in arguing over what did or didn’t happen anymore.”

  She heard him take a deep breath followed by ‘hmph.’ It sounded as if he was moving around before settling himself.

  “Is there anything else you need to say?” he said flatly.

  Regaining her composure she said, “Yes. You said something that stuck out during our talk in the bungalow. I need to understand what you meant.”

  “I thought I was pretty clear.” Again, his words felt far harsher than they sounded and she was certain it was deliberate.

  She exhaled slowly. “You said you couldn’t wait anymore for me to be ready. Have you been waiting for me?”

  There it was, the one thing she needed to understand more than anything else said between them. There was a long uncomfortable pause before he spoke.

  “Yes. On some level I was but I can’t do it anymore. It’s fucking exhausting.”

  In his own way, he was waiting for her to choose him. All at once she felt relieved by his revelation and her voice softened as she spoke from deep within.

  “Michael I told you, I can’t take back anything I’ve done. But God knows I do love you and yeah…I’ve been running from that for years. But I’m here. I want you. I know I don’t have any right to say that anymore—but I do. I want us.”

  He sighed and was very silent for what seemed an inordinate amount of time. Janine sat silent with him, giving him the space he needed to absorb what she said.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t believe you. We keep doing this…thing and it always ends up the same. You leave... and I can’t…”

  “You told me that you loved me. But do still want me?” she asked praying he’d be honest with her.

  “Yes.”

  “That’s all I want to know.”

  CHAPTER 32

  Over the course of the next several weeks, they talked more regularly. Their conversations were full of remembrances of better times between them. They even talked in greater detail about the impact of the visit to his parents’ home. She shared how devastated she was and all the feelings of rejection she felt at that time. He talked more about his relationship with them and how the relationship improved over the years. But mostly they talked about the ordinary things—their jobs, their friends and life in general.

  The most wonderful thing about their chats was they started to laugh again. Janine relished those moments, because she loved to hear him laugh. Michael’s laugh was deep and a bit throaty as it moved from short exhalations to breathless gasps that came from deep within. Even though she couldn’t see him, she remembered well how much laughter softened all his features, broadened his smile and made his eyes sparkle.

  Watching the evening news over a light dinner, she considered calling him but decided against it. Assuming he had other plans, she didn’t want to intrude on whatever he might be doing. They had already made plans to speak the following night and she was very much looking forward to it. There was certainly less anxiety between them than in their initial calls. Nonetheless, their status was still in progress. She didn’t want to overstep or move prematurely.

  Having finished her meal, she put her dishes into the dishwasher and poured herself a glass of water. She returned to the couch scrolling through TV selections of upcoming shows. She was glad she had a quiet evening, because her travel schedule was about to get insane again as she made jaunts across the country making all of the seven figure gift presentations.

  She settled on a science documentary about cosmic arrays and the continuing expansion of the universe. Pretty heady stuff, but she liked to mix up her TV watching from ridiculous reality shows or network comedies to great cable dramas and documentaries. As she stretched out on the couch, her phone rang. She was a little annoyed thinking it could only be
a telemarketer but pleasantly surprised when she saw Michael was calling. She was delighted to hear from him and it certainly resonated in her voice.

  “Hi!”

  “How are you?”

  “I’m good. This is a nice surprise. I wasn’t expecting to hear from you until tomorrow.”

  “Did I catch you at a bad time?”

  “Not at all. I’m just sitting here watching a documentary and relaxing a bit. It’s been a crazy week. Like I told you, this is one of the few weekends I have free for a while.”

  “Oh, right. The check presentations.”

  “Yep.”

  “Where are you headed again?”

  “I’m going to Pittsburg to present a check for the hospital’s new geriatric center, meetings in New York then to Philly for that fantastic new program I was telling you about. I’m really excited about that one.”

  “Is the one in Philly the program that’s building affordable housing in partnership with the university and children’s museum?”

  “Yes, I can’t wait to see if this model works. The concept is brilliant really. Onsite workforce training for adults and a lovely early childhood center that uses the informal learning talents of the museum.”

  The program was the type that made her truly grateful for the work she was doing because it felt like she was really making a difference.

  “I’ve been reading about that. Sounds really promising,” he said.

  “I think so too. So I’ll be there for two days and I get a little break over next weekend. Then I’ll be heading to Raleigh and Athens, Georgia before heading back here.”

  “So what are you doing next weekend? Are you just going to hang out in Philly?”

  “That’s the plan. Why?” She really hoped he’d invite her to Washington since Philly was only two hours away.

  “Come see me.”

  Her heart felt as if would leap out of her chest, but she calmly asked, “Are you sure that’s what you want?”

  “That’s what I want.”

  “I need to check the train schedule but I’ll make it happen. I’ll let you know what time to pick me up, okay?”

  “Good.”

  Janine waited for him to say something else but he didn’t. “Should I also make arrangements for a hotel?”

  “What do you think?”

  “I don’t want to presume,” she replied rather coyly.

  “You’ll stay with me because we’re going to fuck…a lot.”

  “Now who’s being presumptuous?” she flirted.

  “I’m not presuming. That’s going happen if you come here, so be prepared.”

  Just listening to him make the pronouncement increased her heart rate and warmed her body. Her voice took on a breathier tone in anticipation of his answer. “What exactly do I need to prepare for, Michael?”

  Again he was quiet before saying, “Turn off the TV and take off your clothes.”

  “Now why do I need to do that?” She could only imagine what he had in mind for her.

  “Because I want to hear when you come, without background noise from the television.”

  “How’s that going to happen?” she asked even though sometimes just the mere sound of his voice made her horny as hell.

  “It’ll happen when you do exactly what I say. Stop being hard-headed, turn off the TV and take off your clothes.” His voice had gotten very low and far more authoritative.

  Reaching for the remote, she turned it off. She put the phone on speaker and walked across the room to close her blinds and drapes. The last thing she wanted was for her neighbors or passersby on the street to see what was about to happen. Once she felt secure and private, she took off her clothes and returned to phone.

  “I’m ready…Sir,” she whispered.

  “I like that. Take me off speaker and bring the phone to your ear.”

  “Yes, Sir.”

  She did exactly as he instructed. He told her to go to her bedroom, retrieve her largest vibrator and sit on the side of her bed. It had been a long time since anyone tried to direct her actions during any sexual act. Michael was masterful at it because he took his dominance seriously. She carefully followed his instructions as her arousal increased with each word he spoke. Not once did she feel tentative about what was happening, in fact she was eager to follow his every command.

  “I have it, Sir,” she said knowing little else she said would please him more.

  “Mmmmm.” There was that low groan of approval she loved hearing from him. “I want you to turn on the vibrator and slowly run it over the tops of your thighs…touching lightly. Move it very slowly, just above your knee and then inside your mid-thigh.”

  Janine did precisely as he instructed. Of all the things they’d experienced together, surprisingly phone sex wasn’t one of them. He told her to close her eyes and as she did, she realized how much more she liked the feeling of the device against her skin. The light pulsations created an enticing sensation on her thighs that partly tickled but also felt like someone’s inexperienced hands touching her. Her breath began to quicken as she moved the device from one thigh to the other.

  “Now lie back on the bed with your knees up and your feet flat. Let the vibrator rest on your stomach, just below your navel. Keep your eyes closed,” he told her in an almost hypnotic monotone.

  The vibrator slowly moved unobstructed across her lower abdomen. The unexpected movements created a strange sense of anticipation. She writhed a bit when she thought it was about to fall off. As she adjusted to catch it, her movement caused it to slide between her legs touching her folds.

  She sighed deeply and said, “I’m sorry, Sir. It fell between my legs. What do you want me to do?”

  “I want you to keep your feet flat and squeeze your thighs around it.”

  By squeezing her thighs, the vibrator seemed to move more aggressively against her folds making contact with her clit. She let out a deep moan. The more she squeezed her thighs, the more intense the vibrator felt. In a strange way, the muffled sound of the device seemed to resemble his moans. Janine felt her orgasm rising and she wasn’t sure she was ready for it to happen. But it felt amazing and she let the feelings wash over her, embracing every sensation.

  As her breathing and moaning escalated she cried out, “Sir, please! I can’t hold it…”

  “Not yet, Baby…hold on.”

  “I don’t think I can…Oh God…”

  “Not yet. Open your legs, Janine,” he calmly instructed her.

  Her heart was still racing and she was wetter than she’d been in a very long time. As her breath slowed down, he continued.

  “Now tilt your head back and put it in your mouth and suck it to the back of your throat.”

  She eased the pulsating vibrator in her mouth. Once again, he had introduced an entirely new experience to her. As she wrapped her lips around it and moved her tongue over its rigged surfaces, she found it was almost like having someone actually fuck her mouth. It seemed to have a life of its own despite the fact she held it and used her tongue to help move it in and out. As she moved it closer to the back of her throat, she gagged a little at first until she grew more accustomed to the sensation. He moaned slightly when she gagged the second time.

  “Now put it in your pussy and fuck yourself for me. Fuck yourself the way you know I’m going to fuck you.”

  The words were difficult for her to form given her state of mind and body, but she whimpered, “Yes, Sir.”

  She moved the moist vibrator slowly into her vagina and let out a loud cry of desire. She moved it slowly in and out increasing her pace with each stroke. She writhed and tilted her hips up as she pushed it deeper inside letting it linger before moving it faster, harder and as deep as she could manage. There was no controlling her orgasm now—no matter what he told her to do she was coming.

  “Oh shit!” she yelled out as the wave began to overtake her and her body shuddered.

  “Ask me. I want to hear you say it, Janine,” he said calmly.
r />   “Ugghhhhh….”

  “Say it Janine.”

  “May I come, Sir?”

  He paused, listening carefully as she neared the breaking point before approving. “Yes.”

  Without a doubt, it was one the most explosive orgasms she’d had in a very long time. Her body convulsed causing her to drop the phone, but she still heard him say, “Goodnight, Baby,” before the phone went dead.

  CHAPTER 33

  One of the highlights of her job was grant presentations. She’d visit six cities in ten days, but two of those days would be spent with Michael in Washington. She packed two gowns and three business suits with multiple blouses, scarves and other accessories allowing her to change her look. She pondered what else she should take for their time together because she wasn’t sure if the other items would suffice. She finally decided to take a pair of jeans and a few tee shirts along with one very sexy red dress and a pair of four inch spiked heels that strapped around the ankles. She certainly packed her nicer undergarments, which included silk bras, lace thongs and thigh-high silk stockings. She closed her suitcase, grabbed her tote and headed out the door to the waiting cab to the airport.

  Less than five minutes into her drive, her cell phone rang. She smiled thinking it must be Michael calling to wish her a safe trip. But as she retrieved it from her purse, she saw it was her mother calling.

  “Hi, Mom! How are you?” she said cheerfully.

  “I’m fine, Sweetie. But I was calling to see how you were doing.”