The Last Black Unicorn

by Tiffany Haddish

  Security: “Hey, you need to hang out with Mary more, she going through her divorce and stuff, and she said that you her favorite comedian, that you are so funny, she had such a good time with you. You need to come hang out with us.”

  If my sixteen-year-old self had seen that text, I would have died. Right there on the curb, dead.

  But my thirty-five-year-old self had a TV show to film! I had just got back on The Carmichael Show, so I couldn’t really hang out, I just didn’t have the time.

  So yeah: Mary J. Blige wanted me to come hang out, and I was like, “I would love to, but I don’t have the time.”

  Sorry, Mary! But for real, hit me up again when you in LA, girl. I got my Big Lots modeling money, we’ll do it right!

  Dave Chappelle

  I did a show one time (not in LA, in Ohio), and Dave Chappelle showed up to the show. When he came off stage, he was like:

  Dave: “Tiffany, you’re a genius.”

  DAVE CHAPPELLE THINKS I’M A GENIUS!

  I wasn’t about to let this moment pass by, though. I immediately hit him up.

  Tiffany: “Thank you, thank you. I’m trying to work on doing my own show, I’d love for you to be on my show.”

  Dave: “What show you trying to do?”

  Tiffany: “It’s called Judge Ratchet, and I’m the judge, and I’m taking cases that you can’t take to real court.”

  Dave: “Like what?”

  Tiffany: “Like, if somebody a dope dealer, and they lose their dope, ’cause somebody get arrested with it or whatever, and then they sue them, ’cause they want their money. They want the dope back, or they want the money back. Baby mamas tripping, just really stupid stuff, stuff you can’t take to real court.”

  Dave: “Ah, that’s genius, I’mma do it.”

  Tiffany: “Cool, perfect, when you gonna be in town?”

  Dave: “No time soon!”

  I was like, okay. At least he was nice about blowing me off.

  But now every time I run into him or I see him, he’s like, “You are so good, you’re a genius.” He’s always telling me I’m a genius, so that makes me feel good. But he didn’t ever show up.

  Dave is supposed to be all anti-Hollywood, but ain’t that about the most Hollywood thing ever—a star promising shit that they don’t deliver on? (I’m kidding, I love you Dave!)

  She Ready

  How I Knew I Made It

  I knew I made it in Hollywood when I went on The Arsenio Hall Show.

  That’s kind of a weird specific marker to be my “when I made it” story, so let me explain.

  I remember being a kid watching Arsenio. He was my idol. I remember wishing he was like my dad or my big brother or something like that. I would watch every single show, every minute of it.

  I got in so much trouble for that, too. Because it came on at eleven at night, I would sneak in the closet and watch him on my little black-and-white TV. My mom used to beat me out the closet all the time over that.

  Being a guest on his show was a dream for so long. When he went off the air in 1994, I thought I missed my shot.

  Then, in 2013, he came back on the air. I got so excited. This could be my chance to get on there, and now that I’m a working comedian, I got a real shot, right?

  Of course, I had to update my fantasy, too. Now that I’m older, maybe instead of him being my daddy, he could be my baby daddy.

  I had a friend who got booked on the show, and he invited me to go with him. I met the talent booker, and she said maybe they could use me for a few sketches. I told her she could use me to clean toilets, if it got me on the show.

  They used me to shoot this sketch called “I Married a Black Woman.” I gave 110 percent in that performance. The producers liked it, and they decided to have me come back again, and then for a third time. By the third one, I had been pitching them relentlessly on doing my stand-up, and they finally agreed to book me.

  Tiffany: “Will I finally get to meet Arsenio?”

  Producer: “Yeah, you’ll meet him, of course. On the show.”

  Tiffany: “When I meet Arsenio, I’m telling y’all right now, I’m going to jump on him and I’m going to kiss him all over his face, and I’m going to tell him that he’s my favorite and that I want to have all his babies.”

  Producer: “He already has kids. He has a son.”

  Tiffany: “Yeah, but he don’t have a full black baby, and I could give that to him.”

  Producer: “Uh . . . okay.”

  Tiffany: “And I want to tell him I used to get whippings for him. I used to get in trouble for him. I got beat out the closet for him. I want him to know this!!”

  Producer: “Okay, okay, Tiffany, you’ll meet him afterwards, no problem.”

  I was a little crazy, I know, but this was my idol growing up.

  So the day came, and I was off stage about to go on, and I heard him talking about me. He said something like:

  Arsenio: “This next comedian coming to the stage, guys, not only is she beautiful, and funny, but she’s smart.”

  I thought I was going to die right there. I swear, I was crying. There was tears coming out of my eyes. I was crying with joy.

  Producer: “You okay?”

  Tiffany: “ARSENIO SAID I WAS SMART AND BEAUTIFUL! DID YOU NOT HEAR THAT!! OH LORD THANK YOU LORD!”

  Producer: “Pull yourself together, girl! You about to go out there!”

  Tiffany: “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.”

  I mean, that was like the biggest thing in the whole wide world.

  I remember watching the video of me coming out onstage, and it looks like I was so confident and so self-assured. But inside, I was crying baby tears of joy, because Arsenio said I was smart. I did the set, and it was a great performance, but honestly, I don’t think I was mentally present for any of it. I was just so . . . I don’t know. Honestly, I was wet thinking about what he said.

  When I was done, the whole crowd was cheering and clapping, and Arsenio came over to me. In my mind, I was about to jump on him and kiss him all over his face. But he scooped me up and picked me up and held me like a baby! So I guess the producer obviously told him I was going to jump on him.

  He picked me up like a baby, and I was like, oh my God—I just started licking his face.

  I couldn’t help myself. I was so happy.

  Straight up—his face tastes just like Ovaltine. I think that they use Ovaltine for his foundation because he’s so chocolatey, I don’t know. But it tasted amazing.

  I ended up being on there seven times. I came back as a correspondent for him. I would go into the audience, and be all over the studio, doing different funny things. And people really loved it. But then the show got canceled shortly thereafter.

  That was the moment that started it all and led to everything—even this book. That was where I met Tyler Perry. He saw my “I Married a Black Woman” sketch, and he had me come in and audition. Then he hired me for a show. That led to me getting The Carmichael Show. From there, I booked movies like Keanu and Girls Trip.

  I know it came from me and my hard work, but still, Arsenio Hall gave me a platform to be able to be seen being me. And I’m so grateful to him for that. That was pretty huge.

  Oh, and it gets better!

  We went to dinner!

  We went to a late dinner, and I thought this was it. I thought this was going to be my chance. I was single right then. He was single right then. I know he old enough to be my dad, but I don’t care. I’ll help him raise his son. I’ll give him a full black baby. He was saying how he was a foodie, and hey, I like to eat food, too.

  It was a really, really great dinner, and we laughed and had an amazing time. I thought I was going to get a kiss. I thought I was going to come up on something. But no. He just said, “Let’s go out to eat again.”

  I was not aggressive with him, because I was trying not to be thirsty, like I was in high school and still am sometimes. It was real hard for me not to just blurt out: “What’s up wit
h that dick, Arsenio?”

  I wanted to, but I didn’t. I didn’t. I just told him he had very nice hands and that I loved his fingers. That’s all I said. I didn’t get too thirsty on him, though. But I sure wanted to.

  Mama

  My mom is still alive. She is in a mental institution in Riverside.

  One time she was arrested, they took her to this place in Norwalk. They were healing her. Whatever medicines they was giving her, whatever they was doing, it was like she was normal.

  I would go see her, and she was my mama. She didn’t say anything mean or try to hit me. She hugged me. She held me. We talked. I felt like I was six, seven years old again. Before the accident.

  She asked me to get her out of there, so I did. Then she stopped taking that medication, and she went right back to beating my ass and being my crazy mom again.

  She never hit any of my brothers and sisters or anything. She might cuss at them, but she didn’t hurt them. I asked her about that just recently.

  Tiffany: “Mom, why you always try to fight me, but you don’t ever try to fight my siblings?”

  Mama: “You look just like me, and I don’t like that.”

  Tiffany: “So, you’re beating yourself up?”

  Mama: “I guess so. I don’t like that you look like me, though. And you look like your ugly-ass daddy.”

  Tiffany: “Now you gotta stop saying that, Mama, ’cause he’s not ugly. He’s not ugly. I’ve seen him. He’s not ugly.”

  Mama: “Mm-hm. Maybe not to you.”

  Tiffany: “Not to you either, you opened your legs to the man for three years.”

  Then she popped me in the mouth. Dammit, I’m thirty-seven years old, still getting popped in the fucking mouth.

  My goal is to get enough money to buy a duplex. I want to put her in one of the units and hire a full-time nurse to take care of her. Then, I want to get her on whatever medications they gave her when she was in Norwalk, so she can be my mama again.

  Honestly, that’s all I really want from life.

  How to Survive and Thrive in Hollywood

  When I was hanging out with Jada in New Orleans shooting Girls Trip, I had a knockoff Michael Kors bag, and the lock fell off.

  Jada: “You need real bags, you can’t be running around here with fake bags, what kind of bag is that?”

  Tiffany: “This is my Martin Luther King bag. The lock fell off, so it’s free at last. Get it?”

  Jada: “No, I don’t get it. It’s a fake. You have to get real designer stuff. You can’t be having knockoff stuff.”

  Tiffany: “Well, that’s the kind of money I got, knockoff money, so that’s probably what kind of bag I should have, right?”

  She shook her head and laughed at me. Later that week, she decided to go back to LA for the weekend, and invited me to go with her.

  Tiffany: “That sounds fun, but how we gonna book a ticket this late? It’ll be too expensive. And I bet first class is filled up.”

  Jada: “Book a ticket? Girl, we’re taking a private jet to LA.”

  Tiffany: “Oh, I can’t. I’m not getting on no private jet.”

  Jada: “Why?”

  Tiffany: “Aaliyah. Never forget.”

  Jada: “What?”

  Tiffany: “Aaliyah, never forget! La Bamba, too.”

  Jada: “What the fuck are you talking about?”

  Tiffany: “Right when you are about to blow the fuck up, when you about to get hella super famous and have hella unlimited amounts of money, that’s when you get killed. And it’s always in a small plane. Unless there is ten white people on that flight, I cannot get on that flight.”

  Jada: “Something is wrong with your brain.”

  Tiffany: “Your husband said that to me, too.”

  When she was in LA, I posted a picture of myself on Instagram in a dress I thought was nice. Jada hit me up on text:

  Jada: “Get a better dress.”

  She sent me all these links to these designer dresses, but they’re like $500.

  Tiffany: “Jada, I feel very fly in my $85 dress.”

  Jada: “Who made it, Tiffany?”

  Tiffany: “Who cares? It look good.”

  Jada: “lol, you keep doing you, Tiffany I’ll explain when I get back.”

  She came back from LA, and she gave me this nice bag, a Givenchy. It had this huge picture of a barking dog on the side. It was mean-looking.

  Tiffany: “What’s up with the dog?”

  Jada: “Oh, I know you can’t afford security, so this should keep the mopes off you.”

  Tiffany: “Thank you, Jada, that is so sweet.”

  She left the price tag on, it was like $1200. I was like, Oh yeah! I struck gold.

  Tiffany: “Oh my God, I’m taking this right to the pawnshop, and I’m gonna get my light bill paid for the rest of the year.”

  Jada: “You cannot do that, that’s bad luck.”

  Tiffany: “What are you talking about?”

  Jada: “You’ve got to use it for at least six months before you can give it away. Or sell it. That is how you have to deal with a gift.”

  Tiffany: “Oh, that’s what rich people do?”

  Jada: “Yes Tiffany . . . it’s what we do.”

  Tiffany: “Seriously though, Jada, I can’t be keeping this. This is too much.”

  Jada: “It’s fine, it’s a gift from me. And I didn’t pay for it, the designers gave it to me.”

  Tiffany: “Oh you got it free? Is that how you so rich, you get all this expensive shit for free?”

  She started laughing at me.

  Tiffany: “But seriously, I can’t have this. My philosophy is that if I can’t keep the amount of money in there that it costs, I shouldn’t have it. However much a bag costs, if the bag is a $300 bag, I should be able to keep $300 in it at all times, or it’s too expensive.”

  Jada was laughing at me again.

  Jada: “Well, Tiffany, why don’t you just put $1200 in there?”

  Tiffany: “I can’t keep that much cash on me! This fake dog ain’t gonna stop robbers!”

  Jada: “Well it’s a gift, and it’s the type of nice designer bag you should have. You need to find a way to use it.”

  I thought about it, and came up with a great idea.

  Tiffany: “Okay, I’ll get a money order for $1200 in there that’s made out to myself. That way, I can always have $1200 in my bag. For myself, and can’t nobody steal it!”

  More laughing from Jada. I don’t know if she thinks my actual comedy is this funny.

  She gave me three more Givenchys and a wallet (I was calling it Gio-van-nucci for like, two weeks, ’cause I can barely read, but it’s Givenchy). She left the price tags on everything.

  Tiffany: “Why are you leaving the prices on if you got it free?”

  Jada: “So you know the value of what you’re carrying around. You got to carry yourself like you’re valuable, and you need to have valuable things. When this movie comes out, you’re going to be an A-list actress, you’ve got to think like an A-list person. This is what I was talking about in that text I sent you.”

  Tiffany: “What do you mean? I like my $85 dress.”

  Jada: “Tiffany, you want to wear designer clothes, because people are going to be seeing you, you’re gonna be in the eye of the public and they’re gonna be like, what are you wearing? If you say Chico or Ann Taylor, that’s not going to work. You need to be wearing designers. It sets you apart from everybody else and puts you in a certain class level. If you want to be considered top-notch, you need to wear top-notch type things.”

  Tiffany: “But Jada, this stuff costs money. I appreciate your gifts, I really do, but I can’t buy this myself. I have to be smart with my money, and save it. I gotta stack my chips, not spend ’em.”

  Jada: “You absolutely should be smart with your money! If it makes you feel safe to stack your chips, stack ’em. Most people in Hollywood don’t do that, that’s smart.”

  Tiffany: “I want to spend my money on things
that I think will make me more money. That’s why I’m investing in my book. And my comedy special. That’s why I buy nice hair, it’s going to make me more money if I look better, like that.”

  Jada: “That’s great, Tiffany, you do that. That’s what I’m talking about.”

  Tiffany: “OK, but what I still don’t get is what does a $1200 bag have to do with that? If I buy shit like that, I’ll be broke. I need my knockoffs, they keep me from living in my car again.”

  Jada: “Tiffany, your only two options are not either (1) spend all of your money to try and fit in, or (2) be cheap and look low-class. There are other options, girl!”

  Tiffany: “Like what? I’m not about to steal that stuff!”

  I couldn’t think of any other options from what she said, besides stealing.

  Jada: “I’ll introduce you to some people, but really, all it boils down to is using your fame to get the stuff. Designers want famous, pretty women wearing their clothes. You put yourself on Instagram wearing a $500 dress, most places will give it to you for free, or very cheap.”

  Tiffany: “Free is an option? Because I understand free, and I like that shit a lot. Free does make sense.”

  I have thought about this a lot, and the more experience I get in Hollywood, the more I think Jada is right. I definitely have a very rough mentality, a broke person’s mentality. I have a little bit of money now, but I just stack it away like a chipmunk. I don’t know how much to spend, or where, or on what. It’s cool to save, but I need to use my money in smart ways to help myself and my career.

  Now that I’ve earned my way to a new level in life, I have to do new things. I can’t be living that poor life anymore, I can’t be thinking that way. Poor mindset can work when you’re poor, but it doesn’t work well when you have a little money (I emphasize a little—I’m far from rich).

  I know this, but honestly, part of me still feels like I could end up homeless again at any point in time, and then all I’m going to have is a bag with a dog on it. And I don’t want that. I’d rather have the money.

  I want my money to make me money, but what Jada is teaching me is that how you look in Hollywood can often make you money. Opportunities in Hollywood will open up if you are sending the right signals about yourself. Fashion is part of how to send the right messages.