If I Pay Thee Not in Gold

by Piers Anthony

  “In a word, yes,” he said finally. “And I was fortunate, in the end, because my lover had a friend that she loved as dearly as a brother-and only as a brother-who was attracted as deeply to me in my female form as she was in my male form. And the fates were kind to all of us. If Faro were-perhaps as he must have been before he was sent to the arena-” He sighed again. “Or perhaps not. I call myself ‘Wara’ in my female shape, and the person that Wara loves must be as unique and special as the person Ware loves-and Faro is simply too filled with hate and bitterness toward women for him to love any woman, and Wara must beloved , Xylina.”

  She nodded; her mind understood. Perhaps at some point, her heart might, too.

  “And there is an added complication.” He coughed with that inflection that she now knew was embarrassment, and Xylina looked up from her task. “Again, there is no delicate way to put this. A demon is, in and of itself, sterile. But-” He reddened; and she felt her eyes widen in surprise, for never had she seen himflush with embarrassment before. This must be something very hard for him to say. “But-once we found-this man-you would be likely to bear children. For what he-gave to me-I would in turn be giving to you. And that is another reason why Faro is-not suitable. I do not think that you would care to bear his children.”

  It took her a moment to putthat together as well, but when she did, she flushed even redder than he, and looked away from him in confusion. He rose.

  “I think perhaps it is time for me to go,” he said, hurriedly. “Good night, Xylina. I-please think on all these things, and take your time. This decision is one that should not be made until you are very, very certain of how you feel.”

  He did not even leave by the door; he dematerialized and wafted through the wall, as if to emphasize how very inhuman he was. Human considerations simply would not apply to him.

  She sat staring into her little fire, braiding and unbraiding her hair. Her mind was in turmoil; her emotions so confused that she could not even begin to untangle them. She did not think that there was any way that she would get any sleep this night.

  It was just as well that this days journey had left her so physically exhausted-for in the end, her body decided for her. She did not even remember falling asleep-until she woke the next morning, her half-braided hair still in her hands.

  Her gold, which she had proffered-and which had not been accepted. Not quite.

  Chapter 16

  Xylina wrestled with her thoughts and her doubts all the next day, and the day after. Ware did not approach her once in all that time, except in Faro’s company. In that, he showed extraordinary sensitivity, for she was able to keep up a calm front with him when there were others present, but she might not have been able to do so had he approached her alone. The men did not seem to notice her preoccupation, or if they did, perhaps they put it down to the fact that she was tired from purely physical exertion. Pattée, too, found the walking fatiguing, so that it was easy for the men to dismiss Xylina’s distraction as that. It helped that the terrain they crossed required little in the way of thought, and that the men had no real need of leadership at the moment, for all her attention was focused inward.

  No one spoke to her unless it was absolutely necessary, a precaution urged by Ware, who feared that voices would carry for some distance out on these plains. She could have been completely alone, out in the sea of grass, and the “solitude” helped her concentration. Nothing threatened them, and there was nothing much to distract her, so she was able to examine everything as dispassionately as was possible under the circumstances. And although it was difficult to set her emotions aside and try to consider every aspect to the situation, she had long practice in reducing a problem to its component parts and dealing with them one at a time. That discipline helped her here, as well.

  So much time for concentration enabled her to set her thoughts and strengthen her resolve before she approached Ware a second time. She made certain that she had weighed all her options, and there were many. She did not want him to be able to say that she had not considered every possible aspect and complication before she decided on a course of action.

  For after all, whatever decision she made, it would be for life.

  One possibility was simply to go on as before. She might even be able to say with complete justification that her debt had been discharged; she had, after all, offered Ware what he wanted. That he had not accepted had no real bearing on the situation as read that way. She could be considered legally free of the debt, since he had not immediately accepted her offer-although she would not herself, in all honor, consider herself free. Still, there were those whowould .

  But the fact was that she could pretend that none of this had happened-that she had not even made her offer. She could complete this quest and discharge her debt with true gold, just as she had always planned. And she would be free of him, and of this disturbing emotion of love.

  Well, no. She would never really be free of it. She would always want him, and knowing that he wanted her would be sheerest torture. She could never really spend the rest of her life alone. Not now.

  The next alternative was to wait, as he said, until they got back to Mazonia and he could hunt for a suitable male. If they waited until they returned home, and together they could scour the slave-markets, looking for someone with a compatible personality….

  But that did not seem practical. Itdid seem very, very cold-blooded; as if they were looking for a pet dog, or a nice goose to roast. So what else was there?

  He had made some hints, once or twice, that there might be a man he had already considered for such a-liaison. Perhaps he did not realize that he had let such a thing slip, but Xylina had heard the tone of his voice, and she had a shrewd notion what it meant. After all, although Ware was male, he must have had a great deal of experience in knowing what “Wara” would find attractive; really, in many ways, these things would be the same for either of his aspects, incubus or succubus. In some ways he mightalways be looking for potential mates, on the chance that he would be able to find a matching pair.

  And unless she was greatly mistaken, Ware had said that he not only was born in this region, but that he continued to visit. Putting two and two together was no great feat… the man surely existed, and must be alive and living in this very realm.

  And that was what finally decided her. As Ware was no doubt already aware, the chance of finding a “matching male” for Xylina was very slim. The chances of finding two such were much smaller. Why take a chance that theremight be another of sufficient intelligence and independence?

  She decided at that moment that if such a man already existed, Ware must go to see if he could persuade that man to join them. Or rather-Wara must. That night, she made some pretense of bringing him something as he stood his watch, and once they were out of earshot of the other men, she put her proposal to him. Or rather, her supposition that this mysterious “perfect” male existed and was in this very realm.

  She walked alongside him under the stars, keeping her voice pitched low so that it would not carry. The night air was cool, and insects sang in the grasses all around them. It would be a perfect night to share their love for the first time-if what she had guessed proved to be the truth. “The other night, you kept starting to say something about a-a man for Wara, and stopped before you got very far,” she said, feeling her skin turning so hot she was surprised she didn’t glow like a fire-coal. Now that she had come to this point, she was rather surprised at how embarrassed she felt about it all. “What was it that you didn’t say? Is there a man you were thinking of somewhere out here? In this realm? I know you said before that you were born here and that you visited here fairly often; it seemed to me that if you were here a great deal you might have found this-this man who is a match for your succubus side.”

  He did not reply for a long moment, but when he did, his voice was full of surprise. “Just when I think that I know all there is about you, Xylina, you amaze me again. I had not thought I had revealed that.
Either I am far more transparent than I had thought, or you are more observant. On the whole, I am inclined to think it is the latter.”

  “Well?” she persisted, now feeling her very ears afire. “Is there such a man? And is he within reasonable distance of us? Would he consent to join us?”

  Another long silence, while off in the distance some sort of dog-pack howled at the full moon above them. It was a very mournful sound, and it made the hair on the back of her neck rise.

  “Yes, there is someone who might be suitable,” he said at last. “I have known him for several years, and he knows what I am, and my dual nature. People in this realm are more familiar with what a demon is, and what their natures are. He is a close friend, or as close a friend as a demon may have and not be a lover. And I think he may have considered this kind of a liaison himself, with me. The last time I saw him, he said something that was half in jest and half in earnest-that while he loved me as a dear male friend, he could love me better as a female friend, and he would not be loathe to do so.”

  Xylina digested that for a moment. “That sounds promising,” she ventured. “In fact, that sounds better than I had thought. Is he far from here? Could you reach him by foot-travel?”

  “Several days’ journey and all in the wrong direction,” Ware said ruefully. “Although I will grant you that I can probably dematerialize and steal some kind of mount before I have to go too far afoot. But there are other considerations. For one thing, I have not seen him for over a year. Many things could have changed in his life. He could have changed his mind. He could have found a mortal he loved and married. He could even have died; this is a violent realm, and that is quite likely, in fact. He was not the oldest son, but the oldest might have died, forcing him to consider the family before he considers his own desires.”

  “But if none of these have happened-what prevents you from offering him what you offered me?” she replied, stiffly. It was very difficult for her even to say the words, yet she did not want Ware to know that. She did not want to share him. She knew that. But if sharing him was the only way she could have him, then she would.

  “Nothing,” Ware admitted. “Nothing. Only…”

  “Then go andfind him, Ware!” she said, keeping herself from shouting by an act of great self-discipline. “Go and find him and bring him back here! Why should we wait forever to find a male, when there is one that you already want right here? That makes no sense at all!”

  “I will have to first love you,” he warned. “I will have to make the change, then go to him in female form, or he might not believe the offer is genuine. It will take time- even if I dematerialize, I cannot fly, I must move as any ordinary being can, even if I can steal a mount-it would still be better to wait until we have returned home, and we can look in the slave markets together. Such a male would be subservient to you, and a male from this realm never would be. You might not find him to your liking, even though he is to mine.”

  But now she burned with a deeper emotion than embarrassment. “No,” she said firmly. “I may die tomorrow-or the next day, or on the way back. Perhaps you are immortal, but I am not, and I do not wish to waste a single hour. And Ido wish to have your love before another hour is over! Share love with me now, and go and find this man of yours-”

  “Thesius,” Ware interjected. “His name is Thesius. And he is very, very like you.” He smiled. “Just as stubborn and willful.”

  “ThisThesius of yours, then.” She raised her head and looked at him, challengingly. If he was going to call her “stubborn” and “willful,” he was going to find out justhow stubborn she really was! “Ifyou have not changed your mind, then I will be in my tent. And Faro will not be there; I will send him elsewhere, so you need not fear betraying our secret even to him.”

  Without waiting for a reply, she turned and walked back to her tent, her back stiff, and her neck aching with the tension she tried not to show. He said nothing; she reached the circle of the camp and eventually the door of her tent without knowing whether he would come to her.

  But she unbraided her hair, conjured jasmine scent and soft, silken sheets, and waited for him by the light of a single glowstone, aching with need and anticipation. She felt as tight as a bowstring, and jumped at every little sound, thinking that he had come. Half the time she burned for him, certain that he was going to arrive at any moment, and half the time she was quite sure that he was not going to come at all.

  But in the end, he appeared with no sound whatsoever, materializing just as he had in her tiny office so many months ago. He was simply there, standing beside her bed of soft pillowy shapes and silken sheets, staring down at her with his own need naked in his eyes. Very discreet of him, she thought absently. And then, as he sank down beside her, there was no room for thought at all.

  Xylina woke as the sun peeked over the horizon, and the first birds began to sing out in the grasslands. The red light of dawn was not what woke her; it was the stirring of the body in the bed beside her. But as was her habit since beginning this quest, she woke instantly, and so he-no,she -was not able to slip out without her knowing. In fact,shehad not even awakened when Xylina herself woke.

  Her eyes widened with amazement, as the lovely eyes opened and looked deeply into hers from beneath a tangled tumble of shoulder-length black hair.

  “So,” said a gentle, husky soprano voice, a voice with just a hint of chagrin in it, “you have caught me in my other guise. I had not intended for you to see this just yet.”

  It was quite obvious why Ware had not even bothered to mention the possibility of assuming a masculine disguise when discussing how his alternate form must vanish. Tales of women posing as men to infiltrate the enemy were legion among the Mazonites, but this woman could never pull such a ruse off with any kind of success-not unless the men in question were blind and never touched her. There would be no way in which Wara could be disguised as a man. She was, in every way, a dark, exotic copy of Xylina; full-breasted, small-waisted, with long, slender legs, a sinuous curve of spine and hip, and a graceful neck that could bring only the adjective “swan-like” to mind. If Xylina had not known that this was Ware, she would never have guessed it-although she would have assumed that Wara was some land of relative. If demons had relatives. The eyes remained the same, the strange, wine-red eyes with their golden flecks-looking at her with wry amusement from a feminized version of Ware’s face. But no amount of binding or padding was going to make the succubus look like Ware.

  “So I see,” Xylina replied, and chuckled a little, despite her disappointment at discovering that some miracle had not saved them from their plight. “You are really quite pretty as a girl. Although the Mazonites wouldnot approve of the way you look, I fear.”

  “No more than they approve of you, Xylina,” Wara said, tossing her hair back, and smiling. “You and I could have been born sisters; we are certainly a match in looks.” She laughed as if at some secret joke, and then let Xylina in on it. “If circumstances were different, and we were not in such haste-or if you were not the woman I love, but some friend-I could wish that you and I could stay this way for at least a little time. We could cut quite a figure among the swains of the Lgondian city-state, for instance.” Her eyes twinkled with flirtatious amusement. “It would be great sport, and a kind I think you might enjoy, once you got used to it. In fact, we would, between the two of us, break every male heart in the city.”

  “Well I, for one, am glad we are not going to remain in this awkward set of circumstances,” Xylina replied with a touch of acidity. “After last night, and sharing my bed with you, I have to say that I prefer to see Wara aslittle as possible!”

  Wara tossed her head back and laughed throatily, and Xylina found herself oddly liking the demon all the more for beingfemale . It was, as Wara had said, rather like having an unexpected sister-she had sometimes wished for such a sister, in the long-gone days of her childhood. Wara was as attractive in her own way as Ware was. In fact, she could not imagine how any mere male could
resist the succubus.

  But she would rather have Ware, she thought stubbornly. No matter how attractive Wara was, she wanted and needed Ware. And the sooner he returned, the better pleased she would be.

  “I can understand that completely,” Wara replied, “and I sympathize. So, I suspect that I had better go, before you either murder me with impatience, or Faro comes to see who is whispering to you in your tent.”

  Xylina nodded, and impulsively leaned over to kiss Wara. “Return to me quickly,” she said, blushing.

  Wara nodded, then winked. “Andmale ,” she said, before she faded out.

  And once again, Xylina was alone.

  She told the others that Ware was scouting ahead; she was not certain that they believed her when she made up some tale about his going in dematerialized form to try to find some kind of help for them among people he knew here, but they seemed to accept his absence as unquestioningly as they had his presence, and that was all that mattered. So long as no one suspected what had really happened, it did not matter what the men thought of Ware’s absence. Even if they suspected that he had deserted, his return would eventually disabuse them of that notion.

  She felt horribly alone and uncertain once he was gone, although she did her best not to show it. For the first time she was without Ware’s advice, and she had not realized until that moment how much she had come to depend on that advice. It was something she was going to have to adapt to, and quickly.

  But more, much more than she had come to depend on his advice, she realized she had come to depend on his company. That was far harder to adapt to. The men were useless when it came to conversation; they might well be very intelligent and have varied interests, but they clearly felt inhibited in her presence. Faro was no substitute, for his conversation was limited when it came to discussing anything having to do with the Mazonites. He hated them so much that there was nothing he could find that was admirable about them.