I thought of the horrific things Ryker had done for the right reasons. Things I had done. Triven was right though. Terrible things done for the right reasons were still terrible. I understood that now. The difference was, Ryker rarely showed the same regret I felt. A quiet pain blossomed in Triven’s warm eyes. I tried to look away but he pulled my face back to his.
“I may distrust that man, but there are still decisions that must be made and they will involve him. Despite how I feel about him, Ryker is a good leader and this war is being started for the right reasons. I know you have already made your choice about what we are going to do. I could see it in your eyes the moment you walked in here.” His tone was even. “And I have made promises on behalf of the Subversive, that they would be allies in this budding war. But those promises do not include you. Eventually we will have to leave here to warn and prepare our people. They deserve that much. But after that, you’re free to act of your own will, as you always have been. I said I would follow your lead and I still hold firm to that promise. I may not trust him, but I trust you, Prea. Nothing will change that.”
I nodded mutely, unable to find the right words. Triven kissed the top of my head just as the tears began to fall in earnest down my cheeks. I hated emotions. Life was easier when I felt nothing at all. I blinked furiously.
“When this war is over I’m going to beat the crap out him.” He muttered. Taking a deep breath, Triven cleared his throat thickly and motioned to our bed. “How about I work on mending that hand while you tell me where the ass took you. I highly doubt this entire evening was merely about him trying to make a move on you.”
We both laughed a little too stiffly as I took a seat and Triven retrieved a healing kit. I regaled him with the details of the events I had witnessed tonight, recalling the family’s terror and pain vividly. Triven was equally appalled when I finished, his face pale and brow furrowed. He was shaking his head as I gingerly flexed my newly mended hand.
“Arstid told me stories about how controlled the people were here, but I never wanted to believe it was this bad, that a mother would be forced to sacrifice one child just to save another. A small naive part of me had hoped I would be wrong, that it wasn’t as bad as I had been told. That maybe my mother had exaggerated.” He opened his mouth to speak but closed it, thinking. When he opened it again, someone else spoke.
“She didn’t.”
Triven stiffened as Ryker entered the room. He surveyed the two of us. My cheeks burned in anger. Tension flexed in the air around us.
“I came to apologize for my actions earlier.” While Ryker’s voice sounded remorseful, the sincerity never reached his eyes.
Triven rose, turning to face me. “I think maybe I should go find Mouse. She’ll want to know you’re home safely.”
He was gripping the healing kit so tightly his long fingers were turning white as the tendons strained against his skin. I placed my hands gently over his. “We will find her together in a moment.”
Ryker’s keen eyes stared at my hand on Triven’s—a rare sign of affection. His jaw clenched when he looked up at me. I stepped around Triven, addressing Ryker with all of the authority I could muster.
“Triven, Mouse and I will be leaving the city in three days.”
Triven showed no reaction to my words but Ryker’s face fell as he lost his usual military stoicism. This was not the response he had been expecting. I relished in his discomfort for a moment.
“You will supply us with ample amounts of food, weaponry and any other supplies we deem necessary to survive.” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a moment before continuing. “I will need everything you can spare if I am to unite the Tribes.”
Ryker’s face twitched with confusion. “You’re going to help us? I thought… After everything… You’re going to gather the Tribes to fight for us?”
I shook my head. “I’m going to try. That’s all I’m promising. Surviving is what I do best and I am banking on the fact the Tribes will understand that basic need more than any other desires they may have.” I took an unsteady breath. Triven’s hand squeezed my shoulder, letting me know I had his support. “But let’s get one thing straight. I’m no one’s hero. I will fight for what I believe in. And if you ever find yourself on the other side of that line, I won’t simply punch a wall next time. So, I will do what I can to see The Minister fall, but find yourself another savior. It sure as hell isn’t me.”
For the first time, Ryker looked genuinely stunned. He quickly recovered, his mask slipping back into place. He blinked at the floor and I could see the plans forming in his mind.
“Arrangements will need to be made. I will see to it.” Ryker said.
He moved to go, but Triven spoke out, stopping him. “Touch her again without her permission and I will remove your arms.”
It was the first time I had heard him speak protectively out of anger. While Triven’s tone was carefully controlled, the threat was palpable. It felt strange hearing such aggressive words spill from his usually gentle lips.
Without a response, Ryker nodded to both of us and turned to leave. Only I caught the flicker of his eyes before he disappeared down the hall. As he left, the tension tapered. I could feel rather than see Triven relax.
“Are you sure?” Triven asked. He was not questioning my decision, merely ensuring my choice was purely what I wanted.
“No,” I breathed. “But what we want and what is right don’t always coincide.”
“They rarely do.” Triven squeezed my shoulder again, smiling sadly. “For what it’s worth, I would have made the same choice.”
As I trailed behind Triven to find Mouse and tell her of our news, I couldn’t shake the hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach.
If I was making the right decision, then why did it feel as if I had just condemned us all?
THE PROBLEM WITH making promises in advance is that you have time to second-guess and regret those decisions. Which I did.
We had found Mouse under Inessa’s motherly care reading a contraband book by some long dead author. Unlike Triven, Mouse did not seem as concerned about my return. Her faith in Ryker was obviously greater than mine or Triven’s.
It was Mouse’s reaction when we told her of our decision that was now making me regret my promise to help the rebels. Instead of being hesitant about joining the rebels and returning to Tartarus, she seemed elated. She had bound to me wrapping her thin arms around me in a tight hug. She pulled away from me with a more serious expression on her young face. The danger of what we were being asked to do resonated with her. She signed the word I had begun to both cherish and dread.
Together.
I hugged her close to my chest. She was so small. Triven and I shared a weighted look over her shoulder and I knew his conscience was aching with regret just as much as mine. We could not condemn her to our fate, but we couldn’t leave her here either. Neither path was what we would have chosen for her.
For nearly an hour, the three of us sat holed up in our barren room talking strategies. Surprisingly, I missed the council at the Subversive. Making decisions that only affected yourself were easy, but making decisions that could affect an entire city—our entire world—felt like smashing my head against a brick wall. No option was without risk. No option was the perfect choice. People were going to die. We were just trying to minimize the casualties. The cost, however, could be our own lives.
Mouse tapped my shoulder, signing to me again. I had let my mind wander and missed her last words. She stuck out her index fingers and thumbs, like guns. Pointing her fingertips at each other, she swept her hands up her torso to her chest.
Survive.
I shook my head, grabbing her hands to keep them from continuing. “Yes, self-preservation is the core objective of the Tribes. But they have never played nice together before. I don’t see how we can change that now.”
Triven spoke from his seat leaning against the closed door. “You’re right, they haven’t. But their survival depends
on it this time. No matter what the Tribes choose to do, The Wall is coming down. And if they don’t pick a side, the only thing guaranteed at the end of this war will be their eradication. If the Ministry and the Ravagers take control, they don’t stand a chance against their weapons, not alone.”
Exasperated, I threw my hands in the air then folded my head in my arms. “I agreed to a fool’s errand, Triven. We can’t unite them. They will never listen to reason.”
“If they would possibly listen to anyone, you are our best bet. You’re a product of both worlds, but their world raised you. You understand the Tribes better than anyone. You watched them when they thought no one was looking. If anyone can make them listen, it’s you. You are not a Tribe deserter or a Sanctuary citizen or a Subversive member or a rebel—you are every one of these things and yet none of them. You have been reborn time and again into each of those roles and you survived. You have done what the rest of us struggle with. You adapt. You change. That’s how you endure. You are unlike anything they have seen before.”
“Your flattering words still don’t change the fact that I was not meant to lead, Triven. There is a reason lone wolves don’t join the pack. I am good with my fists, not words.”
He chortled, “True, making friends was never really your strong suit.”
I twisted and threw a pillow at his face. He caught it, looking more serious as he pulled it into his lap. “I will be your voice, if you want me to be.”
“And if words don’t work?” I asked.
“And if words don’t work, then we may have to kill anyone who stands against us.” His eyes hardened as he spoke. Triven was never one for killing. He injured but rarely killed his assailants. The severity of his words made everything too real.
I gathered Mouse’s small hands in mine and held her gaze. “This is insane isn’t it?”
She nodded slowly, pursing her lips.
“We have to do this don’t we?”
Mouse nodded again, sadly signing. Yes. Help them. Help us. Survive.
I bowed my head, resting it against my knee. I had wanted her to say no, to tell me it was okay to turn my back on everyone, but I knew she wouldn’t. Mouse was like the moral compass I had ignored for so many years. But I couldn’t ignore her now. Still, I also didn’t think I could do this. Fight—yes. Hide—yes. Survive—yes. But lead? It brought on a new emotion for me—I doubted myself and for the first time feared what the future might hold.
Two tiny hands wound around my cheeks, pulling my face back up to hers.
You promised.
“I said I would try.” I corrected her.
Try harder.
I pulled Mouse into my lap, cradling her small frame in my arms. Taking a weighted breath, I turned to Triven. “I never thought I would say this, but we need to speak to your mother.”
23. ATONEMENT
DEATH…
Equals freedom…
Equals sweet reprieve…
I had contemplated this equation so many times in my life. Despite my persistent will to survive, it seemed my mind could never escape those thoughts. It had been nearly twenty-four hours since I told Ryker we were leaving. Twenty-four hours of restless, anxious planning. Still we heard nothing from our rebel counterparts. The waiting was eating at me from the inside out—crawling under my skin and boring into my brain. Triven understood my need to escape—to think—when I left in the middle of the night seeking reprieve from our four smothering walls.
My bare toes hung over the edge of the rooftop’s ledge, toying with the open air, careful not to reach past the holographic field. I took a deep steadying breath as the simulated wind swept across my skin. If I closed my eyes, if I shut out the serene sounds from below, it almost felt like I was back at home on the rooftops of Tartarus. My eyes popped open.
Home?
When had that hellhole become home?
My head twitched as the hatch door opened, but I didn’t take my eyes off the empty streets below.
Ryker’s baritone broke the night air. “You know there are better ways to kill yourself. The least you could do is make it seem like a sacrifice for liberty.” He paused next to me leaning over the edge to appraise the height. “You’d have to find a higher building though.”
He was in his soldier’s uniform tonight. The white suit, adorned with the silver bars appeared to glow with an eerie aura in the still darkening night air.
“I thought my job was to die uniting the Tribes for you, not jumping off a building.” I turned and hopped soundlessly down from the ledge. Folding my arms across my chest, I gave him a bitter smile.
His gaze turned hard. “Your job is to do what the rest of us cannot. To tip the scales in our favor… and to come back to us.” He thawed, pinching his forehead. “We all have to make sacrifices. We can’t selfishly protect the ones we love at the risk of losing hundreds of others.”
“You have a funny way of showing people you care for them.” I said coldly.
“And you have a bad habit of pretending like you don’t need people.” There was a bite in his tone. “I’m not sorry I kissed you.”
“I get the feeling you’re not sorry for a lot of things you do.” I bit back.
He leaned back against the ledge and swept his fingers through his hair, a habit I now recognized as a sign of his exasperation.
“There never was any winning with you.” Ryker took a deep breath. Folding his arms, he slumped, curving his shoulders around himself. “We have moved up our timeline to accommodate your escape. As you saw, the streets are teeming with soldiers and security measures have increased. It will be nearly impossible to move the three of you without a distraction.”
“What about the devices you and I wore the other day?” I asked.
“No.” Ryker was already shaking his head. “We can’t have three citizens disappear from one place just to pop up a mile away. There are too many cameras now for someone not to notice. Besides, The Minister is watching for a male and female traveling with a child. Families are being stopped regularly for questioning. It’s too high of a risk.”
I toed the rooftop. “So what are our options?”
“You will be moved throughout the day to several rebel safe houses. Each location will move you closer to the drop point. We have strategically planned each stopping point to align with that rebel’s schedule. That way, no red flags will go up if one of us is missing for too long. Each rebel will make themselves publicly seen throughout the day to ensure they are not under suspicion when the feed goes live.”
“Feed?” I looked up, questioning him. It clicked before he could answer. “The video of me.”
Ryker confirmed, “Yes. Well, one of them at least. We are hacking the system through an untraceable remote. Thaddeus and Zeek have been working for the last three months securing it. Our hope is that it will cause enough of a distraction to allow your escape. This video will be the first public appearance the rebels have made. Ever. There won’t be any going back after that.”
I stared at his feet. The leather boots were shined to perfection. Our reflections mirrored us, two ghostly pale faces distorted in the dark.
“And where will you be when the feed airs?” I inclined my head, waiting for his answer.
“By The Minister’s side of course.” His voice was controlled, but something was off in his tone.
“Better to sit beside the throne than be crushed beneath it.” I repeated Ryker’s own words back to him.
“As it is better to deceive from within, than to attack with a blind eye.” He chortled humorlessly, then sobered up as the silence dragged on between us. “In less than forty-eight hours, we will have done what no one else has. We will have made an official proclamation of war against The Sanctuary.”
He shifted and I could sense his tension.
Planning a war was one thing, but actually starting one meant putting gears into motion that could not be stopped. Selfishly, I was glad that task had not fallen on me. I did not envy Ryker f
or the choices he had to make. While we were still at the Subversive theorizing strategies, Ryker and the rebels were preparing to take action. They had always been leaps and bounds ahead of us. Our well thought-out plans now looked liked child’s play compared to their strategies of warfare.
I understood now, more then ever, that we needed allies to survive this looming war. The time for being a loner was over. The Subversive would gladly fall in line to ensure their survival, but could I really expect the Tribes to see it the same way? Could I make them understand that when The Wall fell, they would have to sacrifice a few to save the many? The real question was how do you unite people who have spent the last decade killing each other? The answer—give them a common enemy. I knew that, but getting others to fear or hate something they had never even heard of would be nearly impossible.
I had never actually chosen to start a war. Sought change, destruction, vengeance? Yes. But as with most shortsighted people demanding change, I did not realize what must be sacrificed in order to gain it. Dictators did not just roll over and give up. Freedom only comes at a high cost. The truth—wars were not started by the masses. Wars were started by a few men—men who could rarely foresee all of the consequences of their actions. They saw a means to an end. Everything else in between was merely collateral damage. And the rest of us—the ones caught in the middle—we are left to choose sides or bury our heads in the sand. Either way, we would be swallowed by a war we did not start, but were required to finish.
New World Ashes Page 19
