Ryker cleared his throat, recalling my attention. “Inessa is downstairs. She was looking for you. I suppose she wanted a word before you left.”
“Mmmm,” I nodded, not bothering to correct him that I was actually the one who had asked for her.
“I have another favor to ask of you,” he asked with a careful tenor.
“What, possibly sacrificing my life isn’t enough? Let me guess, you want my soul now too?” I leveled him with a well-practiced glare.
The corner of his thin lips pulled up. “Not quite. It’s more about your expertise…”
My eyes narrowed.
“The largest group of rebels we have ever risked having together at one time, will be in the training room tomorrow night.” He shifted, turning his insightful stare on me. “I cannot be there because I will be preparing for your escape. I was hoping you could train them in my absence. Teach them some things I have overlooked.”
My eyebrows rose. “You actually think I can teach them something you haven’t?”
“I would love nothing more than to say when you beat me the other day, it was because I let you. But that would be a lie.” He bowed his head looking uncharacteristically humble, before returning to face me. “You are still the only person I cannot best. If anyone can teach them something I have not, it would be you.”
The look of admiration in his eyes made me uncomfortable. I turned away, staring at the street below. It confused me that while I certainly had no romantic feelings for Ryker, I didn’t exactly hate him either. Was this what it was like to have a friend… or maybe even a brother? Five soldiers were patrolling the neighborhood. Their guns glinted in the darkness, reflecting back the houses’ porch lights.
“What time?” I asked staring at the soldiers.
“Mae will bring you there after dinner.” Ryker turned following my gaze. We watched the silver uniformed team in the forced stillness of the night air.
“I should find Inessa.” I said pushing away from the roof’s edge. Ryker nodded but did not move, still watching the guards. I turned, beginning to walk away, but Ryker’s voice stopped me just as I reached the roof’s hatch.
“I will see you the morning of your transport. I will see to it that everything is prepared and you are returned to Tartarus safely. After that, you are on your own.” He still had his back turned to me.
“Got it.” I replied. As I slipped my foot onto the first step, he spoke again. When I glanced up his head was twisted back, his strong jaw brushing his shoulder as he spoke.
“There isn’t room for failure.”
I turned away and continued down the steps. “I know.”
INESSA WAS WAITING for me in the main room of the house with two cups of steaming liquid already perched on the table in front of her. Her prematurely weathered faced glowed as I approached. A glimmer of a younger woman showed beneath her wrinkled eyes when she smiled. It was lovely.
It dawned on me how beautiful and unmarred the people of The Sanctuary appeared. No scars or limbs lost telling of battles survived or years won. But I also knew some scars could not be seen. Despite her exquisitely aged beauty, I could see still the deep sadness that lingered in Inessa’s eyes. It faded at times, but never truly went away. Some scars are too deep for flesh to heal.
I picked up the steaming mug and took a sip, letting it warm my body as I thought over my words. Inessa waited patiently, sipping at her own cup. Her smile was serene.
“I realize that I have not always been the most… receptive person to your kindness.” I paused. Being nice took so much thought and energy. “You must understand that kindness is not something that I am accustomed to… but I’m trying.”
Inessa nodded, encouraging me to continue. The house felt heavy with an abundance of silence. I took another sip of the sweet water.
“We are leaving in less than two days and there are still some things I need to understand before we go. Things I have a right to know. I have made commitments I can no longer rescind. And after we talk tonight, I must only focus on the future. While we can learn from the past, dwelling in it will not save us. There are so many people here eager to give me their renditions of the past, but I don’t want interpretations. I want the truth. I want to know beyond a doubt why I’m choosing to fight with you.”
Inessa spoke for the first time. I had nearly forgotten how soft her voice was. “The ghosts from our past will haunt us everyday if we let them. Even drive us insane if not dealt with—if they go on misunderstood. One thing your mother taught me was that true knowledge is power, but assumed knowledge can be fatal. Unfortunately my child, most truths are nothing but interpretations. However, ask me anything you like and I will do my best to provide you with an honest, unbiased answer.”
I smiled at Inessa for the first time, letting down my walls just a little, allowing her to see the person I kept so tightly bound inside. It was the only gift of thanks I had to offer her. I also hoped taking down that wall would allow me to hear her words without bias. Keeping people out was so much easier than letting them in.
The smile fell away as I asked my first question. It was the one I had to get out of the way, the one that could hurt the most. The one that had plagued me since my arrival here. “If my parents loved me, why did they give me to that monster for so many years?”
Inessa’s eyes closed for a moment. Her soft face pinched with pain. There was regret in her voice as she spoke, but only truth spilled from her tongue. “They led The Minister to believe that you were a peace offering—an olive branch to soothe the years of a bad relationship. Jutta claimed she wanted to keep the power in the family. And at the time your grandfather was so desperate for a blood heir, he never considered that you were offered to him as a distraction. And so while his focus became tigerishly focused on you, the rebels were watched less closely.”
“I was bait.” My tone was flat, but pain stabbed at my chest with acute precision. I wanted the truth. I reminded myself. Truth hurts.
Inessa’s eyes brimmed with tears, but she held them back. “In a way, yes… but it was more than that.” She hastily added. “It killed your parents every day to send you to The Minister, but you—of all people—should have been the safest under his watch. You were his heir, his progeny, his only hope of lineage survival. Fandrin cherished you. Jutta and Coen would have never sent you to him if they thought he would hurt you.”
“But he did.” My nostrils flared. “And he taught me how to hurt others.”
“Despite what we are led to believe, parents are not always right in the decisions they make. They are human too. And they screw up sometimes.” Inessa grimaced. “In an effort to do right by you, they inadvertently put you in harm’s way. Your parents didn’t want you to hurt others, Phoenix. They wanted you to be able to defend yourself. No one knew better than them that a war was coming. They wanted you to be prepared.”
I thought of Mouse and the books I insisted she read. Yet if it came down to a fight, she wouldn’t be able to defend herself. What help was schooling if you didn’t learn anything practical? Words from the past slammed into the forefront of my mind. Something my father had written in his journal. My fingers tingled as if retracing the familiar words.
“Non scholae sed vitae discimus.” I said out loud.
Inessa surprised me by translating. “We do not learn for school, but for life. Seneca the Younger.”
“They were using The Minister—to train me against him.”
“Yes. Who better to teach you, than the man who trained the army you would one day fight against.”
It took me a minute to swallow Inessa’s words. It was strange. Despite the fact I could remember nothing of the past, it still held power over me. It still caused inexplicable anger to boil in my veins. But it was pointless. The past had happened. It couldn’t be changed. Hell, I couldn’t even remember it. One thing was true, though. As much as I was hurt by my parents’ choices, those choices were the only reason I was still alive today. If they hadn’t se
nt me to Fandrin as a child, I would have never survived in Tartarus. Even The Master was impressed by my skills when I found him. It wasn’t that I was a natural, it was because my body already knew what my mind had forgotten.
In truth, I wasn’t even sure if I could still be mad at them for dying to save me. My mother and father may have abandoned me in that alley, but they did so to give me a future. Life in Tartarus was hell, but I shuddered to think what it would have been if we stayed. I could have been dead at my own grandfather’s hand or worse yet, grown to stand beside him like the cold and merciless Gage.
I shook away those thoughts, returning to matters at hand. Learn from the past, don’t dwell in it. “At this time, Ryker and I seek the same outcome. Fandrin’s death. Our paths toward that goal may be different and our reasons are our own, but for now we are united in that same objective. Ryker and the other rebels are… confident in their cause. But others have failed where they seek to succeed. I wasn’t here when these plans were put in motion. It is not in my nature to trust. Nor is it to act the fool. So, why did the rebels—my parents—fail the first time?”
I had heard Arstid’s side—her tales of betrayal and blame. What I needed now were facts, not emotions. I watched Inessa with rapt attention as she pondered my question. Her delicate thumb idly traced the rim of her glass as she began to speak.
“Things were not as… organized then as they are now. We didn’t have safe houses where we could talk without being seen, or bunkers where we could hide our secrets from the Ministry. All of our decisions—our rebellious inclinations—were whispered in passing on the streets or murmured about in dark alleys. We knew very little about one another. Most of us were only on first name basis for fear of being turned on, for our own protection. We figured the less a person knew, the less they could divulge if captured. Trust was an issue back then.” She puckered her lips.
It still is, I thought.
Inessa continued. “Back then we knew so little about what lay outside of the Wall. We were told of the terrible Tribes that hunted outside of our walls, but no one had ever been outside and returned to tell us first hand. Some thought we were being trapped in here—held captive when a better life was outside. Others thought only barren land awaited us, that maybe the Tribes had died off. But many feared the nightmare stories of the Tribes were true. Not even your mother really knew.”
“But The Minister was working with the Ravagers, how could that have gone unnoticed?” I asked.
“Their alliance was very secretive. Only the highest council members knew of it,” she replied. “We couldn’t even confirm those rumors until Ryker became a higher ranking official. And even still, his knowledge has its limits. Honestly, it was Triven who verified those rumors for us.”
“Then why did The Minister associate with them at all? What could the Ravagers possibly offer that he didn’t already have?” It was the piece of the puzzle we were missing. Why integrate the two worlds you worked so hard to keep separate?
Inessa’s face tightened, her graying eyebrows knitting together in thought. “Power would be my best guess. Maybe our worlds are not as divided as we once thought. To be honest, I’m not sure. I really don’t think anyone but Fandrin himself could answer that question. The man is a sociopath.”
My gaze fell to the floor as I wondered if that mental affliction was genetic. Too many of my family members had made decisions that had cost the lives of so many others. My parents included. I shied away from the next thought creeping into my consciousness.
Was I following in their footsteps?
“We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow. I should try and get some rest.” I rose. Inessa mirrored me, extending her hand to take my cup. Respectfully, she was careful not to touch me as she took it.
“May I impart a few final words from a silly old woman?” She waited for me to nod. “War is never a good thing. A necessity… maybe. But it is ugly and in a way both sides always lose. Fighting for others—for a cause—can liberate you. But when fighting for vengeance, one must be careful. It’s a slippery slope. And once it’s over, you may not find the peace you sought.”
Startling both of us, I leaned in and kissed her cheek. “Thank you for your honesty tonight, Inessa. I hope to find you again when this is all over.”
She patted my hand with tears in her eyes. “You came home once, I am sure you will do so again.”
I nodded politely and turned away. As I walked the dim halls to find Triven and Mouse, I could only think of one thing.
Was this my home too?
If I was being honest, we were leaving in barely twenty-four hours and despite what horrors awaited us outside that wall, it still felt like I was going home. Even if Death was waiting for us on the other side, his arms would be open in welcome to his lost children of Tartarus.
24. EDUCATION
AS RYKER HAD promised, Mae led us to the bunker after dinner. Mouse had eaten hungrily as Triven and I struggled to swallow our meals. I knew we should eat as much as we could, since after tonight meals would undoubtedly become harder to come by for a while. But my stomach didn’t seem to care.
While there was still a frostiness between us, Mae’s demeanor had been more benevolent in the past few nights. She wasn’t the only person either. Between my time spent in the underground of the Subversive and within the walls of The Sanctuary, there were a few things I had gleaned from being around other people. One was that people were usually kinder when you had something they wanted. Another was that a strange mix of kindness and pity seemed to emerge when they thought you were going to die. Since our proclamation to help them, the rebels’ attitudes had changed on both accounts. For the most part anyway.
Fiona, the stern-faced soldier with the hawk nose I had noticed from the meeting was one of the few whose attitude continued to be sour. It was her haughty face that caught my eye as we entered the training room. It pinched with displeasure as I held her glare. Breaking away from her fixated stare, I scanned the room full of murmuring rebels. Ryker had not been exaggerating about the number of people here tonight. There were at least thirty-two people in the room. My earlier fears were confirmed, however. I recognized about half of the faces and even with the new additions I still only counted nine soldiers. Their stances always gave them away. Everyone else was civilian. It did not go unnoticed that the only two familiar faces I did not see were Inessa’s and Ryker’s. Those waiting were gathered in little groups huddled along the curved walls and hidden behind weaponry racks. As we made our way through the door, the murmurs lowered but did not cease. More than their voices, it was their looks that rattled me. My skin began to crawl with all of their eyes watching me. As if their gazes carried actual weight. It was like standing trial before the Subversive again. Reflexively I took a step back, bumping into Triven’s chest. His hand discreetly soothed my lower back.
This was not a trial.
Nor was I expected to fight anyone.
I was not alone. He and Mouse were with me. I reminded myself.
I stepped to the center of the throng, pulling myself up to full height. And still feeling short. People here were not malnourished, they all seemed suddenly tall in the crowded room.
We were the last to arrive.
Thaddeus closed and latched the door behind us, locking us in and keeping others out. As the latch fell, the room grew silent. Mouse stepped to my side, taking my hand. I smiled down at her before addressing the room.
“As I am sure you already know, we are leaving soon. I have made no promises to Ryker and I will make none to you tonight.” My voice was louder than I had expected, bouncing off the curved walls. I lowered it slightly. “When The Wall comes down in two week’s time, I hope that we will be waiting on the other side with reinforcements. That said, only an idiot would wager a bet in our favor.”
Several people averted their eyes. Idiots.
I continued, “AND would think that we could save them.” A few more eyes fell away, others hardened.
> “But you saved Mouse.” A smaller black-haired woman in the back corner spoke. Her almond shaped eyes flittered between me and the girl holding my hand.
I stared down at the little girl I had been willing to give my life for. She squeezed my hand. I squeezed back before returning my attention to the woman who spoke. “I did, but I understood the gravity of my actions. I went into that alley with the intention to die. I don’t regret my choice—it was the best I ever made—but it was a reckless one. Don’t mistake my choices as heroism. Never expect someone to save you. Learn to save yourself.” My voice had risen in frustration.
The woman recoiled as if I had slapped her. She was not a rebel I had seen before and like most of my rebel admirers, I obviously was not what she had been expecting. My mother may have had a way with people, but tact was forever lost on me. It showed.
“Not that your motivational speeches aren’t moving and all, but aren’t you supposed to be training these people?” Fiona’s cool eyes shimmered with spite. “Unless words are all you have to offer us.”
I opened my mouth with a string of venomous words ready to spill out, but a minute squeeze from Mouse made me shut it again. We needed allies, not more enemies.
“You’re right. Let’s not waste time.” I said with an even tone. “But when you say ‘these people’ I am sure you are not forgetting to include yourself, Fiona. Even soldiers need a little refreshing now and again.” She glowered at me, but said nothing in return. I turned to address the rest of the room. “I need to see where your skills are. Break into three groups—mechanical weaponry, hand-to hand combat, and manual weapons. We will rotate.”
I leaned down to Mouse as the groups began to form themselves. “I want you to watch and learn everything you can tonight, but I don’t want you sparring. Okay?”
Mouse bobbed her dark head. Her deep eyes widened, a trickle of fear mingled with excitement. Despite my desire to keep her innocence, I knew I couldn’t send her into the future ahead of us without some training.
New World Ashes Page 20
