Beautifully Tainted

by A. M. Guilliams

  “Miss Jackson, it’s a pleasure to meet you and I look forward to working with you,” he stated with a smile.

  Oh crap. That smile and accent are going to be the death of me. No, I take that back. Those eyes are going to be the death of me. It’s almost like he’s looking into my soul and searching around. That’s not a good thing. Especially since he can never find out about the real me.

  The meeting is finally over. Now I can get back to my normal routine. As I was walking out of the room, Sophia, my best friend since I moved here, stopped me.

  “Girl, did you see that man in there? He’s a fine specimen if I do say so myself,” she said without trying to laugh. God she has been my saving grace along with my music.

  “I saw him all right, but he’s okay. Nothing special.” I’m going to hell for lying, but I can’t let her know I’m intrigued by the new guy. She’ll try to set me up and that can’t happen.

  “Honey, I’m beginning to think you’re gay because if he didn’t affect you, then I have no clue what man will. That suit looks like it was made for him. Did you see the way that shirt fit him? Those muscles are amazing. His eyes are to die for, and that smile is just one that will melt your panties. Well, we’ll chat later. I gotta head to my first appointment,” she stated.

  “Bye, Sophia. And no, I’m definitely not gay. I’m just not interested in a man in uniform or with a badge,” I replied with a faint laugh. She’s going to see right through my facade. I just know it. Well, it’s been diverted for now and that’s a good thing. Now to get to my own appointments and not think of the blue-eyed man. Challenge accepted.

  ***

  Matt

  Part of me was hoping that I would see those beautiful hazel eyes again, but the other part was hoping to be able to forget them. Eyes like hers were a distraction. One that I didn’t need at any given moment. It looked like we’ll be working together, and that’s not a good thing. I don’t think that I could work closely with her without becoming distracted, and distractions can’t occur in my line of work. I’ll just have to figure out a way to avoid her and hope that there isn’t a case soon where our paths will cross. This should be challenging, but I’ve become a pro at avoiding people so this should be an easy one. I can only hope that it is.

  I made my back to the lieutenant’s office for the officers/detectives meeting, my thoughts were beginning to clear; which was a good thing because my job needed all of my focus. The meeting consisted of more introductions and my background being given to everyone. Most of which thought it was amazing that I used to talk people down from the ledge figuratively and literally speaking. All of them were wondering why I would leave that all behind to come across the country to become a detective again. Well, they could wonder all they wanted. My lips were remaining sealed on the reasons behind my move.

  At the end of the meeting, we all were given our assignments for the day and the partners we were being assigned to. One thing I was beginning to hate was that I was the new guy who had to prove himself, but it was part of moving to a new city where no one knew me or my past.

  After meeting with my partner, Mason Cruz, he began to show me the ropes, starting with procedures and codes for the paperwork that’d be filled out per case. He also handed me my log book and showed me where my desk would be located.

  We began going over notes for recent unsolved cases. He seemed eager to get my opinion on where they were heading and the suspects that still needed to be questioned and looked into. This is where I shined and where I felt in my element. Unfortunately, those hazel eyes were starting to creep into my thoughts. I glanced at the clock and realized that our day was about to come to a close already. Wow, how the time flew by when I was able to keep myself busy.

  While I was packing up to leave, I turned to Mason and asked him the one thing that I had wanted to ask him all day.

  “What’s with Emily?” I asked, hoping he wouldn’t read too much into it.

  “She’s a quiet one. She comes in, does her job, and goes home. She and Sophia are pretty tight from what I can tell, but she doesn’t seem to talk to many more people aside from what’s necessary.”

  “She’s been here two years, right? Where did she move here from?”

  “No one really knows. She doesn’t talk about herself much. I don’t think even Sophia knows much about her past. I do know when she first moved here she seemed on edge like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. After a while though, she seemed to feel more comfortable. Why do you ask?”

  “Just curious, man. Nothing more to it than that.” I hope he bought that because if not rumors would start and I didn’t need that.

  “Just tread carefully with that one, Anderson. She’s closed off and seems skittish sometimes,” Mason warned.

  “It’s not like that. I was just trying to get to know people,” I said, while grabbing my bag. He shrugged me off and I guessed it was a good sign that he believed me.

  “See you bright and early. Have a good night,” I stated, while walking towards the door.

  With any luck, my evening would be relaxing, which seemed doubtful considering all I would have time to do was think and my thoughts would probably be consisting of her. Even though she consumed them, I wouldn’t let myself act because she would be a distraction. One that I didn’t need or want anytime soon.

  Chapter 3: Learning to Trust Again

  Emily

  It’s been four weeks since those eyes began haunting my thoughts and dreams. Avoiding him has been easier than I anticipated. There’s always a risk that a case would bring us face to face again, but luckily that hasn’t occurred just yet. I’m not ready to see him. I can’t explain how much he’s changed my pattern of thinking in just a couple of chance meetings. But those eyes have miraculously given me faith that I can begin to finally heal from what happened almost three years ago. It’s crazy to think how a chance encounter with a stranger can change everything.

  My therapy sessions have also begun to open up a new light in me. It’s crazy how going to the shooting range has helped me see that I can heal and begin to merge the old me with the new me. I never thought that’d be possible. I thought everything about who I was would be gone forever. I didn’t realize that the only thing that would have to disappear would be my name and basic information. I never thought I could integrate the things I used to love into the person that I have become today.

  My phone chimed breaking me out of my thoughts. I looked at my phone and noticed that Sophia had texted me regarding tonight. It was Halloween, and she wanted me to go to the bar with her. I’ve been able to dodge her effort’s to get me to go out with her for the whole time we’ve been friends. How that’s been possible is beyond me. Those types of situations make me uncomfortable. People touching me makes me nervous and I can’t explain to her why. She would ask questions that can’t be answered, and I can’t have her questioning everything now. I really want to go. I have a new found confidence level, and I need to do this for myself. I can do this. Deciding to go with the flow, I messaged her back my answer.

  Me: I’ve decided to go! Crazy huh?

  Sophia: Are you freaking serious? SWEET!!!! Now to find you a costume.

  Me: You didn’t say I’d have to dress up Sophia!!!!

  Sophia: It’s Halloween. Of course, we’re dressing up. Now to find you something hot to wear. I’m thinking naughty nurse. LOL!

  Me: That’s not happening. How about an inmate? LOL

  Sophia: Perfect idea. I have just the thing for you to wear. But you have to promise you’ll wear it. No questions asked.

  Me: Not happening.

  Sophia: Pretty, please?

  Me: Fine.

  This is going to be horrible. I just know I’m not going to like what I’ve gotten myself into. Oh well. I’ve got to step outside of my box sometime, right?

  A few hours later, I stepped into my apartment ready to get this night started. I’m nervous but excited at the same time. I can’t believe I’m doing this.
Guess I’m merging the new me into the old me in more ways than one now. I used to party with the best of them, but that night changed everything for me. I just have to remember to breathe and I’ll be fine.

  She needs to hurry up and get here. I need to see what she’s making me wear tonight. I hope I’m ready for whatever she’s getting me into though. Too much too soon could hinder all the progress I’ve made so far.

  A knock on the door startled me, but I know who the maniac knocking constantly is. Only Sophia would be so annoying while trying to get my attention. I go and yank it open startling her in the process. I couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped me noticing the shocked look on her face.

  “You know the door was unlocked right?” I asked her still smirking.

  “You never leave it unlocked, so why would I have assumed that?” she asked.

  “Well, I’m changing my ways,” I stated through my laughter.

  “Obviously. Now chica, let’s make you look hot. Not that you need any help in that department, but I want to make you even hotter,” she stated with that smirk that usually means she’s up to no good.

  “What have you done?” I demanded.

  “Well, since they were out of inmate costumes, I decided that you should be a sexy police officer. Come on, it fits since you have the hots for the new detective in town right?” She asked.

  “No, I don’t have the hots for him. How could you think that? And when have I given you an inclination that I do, huh?”

  “Well, you’ve avoided him at all costs. Going a different way when you see him coming, rerouting your way to work so you don’t run into him. How is that not avoiding him?”

  “Whatever. Let’s get sexy so we can get our drink on,” I said.

  After getting dressed, I was nervous to look in the mirror. This is something the old me would’ve worn and been proud of it. I’m not sure the new me approves though. I don’t like receiving attention. I purposely keep myself covered so that I don’t get noticed, and this outfit is not covering much. The dress is navy blue and buttons all the way up. There are patches that say officer and NYPD on them, and there’s a belt that holds handcuffs. I’m wearing knee high boots to pull off the sexy factor and have my hair straightened. I finally gain the courage to look, and I’m shocked at what I see. I can see the old me perfectly, and I don’t know that I like it. I’m trying to forget what she looked like and the person staring back at me is not helping. I can’t allow that though. I put a smile on my face and walk into the living room where Sophia is waiting with shots.

  “Wow, chica look at you. You are fine. If I weren't straight, I would so take you home tonight, she joked. “Now come on take this shot with me so we can get our groove on.”

  The tequila burns, but I’m going to need all the liquid courage I can muster to get through this night.

  ***

  Matt

  She haunts my thoughts and dreams. I’ve had constant dreams about her hazel eyes, and it’s starting to get to me. I don’t know how to handle that. I didn’t come here to reconnect and have feelings for anyone. I came here to get away from it all and start over. I wasn’t expecting to feel anything for anyone no time soon. I wanted to get my career established first. She just had to worm her way into my life. I wanted to fight it, but I was losing the battle. I should just walk away. Better yet run, but there’s just something about her. Something drawing me to her.

  I know she’s purposely going out of her way to not be around me. The question is why? I know I haven’t done anything to her, but I have no clue as to why she’d be avoiding me. I know she felt our instant connection. It was all in her eyes. The past four weeks have been horrible. One part of me wants them out of my head so I’m not distracted and the other wants to be able to see them in person. It’s crazy to think that a woman’s eyes would affect me this way. I haven’t even taken all of her in yet, but it’s not from a lack of trying. I’ve tried to cross paths with her, but every time I see her she turns and walks the other way. I need something to get my mind off of her. I’m so glad that my partner has decided that the perfect way is going out to the bar tonight. I need a few drinks to calm my mind from thinking about her and my past. They slowly creep in when I least expect it, and I need to get them under control. I’m trying to not let my past control me. I want to move on, but those haunting visions are not making it easy. I know it’s only been a few months, but I desperately need to avoid all of these emotions. It’s the only way I know how to move on even if it’s not the best way. It’s my way, and that’s how it needs to be.

  I told Mason I’d meet him at the bar. I need to get a move on if I want to make it there before it gets crazy. He wants to go in character, and I thought it’d be funny if I went as an inmate. I found the perfect orange jumpsuit, and I’ve made my mind up that those hazel eyes won’t cross my mind tonight.

  As I walked out the front door, I ran into my new neighbor, Jeremiah. We’ve only met a few times in passing, but he seems cool. He looks like he’s about to head out for the night, as well.

  “Hey man. How’s it going?” I asked.

  “It’s going well. I’m about to go get my drink on. How about you? You look hilarious, by the way,” he replied with a hint of laughter.

  “Yeah. My partner decided he wants to go out on the town and we needed costumes for Halloween. Where are you headed?”

  “Meeting up with some friends at a club called Mystical. How about you?”

  “That’s where I’m headed too. Guess I’ll see you there.”

  “Yeah, I guess you will. Have fun. The Halloween party at this place is always a blast,” he stated.

  “I’m going to try. It’s definitely much needed.”

  I walked to my car and prayed that the alcohol will consume me. I just need to clear my mind and erase my thoughts for one night.

  ***

  Emily

  We walk into Mystical and it’s not what I expected. I thought this would be a quiet bar, but it’s a nightclub. Guess she pulled one over on me. Oh well. I need to dance and get as drunk as possible. I’m going to bring out a part of me that I thought had been long gone. My fun side will come out even if it kills me tomorrow.

  The place is packed, but Sophia manages to make her way to the bar in record time. She orders us shots of tequila and Jack and Cokes. I’m glad because I’m going to need the strong stuff. We down them, toasting to an amazing night and I take a big gulp of my drink to chase away the burn. I needed this more than I realized.

  Several shots and a few drinks later, I’m feeling the effects of the alcohol. It feels great to be free from all that has happened. Who knew that this is exactly what I needed to come out of my shell? I guess Sophia is a better friend than I thought.

  She nudged me and motions us to the dance floor. I didn’t know if I could handle this, but she wasn’t taking no for an answer, so I guess we would see.

  We made our way to the dance floor, and the song that was playing was very fitting. “Dirty” by Christina Aguilera was an older song, but it’s just what I wanted to hear. I needed this type of song to get the feeling of being free from it all back. We began grinding on each other and dancing quite erotically. I knew this would be bad, but I didn’t care. At this moment, I felt more alive than I had in years. The song ended, and a new one began. One that made me think of those beautiful blue eyes. Selena Gomez’s “Come and Get It” was perfect for what I wanted to say to him, but didn’t have the courage to do. We continued to dance and all of a sudden, things went from being great to awful in the blink of an eye.

  I felt someone grab me from behind, and that’s all it took for my panic to take over. I tried to remember to breathe, but that was becoming increasingly hard. I kept trying to pry whoever’s hands were on me off, but he wasn’t budging. All of a sudden, he leaned down in my ear and whispered, “Come on sweetheart. You know you want this,” as he continued to grind his hips on me.

  I froze. Thoughts of that night came flooding back. I
couldn’t stop them even if I wanted to. The place that I was desperately trying to forget was where my mind diverted to. I stopped hearing everyone around me and blanked it all out. The only survival mechanism I have that actually helps me survive. I couldn’t fight even if I wanted to. Time just stopped. I vaguely heard a voice that I knew and that’s where it all ended.

  ***

  Matt

  I arrived at the bar and quickly got two beers. I was going to be double fisting it all night so that I could erase my thoughts. I knew this would be a bad idea for how I would feel tomorrow, but tomorrow wasn’t here, and I was living for tonight. I walked over to an empty spot and searched the crowd for Mason and Jeremiah. If I hadn’t found them in a few minutes, I would text them, but for now I just wanted to people watch.

  I scanned the crowd and immediately stopped on the dance floor, finding her instantly. She looked so carefree. I can’t believe that she was wearing that police uniform and that she looked like she was having fun. This was so out of her element from what I’d gathered from others at the station. They all said she didn’t come to office parties and that she kept to herself. Seeing her drinking and dancing the way she is was shocking. I could watch her all night. I spent a few minutes taking her all in. She had legs that went on for miles. She was curvy in all the right places. I could just imagine gripping her hips from behind. I needed to stop these thoughts before I embarrassed myself. Making my way up to her face, I was mesmerized. Her hair fell beautifully around her face and was down the middle of her back. It looked so silky, and I just wanted to run my fingers through it. She had the most beautiful complexion and the smoothest looking skin I’d ever seen. Making this beautiful woman mine was now what I wanted to do. I just didn’t know how. Screw the challenge I set for myself because at this moment I knew that I was a goner.

  All of a sudden, things changed. I noticed a man walking up behind her, but I stayed where I was. I didn’t want to be overbearing and didn’t know if she’d want to dance with him. They started dancing together, but she stopped when he put his hands on her hips. She was trying to get him off her, when he bent down and whispered something to her. Her face immediately went blank and she stilled. I knew this was going to be bad and I had to rescue her. I made my way over to her as fast as I could.